From my recent post, I spoke about having "group therapy" with my batchmates, and I was suddenly reminded of a question that was directed to me.
"If you could change something in your life, what would it be and why?" (I'm sorta paraphrasing here, i think but that's the gist of the question).
I remember my mind went blank when this question was posed and I had to take sometime to ponder before answering that I wished to be more assertive due to the tendency that I get pushed around. (and now I wonder why my memory for this particular event is so clear..)
I just realized... I didn't wish that I wouldn't have Moyamoya disease. But as I thought of that, a still small voice told me that suffering this disease had taught me to cling on to God tighter, and I had experienced God's love and love from others more than I've ever believed to have been loved. And it had taught me lessons of life and death, compassion and grief, resilience, brokenness, joy, anger, hope, etc.
Things do happen for a reason. I think something I need to remind myself is that I can sit, pout and sulk throughout all my life experiences, but there is always something to learn from it. I admit, sometimes I want to pull all my hair out (not that I have much now anyway) from my frustrations and feelings of hopelessness, and I don't know what God is teaching me. But that's the thing... maybe we may find out one day.. maybe we won't... but am I willing to submit to God's Timing and Will for me.
Life isn't a bed of roses. I don't think it was ever meant to be. Being God's Child doesn't mean I won't suffer. I will still have countless days where I will struggle and feel helpless. But I must never forget that He is in control.
Sunday, 28 December 2014
contemplation
I've just returned from a fun-filled trip to Penang with my batch of Clinical Psychology coursemates, to attend the wedding lunch of one of our peers.
Although it was a short 3 days and it was crammed with laughter, eating and getting caught in massive holiday jams... I did learn a thing or two along the way.
1. I learned (or was reminded, more like) that I had actually undergone a major brain surgery just 2 months ago, and flying wasn't as easy as I expected it to be.
I actually felt pressure inside my head and had stabbing pains coming on and off during and after the flight (both ways). And I started having numbing/pins and needle sensations on my arm/leg as well. I realize that I've been pushing myself to "recover" that sometimes I forget that I did go through a rather major operation. I can be pretty hard on myself, feeling the need to let myself know that I'm OK... instead of allowing my body to recuperate on its own time. I fear displaying weakness and vulnerability. Something I've been talking about more recently but still struggle a lot with.
2. Be thankful for what you've been blessed with, and forgive and move on from things that have hurt you.
To cut it short, I was given an opportunity to appreciate someone in public, and without a doubt, my mind went straight to my bestfriend, Jessie, who has been a great comfort and help to me especially this rather difficult year. A person that I hope in all honest truth that I will never take for granted or advantage of. Also, I had witnessed an ironic situation which made me realize that sometimes biases/prejudices do occur. I may be angry about it, but the anger leads me nowhere. I think it's time for me to take care of myself and not kill myself to be the "good guy". Sometimes, people may just abuse you countless times. Jesus has taught us about faith and grace, but sometimes I wonder... would God want me to be in this same situation over and over again? So walk away after you have had enough.
3. It's always beneficial to have "group therapy".
Or in this case, i'm thankful for Jaws who always took the lead to facilitate our noisy group into having more meaningful conversations - to get to know one another better and to encourage one another. Amidst our often crazy interactions, I'm glad we do take some time to be serious and to listen to one another, to share our own thoughts, goals, etc. I'm truly thankful for my batch of MCPers. They are one of a kind.
4. Take time to really experience life.
This year has taught me to appreciate life more in the light of a potentially dangerous disease. To create memories with loved ones. To forgive and forget painful events. To be thankful for the littlest things that we so casually take for granted (i.e. good weather, arriving at our destination, having my blood flow properly in my body/brain, etc). To experience and enjoy things with a child-like wonder. To let yourself go and have a great time with people around you without being too self-conscious (by the way, it came to a point we were laughing SO hard we were kinda afraid others would complain about our boisterous volume).
To sum up everything, a rather appropriate quote came to my attention as I was writing this post. It reads:
I couldn't agree more.
