Food for Thought

Had a short chat with dear Hui Min after our get-together. And I felt she was God-given. It's interesting how short conversations can mean so much and that I managed to have a big take home message from that 5+ minute chatter. Makes me realize that it's not how much we talk, but the content of our conversations that matter.

We spoke about how many of us are struggling with different things in life, but yet we all are also somehow or rather in the same boat - all of us feeling drained and burnt out, at times discouraged. So many times we feel the need to strive and to work to make things better for ourselves, to improve our own condition. 

What struck me was when she pointed out that maybe we are trying too hard. Pushing ourselves beyond our limits to achieve things to make ourselves feel like we have made the effort to make a difference in our lives. 

"What if we weren't called to do more... but to do less, so that we can see God at work in us?"

That statement/question really blew my mind. I could really relate with that... as I tend to be a do-er. Always on the go, and not satisfied to take the backseat. But what if I am trying to do everything with my own strength, and not allowing God to work in my life?

I think sometimes I strive too hard to serve God, to glorify Him... not that it's a bad thing. But what if He could be glorified even more if I were to surrender myself to Him and let Him work His wonders?

Already I've seen the many prayers that He has answered in the past - my finances, getting the doctors I need, friends who are understanding... these were providences that I could not have been able to attain on my own. 

I really do need to take a step back and let God work in my life. I know I will struggle with this... but I need to give it a try. 

These verses came to mind as I was reflecting on our conversation:

John 3:30
Hebrews 12:2

I've got to try to focus less on myself and what I can do to make things better, but more on setting my eyes upon God to see Him work in my life. Sometimes, I realize it's so easy to be distracted by the problems at hand, that I would forget the bigger picture; and the One who is in control.

I need to learn to have faith that God is working... even though sometimes it feels like it's a period of silence. Am I being too impatient? He knows what is going on a lot better and more than I do. I still have a lot of questions for sure... and I know that I will still wrestle with God... but it's good to be reminded that He has my best intentions at heart, and if I were to obey Him and remain faithful... I may be more at peace and He will be glorified. 

I'm going to stumble along the way, but I pray that God will continue to remind me to focus on Him.

A Reflection from Another's Experience

I'm currently glued to a book written by neurosurgeon, Dr Paul Kalanithi, "When Breath Becomes Air" (book cover appears above).

I cried buckets. It's very personal for me, reading his words, as I can really relate to his pain and struggle. You see, Dr Paul Kalanithi discovered he had lung cancer. His life went topsy-turvy after that diagnosis. It became a race for time he didn't have much left.

Having a terminal/critical illness really throws you off. You're never prepared for it. But when you're aware that you have it, priorities and perspectives begin to alter. There is this sense of urgency, you probably never felt before.

I totally understood what he meant when he wrote about having to let go of his "old" self, and having to find a new identity. I understand that I don't exactly have a terminal illness and my deterioration isn't rapid, but I do see changes in myself. Changes that I would love to not happen, but it's beyond my control - getting easily fatigued, frequent migraines, having difficulty with concentration and mental processing after a short span of time. I can no longer read "deep" books that I enjoy, only opting for easy reads that won't contribute to my migraines. My fingers have difficulty obeying me now, and sometimes they feel foreign as I attempt to play the guitar and they just seize up and aren't as flexible and quick as before.

One of the hardest decisions I had to make was to quit my job to focus on my recovery. For someone who loves her vocation and likes to keep busy, choosing to rest is a difficult struggle. It becomes especially tough when I see my peers being able to be successful in their careers or some may be indifferent and are not doing anything even though they have the means and health to.
Sometimes it makes me panic, "What do I do when my funds run out? Then what?"
Sometimes I have to face the question - "What if I don't get better? What if I can no longer work like I used to? What are my future plans? Am I getting ahead of myself?"

So many questions.

I know I have to take one step at a time, but I guess I've always felt more secure if I had some plans to fall back on. I do see that this has made me depend a lot more on God for providence. But me being human, there are times I worry.

Sometimes...and this may sound bad... but sometimes, I wish I knew how much longer I had left. Then I could better plan my time. Refocus. Reorganize. Do the necessary. The uncertainty of not knowing if and when I'd have a massive stroke, or when I will start deteriorating can be quite frustrating (it's a progressive disease, I will eventually deteriorate. In fact, I haven't exactly been feeling swell and dandy after my surgeries, so I'm still at risk). I find myself having to hold back from being involved in certain projects because it may cause harm to me. And I end up feeling restless. Doesn't seem at all that I am restful, huh?

It doesn't help when people tell me that I should work and not just sit around. It tends to burst open the can of worms that I've been trying to slowly deal with. Everytime, I will break down and cry. The frustration gets to me, when people question my "sabbatical" leave.    

Anyway, I have not read the end of the book... but I can imagine there will be more tears shed. I had to take a break from reading it today because it was just too emotionally intense for me.

I'm going to bed. Writing this post has drained me of my energy. Something that probably wouldn't have been true in the past, but it's something I have to learn to accept now - my "battery" depletes rapidly.