My heart rejoices today as my workplace has made the rare exception to approve my hospitalization leave while I am seeking treatment in Malaysia! It was deemed near impossible to receive this approval due to policies but the Lord has provided for my needs yet again!
Also, as a friend caught up with me in regards to me tying up loose ends (finding a tenant to replace me), I found out that her father is a real estate agent! Without a doubt, she is truly God-sent! Even in the midst of the stress, I am grateful for all these blessings that God has granted me.
I'm so thankful for all the love and support I've received from everyone, it has filled my heart with joy. I honestly feel so loved. It helps to know that people are rallying for me at this time... I am deeply touched.
Another song came to mind today as I reflected on the blessings that God has granted me even at this difficult time.. Truly I want to praise the Lord for His Love and Providence. I am so thankful to be His child. The Lord never fails to provide me with what I need...
LOVE YOU SO MUCH
Hear these praises from a grateful heart
Each time I think of You, the praises start
Love You so much, Jesus
Love You so much
Lord I love You, my soul sings
In Your presence, carried on Your wings
Love You so much, Jesus
Love You so much
How my soul longs for You
Longs to worship You forever
In Your power and majesty
Lift my hands, lift my heart
Lift my voice towards the heavens
For You are my sun and shield
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While listening to this song, this Bible verse came to mind...
"Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer". Romans 12: 11-12
Thank you, Lord!
Monday, 25 August 2014
Sunday, 24 August 2014
Hearts courageous
As days fall away, I realize my thoughts have very much been on my impending surgeries, and the fear of the unknown sometimes dominate.
Sometimes I wonder how I would be able to persevere through this major trial...
Sometimes I grieve, feeling that I may not be able to do things I love - being adventurous, doing all kinds of adrenaline pumping activities...
Sometimes I feel afraid of losing my abilities. Something that I've taken for granted for years...
Since returning to Singapore after my brain scan in Malaysia, I've been on the go. Sorting out my work issues, packing my belongings and trying to find a tenant to replace me, preparing myself to return to Malaysia for good... the list is long. More often than not, I feel overwhelmed by all these things that I have to do. At this point, I have 2 weeks left in Singapore and my to-do list has not exactly shrunk. Unfortunately, these stressors don't help with my disease. With every strange pain I feel, with every increasing frequency and intensity of my headaches/migraines, it makes me realize my weakness, my mortality. The helplessness sometimes creeps in.
I took a stroll today at a nearby reservoir... It wasn't too hot, the scenery was beautiful and there was a breeze throughout. To me, the breeze was a reminder of God's presence. I may not be able to see Him, but I know He is there. That's when my conversation with God began.
"Father, can I really do this? I'm so afraid..."
"I don't know what is going to happen. It feels like my life is going to change after October 11..."
"What am I going to do? Will my life be at a standstill..?"
As I asked these questions... I saw the rippling waters and the beautiful greenery, felt the cooling breeze... and it made me realize that I was enjoying God's creation. He who created the world... also created me (fearfully and wonderfully). God makes no mistake, and allowing this trial in my life is no mistake.
While in the bus leaving the reservoir, I found a card made by Kharenee for my birthday this year. To be honest, I had forgotten about it (sorry Kharenee). Reading her message to me was like a breath of fresh air. It was an encouragement at a time when I've been feeling drained and insecure. She also reminded me of our Girls' Camp theme song several years back. I remembered reflecting with several girls back then during their morning devotion to personalize the lyrics, to really take the stand to cling on to God no matter what happens in life, and not allow ourselves to just sing for the sake of singing.
Today, I shall make this song my own...
Give me ears to hear that still, small voice,
And give me lips, forever willing to rejoice.
And may my eyes be lit with wisdom,
May I know the path that's true,
And I'll march with a heart courageous after You.
Chorus:
I'm marching on with a heart courageous,
I'll follow anywhere You want me to.
And should You lead me where the battle rages,
Let me march with a heart courageous, after You.
And when sorrow dims the light along my way,
Help me to see each time of darkness through eyes of faith,
A time for hope, a time for courage,
Knowing You will lead me through.
And I'll march with a heart courageous, after You.
And give me lips, forever willing to rejoice.
And may my eyes be lit with wisdom,
May I know the path that's true,
And I'll march with a heart courageous after You.
Chorus:
I'm marching on with a heart courageous,
I'll follow anywhere You want me to.
And should You lead me where the battle rages,
Let me march with a heart courageous, after You.
And when sorrow dims the light along my way,
Help me to see each time of darkness through eyes of faith,
A time for hope, a time for courage,
Knowing You will lead me through.
And I'll march with a heart courageous, after You.
