Breathe, Just Breathe...

In a blink of an eye, it's now December 2016. The year is wrapping up. I have not been working (officially) for 9 months. I realize that my inability to work has really messed me up internally. Many nights I cry and plead to God, wondering why He would allow this to happen. There are so many things that I want to do. I want to serve Him! If He gave me a heart of compassion, why didn't He give me an able body to go with it?

Looking back, I think it was His plan for me to have my sessions with my Spiritual Director. I remember a session when I told her about this, and she asked me how I saw God in the event of me seemingly not doing anything. My response, "surely God doesn't want me to just sit around and not do anything". I saw God as the disciplinarian, the taskmaster who would be angry and disappointed at me for not working.

This year, the story of Mary and Martha has been coming back to me over and over again. And I've always related with Martha more than Mary. Martha the Do-er, in my perspective, was just trying to do things to please the Lord. So why shouldn't Mary join her in service? This year, I had to slowly learn and understand that Jesus was actually more pleased that Mary decided to sit at His feet, to commune with Him. The relationship was more important.

With my second sister returning from her CrossConnect training, she shared that we tend to be bogged down by all the things we have to do, how many lives we need to transform.

"Come, follow Me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." (Matthew 4:19)

Jesus didn't say that we were to be fishers of men on our own. Jesus told the men he approached to join and follow Him. Over the next three years, apart from equipping them as His disciples, He showed them love and had a close relationship with his disciples. Never in the Bible did Jesus tell them to just do and get busy... but to BE. To BE his disciples. To LIVE as His disciples. To have that relationship with Him.

My sister shared this song which made me want to tear because it had the words, "to rest at His feet". I related with the song because it sang about feeling left behind and that there are so many things to do. Just the feeling of being overwhelmed...Truly, God has been speaking to me. That I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I've been pushing myself hard, to prove my worth, to make myself feel better by getting busy. It's still a struggle but I'm really trying to work on being OK with my current limitations.

I'd like to share the song here. The lyrics are in the video itself. May whoever who reads this find peace and comfort through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Chorus:

Breathe, just breathe
Come and rest at My feet
And be, just BE
Chaos calls but all you really need
Is to just breathe

Need a hole

it's been a long time since I wrote anything. Quite a lot of things seem to have happened recently. In a nutshell, I am planning a trip to Nepal, I have been asked to do music gigantic and I was asked to hone back my clinical skills by seeing someone.

I've had a lot of self doubt - whether going back to therapy is something I can even do. Was persuaded by someone I really respect to take on a case. Things didn't turn out so well. At the back of my head, I know that I shouldn't be feeling guilty because my client would be making their own decisions, but I do wonder if I could have done things differently. Feeling inadequate and incompetent right now. Maybe I should have declined and not give it a go when I was already doubting myself.

It's like my nightmare coming true. My failings are happening now. Just dealing with this setback too has given me intense migraines. Sigh.. I really don't know what to do. I feel so lost and alone.

Making A Choice

For quite a long time, I've been feeling disempowered by my current condition. I've been focusing on how things were like in the past and missing my old self. I'm still grieving the loss of my past talents - being able to read deep/insightful books, playing my musical instruments with ease, being able to work long hours, etc.

A friend recently reminded me that I have choices. I can choose to dwell in my sadness, to hold on to my past.... or I can choose to embrace my new self and be happy, joyful even. She reminded me that it may be more difficult now for me to enjoy the things that came to me easily, but nonetheless, I can still enjoy them... I just need to pace myself and be patient with myself.

We have no obligations, only opportunities.

This sentence is filling my mind. I can make a choice to make things different. My life can still be fulfilling even with my limitations. There are a lot of things I need to adapt to, but I can do it. I just need to give myself ample time and to be nice to myself.

I know I tend to be really hard on myself... it doesn't help when people add the stress on to me. But I think I need to be ok with myself. That's most important. It's not an easy road to travel... but I need to do this. I need to move on.  It's OK to grieve, but I need to look ahead.

Just last weekend, I attended a funeral and a wedding, one after another. What intrigued me was that both chose the same song... One song that was appropriate for both a mournful and joyful event. That song was "10000 Reasons" by Matt Redman. The title of the song made me realize... really, in all situations... we can praise our God for being our comforter and friend, as He is forever faithful in whatever circumstances we find ourselves in. As I grieve my own circumstances... He is with me. As I try to look ahead and move on, He is still with me...

