I can't believe today is the last day of 2015. It's been a year of mixed feelings. An eventful year, and yet... I feel like I did not do much. Many times I had to sit back instead of joining joyous occasions because my health wouldn't permit me to participate.
As I attempt to quieten myself and be more aware of how I treated myself, I realize I'm rather unforgiving towards myself. I tend to hold high expectations of myself... And I'm slowly uncovering how this pattern came about. I can't wait to start my spiritual direction sessions.
One question that has been popping up in my head is "am I OK?"
To be honest. I don't know what is the answer to that question. I seem to have been going with the flow, at times feeling helpless. I've been exhausted. Even reflecting and pondering while writing this blog, mentally drains me and I feel I need a nap to recover from the exhaustion.
One thing I want to remind myself is that my journey is still unpredictable and uncertain, but I hope I will never forget that God is holding my hand and He is in control. Please Lord, I pray that You will continue to guide me and to comfort me when I'm discouraged. Your mercies are new every morning.
Thursday, 31 December 2015
Wednesday, 30 December 2015
When words escape me
Today, I experienced a breakdown... After struggling for quite some time, and having held back frustration and anger, I was going to explode.
La la la
La la la
La la la
I'm feeling drained... Discouraged...
As I cried, this song came to my head.. It has become my prayer..
If a picture's worth a thousand words, what are they?
And since Your spirit intercedes for me
What do You hear when I pray?
And since Your spirit intercedes for me
What do You hear when I pray?
'Cause I'm finding it hard to find the words
To let You know how my heart can hurt
So I'll sing a tune and let You fill in the words
To let You know how my heart can hurt
So I'll sing a tune and let You fill in the words
La la la
La la la
La la la
La la la
La la la
It's comforting to know my words aren't all You hear
I can talk to You with laughter
And I can talk to You in tears
I can talk to You with laughter
And I can talk to You in tears
And I don't have to know just what to say
For You to hear me when I pray
So I'll sing a part and let you read my heart
For You to hear me when I pray
So I'll sing a part and let you read my heart
La la la
La la la
La la la
'Cause I'm finding it hard to find the words
To let You know how my heart can hurt
So I'll sing a tune and let You fill in the words
To let You know how my heart can hurt
So I'll sing a tune and let You fill in the words
La la la
La la la
La la la
La la la
La la la
Tuesday, 27 October 2015
A reminder from God
Going to church last Sunday was not easy as I was in a lot of pain... my head felt like exploding and my body ached. It was difficult to keep myself together then and I was wondering how I was going to last with such pain..
O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.
Refrain:
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!
Refrain
When through the woods, and forest glades I wander,
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees.
When I look down, from lofty mountain grandeur
And see the brook, and feel the gentle breeze.
Refrain
And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.
Refrain
When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"
A brother in church shared one of my favorite hymns to sing to the Lord. and the words reminded me that God had created the world and is aware of every single thing that is happening. He had also orchestrated and carried out a plan to save us all from our sin.
It was a reminder that God knows my pain, that God knows my troubles. Yes, I'm struggling.. I'm suffering... but He is still in control. I don't know what is going on... there are so many uncertainties... but the certainty that I can have is that God is in control and that He cares.
HOW GREAT THOU ART
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.
Refrain:
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!
Refrain
When through the woods, and forest glades I wander,
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees.
When I look down, from lofty mountain grandeur
And see the brook, and feel the gentle breeze.
Refrain
And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.
Refrain
When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"
Thursday, 8 October 2015
confusion
I haven't been well the past month, with the terrible haze looming over KL, it's intensifying my health issues. This has made me feel a general weakness that seems pretty hard to shake off.
Sometimes it feels like I'm slipping back into a low mood. Trying to persevere and allow myself to be in the present with my emotions. Not easy.
Another thing that has been bothering is how my mind is preoccupied with the past. Some friendships seem to puzzle me. Sometimes my weakness is that I care too much. How do I separate myself from people's emotions and their experiences? Tired of being taken advantage of but I can't seem to stop caring for people.
Boy, I need help.
Tuesday, 11 August 2015
A Birthday Wish
Well, it's official. I have turned 30. Friends of mine joke about how I'm aging. Sometimes it doesn't feel that way though.. not mentally at least.
However, a dear friend of mine, Katrina, commented that it took a lot for us to get here. And you know what, I totally agree with her. We managed to survive and get to the age of 30, even with all our health problems and struggles. It's an achievement, getting to where we are right now. It may not be much to some people, but it means a lot to us.
