Burnt Out

I've been feeling on edge and more irritable the past few weeks. It's just the culmination of my frustration having to juggle so many things and being expected to be on top of things, and to care for everyone else. Sometimes I wish people will stop and ask how am *I* doing. I'm human and in need of support too. I'm thankful for the handful of people who do demonstrate care to me.

Honestly, I wonder if my burnout is also worsening my depression, or vice-versa.  Just overall, feeling more demotivated and low mood. And just wanting to withdraw from the world. My exhaustion is also definitely impacting my health and physical state coz I've been experiencing a lot more nausea and migraines. And with the stress and tension, my muscles are really a pain to deal with. 

One of the best reminders I received recently, "______________ can wait". The understanding was that I needed to put myself and my needs first. Again, it's something I keep having to mindfully drill into my mind - I can't serve from an empty cup. 

Feels like I need my love tank to be recharged. 

Thankfully, I'm heading for a day trip with a colleague. Hopefully that helps. Looking forward to some quality time, good scenery and yummy food along the way. 

Countdown

I posted this on my Moyamoya blog on "The Journey of Ups and Downs". But I feel like expanding it more here, in this personal space. 

Ever since the start of this year... my mind has just shifted into countdown mode. While I recognize where the source came from... it just felt like an automatic transition, which surprises me. The problem is... I don't know when this countdown ends. 

I find myself no longer thinking of my future. Maybe that is a good thing. To just focus on the present, the here-and-now. But I realize that because the thought of my mortality is so in-my-face, I find my perspective shifting to "will I be around to witness" certain things. 

But my ever-wise colleague reminded me that it's pretty much the same for all of us. It's just that I do not have the illusion that I am invincible or that I will live forever. No one knows when we will go, but I am just more alert to the possibility of death due to my current condition. 

What is stopping you from doing what is important to you - Whether or not you die tomorrow? And are you too busy that you can't do what you are meant to do?

She reminded me that I have a dream that I wanted to accomplish but I recognize I'm too tired to pursue it because I find meaning in so many things and I overload myself. I need to refocus and to prioritize - what is mine alone that I want to do, so I will not regret it. I need to retrace my steps and to get back on my path, and live according to my values again. I think I have been living according to my values, I just need to be mindful that I don't have much gas in me and I can't do EVERYTHING. 

I think I need to breathe too. I'm really glad I've set a date to have a retreat. Even though that's a month away, it is something to look forward to. 

Declutter My Mind

 "What gave you joy today?"

This was a question posed to me by my partner-in-crime who just wanted to hear some good news, after experiencing days/weeks of stress, due to her role as the main caregiver of her elderly family. Something I can relate very much to.

And I found that question had rendered me speechless.

Don't get me wrong, I had an enjoyable day yesterday as I was treated to a zoom lunch with a dear friend. I had a difficult session after but all things considered, it sorta balanced out. 

But I found myself feeling really bleh today. I'm just thinking I need to take into consideration mental health days off. My to-do list seems never-ending. And it doesn't help that I have someone at home who constantly complains, points fingers and finds fault while I am already trying my best to manage the household.  

I realize I get so triggered. I need to detach myself more and just ignore these idiotic/unhelpful comments that really spoil my mood.  I need to tune out from this negativity that really sucks the life out of me and to declutter my chaotic and overstretched mind. 

Lord help me, please. I really need quality rest. And please take away these darn chest pains, muscle aches and migraines that plague me.