One thing I do know...

Deciding to come for camp even in the midst of my crazy schedule, preparing for CCE... was the BEST decision I made. Camp is not over yet, but I felt that God has been speaking to me through the talks and through the songs we've been singing.

As i meditated on Psalms 27, i could relate to King David's struggle. but it also reminded me that we need to be remain confident in the Lord, and hope in Him. Be strong and courageous, and wait on the Lord. He is my Light and my Salvation. Whom shall I fear?

I realize in a very personal level now that God has His purpose in allowing me to struggle, to go through pain. He is refining me, to make me beautiful as how He has imagined me to be. He may even be using me, that His Name be glorified!

What certainty the ex-blind man had of his experience with Jesus. He did not know who Jesus was, but one thing he knew - he was blind but now he can see. Even for me, as i struggle at this present time with my condition, it is definitely a test of my faith. I pray that I can stand firm and trust that All is well. God is working out His purpose.

I am uncertain what lies ahead or what is in store, but one thing I do know is that God is in control and He will never forsake me.

To close, I'd like to share this song which became very personal to me tonight as I sing of God's assurance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BECAUSE HE LIVES!

God sent His son, they called Him, Jesus;
He came to love, heal and forgive;
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives!

Chorus
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives;
But greater still the calm assurance:
This child can face uncertain days because He Lives!

Chorus
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!

And then one day, I'll cross the river,
I'll fight life's final war with pain;
And then, as death gives way to vict'ry,
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He lives!

Chorus
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!

Story of the Potter and the Clay

The story is told of a couple who went to England to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary and shopped at a beautiful antique store. They both liked antiques and pottery,and especially tea-cups,and so spotting an exceptional cup,they asked "May we see that? We've never seen a cup quite so beautiful."

As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the tea-cup spoke... "You don't understand." It said, "I have not always been a tea-cup. There was a time when I was just a lump of red clay. My master took me and rolled me pounded and patted me over and over and I yelled out, Don't do that. I don't like it! "Let me alone," but he only smiled, and gently said; "Not yet!!" "Then, WHAM! I was placed on a spinning wheel and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. "Stop it! I'm getting so dizzy! I'm going to be sick!" I screamed.

But the master only nodded and said, quietly; 'Not yet.'

He spun me and poked and prodded and bent me out of shape to suit himself and then...he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I yelled and knocked and pounded at the door.

"Help! Get me out of here!" 'Not yet.' When I thought I couldn't bear it another minute, the door opened. He carefully took me out and put me on the shelf, and I began to cool.

Oh, that felt so good! "Ah, this is much better," I thought. But, after I cooled he picked me up and he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible.. "Oh, please, Stop it! Stop it!" I cried. He only shook his head and said. "Not yet..."

Then suddenly he put me back into the oven. Only it was not like the first time. This time it was twice as hot and I just knew I would suffocate. I begged... I pleaded... I screamed...I cried... I was convinced I would never make it. I was ready to give up and just then the door opened and he took me out and again placed me on the shelf, where I cooled and waited and waited, wondering "What's he going to do to me next?"

An hour later he handed me a mirror and said "Look at yourself."

And I did... I said, "That's not me, that couldn't be me. It's beautiful. I'm beautiful!"

Quietly he spoke: "I want you to remember, then," he said, "I know it hurt to be rolled and pounded and patted, but had I just left you alone, you'd have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled.

"I know it hurt and it was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened. You would not have had any color in your life.

"And if I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't have survived for long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. Now you are what I had in mind when I first began with you."

Thoughts:

1. He makes ALL things beautiful in His time (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

2. Trials/struggles are placed before me to test my faith, that i may develop perseverance... to mold me and shape me, that i will lack nothing. And i will receive a crown of Life if I am able to trust Him and persevere through it all! (James 1: 2 - 4, 12)

mind in disarray

Sometimes, i don't know if i'm over-reacting about my diagnosis. Sometimes, i tell myself, i'm ok. nothing seems to be wrong... yet. I'm still functioning fine. My usual line, "if i didn't tell you about my condition, you wouldn't have known, right?".

i decided to educate myself about the risk factors, the possible future ahead of me. the first time i read it, it started to sink in. but my defenses fell when i read this sentence aloud: "Stroke occurs when the blood supply to a part of the brain is suddenly blocked or diminished, which alters the body function controlled by that area of the brain. This is often referred to as a “brain attack.” If any part of the body - including the brain - is without a source of fresh blood and oxygen, the cells will be injured or may die. Although some cell injury is reversible, the death of brain cells is permanent, usually leaving lasting disability".

"death of brain cells is permanent, usually leaving lasting disability". I found myself staring at this short phrase, but it had such a huge impact on me.

Here I am, a usually strong character... feeling broken and destitute. what am i to do, Lord? What CAN i do?

And God answered my prayer... through a FB app.

On this day, God wants me to know... that all is well. All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should.

All is going according to plan. There is a bigger picture. and I need to trust God that life is unfolding as it should. And i remembered what my first few words were to God when i received the diagnosis, "Your Will be done".

