With my ongoing battle with illnesses, my plans do get disrupted from time to time. Even time itself feels uncertain as I have a timebomb in my head. Within these few years, I've lost dear ones - Uncle Loi, Wai Sheng, Andrew, etc - people I never expected to die before me. I've been living with the knowledge that I am chronically ill for more than 10 years, some days harder than others... and yet I'm still here.
Whenever a person dies after a (relatively) short battle with illness, I realize that I will be thrown into survival guilt as I question why God has chosen to keep me alive but not for these other people. I don't think I'll ever know the anwer till I do meet God one day but my resolve is to just live meaningfully till He does take me Home.
Sometimes, especially the days when I am unable to function due to my debilitating migraines/pains, I worry that I'm wasting my time. I end up with an internal struggle as a part of me knows that this is not what I'd wish for myself - being bedridden. Yet another part of me is frustrated because I am so limited in my energy and physical ability. While I am less hard on myself in recent years, this internal dilemma does pop up once a while. One of the biggest struggles I have is - where is Safe Haven going? We didn't have any projects last year because I was busy dealing with my health. This year, I've got even more medical appointments, even an upcoming surgery in March. Is it just an excuse I am giving myself when this in itself was my passion project? Do I even have the capacity to lead?
As 2023 was nearing it's end, I've been meditating on these three verses a lot:
~ Proverbs 16:9
"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps"
~ Proverbs 19:21
"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails"
~ Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path"
At the end of the day, the biggest lesson for me from these passages is that God is Sovereign and All-knowing. He sees the big picture - something a finite being like me would have difficulty comprehending. It also makes me realize that I can only plan so much, but He will be the one guiding and leading the way. Being a planner and perfectionist is hard as my need for control can be rather problematic. Sometimes I need to remind myself that I am not god and that I really don't know everything or what is best, and I need to trust in the One who does. Frankly, I still don't know what will happen to Safe Haven but I will try to trust that God will lead me to do what is needed and will equip and provide for the team as well. Maybe He will do something that is beyond what I can even imagine.
This reminds me of the passage in Isaiah 55:8-9
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
So the bigger question for me is - am I aligned to His Will? Do I strive to serve His purpose? Honestly, how does that even look like? How will I please Him? Am I doing things just for my own gratification? Can I be flexible and accept when things do not turn out the way I envision them to be but trust that whatever happens, God intends them to still turn out for good (Romans 8:28)
Dear Father, please help me to humble myself before You. You know there are many things I want to do but Lord, slow me down if necessary. Teach me to sit at Your feet, to know You more and more and not just get caught up with distractions that may pull me further from You. Please Lord, help me to be sensitive to Your nudging and that I will be faithful to the work You've set forth for me and that I will honor the time You have granted me here on earth. In Jesus' Name. Amen.
This hymn came to mind as I reflected on what I've written here. I pray that this too will be my prayer.
Open My Eyes That I May See
Open my eyes that I may see
Glimpses of truth Thou hast for me
Place in my hands the wonderful key
That hall unclasp and set me free
Silently now I wait for Thee
Ready, my God, Thy will to see
Open my eyes, illumine me
Spirit Divine
Open my ears that I may hear
Voices of truth Thou sendest clear
And while the wave notes fall on my ear
Everything false will disappear
Open my mouth and let me bear
Tidings of mercy everywhere
Open my heart and let me prepare
Love with Thy children thus to share
Open my mind that I may read
More of Thy love in word and deed
What shall I fear while yet Thou dost lead
Only for light from Thee I plead