To be honest, I did have some concerns turning 30... it wasn't about the age factor, but I have a fear that I would suffer a major stroke at this age. I know it's no use worrying about it, and I don't have much thought about it. But once a while it surfaces... and then it goes away.
I think I have changed somewhat since my surgeries. But I guess it's also me just taking in my life experiences. Trying to take things one at a time. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful I survived both brain surgeries... but sometimes I'm exhausted. And I thank God that He gives me reminders from time to time not to pressure myself so much. That I should take things slowly. I admit it's not easy though. It is still something I need to be consciously aware of.
Of late, I've been retreating into my shell a lot more. Sometimes I feel detached from others. I find that I don't really have strong attachments with others. Sometimes I yearn for connection, but more often than not, I'm afraid that I'd be rejected, so I just withdraw. I guess this is just me at this time. I'm still trying to adapt to the changes in my life. And finding someone who understands my situation isn't easy. I notice that I may slip in and out of my low moods at times.. feeling helpless and isolated from others. Sometimes I feel better, and that I can move on.
My birthday wish as I turn 30, is that...
I will be more at peace. With God, myself and with my relationships.
I will not be so hard on myself, and to let my healing process take its course at its own timing.
I will be able to make sense of my life experiences and to support others who are feeling the way I do.
I will find rest and relief in God.
I will continue to trust that God is in control and will watch over me.
Psalms 121 is still my favorite Psalm and I'd like to share it again here. This Psalm is my birthday prayer for myself.
However, a dear friend of mine, Katrina, commented that it took a lot for us to get here. And you know what, I totally agree with her. We managed to survive and get to the age of 30, even with all our health problems and struggles. It's an achievement, getting to where we are right now. It may not be much to some people, but it means a lot to us.
To be honest, I did have some concerns turning 30... it wasn't about the age factor, but I have a fear that I would suffer a major stroke at this age. I know it's no use worrying about it, and I don't have much thought about it. But once a while it surfaces... and then it goes away.
I think I have changed somewhat since my surgeries. But I guess it's also me just taking in my life experiences. Trying to take things one at a time. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful I survived both brain surgeries... but sometimes I'm exhausted. And I thank God that He gives me reminders from time to time not to pressure myself so much. That I should take things slowly. I admit it's not easy though. It is still something I need to be consciously aware of.
Of late, I've been retreating into my shell a lot more. Sometimes I feel detached from others. I find that I don't really have strong attachments with others. Sometimes I yearn for connection, but more often than not, I'm afraid that I'd be rejected, so I just withdraw. I guess this is just me at this time. I'm still trying to adapt to the changes in my life. And finding someone who understands my situation isn't easy. I notice that I may slip in and out of my low moods at times.. feeling helpless and isolated from others. Sometimes I feel better, and that I can move on.
My birthday wish as I turn 30, is that...
I will be more at peace. With God, myself and with my relationships.
I will not be so hard on myself, and to let my healing process take its course at its own timing.
I will be able to make sense of my life experiences and to support others who are feeling the way I do.
I will find rest and relief in God.
I will continue to trust that God is in control and will watch over me.
Psalms 121 is still my favorite Psalm and I'd like to share it again here. This Psalm is my birthday prayer for myself.
Psalm 121
A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Monday, 29 June 2015
My Heart is Grieving...
My heart grieves as the US Supreme Court rules that gay marriages are legal nationwide.
I'm sad that the world has come to this. What pains me even more is that there are Christians who support this. What scares me are articles that are being churned, grossly misquoting or taking the Bible out of context in regards to how God views homosexuality... and these articles are read and accepting by young Christians who are taking these articles at face value.
The Bible had already spoken that this is the sinful nature that is in us, human beings.
Romans 1:18-27
To be clear, the Bible does indicate that God is against homosexuality. I am referring to:
Leviticus 18:22 - "You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination".
Leviticus 20:13 - "If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death".
1 Corinthians 6:9-10 - "Or do you not know that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, shall inherit the kingdom of God".
Both Old and New Testament have spoken about the evils of homosexuality. Furthermore, God's initial design for marriage is for one man and one woman. Anything other than that deviates from His original plan.
I will admit that some Christians go overboard with hating such individuals. I look at Jesus for guidance in this respect. In John 8, from the story of Jesus and the woman caught in adultery... He did not throw the first stone. He did not publicly humiliate or condemn her. He still loved her, BUT the big difference is... neither did he condone her actions. Jesus forgave her, and his last words to her was, "go and sin no more".