Again, today, a reminder from God that He IS in control...

On this day, God wants me to know... that it's time you let go. Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest.

My human hands can only do so much, only God can take full control of my situation. I'm full of fear. I admit it. But i need to learn to let go, and let God take over.

Please Lord, grant me peace. grant me serenity. grant me strength. grant me comfort... Amen.

Jesus Lead me All the Way...

This verse was shared during Sunday morning Service, and I felt God was reminding me in the midst of the recent discovery/happenings. Just shows that God is forever faithful =)

Isaiah 26: 3 - 4"You will keep in perfect peace, him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal."

What struck me were these two words, "perfect" and "eternal". Nothing can be perfect or eternal except my Father in Heaven. and i think that just gives me a lot of assurance that He has everything in control. I will cling on to the Rock which will never sway, and He will grant me perfect peace whenever i'm troubled or in dispair... all i need to do is TRUST.

This song which has been on my mind since Wednesday was also sung in church. another great reminder :)

All the way my Savior leads me;

What have I to ask beside?

Can I doubt His tender mercy,

Who through life has been my Guide?

Heav'nly peace, divinest comfort,

Here by faith in Him to dwell!

For I know, whate’er befall me,

Jesus doeth all things well

All the way my Savior leads me,

Cheers each winding path I tread;

Gives me grace for every trial,

Feeds me with the living Bread.

Though my weary steps may falter,

And my soul athirst may be,

Gushing from the Rock before me,

Lo! A spring of joy I see

All the way my Savior leads me

O the fullness of His love!

Perfect rest to me is promised

In my Father’s house above.

When my spirit, clothed immortal,

Wings its flight to realms of day

This my song through endless ages—

Jesus led me all the way

Amen.

Tian, you're home with the Lord. You'll be missed...

What happened was a tragedy, but we know you're in a better place and you're with the Lord now. Rest in peace, Tian..

Am praying for your family that is left behind, your dear sister and parents...

Help me, O Lord

20/7/11

The day that I walked into the doctor's office in the hospital with thoughts of, "i should be able to grab my MRI results and go to work. shouldn't take too much time" was replaced with "I have what??"

My natural instincts took over, and pray was all i could do. "Lord, please help me. I cannot do this alone. I know You are in control. Not my will be done, but Yours". my defense mechanism worked its magic. I sat there, composed... doing what a rational person would do. asking further questions about causes, risk factors... seeking for answers that couldn't be given to me at that time. then it struck me. Could it be genetic? another question left unanswered.

all this months of struggling with my emotions, it happened again. all i could say was... i'm concerned. when really, i knew i was scared. but i pushed the fear of the unknown aside. i surrendered myself to God, but i knew that i was still struggling. struggling to take this information in. it hadn't sunk in yet. all i could do... was hope.

as i look back, i think seeing the clinical psychologist at that time did not achieve its purpose as i was still in shock, and my defense mechanism was working at its optimal level., plus my inability to express my fear made it seem that i was composed.

driving back, that was when it hit me. "did i just go to the hospital and was given a diagnosis?". And i remembered, "i need to do more tests so they can be sure how to treat me". it was surreal. a sense of loneliness began to creep in. during my nap, i dreamt i was searching for hugs to comfort me.

as day turned into night, my challenge became more difficult when i found out more information about the diagnosis, and i realized i really had no physical person... a Christian, i could turn to. rejected by a family member who found it more important to rush to watch a movie. rejected by an accountability partner who had nothing to say and was tired. rejected by a friend who shocked me by asking, "why are you upset", as though i shouldn't be. rejected by another whose first words was, "i'm not intending to break my fast".

desperate, i debated with myself. "she doesn't share the same faith as i do, would she be able to comfort me?" but i could take it no longer, and i dialed her number.. as usual, my strong mode took the lead. showing no initial signs that i needed help by asking her how she was and what she was doing... but then, later... all i could say was, "i need someone to talk to. i have no one". to my surprised, she said she would come over. I knew she would listen, but i didn't expect her to do more than that. what was more, she stayed with me way past her bedtime. her presence was a gift to me that night. she knew that i didn't only need someone to talk to, but someone to be there for me.

As i reflected. I wondered what was the difference between what she did as compared to the others. Yes, the others said they prayed for me, and i appreciate that. and I was told again and again that God will comfort me. true, i believe with all my heart that God will comfort me, but only one person reached out and became the instrument of comfort. she was indeed, God-sent.

waking up today, it still feels surreal. i'm still scared.. but i'll try to be hopeful and cling on to God. but please, don't just push the responsibility to God to comfort me and wash your hands off my case.

a hug would be nice....

special

someone i really respected shared really meaningful words with me. i never realized it, but it was a really nice feeling when being told that i've always been an encouragement... and that is one of the reasons why its so hard to say goodbye.

also, to be told that she has prayed for many students, and i was the first to pray for her.

and today, for her to share that i have the gift of caring... that really touched my heart.

i really cherish her heart-felt hugs. the way she says "thank you" to me. i think those are really genuine moments. today, i felt like her buddy =)