My Journey of 2020
To say that the year 2020 has been challenging would be an understatement. I’ve
felt stretched, pushed, battered and burdened. I experienced anxiety,
depression, burnout, and grief. Some significant events that pop into my mind -
my mom had a fall that rendered her bed-bound for more than a month and I was
the sole caregiver because my sisters were all overseas, I was hospitalized for
5 days due to a lung infection, I worried about finances, I fell back into
depression for a period of time, I unfortunately gained back the weight I lost even
though I am still sick, I wrestled with yet another diagnosis and grieved over
an anticipatory loss of a bodily function… and yet, I also experienced God’s
love and witnessed His faithful providence in the midst of these struggles.
Whenever I came before the Lord, broken and bruised, He assured me of His Love;
that He would never abandon me in my pain, and His grace will always be
sufficient for me.
In the chaos of a global pandemic, God has kept my family
and I safe from the virus so far.
When my mom was bedbound, church members and college friends banded together to
come up with meal plans so that the burden of cooking could be relieved from
me. I had people reach out to provide me the support I needed while I juggled
between managing the house, tending to my parents and also working from home.
While I worried about my ability to pay for my numerous medical treatments, God
reminded me that I do not need to be anxious about tomorrow because He is in
control and He will provide for me. And that came in the form of friends who have
so generously offered to contribute money if I so need it, and I managed to
retain a job even when the economy was bad due to the pandemic.
While I struggled with my health and realized that my body will continue to deteriorate,
God reminded me that this earthly damage is inevitable but I have a beautiful hope
in Him, and one day this body will be replaced with a perfect, eternal body
when I return Home. While this life is difficult, it will one day pass away and
I have much to look forward to and He is my foundation that I can stand firm in,
regardless of my current circumstances.
He has also shown me that even in my depths of grief and sadness, I can be a
vessel of compassion and comfort to others because I have experienced and
endured much pain. While this process has thrown me way out of my comfort zone,
it has also shaped me to be a more genuine person, and has taught me to trust
God and not depend on my own strength. I have learnt that I do not need to
appear strong in order to serve or help others, but being real and authentic
means so much more. I have also learnt that many a time, I just need to be
present for others in their moments of fear and anxiety, instead of jumping
straight into my doer/fixer self.
I was given a very special gift from God this year when I was able to
participate in a medical study that if proven, could help people receive early
intervention before a major stroke occurs. I had lamented before that I would
never be a blood donor due to my Moyamoya disease, but it was because I was a
Moyamoya patient that I was selected to be part of this study.
Another loss I had experienced in the recent years was that I would never be able to
adopt a child as I am chronically ill and hence will not be able to support the
child. But I was reminded this year that I have actually developed many dear friendships
over time, and many are of varying ages and yet we are able to bless and
encourage one another in our life journey. It made me realize that I am still
able to care for others even if it isn’t in the shape of an adopted child, but
rather much like having younger siblings.
While I had withdrawn myself from socializing at a point when my depression was
setting in again, God renewed and deepened other relationships – our conversations
and support for one another have been meaningful, personal and encouraging. I
also found joy and meaning in connecting with my students while we had to learn
to adapt to online classes.
This year felt stagnant and to be honest, I was initially in denial that the year
2020 was coming to an end as I was wondering what I had done this year. It felt
as though the year whizzed past and I was not really a part of it. But now that
I am reflecting, many things have happened and I’ve learnt a lot. While the
uncertainty of a new year is still true, in the recent months, God has reignited
a dream that I’ve shelved since my surgeries and friends who share this dream
have also shared in my joy and excitement to plan for this dream to come true.
As the clock continues to tick towards midnight that will indicate a new year, I
find myself listening to this song on loop – The Malaysia Blessing, while I
reflect on how the year 2020 has been. This song truly encourages me as it
reminds me of God’s Love for me. The fact that it is sung in the many different
languages of my beautiful Malaysia drives home for me that every tongue will
confess that Christ is Lord. I teared and had goosebumps as I listened and sang
along. I am so touched by the promises of God stated in this song that He will
always be there for me. And this song’s message will continue to ring true that
The Lord is for me and that He will bless me and keep me, and be gracious to me
and He will give me peace even in the midst of trials and tribulations. As I
usher in the new year, the Lord is with me and will continue to journey with me
through my highs and lows. With His assurances in mind, I step forward to the new year with hope and anticipation. Thank you, Father. J
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9vJw3tZ7E0
Verse:
The Lord bless you and keep you
Make his face shine upon you
And be gracious to you
The Lord turn His face toward you
And give you peace
Barakatan (Be
blessed) - Dusun
Lalu ngintu (and protected) - Iban
使祂的脸光照你 (The Lord make His face shine upon you) - Mandarin
也赐恩给你 (and be gracious to you) - Mandarin
Karthar unakku samathanam (The Lord give you peace) - Tamil
Mare senang (Give you peace) - Kelabit
Chorus:
Amen, Amen, Amen
Tuhan s’lalu
berkati
Wajah-Nya menyinari mu
Dengan kasih kurnia
Memandang mu,
Tuhan beri
Kedamaian
Bridge:
May His favor be upon you
And a thousand generations
And your family and your children
And their children, and their children
May His
presence go before you
And behind you, and beside you
All around you, and within you
He is with you, He is with you
In the
morning, in the evening
In your coming, and your going
In your weeping, and rejoicing
He is for you, He is for you
Rahmat Tuhan
bersama mu
Tuk seribu generasi
Keluarga, anak kamu
Cucu cicit, anak m'reka
Ke hadapan
bersama mu
Belakang mu, sebelah mu
Sekeliling dan dalaman
Tuhan ada dengan kamu
Waktu siang,
waktu petang
Waktu pergi, waktu datang
Susah hati, senang hati
Dia ada untuk kamu, Dia ada untuk kamu
