As I was listening and observing conversations during a committee meeting I was in, I realized how much I tend to push myself - and I hardly question my frequent disregard of my own needs. My body has been literally throwing signals left, right and center at me, but I have been choosing to ignore them, pushing myself as hard as possible - especially when my to-do list seems unending. My symptoms have been flaring up more often, and the pain is getting more intense. I often have this sharp pain where my muscle tear used to be. Literally, i feel like my back is breaking from the strain.
I feel helpless with my own situation... while i notice that i'm doing other stuff to feel some sense of control. I've barely been earning an income, but i've been busy with my initiative. Don't get me wrong, I love what i'm doing.. but i recognize that this is not sustainable for the long run. But sometimes I ask myself - how much time do I have left? And with the way I'm doing things, I may just be quickening my death.
I notice that I'm quick to put on a facade. That's just me, really. I've been avoiding telling people about how I'm really doing, at times just oversimplifying what's happening or just sidestepping the question about my wellbeing entirely.
The cracks in my system is becoming more apparent. It's getting harder to cope. :(
