anticipated but not accepted

Ever had that experience when you are anticipating that things will change, but you didn't expect the change to be so drastic... and it becomes hard to accept these changes?

i'm not just talking about my health. I realize quite a few relationships I've had has changed. I feel distant to some people that I used to be close to. What happened? I used to put a lot of blame on myself that I didn't work hard to initiate conversations/meeting (which to be honest, isn't really true). But of late, i'm beginning to see that relationships goes both ways. I can't be the only one working to maintain the friendship. If I'm the one who is "responsible" to keep the friendship afloat, what is the other person doing? what is the other person's role? just take and that's it?

i've got enough on my plate these days. I'm just tired. maybe I should just focus on relationships that encourage me as I do them, then me just giving my all and not getting anything in return.

changes are hard... its tough to accept them.. but I really got to try moving on.

bridging the old and new

I think I've experienced a breakthrough in different aspects of my life. One is my struggle in clinging on to my old identity to learning to be ok with who I am now. Another is rediscovering my child-like faith and trust in God, and rebuilding my relationship with Him - seeing Him as my Loving and Gracious Father and me, His vulnerable daughter... instead of a Master-Servant relationship.

I feel free-er than I have been for some time. More at peace. It's funny how God works... Him reminding me of one of my favorite childhood Christian songs. so simple and yet so powerful.

I WILL LIE DOWN AND SLEEP (Psalm 4:8)

I will lie down and sleep

And sleep in peace

I will lie down and sleep in peace 

For You, O Lord, make me dwell in safety

I will lie down and sleep in peace

I've never really paid attention to what Steve Greene said as a kid.. but now, hearing what he says... brings tears to my eyes. It feels as though he is talking straight to me and assuring me of God's love to me.

My spiritual director spoke about the circumcision of the heart - setting myself apart to worship and love Him.

The parable of the mustard seed has been on my mind of late too.. I realize the do-er side of me has always been trying to prove my worth. The more I did made me feel more valuable. These past two years have been difficult because I can't do what I used to... but the mustard seed parable reminds me that even if I have something insignificant/small to offer, it can grow to something huge. I just need to offer it to the Lord and nurture it.

The image that comes to my mind, is me being lost in a jungle, with God being huge and looming above me looking down.. but I haven't been able to find Him though I know He is there. And He has been pushing trees apart for me to look up and gaze upon Him. I hope this mental picture stays.

But thank You, Father. I really needed your assurance..