Thank You, Lord for the reminder that You are always with me, no matter what the circumstance. Thank You for assuring and comforting me in the midst of my fear.
Let me march with a heart courageous, after You.
Tuesday, 19 August 2014
Decisions
Well... This is it. After the results of my second SPECT scan indicated that the narrowing of my arteries are very severe, my family and I decided to stick with Prof Sia Sheau Fung as my surgeon. My first surgery will be on the second Saturday of October (11th).
Now it's a race to tie up loose ends in Singapore. I have 3 weeks left but just so much to look into. I feel overwhelmed. Not to mention that this stress causes me to have even more headaches/migraines. Sometimes it's just so hard to drag myself out of bed because my mind has been going on overdrive and my body is just exhausted.
I'm touched by friends who try to check in on me... And I truly appreciate their prayers, But sometimes it's tough sorting through stuff alone. What can they do when they are not even in the same country as I am?
In these 3 weeks, I have to make a lot of major decisions. And it's tough. I feel unprepared, drained, and lost. Many times my first response is that I want to consider how others are affected by my decisions but sometimes I just feel so so tired. Why am I considering them when I suffer in return? I'm still in the "get going" phase that I haven't really had the time to process anything.
Having a mental block. Lord, I really need strength from You. I'm wearing very thin...
Now it's a race to tie up loose ends in Singapore. I have 3 weeks left but just so much to look into. I feel overwhelmed. Not to mention that this stress causes me to have even more headaches/migraines. Sometimes it's just so hard to drag myself out of bed because my mind has been going on overdrive and my body is just exhausted.
I'm touched by friends who try to check in on me... And I truly appreciate their prayers, But sometimes it's tough sorting through stuff alone. What can they do when they are not even in the same country as I am?
In these 3 weeks, I have to make a lot of major decisions. And it's tough. I feel unprepared, drained, and lost. Many times my first response is that I want to consider how others are affected by my decisions but sometimes I just feel so so tired. Why am I considering them when I suffer in return? I'm still in the "get going" phase that I haven't really had the time to process anything.
Having a mental block. Lord, I really need strength from You. I'm wearing very thin...
Monday, 11 August 2014
birthday reflection
As my watch ticks away bringing me closer to my 29th birthday, I thought it would be most appropriate to reflect on how the Lord has guided me through the past 28 years of life in the midst of this disease that i have. I do not believe in coincidences... but God being fully in control and orchestrating events in my life.
At the age of 15, I started experiencing migraines. At hindsight, I recall times when i felt dizzy, followed by slurring of speech and limb weakness. My family attributed it as low blood pressure. I was very active in sports, I did OK in my studies... My surgeon spoke of teenagers whose IQ deteriorate or would collapse while playing sports, only to find out that they had Moyamoya. That didn't happen to me.
During my college life, I began to feel more pain on a daily basis - ranging from body aches to migraines to tingling sensations. At this point, I was already labelled a "hypochondriac" by my family doctor because i had all these strange symptoms but tests would show i'm fine. It wasn't an easy time for me as my pain would be dismissed... However, i'm was blessed to have friends and a lecturer who took me seriously - taking me to see doctors, but of course... tests would again reveal that nothing was wrong with me.
The Lord had protected me through my 2 years of work after I graduated with my bachelor's degree. I had my pain but I was so used to it, it became part of my life that I had accepted.
It was when I was in the middle of my Masters program when my migraines occurred with such intensity that it was difficult to function. A coursemate suggested that I see a specialist at the hospital she was interning at. I did, and a brain scan was ordered. Next thing I knew - i was diagnosed with multifocal lacunar infarcts in 2011. I'd have to say that was THE most difficult time for me as I juggled my internship, my studies, and going for more tests to investigate my condition. With God's grace, I managed to graduate with a Master of Clinical Psychology. Deterioration of IQ, not quite so. But I noticed that my stamina to play sports for hours had dwindled a lot more. Unfortunately, even with the existence of this condition, "mind over matter" was the advice given to me to deal with the pain. Sometimes I felt judged too, that I couldn't control my pain better because i was a clinical psychologist. I guess sometimes people forget that clinical psychologists experience life and pain just like everyone else.
After graduation in 2012, I had turned down a job offer as I felt it wasn't for me... and that unemployment lasted several months until I was asked to work with a dear ex-lecturer, who later supported and encouraged me while i considered to move to Singapore in 2013 to work.
