Trying to make the most of it

This will probably be my last post before my surgery on Saturday. So here goes...

My head is shaved, I look like a "pretty boy" as some call me now. Am not looking forward to being called my parents' son, or "sir". You get my drift. And I digress. Anyway, I realized that it felt harder for me to go to the hairdresser this time round. Maybe it's because it makes me face the reality that I will be going for my next surgery REAL soon. And the other reason was cause I really did like my hairstyle at this time being.

I'm still trying to deal with my emotions. I teared up just TALKING to my mom about how to manage my stay in ICU again. Of course, I was at the back seat of the car, hence she didn't realize I was tearing.

But to be honest, I do feel slightly more at peace today. I'm not at Zen mode, but I don't feel as overwhelmed as I have been the past week. I pray that God will continue to grant me a peace of heart and mind. Hmm.. well, its actually nearly 3am now, and I have difficulty sleeping. I think my brain is just on overdrive.

Amidst my anxieties, I'm glad God sends me people who comfort me. Kharenee, now that I know that you do read my blog... I just want to thank you. Thank you for reminding me that I'm human. Thank you for pointing out that my training as a psychologist does not exempt me from experiencing fear and anxiety just like everyone else. I needed that. Sometimes I receive the exact opposite message from other people, and that makes me even more distressed.

As I said, I'm not in Zen mode, but neither am I frantic. I guess I just have to try to make the best out of this whole ordeal. You know how they say you can cheat your brain to think that you're happy just by smiling. Well, I think it works. And of course, to distract yourself and have fun. Like how I attempted a Mohawk style (again) before completely shaving off my hair. My sister reminded me later during dinner that I should have shaved from the middle, to the sides as per Jeremy's suggestion. Which I totally forgot! The horror!! That could have been totally HILARIOUS. well, who knows.. maybe I have another chance to be bald again.. but hopefully not for another surgery. Then I'll do that. HEH!

Anyway, I've been meditating on a few verses from the Bible, and I would like to share it here. They are well known verses, but still very personal to me at this point.

Isaiah 40:28-31; 41:10

Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint. 
So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

As I ponder upon His Love, His Guidance and the Strength He grants me, I shed tears, amazed at the wonders of His Grace. It may seem odd, but my love for God has increased due to my sickness, as I am made aware of how much I need God in my life. I've been singing this hymn today. It's one of my favorites, and I realized that there are a few versions. One of my favorite covers of this hymn is by Selah. The words remind me of our 2014 CU Camp theme - I love Him because He first loved me, and had redeemed me 2000 years ago. What more, He continues to be my Rock and my Security, especially in times of trouble. I pray that I will continue to praise God no matter what the circumstance... and I look forward to being with God one day.

MY JESUS, I LOVE THEE

My Jesus, I love Thee, I know Thou art mine

For Thee all the follies of sin I resign
(My Rock and my Fortress. My Surety Divine) - different version

My Gracious Redeemer, My Saviour art Thou

If ever I love Thee, My Jesus, tis' now.

I love Thee because Thou hast first loved me

And purchased my pardon on Calvary's Tree

I love Thee for wearing the thorns on Thy brow

If ever I love Thee, My Jesus, tis' now.

I will love Thee in life, I will love Thee in death

And praise Thee as long as Thou lendest me breath

And say if the death-dew lie cold on my brow

If ever I love Thee, My Jesus, tis' now.

In mansions of glory and endless delight

I'll ever adore Thee in heaven so bright

I'll sing with the glittering crown on my brow

If ever I love Thee, My Jesus, tis' now. 

If ever I love You, My dear Lord Jesus, it is now. Thank You, Lord. 

waves of emotion

It's 2 days before I am admitted to the hospital yet again for my second surgery. As the days draw nearer, I find myself struggling with my emotions. At times, I feel like I can do this... at times, I break down and cry. Sometimes, when responding to people's questions about how I'm feeling with the upcoming surgery, it triggers flashbacks, making me more fearful and anxious. And I have to do deep breathing exercises and take time to shake it out of my system.

Well, reading this... it's obvious I'm afraid. I think in the past, I would never have admitted to that. Guess I'm beginning to accept my vulnerability more.

In light of my impending surgery, I have been blessed by the people around me - friends who are reminding me that I am not alone, church members and friends who are fasting, praying for me and also sharing Bible Verses to encourage me, and are keeping me in their thoughts, and even a friend and mentor who had me in his thoughts when he was preparing his sermon for Sunday.