10,000 REASONS

Bless the Lord O my soul

O my soul

Worship His Holy name

Sing like never before

O my soul

I’ll worship Your Holy name

The sun comes up

It’s a new day dawning

It’s time to sing Your song again

Whatever may pass

And whatever lies before me

Let me be singing

When the evening comes

You’re rich in love

And You’re slow to anger

Your name is great

And Your heart is kind

For all Your goodness

I will keep on singing

Ten thousand reasons

For my heart to find

And on that day

When my strength is failing

The end draws near

And my time has come

Still my soul will

Sing Your praise unending

Ten thousand years

And then forevermore

the struggle continues

The title says it all. I've been feeling restless and yet hesitant to do certain things, not wondering why.. until I heard my bestfriend, Jessie, explain to an intern about what a certain group that we are part of was about. She mentioned that our group were empowered individuals seeking to empower others.

And it hit me.

I've been feeling disempowered for a long time. So that's why it is so difficult for me to empower others. How can I give others what I myself do not have? It was a painful realization.

It's been more than a year since my brain surgeries... and many times, I feel the surgeries have changed me - diminished my energy, my abilities; causing me to tire so much easier; difficulty processing and concentrating on discussions... etc. I don't know if it's related, but I notice wounds are harder to heal now too. I have so many permanent scars now from simple things like scraps and punctures. They leave a mark... as though reminding me that I'm weaker than before.

A friend reminded me that I am focusing a lot on what my condition has taken away from me... Which I agree. It's hard to not dwell in that when I miss my old, "capable" self. I am still struggling to adapt to the new me. Physically, I look pretty much the same (except that I've gained quite a bit of weight, although my appetite has reduced), but my mental abilities has deteriorated. But this friend of mine reminded me that God has His plans.. and that He still values my very being, even with this disease. That I can still use my broken self as a testimony for Him.

It made me remember the neuropsych class I taught - the impact I had on them because I wasn't only the lecturer, I was the patient discussed in the case study as well. It's so easy to forget that I can touch lives in my current state. Many times I still wish I was my old self, having difficulty accepting myself for who I am now.

My friend left this verse with me to ponder upon. I've read it so many times.. but sometimes I forget.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 

This is something I know I will still struggle with for some time. But I realize I need to focus more on God, and the good that has been coming out of my dark period. I need to learn to keep the faith and press on....

Food for Thought

Had a short chat with dear Hui Min after our get-together. And I felt she was God-given. It's interesting how short conversations can mean so much and that I managed to have a big take home message from that 5+ minute chatter. Makes me realize that it's not how much we talk, but the content of our conversations that matter.

We spoke about how many of us are struggling with different things in life, but yet we all are also somehow or rather in the same boat - all of us feeling drained and burnt out, at times discouraged. So many times we feel the need to strive and to work to make things better for ourselves, to improve our own condition. 

What struck me was when she pointed out that maybe we are trying too hard. Pushing ourselves beyond our limits to achieve things to make ourselves feel like we have made the effort to make a difference in our lives. 

"What if we weren't called to do more... but to do less, so that we can see God at work in us?"

That statement/question really blew my mind. I could really relate with that... as I tend to be a do-er. Always on the go, and not satisfied to take the backseat. But what if I am trying to do everything with my own strength, and not allowing God to work in my life?

I think sometimes I strive too hard to serve God, to glorify Him... not that it's a bad thing. But what if He could be glorified even more if I were to surrender myself to Him and let Him work His wonders?

Already I've seen the many prayers that He has answered in the past - my finances, getting the doctors I need, friends who are understanding... these were providences that I could not have been able to attain on my own. 

I really do need to take a step back and let God work in my life. I know I will struggle with this... but I need to give it a try. 

These verses came to mind as I was reflecting on our conversation:

John 3:30
Hebrews 12:2

I've got to try to focus less on myself and what I can do to make things better, but more on setting my eyes upon God to see Him work in my life. Sometimes, I realize it's so easy to be distracted by the problems at hand, that I would forget the bigger picture; and the One who is in control.