Strangely enough, I ended up doing something slightly different from what I was hired to do in Singapore - instead of conducting training, I was able to see patients in the inpatient and outpatient setting. Sometimes I do wonder if God's Hand was a part of this. A year later in early 2014, I had struggled with myself to extend my work contract as I wanted to return to Malaysia to serve my people. However, after much prayer, I decided to stay on for another year. At the same time, my migraines came back with a vengeance and off I went to the hospital in Singapore to get another MRI done in June 2014. This time... an even more serious condition was uncovered - I had Moyamoya Syndrome. As written in my previous post, this became like a de javu experience. 2 people had told me that it was a good thing that I had stayed on in Singapore, as I was then given this diagnosis...
At this time, my head of dept tells me that she knows a Malaysian lady who used to work at IMH as a Clinical Psychologist, she had also suffered from Moyamoya syndrome, which is a very RARE disease, and she could connect us both if I would like to speak to her. What were the odds of this happening? Coincidence? I truly do not believe so. Connecting with Winifred was what I needed and my Father in Heaven knew that. What is more, she had her surgery done just about the age that I am right now - she was 28 then. Knowing that someone really understood and empathized with my fears, my questions, my feelings, my thoughts... that comforted me.
Now, my struggle was to decide between seeking treatment in Singapore or Malaysia. The Singapore surgeon looked very promising but Malaysia seemed like a dead end as we did not know of any surgeons who could perform my surgery. Through networks, we were recommended a surgeon whom I have now decided to stick with - a surgeon who is careful, meticulous and patient-centered. The discussions with the insurance agent also bore fruit, and I realized that all my hospitalization and surgery expenses could be covered by my insurance! God had yet again provided for my needs, not lacking anything.
Reflecting on these events, all I can say is that my God is in control, He knows my needs and He provides with abundance! I'm a ticking time bomb to suffer a stroke but He has kept me safe throughout all these years. As my birthday approaches, I am learning to accept that I will be undergoing 2 major surgeries soon. I do not know if these surgeries would affect my functioning and that scares me. The fear of the unknown is one of my greatest fears. Yes, there are times when I cry and I am fearful of the upcoming surgeries but the Lord assures me through Christian songs, Bible verses and family/friends who have been so supportive. That being said, I am allowing myself space and time to grieve over my pain, the loss of opportunity to do things that I would love to experience - skydiving, bungee jumping, etc.
I remember tearing during one of the singing sessions of my church camp. Many times the songs that were chosen were hymns that I have been meditating upon. This is a hymn that I've sung again and again during my sunday school days. A very simple and classic song.. but upon singing the words, tears began to fall as I felt God was reminding me that He is with me all the way, and that from my weakest point, He will grant strength.
Jesus loves me—this I know,
For the Bible tells me so;
Little ones to Him belong—
They are weak, but He is strong.
Refrain
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.
Jesus loves me—He who died
Heaven’s gate to open wide;
He will wash away my sin,
Let His little child come in.
Jesus loves me—loves me still,
Though I’m very weak and ill;
From His shining throne on high
Comes to watch me where I lie.
Jesus loves me—He will stay
Close beside me all the way,
Then His little child will take
Up to Heaven for His dear sake
I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but I know who holds my hand...
At the age of 15, I started experiencing migraines. At hindsight, I recall times when i felt dizzy, followed by slurring of speech and limb weakness. My family attributed it as low blood pressure. I was very active in sports, I did OK in my studies... My surgeon spoke of teenagers whose IQ deteriorate or would collapse while playing sports, only to find out that they had Moyamoya. That didn't happen to me.
During my college life, I began to feel more pain on a daily basis - ranging from body aches to migraines to tingling sensations. At this point, I was already labelled a "hypochondriac" by my family doctor because i had all these strange symptoms but tests would show i'm fine. It wasn't an easy time for me as my pain would be dismissed... However, i'm was blessed to have friends and a lecturer who took me seriously - taking me to see doctors, but of course... tests would again reveal that nothing was wrong with me.
The Lord had protected me through my 2 years of work after I graduated with my bachelor's degree. I had my pain but I was so used to it, it became part of my life that I had accepted.
It was when I was in the middle of my Masters program when my migraines occurred with such intensity that it was difficult to function. A coursemate suggested that I see a specialist at the hospital she was interning at. I did, and a brain scan was ordered. Next thing I knew - i was diagnosed with multifocal lacunar infarcts in 2011. I'd have to say that was THE most difficult time for me as I juggled my internship, my studies, and going for more tests to investigate my condition. With God's grace, I managed to graduate with a Master of Clinical Psychology. Deterioration of IQ, not quite so. But I noticed that my stamina to play sports for hours had dwindled a lot more. Unfortunately, even with the existence of this condition, "mind over matter" was the advice given to me to deal with the pain. Sometimes I felt judged too, that I couldn't control my pain better because i was a clinical psychologist. I guess sometimes people forget that clinical psychologists experience life and pain just like everyone else.
