It is exactly 6 months since my first brain revascularization surgery. Time has zoomed past and here I am now. Physically - I am in my childhood home in KL. Emotionally - exhausted. Psychologically - struggling.
I notice many who see me for the first time ever since my surgeries will say, "hey, you look good!!" Sometimes I'm torn between saying, "thank you" or telling them that my appearance is not really an accurate representation of how I'm feeling. I think for the most part, I've been hesitantly mumbling an "yeah, I'm ok" as a response.
Realize the 2nd surgery is really just getting to me. My symptoms seem to be back with a vengeance after this particular surgery - having sudden chest pains that could last for quite some time, dizzy spells that nearly render my limbs to give way, migraines, etc. Concentration, mental arithmetic and thought processing is still difficult for me.
At this point, I know I'm still grieving. I don't think people understand why I am, since I'm not technically dying or bedridden. It's a different kind of grief - I'm grieving over the loss of ability to do certain things that used to be easy for me, or fun for me to do. Sometimes I feel bad too. Am I over-reacting? Should I just be grateful that I still "look good" and not allow myself to grieve? These questions make me doubt my need to grieve. I think one of the reasons why I've been so hesitant in being passive is that I'm not ready. I'm not ready to slow down. I'm not ready to accept that changes will occur due to my illness.
Was meditating on Ecclesiastes 3 today.
Ecclesiastes 3 New International Version (NIV)
A Time for Everything
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Sometimes I feel that God is reminding me that there is a time for everything. I don't always have to try to put on a "happy mask" because there are times when grieving and being sad/frustrated is OK. I've been tearing quite a lot of late... but it is always hidden or behind closed doors. It's too tough to be vulnerable in front of others. I remember a time when my bestfriend, Jessie called to check on me. A few minutes into the conversation, I couldn't hold my tears anymore and I began to sob. Honestly, if we had met face to face, I think I would have tried to avoid the topic altogether. Sometimes, when I am responding to whatsapp messages and the topic of me grieving comes up, I tear too. It's still a very raw emotion/experience for me.
Verse 11 really stood out for me - He has made everything beautiful in its time... and no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. For the most part, I don't know what purpose this disease serves. Maybe I will never know. But I'm trying to surrender it to God. It hasn't been easy. Again, my guilty feelings overpower me many times. I feel weak... incompetent... inadequate... but should I be feeling this way? Recently, I was reminded that God doesn't NEED us to serve Him. He doesn't need our help. But what is most important is our personal relationship with Him. He loves us. Even while we were sinners, He sent Jesus Christ to die on our behalf, to redeem us. And now His grace covers us. In our weakest state, He will help us through. Looking back, God has provided for my every need when I was diagnosed with this illness...
I've been listening to this song... and I feel it apt to share.
The song calls us to "Think About His Love".
THINK ABOUT HIS LOVE
Think about His Love
Think about His Goodness
Think about His Grace
That's brought us through
For as high as the heavens above
So great is the measure of our Father's Love
Great is the measure of our Father's Love
How could I forget His Love
How could I forget His Mercy
He satisfies, He satisfies
He satisfies my desires
Think about His Love
Think about His Goodness
Think about His Grace
That's brought us through
For as high as the heavens above
So great is the measure of our Father's Love
Great is the measure of our Father's Love
Even when I strayed away
His Love has sought me out and found me
He satisfies, He satisfies
He satisfies my desires
Think about His Love
Think about His Goodness
Think about His Grace
That's brought us through
For as high as the heavens above
So great is the measure of our Father's Love
Great is the measure of our Father's Love