To give the gist of the sermon, this whole experience has been my "wilderness experience". An experience that I had no choice but to face, but has drawn me nearer to God. Throughout this wilderness experience, God has also blessed me with little "oases" to refresh my faith and to give me hope.  

I had recently attended a funeral of a friend's parent. Hearing the testimony of the mom really inspired me. The songs we sang during the service brought tears to my eyes, as it reminded me of the faithfulness of God in all circumstances - through happiness, heartaches and even in grief.

To be honest, I'm still afraid... but knowing that God is overseeing all things just gives me hope. I just pray that God will equip me for whatever plans He has for me... and to think of it, not just me... but for my loved ones as well. He will prepare all of us for what is to come. I just pray that I will be faithful to follow Him.

This song, "Through It All" spoke to me during the funeral service and it also tied in with what my friend said during the sermon on Sunday itself, which I will personalize now for myself.

My safety isn't dependent on how far away I am from the dangers I face, but on how close I am to God. 

THROUGH IT ALL

You are forever in my life

You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness

And I look to You
And I wait on You

I will sing to You, Lord
A hymn of love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all

Hallelujah, hallelujah

I'd like to repost this cartoon (click on the link), as it encouraged me deeply - reminding me that God is the one who is holding on to me, not the other way round. I will fail God more often than not.. but God is forever Faithful to me. And His Arms will carry me through all of time.

rollercoaster ride

I've just recently recovered from a bout of diarrhea and vomiting (food poisoning? stomach flu?). Well, I don't know what exactly it was, but I've never experienced that in my life before. This bugged me for several reasons... One, because I can no longer say my stomach is made of steel and I've never had diarrhea before. And the other, due to my purging and vomiting, I lost a lot of water in my system, and that is a pretty big stroke risk there.. Even with me continuously replenishing water, I kept feeling dehydrated. I lived in fear at that point wondering if something bad was going to happen.

I spoke to a friend yesterday about my fears of going back into the OT the second time. Hearing a personal story from her, a struggle of a loved one going through something similar... nearly brought me to tears. Because it felt so real. And I know I will have to go through it in 10 days.

Sometimes I feel hopeful... sometimes I feel lost and afraid. Sometimes I feel like I'm bargaining with God, asking Him to spare me as there are so many things that I've not done yet here on earth... and there are days when I beg God to take me Home. It's been a crazy ride for me. And I realize I'm becoming edgier as my surgery date comes closer. I remember how calm I was, as I was wheeled from my ward to the OT. Sometimes I wonder, will I still feel at peace? Even writing this piece, my hands are trembling... and my eyes are welling up.

I think it doesn't help that I keep replaying in my head the discussion I had with my surgeon in regards to a possible third surgery. I feel overwhelmed. I feel exhausted. I feel... helpless. When will this stop? Will it EVER stop? Also, I've had people saying that "nah.. you won't need the 3rd surgery" or "just stay strong and you'll be OK!" or "you'll be totally fine". I know I've said this before, and till now it still annoys me. Sometimes, these words seem so easy to utter... but little do they know how difficult it is to be in my position. My fears and concerns... so easily dismissed.

My emotions are topsy-turvy right now. I'm trying to enjoy myself now before I go in... but sometimes these things just affect me and I no longer have the mood to do anything. I'm now trying to play my instruments, read a lot, meet up with people... things I'm afraid I can't do if something were to happen during/after surgery. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of dying. I'm quite sure I've mentioned this in a previous post. I'm not afraid of dying... I'm afraid something dreadful happens.. but I don't die... and I have to survive that. Not just me, my family too.

Lord... I'm at a loss now. You know how afraid I am. I don't know what to do. Please... help me.  

The year that was...

In a blink of an eye, it's already the 3rd day of the new year. As I look back to the year 2014, I wonder what happened to time. 2014 was really eventful and things seem to be a blur.

Personally, it's been a challenging year for me. The struggles I had while staying in Singapore. The many times I felt lost and pushed to the edge due to my convictions about demonstrating God's love, especially to people who were hard to love. I now understand how it's like when people say that they felt their lives came crashing down, upon hearing my diagnosis over the phone. Many changes occurred and I had to force myself to adapt, and to adapt quick. I barely had time to grieve as I had to be on the "get go" to survive.

I've become more and more convinced that the unveiling of my disease was timed by God. If I was told of this disease back in 2011, I don't think I would have be mature enough to handle it. And who knows, if I have not been told yet, I may have already suffered a major stroke by now. God really does equip us to handle every situation that is thrown at us. To be honest, sometimes there are questions that I pose to God -
"Why am I still alive?"
"What is my purpose here?"
"What am I to learn from this disease? this trial?"
"Can I take this any longer?"