As Christians, I don't think we are called to be extreme - from either just hating or totally accepting. It isn't about hating the individual who is homosexual but to detest the ACT of homosexuality. As they say, love the sinner but hate the sin. Jesus didn't hate the woman who was an adulterer. But he didn't want her to continue on her sinful ways. I think this is how we are to behave as well.
To be honest, I would normally just keep quiet about these issues due to my personality as a people-pleaser and I don't like to offend people. However, it was my recent personal Bible study on the book of Daniel that woke me up.
Based on what I've learned on chapters 1 and 3, many a time we may not be called to renounce our faith... but opportunities to just follow the crowd is very real, and in this case, eating food offered to idols and bowing down to worship a statue. In this present day and keeping to my topic, it's going with the flow of the masses saying that homosexuality is OK. What struck me is Daniel 1:8, "But Daniel resolved not to defile himself...". That is making a stand even when it is an unpopular view, or even a view that could get himself killed for it.
As Christians, are we making a stand for what we believe in? Are we going to keep silent and agree that homosexuality is not a sin when the Bible clearly states otherwise? I came across a quote which said that we are all so careful about offending people, except God. And I feel that is so true even for me. I've been so careful not to hurt people's feelings so I may not speak up at times... but does that please my Father in Heaven?
Sometimes I wonder, what can i do? Definitely I will not go out to the streets and burn people alive for their orientation, because then I would be no better. But what can I do as a Christian who wants to love as Christ has loved us? How can I better rebuke and restore, but rebuke and restore with love?
Something for me to think about.
I'm sad that the world has come to this. What pains me even more is that there are Christians who support this. What scares me are articles that are being churned, grossly misquoting or taking the Bible out of context in regards to how God views homosexuality... and these articles are read and accepting by young Christians who are taking these articles at face value.
The Bible had already spoken that this is the sinful nature that is in us, human beings.
Romans 1:18-27
18 The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of people, who suppress the truth by their wickedness, 19 since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. 20 For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.
21 For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22 Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools 23 and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like a mortal human being and birds and animals and reptiles.
24 Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25 They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.
26 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. 27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error. To be clear, the Bible does indicate that God is against homosexuality. I am referring to:
Leviticus 18:22 - "You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination".
Leviticus 20:13 - "If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death".
1 Corinthians 6:9-10 - "Or do you not know that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, shall inherit the kingdom of God".
Both Old and New Testament have spoken about the evils of homosexuality. Furthermore, God's initial design for marriage is for one man and one woman. Anything other than that deviates from His original plan.
I will admit that some Christians go overboard with hating such individuals. I look at Jesus for guidance in this respect. In John 8, from the story of Jesus and the woman caught in adultery... He did not throw the first stone. He did not publicly humiliate or condemn her. He still loved her, BUT the big difference is... neither did he condone her actions. Jesus forgave her, and his last words to her was, "go and sin no more".
As Christians, I don't think we are called to be extreme - from either just hating or totally accepting. It isn't about hating the individual who is homosexual but to detest the ACT of homosexuality. As they say, love the sinner but hate the sin. Jesus didn't hate the woman who was an adulterer. But he didn't want her to continue on her sinful ways. I think this is how we are to behave as well.
To be honest, I would normally just keep quiet about these issues due to my personality as a people-pleaser and I don't like to offend people. However, it was my recent personal Bible study on the book of Daniel that woke me up.
Based on what I've learned on chapters 1 and 3, many a time we may not be called to renounce our faith... but opportunities to just follow the crowd is very real, and in this case, eating food offered to idols and bowing down to worship a statue. In this present day and keeping to my topic, it's going with the flow of the masses saying that homosexuality is OK. What struck me is Daniel 1:8, "But Daniel resolved not to defile himself...". That is making a stand even when it is an unpopular view, or even a view that could get himself killed for it.
As Christians, are we making a stand for what we believe in? Are we going to keep silent and agree that homosexuality is not a sin when the Bible clearly states otherwise? I came across a quote which said that we are all so careful about offending people, except God. And I feel that is so true even for me. I've been so careful not to hurt people's feelings so I may not speak up at times... but does that please my Father in Heaven?
Sometimes I wonder, what can i do? Definitely I will not go out to the streets and burn people alive for their orientation, because then I would be no better. But what can I do as a Christian who wants to love as Christ has loved us? How can I better rebuke and restore, but rebuke and restore with love?