Although it was a short 3 days and it was crammed with laughter, eating and getting caught in massive holiday jams... I did learn a thing or two along the way.
1. I learned (or was reminded, more like) that I had actually undergone a major brain surgery just 2 months ago, and flying wasn't as easy as I expected it to be.
I actually felt pressure inside my head and had stabbing pains coming on and off during and after the flight (both ways). And I started having numbing/pins and needle sensations on my arm/leg as well. I realize that I've been pushing myself to "recover" that sometimes I forget that I did go through a rather major operation. I can be pretty hard on myself, feeling the need to let myself know that I'm OK... instead of allowing my body to recuperate on its own time. I fear displaying weakness and vulnerability. Something I've been talking about more recently but still struggle a lot with.
2. Be thankful for what you've been blessed with, and forgive and move on from things that have hurt you.
To cut it short, I was given an opportunity to appreciate someone in public, and without a doubt, my mind went straight to my bestfriend, Jessie, who has been a great comfort and help to me especially this rather difficult year. A person that I hope in all honest truth that I will never take for granted or advantage of. Also, I had witnessed an ironic situation which made me realize that sometimes biases/prejudices do occur. I may be angry about it, but the anger leads me nowhere. I think it's time for me to take care of myself and not kill myself to be the "good guy". Sometimes, people may just abuse you countless times. Jesus has taught us about faith and grace, but sometimes I wonder... would God want me to be in this same situation over and over again? So walk away after you have had enough.
3. It's always beneficial to have "group therapy".
Or in this case, i'm thankful for Jaws who always took the lead to facilitate our noisy group into having more meaningful conversations - to get to know one another better and to encourage one another. Amidst our often crazy interactions, I'm glad we do take some time to be serious and to listen to one another, to share our own thoughts, goals, etc. I'm truly thankful for my batch of MCPers. They are one of a kind.
4. Take time to really experience life.
This year has taught me to appreciate life more in the light of a potentially dangerous disease. To create memories with loved ones. To forgive and forget painful events. To be thankful for the littlest things that we so casually take for granted (i.e. good weather, arriving at our destination, having my blood flow properly in my body/brain, etc). To experience and enjoy things with a child-like wonder. To let yourself go and have a great time with people around you without being too self-conscious (by the way, it came to a point we were laughing SO hard we were kinda afraid others would complain about our boisterous volume).
To sum up everything, a rather appropriate quote came to my attention as I was writing this post. It reads:
Accept what is,
Let go of what was,
And have faith in what will be.
Thursday, 18 December 2014
CU Camp, your warm welcome beckons me!
Actually, I'm back from CU Camp, or Girls' Christian Camp as it is now known.
I've got so much to update - so many memories were created, so much nostalgia stirred. In all my years of camp (20 years by now), I have never stopped enjoying the fellowship of the young and old, and learning God's Word through the talks and through acts of service. It's so amazing. I'm not sure where to begin.
Instead of talking about too many things at the same time, I think I'll write this current post about my reflections of the entire camp. I'll dedicate my next post to an important lesson I learnt during gospel night.
To be honest, I had some hesitation going for camp as I knew that my friends would be very concerned about my well-being (bless them). Plus, I was at a low state at that time, feeling vulnerable and inadequate - making me wonder if I would be a burden at camp, instead of being helpful.
It was quite an eventful camp this year, with 153 campers to look after. Not to mention the emergency that we had on gospel night. But throughout it all, it really demonstrated that God is in control of everything, protecting us from harm and even providing us a place to evacuate and still continue on with our program. It is such an assurance knowing that we serve an Almighty God who looks after our needs.
Working with all my friends was a blessing too. To know that I could count on them, as we humbly serve each other without any grumbling or complaint was something I really appreciated. Although sometimes I felt they were overly protective of me, I knew their intentions were good. They were also gracious, allowing me lots of time to rest.
Although I wasn't a kitchen helper, I managed to sneak in to help out once a while, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Aunty Catherine and Aunty Wendy are truly blessings from God. So approachable and motherly. I really enjoyed the fellowship of all kitchen helpers. It was like being in a family.
