Conversations with Myself & God

I tend to be really hard on myself while being compassionate and more understanding towards other people who may be in similar predicaments as I am. 

These few months have been challenging. I have been wrestling with God and myself as I try to make sense of what's happening to me, particularly my physical health. And I see the impact it has on my mental and emotional health as well. Its times like these, that makes me glad that I'm a psychologist as my training has taught me to be reflective. 

To counter my unrealistic expectations of myself, I have recently started this practice of writing notes to myself - words of affirmation, and to normalize and empathize with myself the grief I have been feeling. I'm giving myself the safe space to grieve and mourn with myself, as I recognize my ability to function seems to be chipping away, and more things going wrong for my body, and not to mention the more frequent hospital trips - whether its the ER or my follow-up appointments. 

I was in a dark place yesterday, as I noticed that I'm not able to do as much as I would like to due to my constant exhaustion. Not gonna lie, but the days have been getting hard to get by. Time is zooming past but I feel stuck. And the pain is becoming more intense. At times, I sense that I'm losing the determination to fight, to stay alive, and to make meaning amidst all these difficulties. In the past, I would be riddled with guilt and shame but thanks to my self-talk, I was able to regulate my emotions a little better. Don't get me wrong, I do still feel the negative emotions, they just don't feel as overwhelming as they would be in the past. And I feel that God has been reaching out to me too. I was comforted yesterday and was brought to tears as I listened to Mercy Me's "Almost Home". I've shared it here before. But I just felt that the lyrics resonated so deeply within me.

Are you disappointed?
Are you desperate for help?
You know what it's like to be tired
And only a shell of yourself
Well, you start to believe
You don't have what it takes
'Cause it's all you can do
Just to move, much less finish the race
But don't forget what lies ahead

Almost home
Brother, it won't be long
Soon all your burdens will be gone
With all your strength
Sister, run wild, run free
Hold up your head, keep pressing on
We are almost home

Well, this road will be hard
But we win in the end
Simply because of Jesus in us
It's not if, but when
So take joy in the journey
Even when it feels long
Oh, find strength in each step
Knowing Heaven is cheering you on

I know that the cross has brought Heaven to us
Make no mistake, there's still more to come
When our flesh and our bone are no longer between
Where we are right now and where we're meant to be
When all that's been lost is made whole again
When these tears and this pain no longer exist
No more walking, we're running as fast as we can
Consider this our second wind

Almost home
Brother, it won't be long
Soon all your burdens will be gone
With all your strength
Sister, run wild, run free
Hold up your head, keep pressing on
We are almost home

I felt as if God acknowledged my struggle and wanted to grant me hope to persevere, and that He would be right beside me. He has blessed me with amazing friends who have been supportive of me in their own unique ways too. This helps tremendously. 

One thing I've noticed throughout this journey is that I have been learning to balance my thoughts, so that they aren't just flooded by negativity. But its also about recognizing the blessings I've received. I've also been giving space for myself to feel. To accept the emotions that course through my system, and to hold space for me to experience the many emotions I have, at any given time.   

My Values

I had a conversation recently with Jon, a childhood friend of mine. As kids, we played a lot together and as we grew older, we began having more heart to heart conversations. Recently, he touched base with me and we got to the topic of living according our values. 

Ever since I adopted the ACT approach, this was something I personally practiced. And as I reflected deeper, I realize I could boil down my values to one word.

CONNECTION

Being able to interact with people and God (and dogs!) in meaningful ways - whether through heartfelt conversations, quality time spent doing anything/nothing, helping/empowering others to reach their potential, advocating for the voiceless, comfortably spending time with myself, and commune deeply with God.

Admittedly, in the past, I was just really fixed in being a helper as that is what i'm passionate about.. and when my body started deteriorating, it really messed with my identity as a "useful/helpful" person. but after much wrestling with God and myself, I've accepted that I can still do what I'm passionate about.. just that it will look different that what i envisioned it to be 10-20 years ago..

That said, God in His grace and mercy, has allowed me to still have some semblance to what I dream to do with Safe Haven. It's more than I could have imagined it to be. The 10+ year wait was needed for me to remain focused that this is His ministry and not mine. 

When I think of connection, I think of the many dear friends that I have. Friends that I am blessed to have. Ones that I can go crazy with, and within a split second, we could provide the safe space for vulnerability to present itself. 

As I shared this with my friend, he affirmed me without hesitation, sharing that I'm a wonderful and great person, having always been a blessing to everyone and anyone around me. Such encouraging words that mean so much. 

Life has been difficult, recent times much more so. But then again, I see how God has been with me every step of the way as well. And i'm so grateful that even in my darkest moments - when I feel isolated, I'm not actually alone. I have friends who are banding around me, being my support system. And I have a God who hears my cries and frustrations. 

I Lie Awake

It is 4.28am in the morning and I am still awake. The physical pain I'm experiencing is keeping me from sleeping. I can feel the fatigue in my brain, and yet my body is unable to rest due to the discomfort. As I try to turn to the Bible for solace.. I am directed to two Bible verses. The first being Psalm 4:8.

Whenever I read this verse, I am transported back to the eve of my first brain surgery. This verse meant alot to me and it gave me tremendous peace as I prepared myself to go under the knife. And it also reminds me of Steve Green's voice, the snippet he shared before the kids sang this verse.
"Peace is a safe, calm feeling. God gives His children peace when they trust Him. No big fortress or a mighty army could keep us any safer. So, no matter where you are... or what problems you have, you can sleep peacefully because He, is watching over you"

Such assurances that enveloped me. As I listen to the song again now, i recognize that my heart is at peace... but my body is still suffering. And I realize that these two can go hand in hand and it doesn't have to be exclusive of each other. Peace doesn't mean that I am relieved of my physical pain. But what helps is knowing that God is still in control and that He is watching over me, despite the pain. 

The second verse was Romans 8:18 ~ "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us"

This verse helps me to refocus on what is important. I am by no means dismissing my discomfort and struggle. I definitely do still struggle to adapt to this New Me again. But what a joy it is to be able to look forward to the future, while remaining steadfast in my hope in my Abba Father. 

Lord, please grant me a good night's rest as I remind myself of Your everlasting love and providence. I pra too that you will sustain me as I make my way to the hospital for my lung checkup later in the day. I also pray that You will help ease the discomfort in the other parts of my body - from my gasping brain, the heaviness in my chest, my breathlessness, my tingling arm and leg, the dull ache in my abdomen, and the bleeding I am experiencing again - Lord, I just surrender all these broken and impaired parts to You.