Something for me to think about.
Thursday, 14 May 2015
Not My Will But Thine
It's been a rather eventful week. "Work" seems to be picking up for me now as I try to get back into the routine of being busy and using my "professional brain", if i were to call it that. Things are still slow for me as it takes me quite some time to formulate my words now. Does get pretty frustrating at times but I try to remind myself not to be too hard on myself.
Anyway, just thought of venting. I guess I'm disappointed. Sometimes I wonder if this is a way of God telling me that this isn't for me. I've always been interested in doing hands-on work, and being right down in the field. But things always pop up which disable me from being of service. It sucks big time. Is there a chance that my passion is not aligned with what God wants for me?
I remembered long years back when I was adamant that I wouldn't/couldn't teach... and I ended up being an educator for 2 years (and teaching tuition to underprivileged kids before then... when I was still in secondary school and uni).
If you asked me, I'd never have dreamt that I would be writing articles in regards to mental health. But to date I have several articles under my belt, having wrote a few and also evaluating my own experience with mental health.
And here am I now, wishing and praying that I can be part of a psychosocial team and my access is denied (twice). My thoughts zoom to Isaiah 6:8 - HERE I AM, LORD. SEND ME! I imagine myself practically jumping up and down, waving my arm frantically while asking to be deployed but somehow, I am not chosen. Is this not Your Will for me? Is this a "no", a "maybe" or a "next time"?
I haven't a clue.
Was God trying to teach me humility way back then - that my service is also dependent on His Will for me? Is God trying to teach me patience? Is God preparing the way for me? Is this not what God wants me to do? Is God protecting me from myself? I know, I tend to go overboard to care for others and in that process neglect my own self-care. Something I acknowledge and am still trying to improve on.
Anyway, I'm bummed. I'm disappointed. I'd even say I'm frustrated. But something deep inside me is whispering to me that I am to surrender all these wants, these wishes... to God. To say... "not my Will, Lord... but Thine".
Dear Lord, please grant me the strength to submit to Your Will, whatever they may be. It is feeling super difficult. I am disappointed that I am unable to serve You in the manner I hope to for now. But Lord, I pray that You will grant me opportunities. Please open my eyes and open my heart to know how to serve You best and give You glory. In Jesus Name, Amen.
Anyway, just thought of venting. I guess I'm disappointed. Sometimes I wonder if this is a way of God telling me that this isn't for me. I've always been interested in doing hands-on work, and being right down in the field. But things always pop up which disable me from being of service. It sucks big time. Is there a chance that my passion is not aligned with what God wants for me?
I remembered long years back when I was adamant that I wouldn't/couldn't teach... and I ended up being an educator for 2 years (and teaching tuition to underprivileged kids before then... when I was still in secondary school and uni).
If you asked me, I'd never have dreamt that I would be writing articles in regards to mental health. But to date I have several articles under my belt, having wrote a few and also evaluating my own experience with mental health.
And here am I now, wishing and praying that I can be part of a psychosocial team and my access is denied (twice). My thoughts zoom to Isaiah 6:8 - HERE I AM, LORD. SEND ME! I imagine myself practically jumping up and down, waving my arm frantically while asking to be deployed but somehow, I am not chosen. Is this not Your Will for me? Is this a "no", a "maybe" or a "next time"?
I haven't a clue.
Was God trying to teach me humility way back then - that my service is also dependent on His Will for me? Is God trying to teach me patience? Is God preparing the way for me? Is this not what God wants me to do? Is God protecting me from myself? I know, I tend to go overboard to care for others and in that process neglect my own self-care. Something I acknowledge and am still trying to improve on.
Anyway, I'm bummed. I'm disappointed. I'd even say I'm frustrated. But something deep inside me is whispering to me that I am to surrender all these wants, these wishes... to God. To say... "not my Will, Lord... but Thine".
Dear Lord, please grant me the strength to submit to Your Will, whatever they may be. It is feeling super difficult. I am disappointed that I am unable to serve You in the manner I hope to for now. But Lord, I pray that You will grant me opportunities. Please open my eyes and open my heart to know how to serve You best and give You glory. In Jesus Name, Amen.
Friday, 10 April 2015
Time
It's 11.04.2015.
It is exactly 6 months since my first brain revascularization surgery. Time has zoomed past and here I am now. Physically - I am in my childhood home in KL. Emotionally - exhausted. Psychologically - struggling.