Seeing the young girls develop into fine leaders is something that is dear to me too. I realize I've got a soft spot for these girls. And i'm so proud of them as they take on responsibilities to lead the campers. As I mentioned to one girl, I'd be more than happy to have someone take over my record of attending camp the most, as that would mean that others have the same passion as I have for this very special camp.
The performances for candle light service this year were very meaningful. I'm so encouraged by the group leaders who really took the effort to come up with profound messages in their skits. I've never teared so much watching skits before. And I was deeply moved when I found out that there were girls who cried during practice as they really took in the roles they played.
That being said, there were many challenges at camp. And I hope that we can improve on things so that it won't be a discouragement, especially group leaders to take on leadership roles. Looking forward to many more camps in years to come.
Thank You, Lord, for granting us such a fun camp, and yet we get to learn Your Word without distraction. Missing everyone..
I've got so much to update - so many memories were created, so much nostalgia stirred. In all my years of camp (20 years by now), I have never stopped enjoying the fellowship of the young and old, and learning God's Word through the talks and through acts of service. It's so amazing. I'm not sure where to begin.
Instead of talking about too many things at the same time, I think I'll write this current post about my reflections of the entire camp. I'll dedicate my next post to an important lesson I learnt during gospel night.
To be honest, I had some hesitation going for camp as I knew that my friends would be very concerned about my well-being (bless them). Plus, I was at a low state at that time, feeling vulnerable and inadequate - making me wonder if I would be a burden at camp, instead of being helpful.
It was quite an eventful camp this year, with 153 campers to look after. Not to mention the emergency that we had on gospel night. But throughout it all, it really demonstrated that God is in control of everything, protecting us from harm and even providing us a place to evacuate and still continue on with our program. It is such an assurance knowing that we serve an Almighty God who looks after our needs.
Working with all my friends was a blessing too. To know that I could count on them, as we humbly serve each other without any grumbling or complaint was something I really appreciated. Although sometimes I felt they were overly protective of me, I knew their intentions were good. They were also gracious, allowing me lots of time to rest.
Although I wasn't a kitchen helper, I managed to sneak in to help out once a while, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Aunty Catherine and Aunty Wendy are truly blessings from God. So approachable and motherly. I really enjoyed the fellowship of all kitchen helpers. It was like being in a family.
Seeing the young girls develop into fine leaders is something that is dear to me too. I realize I've got a soft spot for these girls. And i'm so proud of them as they take on responsibilities to lead the campers. As I mentioned to one girl, I'd be more than happy to have someone take over my record of attending camp the most, as that would mean that others have the same passion as I have for this very special camp.
The performances for candle light service this year were very meaningful. I'm so encouraged by the group leaders who really took the effort to come up with profound messages in their skits. I've never teared so much watching skits before. And I was deeply moved when I found out that there were girls who cried during practice as they really took in the roles they played.
That being said, there were many challenges at camp. And I hope that we can improve on things so that it won't be a discouragement, especially group leaders to take on leadership roles. Looking forward to many more camps in years to come.
Thank You, Lord, for granting us such a fun camp, and yet we get to learn Your Word without distraction. Missing everyone..
Thursday, 11 December 2014
I'm human
Today marks the 2nd month since my revascularization surgery.
My incision site has been healing pretty well with slight hiccups along the way, due to my internal suture sticking out a couple of times but on the whole... I have been OK on the physical side. I've been struggling emotionally and psychologically though.
As I withdrew the money I was given by my "critical illness policy", I couldn't help but stare in disbelief that I had to take that sum of money out at the age of 29. In my mind, I thought, "this wasn't supposed to be withdrawn till i'm at least 50!"
I've had my post-surgery SPECT scans and CT scans done recently. To be honest, I dreaded doing it. I dreaded lying down and subjecting myself to being jabbed numerous times because my veins were too small. This coming from someone who has a fear of needles. It was also an awful waiting game - waiting literally for hours just to be sent in for my scans.
