A Week on but still in disbelief

 The title pretty much sums up how I feel.

It's exactly a week since my aunt's passing but it still feels surreal. I am still in disbelief that she has left us, finding it so hard to grasp the reality of it. I can't even imagine how my other aunts feel, to have a missing presence in their lives.

This grief is going to stay with us for a long time. 

Equilibrium

I have been in a daze and disoriented since hearing of my aunt's passing. The fact that we could not hold any funeral services or even just a memorial for her seems to have caused a hitch for my family to grieve and to process her death. I think foor the most part, we are still in disbelief and in shock.  

It's as though life is still going on and yet there is this obstacle that I can't fully explain that is stopping me in my tracks. We haven't been able to mourn and gain closure - with the Total lockdown about to be implemented next week. We can't gather as a family to remember my aunt. I've been thinking that we could do an private-family-only online service to remember her. But my health and physical body has not been cooperative for me to have the energy to plan anything. Maybe this time my grief is manifesting itself through my body just wanting to shut down.  

I feel bogged down by the many responsibilities that I bear at home. And it's impacting my muscle recovery. How do I find balance? That has always been a question that I find difficult to answer. Even if I want to delegate tasks, who do I share the burden with? I think the combo of being a do-er, an empath and an initiator is terrible in these circumstances. I literally feel the weight on my shoulders. The state of equilibrium feels unstable at the moment.

This whole ideal has actually decreased my excitement and anticipation of my dream job interview.  

Lord, please help me find rest and peace, and that I would still be able to to give my all during the coming interview. 

Covid Sucks...

 

In Loving Memory, Lim Lim Poh

(22.09.1958 - 25.5.2021)

I'm sorry I don't have a more flattering picture of you, Ku Jie. We were never very close but I always loved hearing about your adventures - having scaled numerous mountains. We shared about our own camping trips but yet never having camped together. A regret I'll always have. You also encouraged me when I was gaining a lot of weight again due to my thyroid issues, sharing with me the home exercises you engaged in. 

You were fit too. Among the fittest in our Lim family, except for the arrhythmia that runs in our genes, that I too possess. I had received word on the 21st of May that you had discovered a ruptured tumor in your pelvis, and you had also contracted Covid. With our rising number of infections, we had no clue how you were infected. In fact, you had been very careful not to go out. I was told you were stable at that time even at the hospital and did not require to be placed in the ICU. And I even tried to explore if there were ways for you to be transferred to a government hospital because there was concern that you couldn't afford private fees.

We never expected you to leave us. And so soon. I was in disbelief when Aunty Choo Yew called late morning and said that you were gone. With this Covid situation, we are not even allowed to see your body for the last time. I am not able to bring my parents to visit your sisters who are left behind because they were in close contact with you and need to be quarantined. I see my dad still trying to process your passing and his helplessness that he cannot visit his remaining sisters. I made so many calls to try to find out what can be done. I had two friends who tried to make calls on my behalf as well. Many differing advice at this time of covid. But one was constant - that we cannot conduct any funeral service for you. We will not be able to pay our last respects to you.

I'm thankful that you're a child of God. This gives me comfort to know that you will be safe in His presence. But it still hurts knowing that you are gone and the last I got to see you was in February when I managed to pass you some CNY goodies while on my way to work. I had promised that I will bring my parents to visit when things were safer but that time never came. It just worsened. 

And now, you're gone. I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. 

A Funny and Memorable Moment

So on Facebook, this memory popped up. And without fail, whenever I chance upon this video, I will laugh with tears streaming down my face because of the hilarity of it. I just thought of linking it here so that I can view it again with ease in the future. It definitely brightened my day.

Game of Taboo (2010)

It was fun to revisit my blurness which I still embody very much, 11 years later from the time of this video.  Technically, my answers were not wrong... just totally out of context HAHAHA. The two friends seated at my left and right were just shoving me from the nonsense amusement I was inadvertantly providing. Ahh.. the good ol' days. 

I watched it at least 10 times today, and the intensity of my laughing never decreased, resulting in me actually getting a headache due to the lack of oxygen in my brain. This typically happens when I laugh too much and too hard. It hurts but I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

Some kinds of pain is just worth it. 