I notice many who see me for the first time ever since my surgeries will say, "hey, you look good!!" Sometimes I'm torn between saying, "thank you" or telling them that my appearance is not really an accurate representation of how I'm feeling. I think for the most part, I've been hesitantly mumbling an "yeah, I'm ok" as a response.
Realize the 2nd surgery is really just getting to me. My symptoms seem to be back with a vengeance after this particular surgery - having sudden chest pains that could last for quite some time, dizzy spells that nearly render my limbs to give way, migraines, etc. Concentration, mental arithmetic and thought processing is still difficult for me.
At this point, I know I'm still grieving. I don't think people understand why I am, since I'm not technically dying or bedridden. It's a different kind of grief - I'm grieving over the loss of ability to do certain things that used to be easy for me, or fun for me to do. Sometimes I feel bad too. Am I over-reacting? Should I just be grateful that I still "look good" and not allow myself to grieve? These questions make me doubt my need to grieve. I think one of the reasons why I've been so hesitant in being passive is that I'm not ready. I'm not ready to slow down. I'm not ready to accept that changes will occur due to my illness.
Was meditating on Ecclesiastes 3 today.
It is exactly 6 months since my first brain revascularization surgery. Time has zoomed past and here I am now. Physically - I am in my childhood home in KL. Emotionally - exhausted. Psychologically - struggling.
I notice many who see me for the first time ever since my surgeries will say, "hey, you look good!!" Sometimes I'm torn between saying, "thank you" or telling them that my appearance is not really an accurate representation of how I'm feeling. I think for the most part, I've been hesitantly mumbling an "yeah, I'm ok" as a response.
Realize the 2nd surgery is really just getting to me. My symptoms seem to be back with a vengeance after this particular surgery - having sudden chest pains that could last for quite some time, dizzy spells that nearly render my limbs to give way, migraines, etc. Concentration, mental arithmetic and thought processing is still difficult for me.
At this point, I know I'm still grieving. I don't think people understand why I am, since I'm not technically dying or bedridden. It's a different kind of grief - I'm grieving over the loss of ability to do certain things that used to be easy for me, or fun for me to do. Sometimes I feel bad too. Am I over-reacting? Should I just be grateful that I still "look good" and not allow myself to grieve? These questions make me doubt my need to grieve. I think one of the reasons why I've been so hesitant in being passive is that I'm not ready. I'm not ready to slow down. I'm not ready to accept that changes will occur due to my illness.
Was meditating on Ecclesiastes 3 today.
Ecclesiastes 3 New International Version (NIV)
A Time for Everything
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Sometimes I feel that God is reminding me that there is a time for everything. I don't always have to try to put on a "happy mask" because there are times when grieving and being sad/frustrated is OK. I've been tearing quite a lot of late... but it is always hidden or behind closed doors. It's too tough to be vulnerable in front of others. I remember a time when my bestfriend, Jessie called to check on me. A few minutes into the conversation, I couldn't hold my tears anymore and I began to sob. Honestly, if we had met face to face, I think I would have tried to avoid the topic altogether. Sometimes, when I am responding to whatsapp messages and the topic of me grieving comes up, I tear too. It's still a very raw emotion/experience for me.
Verse 11 really stood out for me - He has made everything beautiful in its time... and no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. For the most part, I don't know what purpose this disease serves. Maybe I will never know. But I'm trying to surrender it to God. It hasn't been easy. Again, my guilty feelings overpower me many times. I feel weak... incompetent... inadequate... but should I be feeling this way? Recently, I was reminded that God doesn't NEED us to serve Him. He doesn't need our help. But what is most important is our personal relationship with Him. He loves us. Even while we were sinners, He sent Jesus Christ to die on our behalf, to redeem us. And now His grace covers us. In our weakest state, He will help us through. Looking back, God has provided for my every need when I was diagnosed with this illness...
I've been listening to this song... and I feel it apt to share.
The song calls us to "Think About His Love".