I need to learn to have faith that God is working... even though sometimes it feels like it's a period of silence. Am I being too impatient? He knows what is going on a lot better and more than I do. I still have a lot of questions for sure... and I know that I will still wrestle with God... but it's good to be reminded that He has my best intentions at heart, and if I were to obey Him and remain faithful... I may be more at peace and He will be glorified. 

I'm going to stumble along the way, but I pray that God will continue to remind me to focus on Him.

A Reflection from Another's Experience

I'm currently glued to a book written by neurosurgeon, Dr Paul Kalanithi, "When Breath Becomes Air" (book cover appears above).

I cried buckets. It's very personal for me, reading his words, as I can really relate to his pain and struggle. You see, Dr Paul Kalanithi discovered he had lung cancer. His life went topsy-turvy after that diagnosis. It became a race for time he didn't have much left.

Having a terminal/critical illness really throws you off. You're never prepared for it. But when you're aware that you have it, priorities and perspectives begin to alter. There is this sense of urgency, you probably never felt before.

I totally understood what he meant when he wrote about having to let go of his "old" self, and having to find a new identity. I understand that I don't exactly have a terminal illness and my deterioration isn't rapid, but I do see changes in myself. Changes that I would love to not happen, but it's beyond my control - getting easily fatigued, frequent migraines, having difficulty with concentration and mental processing after a short span of time. I can no longer read "deep" books that I enjoy, only opting for easy reads that won't contribute to my migraines. My fingers have difficulty obeying me now, and sometimes they feel foreign as I attempt to play the guitar and they just seize up and aren't as flexible and quick as before.

One of the hardest decisions I had to make was to quit my job to focus on my recovery. For someone who loves her vocation and likes to keep busy, choosing to rest is a difficult struggle. It becomes especially tough when I see my peers being able to be successful in their careers or some may be indifferent and are not doing anything even though they have the means and health to.
Sometimes it makes me panic, "What do I do when my funds run out? Then what?"
Sometimes I have to face the question - "What if I don't get better? What if I can no longer work like I used to? What are my future plans? Am I getting ahead of myself?"

So many questions.

I know I have to take one step at a time, but I guess I've always felt more secure if I had some plans to fall back on. I do see that this has made me depend a lot more on God for providence. But me being human, there are times I worry.

Sometimes...and this may sound bad... but sometimes, I wish I knew how much longer I had left. Then I could better plan my time. Refocus. Reorganize. Do the necessary. The uncertainty of not knowing if and when I'd have a massive stroke, or when I will start deteriorating can be quite frustrating (it's a progressive disease, I will eventually deteriorate. In fact, I haven't exactly been feeling swell and dandy after my surgeries, so I'm still at risk). I find myself having to hold back from being involved in certain projects because it may cause harm to me. And I end up feeling restless. Doesn't seem at all that I am restful, huh?

It doesn't help when people tell me that I should work and not just sit around. It tends to burst open the can of worms that I've been trying to slowly deal with. Everytime, I will break down and cry. The frustration gets to me, when people question my "sabbatical" leave.    

Anyway, I have not read the end of the book... but I can imagine there will be more tears shed. I had to take a break from reading it today because it was just too emotionally intense for me.

I'm going to bed. Writing this post has drained me of my energy. Something that probably wouldn't have been true in the past, but it's something I have to learn to accept now - my "battery" depletes rapidly.

Giving thanks with a grateful heart

I've been having crazy migraines of late, but the post isn't about that today.

By the grace of God, I managed to conduct a guest lecture for the senior batch of the HELP Clin Psych program. Who would have thought I'd be speaking about neurological diseases. Praise God that He gave me the courage to be vulnerable, and to share my experience as a patient and also as a therapist.

I had an amazing time with the students as they were very engaging and forthcoming. I was deeply touched by their honesty in their sharing, and the affirmations they so generously gave me. To know that I have inspired them to look at life differently and to be better therapists for neuro clients - is one of the most fulfilling experiences in my life.

One of the questions posed to me was, what gives me hope in the midst of such a horrible disease?
The answer that popped straight in my head was God. God has given me hope in what seems to be a hopeless situation.

Sure, I have Moyamoya... but through this disease, I see how God works in my life and how He blesses me in the midst of pain and suffering.

