Two boxes

I have in my hands two boxes,
Which God gave me to hold.
He said, 'Put all your sorrows in the black box,
And all your joys in the gold.'
I heeded His words, and in the two boxes,
Both my joys and sorrows I stored,
But though the gold became heavier each day,
The black was as light as before.

With curiosity, I opened the black,
I wanted to find out why,
And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole,
Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused,
'I wonder where my sorrows could be! '
He smiled a gentle smile and said,
'My child, they're all here with me..'

I asked God, why He gave me the boxes,
Why the gold and the black with the hole?
'My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
The black is for you to let go.' 

Arielle Perkins

time to break the cycle

Again... the pattern goes another circle. another cut off.

Was I angry and upset when I had my suspicions? Yes... Did my heart break when my suspicions were confirmed? Yes. Do I grieve from time to time? Yes too... But what I realized was different this round was that I was able to pull myself out of the trap that I am an unlovable person who needs to push myself harder and make more sacrifices just to make people happy. I am disappointed that things have turned out this way, but all I can do now is to wish this person well and to pray that God will protect and guide this person to live more meaningfully.

I know sometimes the memories jerk me into sadness... but a recent conversation with a new-found friend affirmed how much I really do care for people, and how there are people who recognize and appreciate me for who I am. And for that, I am really grateful.

I am actually really thankful that I have been delving deeper into the Acceptance Commitment Therapy model. It has seriously helped me reflect and grow as a person. Life is far from perfect, I am weary most of these days due to the expectations placed on me... but I feel a sense of freedom of choice - from my discussions in my spiritual direction and even through ACT... as i learn to figure out my options that could lead me to living according to my values and Christ-likeness... it has helped me focus on what's important to me. There are so many distractions in life - pain and suffering, tiredness.. but being able to focus on what steps I could take really is very refreshing.

self awareness

The past few weeks, I've been trying to figure out if people hear themselves talk... or if they have any self awareness. It feels like I am facing quite a few people who have very "good" things to say, the "right" things to say... but they don't actually practice what they preach. 

It's been tough making a stand... sometimes I just want to give up and let things die because I'm so tired and discouraged... Am I doing what I do out of my unfreedom? my sense of duty? I'm trying to figure things out for myself too and be aware of my own motives when I do or am involved in certain things. 

My spiritual director told me to take a few days off for me to reprioritize what is important to me, and what I feel strongly about... but at the same time, do I feel free to make certain decisions, or are my decisions/choices driven by my sense of responsibility. She cautioned me (which i believe is true) that I will resent certain aspects if I am forced to make a decision.

Lord, help me. Sometimes instead of constantly playing the encourager role, I wish there were individuals who would encourage me too...