THINK ABOUT HIS LOVE
Think about His Love
Think about His Goodness
Think about His Grace
That's brought us through
For as high as the heavens above
So great is the measure of our Father's Love
Great is the measure of our Father's Love
How could I forget His Love
How could I forget His Mercy
He satisfies, He satisfies
He satisfies my desires
Think about His Love
Think about His Goodness
Think about His Grace
That's brought us through
For as high as the heavens above
So great is the measure of our Father's Love
Great is the measure of our Father's Love
Even when I strayed away
His Love has sought me out and found me
He satisfies, He satisfies
He satisfies my desires
Think about His Love
Think about His Goodness
Think about His Grace
That's brought us through
For as high as the heavens above
So great is the measure of our Father's Love
Great is the measure of our Father's Love
Monday, 9 March 2015
slow recovery
I am currently attempting to recover from 2 days of being "bedridden" due to pain. Not entirely sure what caused it, but am wondering if me trying to get back into my usual active mode is taking an even harder toll on my body...
it sucks that I feel so weak. it's disappointing that my fingers aren't as strong and quick in the past. Playing the guitar has been a challenge. Even during the CNY holidays, playing poker and mahjong with my relatives was difficult. I may have joked about "getting a stroke" due to playing, but deep down... I did have some fear that my brain wasn't able to take it, because the stabbing pain wouldn't stop whenever i tried to concentrate. My maths has never been good, but now that I have to take time to count basic numbers to make sure it's right... seems like my processing has deteriorated.
I realize its not only other people's expectations of me, but my own too... to get back on my feet quickly. Also, i'm struggling with my emotions. I have a lot of anger and frustration that is being built up.
I need therapy. But i don't have the confidence to drive yet. I feel stuck. I cry behind locked doors often. This is such a lonely journey....
When will this end?
it sucks that I feel so weak. it's disappointing that my fingers aren't as strong and quick in the past. Playing the guitar has been a challenge. Even during the CNY holidays, playing poker and mahjong with my relatives was difficult. I may have joked about "getting a stroke" due to playing, but deep down... I did have some fear that my brain wasn't able to take it, because the stabbing pain wouldn't stop whenever i tried to concentrate. My maths has never been good, but now that I have to take time to count basic numbers to make sure it's right... seems like my processing has deteriorated.
I realize its not only other people's expectations of me, but my own too... to get back on my feet quickly. Also, i'm struggling with my emotions. I have a lot of anger and frustration that is being built up.
I need therapy. But i don't have the confidence to drive yet. I feel stuck. I cry behind locked doors often. This is such a lonely journey....
When will this end?
Thursday, 12 February 2015
struggling
Dear Lord,
You know how much I am struggling, how much pain I'm experiencing. It feels so much harder this time. Sometimes I feel like I'm crumbling. trapped. alone. It seems like it's getting harder to pull myself together. I realize I'm trying so hard to recover, to be strong... that this mask that I've put on is suffocating me.
You know my deepest emotions, Lord. Please forgive me for my anger and frustration towards certain things that have happened in my life. But Father please grant me peace and forgiveness. It's so difficult. Even if my head doesn't explode, I feel like I'm going to implode.
I'm so exhausted. I really need relief and rest... I don't know what to do anymore... Please help me, Lord.
You know how much I am struggling, how much pain I'm experiencing. It feels so much harder this time. Sometimes I feel like I'm crumbling. trapped. alone. It seems like it's getting harder to pull myself together. I realize I'm trying so hard to recover, to be strong... that this mask that I've put on is suffocating me.
You know my deepest emotions, Lord. Please forgive me for my anger and frustration towards certain things that have happened in my life. But Father please grant me peace and forgiveness. It's so difficult. Even if my head doesn't explode, I feel like I'm going to implode.
I'm so exhausted. I really need relief and rest... I don't know what to do anymore... Please help me, Lord.
Thursday, 15 January 2015
Trying to make the most of it
This will probably be my last post before my surgery on Saturday. So here goes...
My head is shaved, I look like a "pretty boy" as some call me now. Am not looking forward to being called my parents' son, or "sir". You get my drift. And I digress. Anyway, I realized that it felt harder for me to go to the hairdresser this time round. Maybe it's because it makes me face the reality that I will be going for my next surgery REAL soon. And the other reason was cause I really did like my hairstyle at this time being.
I'm still trying to deal with my emotions. I teared up just TALKING to my mom about how to manage my stay in ICU again. Of course, I was at the back seat of the car, hence she didn't realize I was tearing.
But to be honest, I do feel slightly more at peace today. I'm not at Zen mode, but I don't feel as overwhelmed as I have been the past week. I pray that God will continue to grant me a peace of heart and mind. Hmm.. well, its actually nearly 3am now, and I have difficulty sleeping. I think my brain is just on overdrive.
