mind in disarray

Sometimes, i don't know if i'm over-reacting about my diagnosis. Sometimes, i tell myself, i'm ok. nothing seems to be wrong... yet. I'm still functioning fine. My usual line, "if i didn't tell you about my condition, you wouldn't have known, right?".

i decided to educate myself about the risk factors, the possible future ahead of me. the first time i read it, it started to sink in. but my defenses fell when i read this sentence aloud: "Stroke occurs when the blood supply to a part of the brain is suddenly blocked or diminished, which alters the body function controlled by that area of the brain. This is often referred to as a “brain attack.” If any part of the body - including the brain - is without a source of fresh blood and oxygen, the cells will be injured or may die. Although some cell injury is reversible, the death of brain cells is permanent, usually leaving lasting disability".

"death of brain cells is permanent, usually leaving lasting disability". I found myself staring at this short phrase, but it had such a huge impact on me.

Here I am, a usually strong character... feeling broken and destitute. what am i to do, Lord? What CAN i do?

And God answered my prayer... through a FB app.

On this day, God wants me to know... that all is well. All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should.

All is going according to plan. There is a bigger picture. and I need to trust God that life is unfolding as it should. And i remembered what my first few words were to God when i received the diagnosis, "Your Will be done".

Again, today, a reminder from God that He IS in control...

On this day, God wants me to know... that it's time you let go. Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest.

My human hands can only do so much, only God can take full control of my situation. I'm full of fear. I admit it. But i need to learn to let go, and let God take over.

Please Lord, grant me peace. grant me serenity. grant me strength. grant me comfort... Amen.

Jesus Lead me All the Way...

This verse was shared during Sunday morning Service, and I felt God was reminding me in the midst of the recent discovery/happenings. Just shows that God is forever faithful =)

Isaiah 26: 3 - 4"You will keep in perfect peace, him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal."

What struck me were these two words, "perfect" and "eternal". Nothing can be perfect or eternal except my Father in Heaven. and i think that just gives me a lot of assurance that He has everything in control. I will cling on to the Rock which will never sway, and He will grant me perfect peace whenever i'm troubled or in dispair... all i need to do is TRUST.

This song which has been on my mind since Wednesday was also sung in church. another great reminder :)

All the way my Savior leads me;

What have I to ask beside?

Can I doubt His tender mercy,

Who through life has been my Guide?

Heav'nly peace, divinest comfort,

Here by faith in Him to dwell!

For I know, whate’er befall me,

Jesus doeth all things well

All the way my Savior leads me,

Cheers each winding path I tread;

Gives me grace for every trial,

Feeds me with the living Bread.

Though my weary steps may falter,

And my soul athirst may be,

Gushing from the Rock before me,

Lo! A spring of joy I see

All the way my Savior leads me

O the fullness of His love!

Perfect rest to me is promised

In my Father’s house above.

When my spirit, clothed immortal,

Wings its flight to realms of day

This my song through endless ages—

Jesus led me all the way

Amen.

Tian, you're home with the Lord. You'll be missed...

What happened was a tragedy, but we know you're in a better place and you're with the Lord now. Rest in peace, Tian..

Am praying for your family that is left behind, your dear sister and parents...

Help me, O Lord

20/7/11

The day that I walked into the doctor's office in the hospital with thoughts of, "i should be able to grab my MRI results and go to work. shouldn't take too much time" was replaced with "I have what??"

My natural instincts took over, and pray was all i could do. "Lord, please help me. I cannot do this alone. I know You are in control. Not my will be done, but Yours". my defense mechanism worked its magic. I sat there, composed... doing what a rational person would do. asking further questions about causes, risk factors... seeking for answers that couldn't be given to me at that time. then it struck me. Could it be genetic? another question left unanswered.

all this months of struggling with my emotions, it happened again. all i could say was... i'm concerned. when really, i knew i was scared. but i pushed the fear of the unknown aside. i surrendered myself to God, but i knew that i was still struggling. struggling to take this information in. it hadn't sunk in yet. all i could do... was hope.

as i look back, i think seeing the clinical psychologist at that time did not achieve its purpose as i was still in shock, and my defense mechanism was working at its optimal level., plus my inability to express my fear made it seem that i was composed.

driving back, that was when it hit me. "did i just go to the hospital and was given a diagnosis?". And i remembered, "i need to do more tests so they can be sure how to treat me". it was surreal. a sense of loneliness began to creep in. during my nap, i dreamt i was searching for hugs to comfort me.

as day turned into night, my challenge became more difficult when i found out more information about the diagnosis, and i realized i really had no physical person... a Christian, i could turn to. rejected by a family member who found it more important to rush to watch a movie. rejected by an accountability partner who had nothing to say and was tired. rejected by a friend who shocked me by asking, "why are you upset", as though i shouldn't be. rejected by another whose first words was, "i'm not intending to break my fast".

desperate, i debated with myself. "she doesn't share the same faith as i do, would she be able to comfort me?" but i could take it no longer, and i dialed her number.. as usual, my strong mode took the lead. showing no initial signs that i needed help by asking her how she was and what she was doing... but then, later... all i could say was, "i need someone to talk to. i have no one". to my surprised, she said she would come over. I knew she would listen, but i didn't expect her to do more than that. what was more, she stayed with me way past her bedtime. her presence was a gift to me that night. she knew that i didn't only need someone to talk to, but someone to be there for me.

As i reflected. I wondered what was the difference between what she did as compared to the others. Yes, the others said they prayed for me, and i appreciate that. and I was told again and again that God will comfort me. true, i believe with all my heart that God will comfort me, but only one person reached out and became the instrument of comfort. she was indeed, God-sent.

waking up today, it still feels surreal. i'm still scared.. but i'll try to be hopeful and cling on to God. but please, don't just push the responsibility to God to comfort me and wash your hands off my case.

a hug would be nice....

special

someone i really respected shared really meaningful words with me. i never realized it, but it was a really nice feeling when being told that i've always been an encouragement... and that is one of the reasons why its so hard to say goodbye.

also, to be told that she has prayed for many students, and i was the first to pray for her.

and today, for her to share that i have the gift of caring... that really touched my heart.

i really cherish her heart-felt hugs. the way she says "thank you" to me. i think those are really genuine moments. today, i felt like her buddy =)

boundaries

useful tips... easier said than done.. but its a start.

identify and explore core belief (to see how it affects behavior) --> use problem solving skills/socratic reasoning

Explore Diclemente's stages of change; list down pros and cons

Using functional analysis (ABC model) to draw the cycle of events and to point out thought patterns that lead to the behaviors.

Use motivational interviewing skills

homework: thought stopping, coping cards

UNCONDITIONAL POSITIVE REGARD

makes me realize why its not advisable to have friends as clients. always wondered, can you be a friend and make-shift therapist at the same time? or are we supposed to "separate" our work and personal life?

confused

i don't know what is happening... is there a push-pull? am i allowing it to happen? am i letting my guard down? i just realize i soften easily... its my personality, i guess... need to CBT myself. what is my core belief. is there something i need to prove about myself? but i'm secure. i guess i just wish for deeper relationships? i just realized that a lot of my friendships are dwindling... or just getting more superficial.

it gets lonely sometimes...