as the year 2018 draws to a close...

Yet another year is coming to an end.

This year has been a challenge and yet I see God's Hand in whatever I am doing. My Father in Heaven has provided for my needs. My Father in Heaven has helped grant me peace for the turmoil my earthly father inflicts on me.

Lord, there are many times I want to tell others about my sacrifices I have done for the family... but I feel that God has held me back from doing so... with the constant reminder that God sees my deeds. I struggle, Lord. I struggle, feeling taken for granted. But I am comforted that God sees and He knows.

This year was a reminder that God is with me, that He is in control. And He is Enough. Many times I've yearned for more. Yearned to be able to do more. Dreamed to do things that are on my bucket list, such as sky diving, diving and bungee jumping, etc. I've had to give that up due to my condition that doesn't seem to be improving. God in His Grace has opened my heart to consider the losses I will continue to experience as my disease progresses overtime. I grieved when I realized this possibility. But the biggest thing that came out of that reflection was that God will always be there and He WILL be enough for me.

God has brought to me spiritual and emotional healing. My physical body may deteriorate but what joy to know that God is true always and forever! The Lord has given me the freedom to be true to my emotions and to be assertive. Others will pull me down but I pray that the Lord will keep me afloat.

Father, as the new year comes... I pray that You will be my Focus. Help me embrace a life that is meaningful to You. Teach me Your ways. Strengthen me for whatever that is ahead. Grant me the wisdom to live according to Your Will. Walk with me....

My Father, I surrender the year 2019 to You... I can resonate with the words of Paul.. coming Home would be a joy and gain... but if you grant me another year of life, please guide me to live a life worthy of Your gospel.

This song is a reminder of my security in Christ... may this be a prayer that brings me to and through 2019...

Christ Is Mine FOREVERMORE

Mine are days that God has numbered

I was made to walk with Him

Yet I look for worldly treasure

And forsake the King of kings

But mine is hope in my Redeemer

Though I fall, His love is sure

For Christ has paid for every failing

I am His forevermore

Mine are tears in times of sorrow

Darkness not yet understood

Through the valley I must travel

Where I see no earthly good

But mine is peace that flows from heaven

And the strength in times of need

I know my pain will not be wasted

Christ completes his work in me

Mine are days here as a stranger

Pilgrim on a narrow way

One with Christ I will encounter

Harm and hatred for His name

But mine is armour for this battle

Strong enough to last the war

And He has said He will deliver

Safely to the golden shore

And mine are keys to Zion city

Where beside the King I walk

For there my heart has found its treasure

Christ is mine forevermore

Come rejoice now, O my soul

For His love is my reward

Fear is gone and hope is sure

Christ is mine forevermore!

Aren - Grace

Aren... the kelabit name given to me, meaning "Grace".

The person who gave me this name said that in our context as Christians, it always refers to the Grace of God.

This name is really fitting because it is reminding me of God's Grace over me. I am so blessed to have friends who give me the space to explore my pain and suffering, while enjoying good times with me.

I thank God for His never-ending Grace and Love.

Frances means "living in freedom". Now adding Aren.. It is Living in Freedom and Grace :)

guard my heart, Lord

Dear Lord,

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be renewed in Bario. I thank You that I had done my MRI before leaving for Sarawak. It gave me time to process what may come next in my future. Lord, I thank You for granting me new-found friends who are so affirming and encouraging, who gave me space to grieve.

Lord, I want to pray about the people I come into contact with. There are times when I feel so discouraged by the people who are supposed to serve alongside me, but have conveniently dropped their responsibilities for their own interests. It pains me, Lord, to see people complain and yet to contribute to the issues we face.

I know I do not have the strength to carry this burden on my own. I am reminded how You invite me to come to You when I am weary and heavy-laden. Please give me the wisdom to handle these conflicts. May I do what pleases You and yet be reminded always that You love me because I am Your creation, not because of what I can do for You.. Lord, I thank You for reminding me that You are a Good and Gracious King.