Amidst my anxieties, I'm glad God sends me people who comfort me. Kharenee, now that I know that you do read my blog... I just want to thank you. Thank you for reminding me that I'm human. Thank you for pointing out that my training as a psychologist does not exempt me from experiencing fear and anxiety just like everyone else. I needed that. Sometimes I receive the exact opposite message from other people, and that makes me even more distressed.
As I said, I'm not in Zen mode, but neither am I frantic. I guess I just have to try to make the best out of this whole ordeal. You know how they say you can cheat your brain to think that you're happy just by smiling. Well, I think it works. And of course, to distract yourself and have fun. Like how I attempted a Mohawk style (again) before completely shaving off my hair. My sister reminded me later during dinner that I should have shaved from the middle, to the sides as per Jeremy's suggestion. Which I totally forgot! The horror!! That could have been totally HILARIOUS. well, who knows.. maybe I have another chance to be bald again.. but hopefully not for another surgery. Then I'll do that. HEH!
Anyway, I've been meditating on a few verses from the Bible, and I would like to share it here. They are well known verses, but still very personal to me at this point.
Isaiah 40:28-31; 41:10
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
As I ponder upon His Love, His Guidance and the Strength He grants me, I shed tears, amazed at the wonders of His Grace. It may seem odd, but my love for God has increased due to my sickness, as I am made aware of how much I need God in my life. I've been singing this hymn today. It's one of my favorites, and I realized that there are a few versions. One of my favorite covers of this hymn is by Selah. The words remind me of our 2014 CU Camp theme - I love Him because He first loved me, and had redeemed me 2000 years ago. What more, He continues to be my Rock and my Security, especially in times of trouble. I pray that I will continue to praise God no matter what the circumstance... and I look forward to being with God one day.
If ever I love You, My dear Lord Jesus, it is now. Thank You, Lord.
My head is shaved, I look like a "pretty boy" as some call me now. Am not looking forward to being called my parents' son, or "sir". You get my drift. And I digress. Anyway, I realized that it felt harder for me to go to the hairdresser this time round. Maybe it's because it makes me face the reality that I will be going for my next surgery REAL soon. And the other reason was cause I really did like my hairstyle at this time being.
I'm still trying to deal with my emotions. I teared up just TALKING to my mom about how to manage my stay in ICU again. Of course, I was at the back seat of the car, hence she didn't realize I was tearing.
But to be honest, I do feel slightly more at peace today. I'm not at Zen mode, but I don't feel as overwhelmed as I have been the past week. I pray that God will continue to grant me a peace of heart and mind. Hmm.. well, its actually nearly 3am now, and I have difficulty sleeping. I think my brain is just on overdrive.
Amidst my anxieties, I'm glad God sends me people who comfort me. Kharenee, now that I know that you do read my blog... I just want to thank you. Thank you for reminding me that I'm human. Thank you for pointing out that my training as a psychologist does not exempt me from experiencing fear and anxiety just like everyone else. I needed that. Sometimes I receive the exact opposite message from other people, and that makes me even more distressed.
As I said, I'm not in Zen mode, but neither am I frantic. I guess I just have to try to make the best out of this whole ordeal. You know how they say you can cheat your brain to think that you're happy just by smiling. Well, I think it works. And of course, to distract yourself and have fun. Like how I attempted a Mohawk style (again) before completely shaving off my hair. My sister reminded me later during dinner that I should have shaved from the middle, to the sides as per Jeremy's suggestion. Which I totally forgot! The horror!! That could have been totally HILARIOUS. well, who knows.. maybe I have another chance to be bald again.. but hopefully not for another surgery. Then I'll do that. HEH!
Anyway, I've been meditating on a few verses from the Bible, and I would like to share it here. They are well known verses, but still very personal to me at this point.
Isaiah 40:28-31; 41:10
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
As I ponder upon His Love, His Guidance and the Strength He grants me, I shed tears, amazed at the wonders of His Grace. It may seem odd, but my love for God has increased due to my sickness, as I am made aware of how much I need God in my life. I've been singing this hymn today. It's one of my favorites, and I realized that there are a few versions. One of my favorite covers of this hymn is by Selah. The words remind me of our 2014 CU Camp theme - I love Him because He first loved me, and had redeemed me 2000 years ago. What more, He continues to be my Rock and my Security, especially in times of trouble. I pray that I will continue to praise God no matter what the circumstance... and I look forward to being with God one day.
My Jesus, I love Thee, I know Thou art mine
For Thee all the follies of sin I resign
(My Rock and my Fortress. My Surety Divine) - different version
(My Rock and my Fortress. My Surety Divine) - different version
My Gracious Redeemer, My Saviour art Thou
If ever I love Thee, My Jesus, tis' now.
