It didn't feel too long ago when I blogged about my first diagnosis in July 18, 2011. I received that diagnosis after doing an MRI because I suffered severe migraines that lasted for a month consecutively. I still remember sitting in the doctor's room in Selayang Hospital when the doctor told me I had "Multifocal Lacunar Infarcts".
"What?"
That was my response.
~Fastforward~
3 years later, on June 12, 2014, I find myself working IN a hospital - the Institute of Mental Health, Singapore, and with more frequent and intense migraines. I went to do another MRI, and that's when I received a phonecall the next day, while waiting to see a patient in the community setting.
"Did the neurologist back in 2011 tell you about any other diagnosis?"
"No" - was my answer.
"You have Moyamoya syndrome."
"What?"
Another neurological condition. But this time, a more severe one. One that required me to run back and forth the hospital at least once a week after that phonecall in June to run tests (blood tests, carotid ultrasound, angiogram, SPECT scan with diamox) and to see the stroke specialist and surgeon. One that will require brain surgery. Not just one, but two brain surgeries in order for me to hope for a life without seizures, cognitive decline, dementia, stroke or death.
It's been one of the most difficult trial of my life - having to juggle work, while going to the hospital to run further investigations, to finding more info about my disease and treatment, prognosis, surgery. To finding out how my personal insurance could cover me, how my workplace could cover me. To making decisions about where to do the surgery and to recuperate - in Malaysia or Singapore. Who will my surgeon be? Who do I trust to have the skills to work on my brain? I still have not decided. Many a time, I had nightmares. I had difficulty sleeping. I felt stretched. I still feel stretched. Sometimes the feeling of being overwhelmed never really leaves.
I coped by listening to hymns, to contemporary Christian music, reading the Bible. I realized I also coped by trying to take control of whatever I could, and things that didn't exactly go as planned made me break down in tears (something that wouldn't have bothered me in the past). I coped by making myself DO things, finding it difficult to wholly surrender my situation to God.
The dam broke on July 16th - in other words, I shed buckets of tears - the day the surgeon told me that I had a 1 in 3 chance to suffer a stroke within the next 6 months. I didn't cry immediately, but after a month of me holding back tears and filling my head with knowledge in regards to my disease, it had finally hit me hard that this was really happening. This is real. I had intermittent bouts of crying as I watched my parents leave for KL... As I arrived back home. Feeling so alone and afraid. Tears continued to stream down my face as I listened to hymns to comfort me.
I'm slowly accepting the reality of this overwhelming experience. To be honest, it's still daunting as my future is unknown. But what keeps coming back to me is Romans 8:28 - that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. This pain... has a purpose. Ironically, I had actually bought a book in 2012, which I had decided not to continue reading because I felt my earlier diagnosis wasn't severe enough for me to think it was such "bad news". I picked it up again after receiving my 2nd diagnosis. This particular sentence struck me - "God brings purpose to illness and injury, where otherwise there might be only tragedy. It may not be clear to you what good can come of an injury or illness when you first receive the doctor's bad news, but it is always clear to God. He will not waste your suffering. Some good will come from it."
Also, this trial has shown me how loved I am as messages of encouragement have been streaming in, prayers have been said, hymns and bible passages have been shared. Even in the midst of this terrible disease, I feel blessed.
Taking a step back... I see how God has put things into place for me as this trial began unfolding. But this would be another post. Till next time :)