It's still surreal. Sometimes I take a step back and am reminded that I did go through a major brain surgery. I know my fear is that I lose my abilities (emotional, physical, psychological, cognitive). The year 2014 taught me that life is fragile and life should not be taken for granted. Looking outside my "box", 2014 was full of tragedy - the MH370, MH17 and even the recent QZ8501. The Sewol cruise ship in Korea that went down. The devastating floods in the east coast. Terrorist attacks all over. People dying for no good reason. My heart goes out to the families who are left behind... People suffering the aftermath of disasters.

I've had several people asking me how I'm coping, and how I'm feeling with the second surgery not too far from the horizon. For the first time in 29 years, I think I've been honest with my feelings. No longer just telling people, "I'm fine" or "I'm ok". I'm learning to share my fears, although I have to add that it is awkward. With my past experience of surgery, it doesn't make it easier for me to go through another one. Just knowing the pain I'll be subjected to, the possible risk of suffering a stroke, the knowledge that I'll be incapacitated for yet another month or so... scares me. With the understanding that my graft is weak and I could be due for a third surgery... depresses me. Well, these news aren't the most joyous, and sometimes I feel obliged to comfort others that I'll be OK. But more often than not, I can't because I don't know what will happen. And I'm afraid that if I keep telling myself that life will be fine, I'm setting myself up for disappointment if things were to go wrong. My realistic standpoint is battling my optimistic side.

At this point, I am meditating on the verses and perspective that my namesake, Mr Francis Dunn, shared during our Girls' Camp gospel night. He reminded us that as humans we fear THREE things.
1. The uncertainty of our future
2. The guilt of our past
3. The inadequacy of our present

BAM! That's me. Can't be anymore accurate than that. I fear for my future, what will happen? I fear for my past, the sins I've committed, the guilt I've been bearing for not doing my best for the Lord at all times. And also me feeling incompetent and inadequate, feeling like I am also unlovable.

To which, Francis Dunn read out a verse.

 Psalm 27

1 The Lord is my light and my salvation—
    whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
    of whom shall I be afraid?

In dealing with the uncertainty of my future:
God is my LIGHT at the end of a very dark tunnel. We don't know what is before us, but God will show me the way. I may have my moments of fear and doubt, but I am to trust Him to lead me home.. What more, God loves me and will not lead me astray.

In dealing with the guilt of my past:
God is my SALVATION. He has paid the price and has redeemed me in full. God has demonstrated unconditional love and mercy to me. If I repent of my sins, He wipes my slate clean. I am no longer blemished due to His ultimate sacrifice. And He has freed me from the slavery of sin. Without a doubt, keeping myself from sinning is extremely difficult, but God is here to help me through.

In dealing with the inadequacy of the present:
God is my STRONGHOLD, my STRENGTH of my life. This is definitely something I struggle with. Many a time, I keep depending on my own strength to carry on. But here, God wants me to cling on to Him. He will provide me with whatever I need to strive in challenging situations.

With all this in mind, whom shall I fear? Of whom shall I be afraid? This is definitely easier said than done, but it's a reminder that my God is an all-powerful, all-knowing and all-loving God, who will be with me through it all.

My mind is directed to a song by Chris Tomlin, "Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies)". This song was shared by a friend some time after my recent diagnosis surfaced.

You hear me when I call

You are my morning song

Though darkness fills the night

It cannot hide the light

Whom shall I fear?

You crush the enemy

Underneath my feet

You are my Sword and Shield

Though troubles linger still

Whom shall I fear?

Chorus:

I know Who goes before me

I know Who stands behind

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

The One who reigns forever

He is a Friend of mine

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

My strength is in Your name

For You alone can save

You will deliver me

Yours is the victory

Whom shall I fear?

Whom shall I fear?

Bridge:

And nothing formed against me shall stand

You hold the whole world in your hands

I'm holding onto Your promises

You are faithful

You are faithful

And nothing formed against me shall stand

You hold the whole world in your hands

I'm holding onto Your promises

You are faithful

You are faithful

You are faithful

Outro:

The God of angel armies is always by my side

As I look forward to year 2015, I am reminded that being a child of God does not mean that I will not go through any suffering, but He will journey alongside me during my trials. I pray that I will never forget that my Father in Heaven is always beside me, going before me and also standing behind me. He is my Friend and will deliver me from my troubles.