Being A Supervisor

One of the things I enjoy most from my training in psychology is the practice of reflection. Sure, there are times when I ruminate and my thoughts spiral, which is not very healthy but being able to stop and review myself, namely my experiences, my thoughts, my feelings and to respond to them, helps me to discover parts of myself - whether its to acknowledge my limitations or to validate my strengths. 

One of the prevailing themes of late was the realization that I really do enjoy being a educator/mentor/supervisor. My journey as an educator started early, having taught tuition to children from underprivileged families as part of a church ministry. However, I recall having doubts about teaching as a career, feeling like I wouldn't be able to live up to expectations due to my mom having been a teacher herself. Looking back, I had really poor self esteem back then. But even then, I still ended up teaching for two years because my sister needed an English teacher because I was expected by my family to help her out at her centre. In fact, my motivation to do my masters was so that I could have a way out from bearing that expectation for the rest of my life. But I did enjoy the children and being maternal towards them. 

A few years later, I was offered the role as a tutor thanks to my ex-lecturer-cum-friend. Again, I had my doubts, even though I had already conducted workshops before as a trainer and had guest lectured several uni level classes. But this time, I took it as a challenge to grow as a person and professional. And honestly, it was a practical move - I needed a flexible but secure job to earn my keep. My private practice boss-cum-friend had also encouraged me to take on clinical supervisees because she felt I had the gift of mentoring others. It took some time for her to convince me to take the first step of supervising because I felt incompetent - I had only agreed after taking a course on how to be a supervisor to prepare myself.  

My university students, both the undergraduate and master-level students, and even my current supervisees have been very affirming of my interactions with them. One of my clinical interns had recently thanked me for being a good mentor to her after I had posed a few questions to her in response to a crossroad she was facing. My boss has been validating my efforts - stating that my approachable nature yet unwavering ethical/clinical standards make me a good supervisor. And just today, I received an unexpected email from an undergraduate student I taught last year, who decided to drop a random email just to let me know that she enjoyed my classes last year and ask if I taught any 3rd year subjects, reason being she wanted to take those classes. 

I have been thinking about my previous fear - noted in my recent postings - that I would be devastated in I wasn't selected for the international NGO job. Well... I won't lie, it would definitely hurt to be rejected but I'm realizing that I still have other avenues that I can shine in and actually, God has already provided these opportunities for me to grow in this particular field. In fact, if I do get that NGO role, I will miss being able to tutor and journey with my university students. 

With this in mind, the possibilities are endless. Again, God reveals hope, peace and contentment. 😊 

Counting My Blessings

 I had two nightmares that had similar themes last night. In both instances, I dreamt that my health status was a hinderance to getting my "dream job". The experience I had with the past NGO had really torched a fear in my mind that this could happen (again). 

But as I considered that possible reality, looking back, finding employment has not been too difficult for me, even post surgeries. My past work opportunities more or less came to me due to recommendations from others or the bosses knew me and wanted me to work - I didn't have much of an interview process for those times. The only other time that I had to put in more effort for it was for my IMH job in Singapore.

That's the human mind, isn't it? We do tend to have negative experiences stick with us more prominently. It's only when I allow myself to pause and to recollect my thoughts that I realize how blessed I have been. Doors have been opening, them being orchestrated by God, not by my own effort.  

Do I still have anxiety? Sure, that's a normal response but I recognize that its power over me has been reduced over the past week or so. It's been helpful to mindfully surrender control to God, to trust that He knows best, and to pray that I will be able to accept whatever outcome, positive or negative, because He has plans for me. In my previous posts, I mentioned the impact it would have on me if I did not get the job. Again, catastrophizing is such a normal occurence of thought distortion that can overtake so easily if left unchecked. It would be a lie if I said it wouldn't have any impact. But I know too that God will pick me up and I can move on, as I have in the past.  

Time and time again, He has shown His faithfulness, providence and mercy - stories gleaned from the Bible, and real personal experiences as well. 

What is my focus then? Do I place all my energy to focus on my disappointments? Or do I fix my gaze on the One who is sovereign and is in control overall. The plus point is that He knows my heart. The question I ask myself is if my heart is aligned to His?