I've always regarded myself as a pretty optimistic person but this has been a really tough experience for me. Maybe my optimism gave me so much hope that it ended up disappointing me when the results weren't as I had hoped. The good news is that my brain blood flow has improved in comparison to pre-surgery. However, my surgeon has noted that "it could have been better". My blood circulation is still inadequate. Moreover, my CT scans have indicated that my graft seems pretty weak and it's uncertain if my graft is closing up. If my 2nd surgery doesn't compensate for the inadequate blood flow, I may have to undergo a 3rd surgery - multiple burr hole surgery to release pressure from my brain and to facilitate blood vessel growth. The potential areas for my skull to be punctured for that particular surgery has already been pointed out. My surgeon wants me to be more active but also warns me to be careful not to exert myself too much as I may collapse.
Sigh..
If my graft closes up... does this mean I'll be back to square one? Would I have gone through the pain and "trauma" of surgery for nothing?
I cried myself to sleep on the day I received news about my brain scan results. Truth be told, I still struggle with accepting my emotions. I feel guilty whenever I feel overwhelmed or upset about what has been happening, knowing that other people may have it worst than me. It doesn't help that there may be people who dismiss my emotions, reinforcing the idea that I shouldn't be feeling this way. I feel awful whenever I am feeling low as it seems as though I'm not trusting God with His plans for me.
Being vulnerable has never been easy for me, especially when I'm used to having people tell me to buck up, or to be strong for other people. I feel responsible to be more optimistic, more hopeful... when I've been placed in a position where it's like I'm a symbol of hope amidst my struggles.
But... I'm already dreading my second surgery. I feel low as I realize that the days are falling past and my next surgery is drawing closer, causing my fears to increase.
A friend reminded me today that I'm human - that what i'm feeling is a natural response and it is OK to be vulnerable, to allow my emotions to emerge and surrender them to God. She spoke of a Bible verse that has been stuck in my mind ever since my brain scan results came out.
John 11:35 ~ Jesus wept.
That's it. The shortest verse in the Bible. But this simple verse showed the humanity of Christ. In that context, Christ grieved over the death of a friend. God gave us the ability to experience emotions, not just happy ones... but sad ones too. Not only that, in the passage it clearly demonstrates that God isn't an unfeeling deity who is detached from the human experience. He himself understands and shares our pain.
Sometimes it's just so tempting to paint a well and dandy picture of myself, to show that I'm fine. But no, I'm not THAT fine. I'm struggling. I'm afraid. I'm grieving. I'm feeling overwhelmed.
And I need to remind myself that it is OK to feel that way. It's only normal that I will feel like this given my circumstance. I need to allow myself time to process all my emotions and thoughts. I need to remind myself that God will comfort me and grieve beside me when I'm at my lowest, not judge me for the less-than-happy feelings I have been experiencing.
I've been looping this song for a while now. It's a song I've always loved but the chorus and bridge part of the song (indicated in bold and italics) bears a more personal meaning to me now.
Our brother is gone - Her words cut like a knife
into the heart of the Lord
into the heart of the Lord
If you had been here than he wouldn’t have died
She cried to the Light of the World
So they went to where Lazarus slept - and realized as Jesus wept
Chorus:
That He shares every heartache -
He bears every grief
He is there when your heart breaks and you can’t find relief
When the pain is relentless - The darkness so deep
He is right there beside you - The Savior who weeps
What can you say when the prayers have been prayed
and no miracle comes along?
How can you comfort a mother & dad
now that their baby is gone?
And there in the darkest of hours
the tears of God mingles with ours
Cause He shares every heartache - He bears every grief
He is there when your heart breaks and you can’t find relief
When the pain is relentless - the darkness so deep
He is right there beside you - the Savior who weeps
Bridge:
One day every tear shall be dried
but till that day He cries when we cry.
Cause He shares every heartache - He bears every grief
He is there when your heart breaks and you can’t find relief
When the pain is relentless - the darkness so deep
He is right there beside you - the Savior who weeps
Crying beside you - the Savior who weeps