Do I experience hardships and heartaches due to my disease? Definitely. But I also experience the comfort He gives me. There are days when I struggle more and there are days when things feel better. But He is always there.

A dear friend today came to support me at my talk today and she also shared her thoughts of how it was like, sitting in my lecture. Some of it, I never realized I had done, but upon reflection of her words, helped me see that I am beginning to accept the "new" me. That I am slowly moving towards being a "wounded healer".

Thank You, Father, for giving me the opportunity to impact young lives. I'm so blessed to still be able to serve You, what more in ways that I am passionate about.

As I was writing this blog, the song Give Thanks kept ringing in my ear. And it struck me... more often than not, we tend to be grateful when good things come our way.
Do we give thanks when we are struggling?
Do we give thanks for the light at the end of the tunnel?
Do we give thanks to God for being with us throughout our struggles?

Well, I'm guilty of not doing that for the most part. But today, it made me realize that God always deserves our praise and adoration because of His undying love for us. It is actually through His Love, His Grace and His Strength that we can have hope :)

GIVE THANKS

Give thanks with a grateful heart

Give thanks to the Holy One

Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son

And now, let the weak say "I am strong"

Let the poor say, "I am rich"

Because of what the Lord has done for us

Give thanks

Open My Eyes, Lord...

Of late, I have been struggling a lot with my poor health. Some days I'm OK with it, some days it's harder to pull through...

I sought a second opinion today about my condition. Let's just say that it's been overwhelming. But today, I don't want to focus on that. Instead, I'd like to reflect on what I learned from a dear brother on Sunday morning.

Brother Peng Kit's sharing on Sunday provided me with much-needed encouragement as he expounded on 2 Kings 6. To summarize the context of this chapter, the King of Aram had surrounded the city where Elisha was in hopes of capturing him. Naturally, Elisha's servant was terrified that the enemy's army was ready to strike, exclaiming, "what shall we do?"

And this was Elisha's reply (reading from 2 Kings 6:16-17):

16 “Don’t be afraid,” the prophet answered. “Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.”

17 And Elisha prayed, “Open his eyes, Lord, so that he may see.” Then the Lord opened the servant’s eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

These few sentences touched me:
"Don't be afraid"
"Those who are with us are more than those who are with them"
"Open his eyes, Lord, so that he may see"

More often than not, my journey with Moyamoya feels like a really lonely one. Few people understand the pain and the struggle this disease brings. To some, like me, it's an invisible disorder. I look healthy from the outside, but my brain and functioning is in chaos.

Verses 16 and 17 was a gentle reminder that I do not need to fear as God is on my side and is in control of this battle. He is watching over me and his angels are surrounding me.

Brother Peng Kit called on us to pray for God to open our eyes that we can see what He is doing in our lives. Sometimes, we can't see His work or we are clueless to what His will is for us. Sometimes, I don't know what this personal struggle is for. I don't know what I am to learn from this. I need to earnestly pray that God will reveal to me what He is doing and to help me reject the devious lies of the devil that I am suffering alone.

As I was meditating upon these verses, a hymn that I love to sing came to me. Upon reading the lyrics of this hymn, I found it so appropriate for it to be my prayer to God - not only to open my eyes to see His work in me, but for my ears to be open to His Truths, my mouth to openly share about His love for me, and my mind to be open to His Word, so that I am walking the right path with Him and continue to be a good testimony for Him.

After going through youtube, I found this slow rendition of the hymn, and the girl sings it so beautifully. Unfortunately, she does not sing all 4 verses of the hymn. But I still love it.

Open My Eyes

Open my eyes that I may see
Glimpses of truth Thou hast for me;
Place in my hands the wonderful key
That shall unclasp and set me free. 

Chorus:

Silently now I wait for Thee,
Ready, my God, Thy will to see;
Open my eyes, illumine me,
    Spirit Divine!

Open my ears that I may hear
Voices of truth Thou sendest clear;
And while Your whispers fall on my ear,
Everything false will disappear.

Open my mouth and let me bear
Tidings of mercy everywhere;
Open my heart and let me prepare
Love with Thy children thus to share.

Open my mind that I may read
More of Thy love in word and deed;
What shall I fear while yet Thou dost lead?
Only for light from Thee I plead.

Open my eyes, Lord... Teach me to be ready to see Your Will...