I should be working on my Safe Haven proposal that has been stalled but I've been struggling to pay attention due to the aches and pains from head to toe (literally) that I'm experiencing. I can't help but reflect on a phonecall I had last night with Sheila, a dear friend of mine, who has her own health challenges, and we've always been able to empathize with each other's physical/psychological difficulties due to our health problems.
Death is something we both talk about often, and freely. It's a comforting feeling - to know that we can broach this subject, without fear of judgment or even the need to ensure the other person doesn't think we're going to kill ourselves. But I felt there was a slight change in atmosphere yesterday, when Sheila remarked, albeit jokingly, that I cannot die before her, because she will be left alone without a friend who is able to journey so closely with her, health-wise. We could go without talking to each other for many months, but once we're on the phone - we connect instantaneously, like we've never parted. And it made me realize that having these health issues have helped me empathize and connect deeply with others who may have similar struggles. We may not have the exact same illnesses - but our experience - how we're dealing with them, our grief, our stubborn personalities - are similar.
I've considered for some time that death is something I have accepted and do not fear, and I've even whispered to Abba Father that I'm ready to go Home if that is His Will for me. While I may have come to this acceptance, I realize the grief and loss will be felt much more by some people I leave behind. Ever since I started taking sleeping meds since my December hospitalizations, I've been experiencing morbid dreams and the theme revolves around death, amongst others - that require me to struggle or attempt to escape. I am still able to recall the first ever "death dream" that occurred - while my dreams tend to be vivid and weird, I never had a dream about death (and saying my goodbyes) before. It took me quite some time to reorientate to reality due to the utter realness of that dream. And it didn't help that the three people I was given the opportunity to explain my departure and to bid farewell to, are three actual, dear people in my life, and in reality, they have in their own ways expressed how my deteriorating health scares them and they've shared the possible impact my death would have on them.
Death is typically a taboo... but I'm thankful that my faith as a child of God provides this space to voice up about death, no matter how uncomfortable it is, because death no longer has a hold on me. And that gives me comfort too - knowing where I'm heading While typing, this song popped in my head, which is an apt song as I consider the race I am currently running, and how exhausting it can be. I've also experienced joy in the midst of the pain and suffering. I recall a conversation I had with Yi Gu Ma who said that Jacob had said it was time for him to die - but God only called him 20 years later. So who knows. But I'm looking forward to finish the race with God's strength. and who knows, I may almost be home, depending on God's Will.
ALMOST HOME
We are almost home
"But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry. For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time for my departure is near. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing." 2 Timothy 4:5-8
