Milestones

 So... I wasn't able to secure the position of my "dream job". Oddly enough, I thought I would be more distraught and devastated by the rejection. But its been a little over a week or so since I got rejected but I'm actually dealing with it rather well. Of course, I was sad that I didn't get the job but I didn't feel the self-esteem plunge I had half-expected myself to experience if this scenario were to present itself.

The reason why they rejected me was unclear though they did say I was a very strong candidate, and my email requesting for feedback was left unanswered. It was amusing that I ended up comforting a friend who was even more upset about this outcome than I was. 

I think what helped me accept was that from the get-go, although it did seem as though I was a shoo-in for this job due to my work experience and expertise, I knew that God was in control and He would either open or close this door. Of course I struggled with that too, because I'm a control freak. My friend had said that it was 99.999% possibility of me getting the job, but all it takes is that 0.001% for God to shut the door, if it is not according to His Will. 

Also, even after being rejected... this whole process made it clear to me where my heart lies - which is to advocate for the voiceless and vulnerable. I may not be able to do that with this particular organization but there are other avenues available. And that's what matters - that I will still aim to do what is meaningful to me. 

Something another friend said piqued my interest - the words we use can unconsciously cause us to put more pressure on ourselves. The whole "dream job" prospect. So what happens if we don't get our dream job? Does that mean life is not meaningful anymore. Are our hopes and dreams utterly dashed then? After experiencing this rejection, I realize - yes this job does seem ideal and matches my personality and passion, but I can live without it. I can still intentionally engage in meaningful behaviours that are aligned with my personality and passion/interests. It's not the end. Now, it is to explore ways I can do that.
Where? How? When? With Who? These are the questions that are left for me to consider.     

One of the possible hypothesis that has come up as to why I was rejected for the job is my health status. Again, I thought I would be really upset if that was the case but again, to my surprise... I have come to accept that (if that is truly the reason. I don't know as I wasn't given any clear indication). Being a person with chronic illness is just who I am. It can be seen as a huge limitation from the outside. And honestly, sometimes I see it as one too. But being a person with chronic illness has also taught me to be more empathic, to slow down, to be more humble, to rely more on God's strength and guidance, and to be kinder to myself... I guess what it takes is a paradigm shift - to acknowledge the limitations but also to recognize the strengths that have been developed due to this very experience, and to continue finding meaning and being intentional in what I do (because I don't have the luxury to waste my spoons). 

It's still a journey and it won't end until I am on my deathbed. But I'm just thankful that through all these challenges and hiccups, I have God on my side, watching over me and providing for my needs. And I have friends cheering me on as well. 

I'd say i'm very blessed 😊 

Reminscing the Memory of My Moyamoya Diagnosis

On this day, 7 years ago, I had received THE phonecall from Tan Tock Seng Hospital that shook me - the MRI I did the day before confirmed a diagnosis of Moyamoya Disease. I was actually on my way to do a home visit. I remember having to just shelve my confusion and questions, so I could focus on attending to my patient after that. And on the bus on the way home, I was just stunned throughout but my rational mind urged me to call my then-supervisor to let her know and then I messaged my bestfriend asking if I could skype with her at night. I also texted my cousin, who had suffered a stroke himself when he was 30. I remember telling him not to tell anyone in our family until I had a better understanding of what this disease was. 

The next day, my cousin, endearingly called Yee Boy, accompanied me to the hospital to see the neurologist. We have always been close, even now. He experienced a stroke just a few years prior and he is someone who would ask good questions. I needed him with me. 

So happened, I was to return to Malaysia for the weekend. And I did. When I got home, my bestfriend was waiting for me at my house. She wanted to stay the night to accompany me, and to be my emotional support when I broke the news to my parents. I still remember her telling me that she was surprised by how emotionally detached I was when I shared my diagnosis with my parents. I had showed my parents my MRI scans and told them matter-of-factly about what Moyamoya was and what were the possible treatments needed. I knew I did what I did because I wanted to be strong for my parents. If I broke down, who is going to hold the emotional fort? And honestly, I was afraid that I would not get the comfort I needed from my family if I broke down. And as cliched as this may sound, my life was never the same from then on. Mortality was a very present topic and the fight for my life began but it also made me see how God has preserved me all those earlier years.  

Now that its been 7 years, I still see God's Hand in my life. I feel I've grown much as a person because of my chronic illness journey. I definitely have my share of struggles but I've also learnt to identify what is important to me, that brings meaning. And it has helped me be more mindful and intentional whenever I engage in certain behaviors/interactions. 

Today I was drawn to meditate on Psalms 27.

The Lord is my light and my salvation—
    whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
    of whom shall I be afraid?

When the wicked advance against me
    to devour[a] me,
it is my enemies and my foes
    who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
    my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
    even then I will be confident.

4 One thing I ask from the Lord,
    this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
    all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
    and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
    he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
    and set me high upon a rock.

6 Then my head will be exalted
    above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
    I will sing and make music to the Lord.

7 Hear my voice when I call, Lord;
    be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
    Your face, Lord, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
    do not turn your servant away in anger;
    you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
    God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
    the Lord will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, Lord;
    lead me in a straight path
    because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
    for false witnesses rise up against me,
    spouting malicious accusations.

13 I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord.

AMEN.

Little Joys

 Been feeling exhausted of late. The pain at my affected muscle area still hasn't really subsided. Woke up feeling drained even though I had managed to sleep earlier than usual. But I noticed my irritation just at the surface level, ready to unleash itself. In the past, I would take cathartic measures by doing a few boxing reps but have been mindful not to exert too much intensity and impact on my muscles, so I had to forego that exercise. My chestpains came again today too. So all the more I do not want to overexert myself. 

What helped was the mail that came unexpectedly. May had sent a postcard all the way from Canada. It was such a sweet gesture that really made my day - lifting my mood. I'm so thankful for her and her postcard that came at such an apt time. She may not be my biological sister, but we definitely treat each other like one. It's uncanny that we have some similar significant life experiences but I recognize that draws us even closer.   

Thank You, Lord, for these little joyous gifts that helps light up my day.