Good and Gracious King

I approach the throne of glory

Nothing in my hands I bring

But the promise of acceptance

From a good and gracious King

I will give to You my burden

As You give to me Your strength

Come and fill me with Your Spirit

As I sing to You this praise

You deserve the greater glory

Overcome, I lift my voice

To the King in need of nothing

Empty handed I rejoice

You deserve the greater glory

Overcome with joy I sing

By Your love I am accepted

You’re a good and gracious King

O what grace that You would see me

As Your child and as Your friend

Safe, secure in You forever

I pour out my praise again

Holy, holy, Lord Almighty

Good and gracious

Good and gracious

Holy, holy, Lord Almighty

Good and gracious King

Two boxes

I have in my hands two boxes,
Which God gave me to hold.
He said, 'Put all your sorrows in the black box,
And all your joys in the gold.'
I heeded His words, and in the two boxes,
Both my joys and sorrows I stored,
But though the gold became heavier each day,
The black was as light as before.

With curiosity, I opened the black,
I wanted to find out why,
And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole,
Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused,
'I wonder where my sorrows could be! '
He smiled a gentle smile and said,
'My child, they're all here with me..'

I asked God, why He gave me the boxes,
Why the gold and the black with the hole?
'My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
The black is for you to let go.' 

Arielle Perkins

time to break the cycle

Again... the pattern goes another circle. another cut off.

Was I angry and upset when I had my suspicions? Yes... Did my heart break when my suspicions were confirmed? Yes. Do I grieve from time to time? Yes too... But what I realized was different this round was that I was able to pull myself out of the trap that I am an unlovable person who needs to push myself harder and make more sacrifices just to make people happy. I am disappointed that things have turned out this way, but all I can do now is to wish this person well and to pray that God will protect and guide this person to live more meaningfully.

I know sometimes the memories jerk me into sadness... but a recent conversation with a new-found friend affirmed how much I really do care for people, and how there are people who recognize and appreciate me for who I am. And for that, I am really grateful.

I am actually really thankful that I have been delving deeper into the Acceptance Commitment Therapy model. It has seriously helped me reflect and grow as a person. Life is far from perfect, I am weary most of these days due to the expectations placed on me... but I feel a sense of freedom of choice - from my discussions in my spiritual direction and even through ACT... as i learn to figure out my options that could lead me to living according to my values and Christ-likeness... it has helped me focus on what's important to me. There are so many distractions in life - pain and suffering, tiredness.. but being able to focus on what steps I could take really is very refreshing.

self awareness

The past few weeks, I've been trying to figure out if people hear themselves talk... or if they have any self awareness. It feels like I am facing quite a few people who have very "good" things to say, the "right" things to say... but they don't actually practice what they preach. 

It's been tough making a stand... sometimes I just want to give up and let things die because I'm so tired and discouraged... Am I doing what I do out of my unfreedom? my sense of duty? I'm trying to figure things out for myself too and be aware of my own motives when I do or am involved in certain things. 

My spiritual director told me to take a few days off for me to reprioritize what is important to me, and what I feel strongly about... but at the same time, do I feel free to make certain decisions, or are my decisions/choices driven by my sense of responsibility. She cautioned me (which i believe is true) that I will resent certain aspects if I am forced to make a decision.

Lord, help me. Sometimes instead of constantly playing the encourager role, I wish there were individuals who would encourage me too...

toxic relationships

sometimes I wonder why I seem to get sucked into toxic relationships both in family and friendships. It seems so easy for me to be made the scapegoat and target. It' so emotionally draining.

I am in desperate need for guidance... sometimes I just want to yell and tell people to wake up... but it's hard with my non-confrontational nature. And i always fear losing control... I pray really hard for guidance from God.. sometimes it's so hard to forgive.. so hard to walk in Christ's shoes..

In my desperation, i googled this...
http://www.sun-gazing.com/6-things-can-dealing-family-members-toxic/

I don't know.. I wish I know what to do that would be pleasing to God. sigh.