I love Thee because Thou hast first loved me
And purchased my pardon on Calvary's Tree
I love Thee for wearing the thorns on Thy brow
If ever I love Thee, My Jesus, tis' now.
I will love Thee in life, I will love Thee in death
And praise Thee as long as Thou lendest me breath
And say if the death-dew lie cold on my brow
If ever I love Thee, My Jesus, tis' now.
In mansions of glory and endless delight
I'll ever adore Thee in heaven so bright
I'll sing with the glittering crown on my brow
If ever I love Thee, My Jesus, tis' now.
If ever I love You, My dear Lord Jesus, it is now. Thank You, Lord.
Tuesday, 13 January 2015
waves of emotion
It's 2 days before I am admitted to the hospital yet again for my second surgery. As the days draw nearer, I find myself struggling with my emotions. At times, I feel like I can do this... at times, I break down and cry. Sometimes, when responding to people's questions about how I'm feeling with the upcoming surgery, it triggers flashbacks, making me more fearful and anxious. And I have to do deep breathing exercises and take time to shake it out of my system.
Well, reading this... it's obvious I'm afraid. I think in the past, I would never have admitted to that. Guess I'm beginning to accept my vulnerability more.
In light of my impending surgery, I have been blessed by the people around me - friends who are reminding me that I am not alone, church members and friends who are fasting, praying for me and also sharing Bible Verses to encourage me, and are keeping me in their thoughts, and even a friend and mentor who had me in his thoughts when he was preparing his sermon for Sunday.
To give the gist of the sermon, this whole experience has been my "wilderness experience". An experience that I had no choice but to face, but has drawn me nearer to God. Throughout this wilderness experience, God has also blessed me with little "oases" to refresh my faith and to give me hope.
I had recently attended a funeral of a friend's parent. Hearing the testimony of the mom really inspired me. The songs we sang during the service brought tears to my eyes, as it reminded me of the faithfulness of God in all circumstances - through happiness, heartaches and even in grief.
To be honest, I'm still afraid... but knowing that God is overseeing all things just gives me hope. I just pray that God will equip me for whatever plans He has for me... and to think of it, not just me... but for my loved ones as well. He will prepare all of us for what is to come. I just pray that I will be faithful to follow Him.
This song, "Through It All" spoke to me during the funeral service and it also tied in with what my friend said during the sermon on Sunday itself, which I will personalize now for myself.
My safety isn't dependent on how far away I am from the dangers I face, but on how close I am to God.
I'd like to repost this cartoon (click on the link), as it encouraged me deeply - reminding me that God is the one who is holding on to me, not the other way round. I will fail God more often than not.. but God is forever Faithful to me. And His Arms will carry me through all of time.
Well, reading this... it's obvious I'm afraid. I think in the past, I would never have admitted to that. Guess I'm beginning to accept my vulnerability more.
In light of my impending surgery, I have been blessed by the people around me - friends who are reminding me that I am not alone, church members and friends who are fasting, praying for me and also sharing Bible Verses to encourage me, and are keeping me in their thoughts, and even a friend and mentor who had me in his thoughts when he was preparing his sermon for Sunday.
To give the gist of the sermon, this whole experience has been my "wilderness experience". An experience that I had no choice but to face, but has drawn me nearer to God. Throughout this wilderness experience, God has also blessed me with little "oases" to refresh my faith and to give me hope.
I had recently attended a funeral of a friend's parent. Hearing the testimony of the mom really inspired me. The songs we sang during the service brought tears to my eyes, as it reminded me of the faithfulness of God in all circumstances - through happiness, heartaches and even in grief.
To be honest, I'm still afraid... but knowing that God is overseeing all things just gives me hope. I just pray that God will equip me for whatever plans He has for me... and to think of it, not just me... but for my loved ones as well. He will prepare all of us for what is to come. I just pray that I will be faithful to follow Him.
This song, "Through It All" spoke to me during the funeral service and it also tied in with what my friend said during the sermon on Sunday itself, which I will personalize now for myself.
My safety isn't dependent on how far away I am from the dangers I face, but on how close I am to God.
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness
And I look to You
And I wait on You
I will sing to You, Lord
A hymn of love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness
And I look to You
And I wait on You
I will sing to You, Lord
A hymn of love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all
Hallelujah, hallelujah