After graduation in 2012, I had turned down a job offer as I felt it wasn't for me... and that unemployment lasted several months until I was asked to work with a dear ex-lecturer, who later supported and encouraged me while i considered to move to Singapore in 2013 to work.
Strangely enough, I ended up doing something slightly different from what I was hired to do in Singapore - instead of conducting training, I was able to see patients in the inpatient and outpatient setting. Sometimes I do wonder if God's Hand was a part of this. A year later in early 2014, I had struggled with myself to extend my work contract as I wanted to return to Malaysia to serve my people. However, after much prayer, I decided to stay on for another year. At the same time, my migraines came back with a vengeance and off I went to the hospital in Singapore to get another MRI done in June 2014. This time... an even more serious condition was uncovered - I had Moyamoya Syndrome. As written in my previous post, this became like a de javu experience. 2 people had told me that it was a good thing that I had stayed on in Singapore, as I was then given this diagnosis...
At this time, my head of dept tells me that she knows a Malaysian lady who used to work at IMH as a Clinical Psychologist, she had also suffered from Moyamoya syndrome, which is a very RARE disease, and she could connect us both if I would like to speak to her. What were the odds of this happening? Coincidence? I truly do not believe so. Connecting with Winifred was what I needed and my Father in Heaven knew that. What is more, she had her surgery done just about the age that I am right now - she was 28 then. Knowing that someone really understood and empathized with my fears, my questions, my feelings, my thoughts... that comforted me.
Now, my struggle was to decide between seeking treatment in Singapore or Malaysia. The Singapore surgeon looked very promising but Malaysia seemed like a dead end as we did not know of any surgeons who could perform my surgery. Through networks, we were recommended a surgeon whom I have now decided to stick with - a surgeon who is careful, meticulous and patient-centered. The discussions with the insurance agent also bore fruit, and I realized that all my hospitalization and surgery expenses could be covered by my insurance! God had yet again provided for my needs, not lacking anything.
Reflecting on these events, all I can say is that my God is in control, He knows my needs and He provides with abundance! I'm a ticking time bomb to suffer a stroke but He has kept me safe throughout all these years. As my birthday approaches, I am learning to accept that I will be undergoing 2 major surgeries soon. I do not know if these surgeries would affect my functioning and that scares me. The fear of the unknown is one of my greatest fears. Yes, there are times when I cry and I am fearful of the upcoming surgeries but the Lord assures me through Christian songs, Bible verses and family/friends who have been so supportive. That being said, I am allowing myself space and time to grieve over my pain, the loss of opportunity to do things that I would love to experience - skydiving, bungee jumping, etc.
Jesus loves me—this I know,
For the Bible tells me so;
Little ones to Him belong—
They are weak, but He is strong.
Refrain
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.
Jesus loves me—He who died
Heaven’s gate to open wide;
He will wash away my sin,
Let His little child come in.
Jesus loves me—loves me still,
Though I’m very weak and ill;
From His shining throne on high
Comes to watch me where I lie.
Jesus loves me—He will stay
Close beside me all the way,
Then His little child will take
Up to Heaven for His dear sake
I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but I know who holds my hand...
pain post
As I was sorting out my belongings, I came across a folded paper - questions that I posed to myself this year when I was struggling with my intense migraines, before I was diagnosed with moyamoya. I will just transfer what I had written that time.
What happens when a person feels pain all the time?
How does it feel like NOT to experience any pain, just for ONE day?
Is the person able to be aware of his/her own "space"... "mortality"?... because you don't feel yourself in relation to your surroundings.
What needs to be done to remove this pain?
Is this the thorn in my flesh that I will never be able to remove till the day my body gives up?
As I look at this... It reminds me the depths of my desperation, wishing that my pain will be taken away. Praying for relief.
Maybe the Lord has given me the answer - by revealing to me that I have moyamoya through my 2014 MRI. I don't know if my pain will be entirely taken away after my surgeries but I can hope.
What happens when a person feels pain all the time?
How does it feel like NOT to experience any pain, just for ONE day?
Is the person able to be aware of his/her own "space"... "mortality"?... because you don't feel yourself in relation to your surroundings.
What needs to be done to remove this pain?
Is this the thorn in my flesh that I will never be able to remove till the day my body gives up?
As I look at this... It reminds me the depths of my desperation, wishing that my pain will be taken away. Praying for relief.
Maybe the Lord has given me the answer - by revealing to me that I have moyamoya through my 2014 MRI. I don't know if my pain will be entirely taken away after my surgeries but I can hope.