Hearts courageous

As days fall away, I realize my thoughts have very much been on my impending surgeries, and the fear of the unknown sometimes dominate.

Sometimes I wonder how I would be able to persevere through this major trial... 

Sometimes I grieve, feeling that I may not be able to do things I love - being adventurous, doing all kinds of adrenaline pumping activities...

Sometimes I feel afraid of losing my abilities. Something that I've taken for granted for years... 

Since returning to Singapore after my brain scan in Malaysia, I've been on the go. Sorting out my work issues, packing my belongings and trying to find a tenant to replace me, preparing myself to return to Malaysia for good... the list is long. More often than not, I feel overwhelmed by all these things that I have to do. At this point, I have 2 weeks left in Singapore and my to-do list has not exactly shrunk. Unfortunately, these stressors don't help with my disease. With every strange pain I feel, with every increasing frequency and intensity of my headaches/migraines, it makes me realize my weakness, my mortality. The helplessness sometimes creeps in.

I took a stroll today at a nearby reservoir... It wasn't too hot, the scenery was beautiful and there was a breeze throughout. To me, the breeze was a reminder of God's presence. I may not be able to see Him, but I know He is there. That's when my conversation with God began.

"Father, can I really do this? I'm so afraid..."

"I don't know what is going to happen. It feels like my life is going to change after October 11..."

"What am I going to do? Will my life be at a standstill..?" 

As I asked these questions... I saw the rippling waters and the beautiful greenery, felt the cooling breeze... and it made me realize that I was enjoying God's creation. He who created the world... also created me (fearfully and wonderfully). God makes no mistake, and allowing this trial in my life is no mistake.

While in the bus leaving the reservoir, I found a card made by Kharenee for my birthday this year. To be honest, I had forgotten about it (sorry Kharenee). Reading her message to me was like a breath of fresh air. It was an encouragement at a time when I've been feeling drained and insecure. She also reminded me of our Girls' Camp theme song several years back. I remembered reflecting with several girls back then during their morning devotion to personalize the lyrics, to really take the stand to cling on to God no matter what happens in life, and not allow ourselves to just sing for the sake of singing. 

Today, I shall make this song my own...

HEARTS COURAGEOUS

Give me ears to hear that still, small voice, 
And give me lips, forever willing to rejoice. 
And may my eyes be lit with wisdom, 
May I know the path that's true, 
And I'll march with a heart courageous after You. 

Chorus:
I'm marching on with a heart courageous, 
I'll follow anywhere You want me to. 
And should You lead me where the battle rages, 
Let me march with a heart courageous, after You. 

And when sorrow dims the light along my way, 
Help me to see each time of darkness through eyes of faith, 
A time for hope, a time for courage, 
Knowing You will lead me through. 
And I'll march with a heart courageous, after You.

Thank You, Lord for the reminder that You are always with me, no matter what the circumstance. Thank You for assuring and comforting me in the midst of my fear.

Let me march with a heart courageous, after You.

Decisions

Well... This is it. After the results of my second SPECT scan indicated that the narrowing of my arteries are very severe, my family and I decided to stick with Prof Sia Sheau Fung as my surgeon. My first surgery will be on the second Saturday of October (11th).

Now it's a race to tie up loose ends in Singapore. I have 3 weeks left but just so much to look into. I feel overwhelmed. Not to mention that this stress causes me to have even more headaches/migraines. Sometimes it's just so hard to drag myself out of bed because my mind has been going on overdrive and my body is just exhausted.

I'm touched by friends who try to check in on me... And I truly appreciate their prayers, But sometimes it's tough sorting through stuff alone. What can they do when they are not even in the same country as I am?

In these 3 weeks, I have to make a lot of major decisions. And it's tough. I feel unprepared, drained, and lost. Many times my first response is that I want to consider how others are affected by my decisions but sometimes I just feel so so tired. Why am I considering them when I suffer in return? I'm still in the "get going" phase that I haven't really had the time to process anything.

Having a mental block. Lord, I really need strength from You. I'm wearing very thin...

birthday reflection

As my watch ticks away bringing me closer to my 29th birthday, I thought it would be most appropriate to reflect on how the Lord has guided me through the past 28 years of life in the midst of this disease that i have. I do not believe in coincidences... but God being fully in control and orchestrating events in my life.

At the age of 15, I started experiencing migraines. At hindsight, I recall times when i felt dizzy, followed by slurring of speech and limb weakness. My family attributed it as low blood pressure. I was very active in sports, I did OK in my studies... My surgeon spoke of teenagers whose IQ deteriorate or would collapse while playing sports, only to find out that they had Moyamoya. That didn't happen to me.

During my college life, I began to feel more pain on a daily basis - ranging from body aches to migraines to tingling sensations. At this point, I was already labelled a "hypochondriac" by my family doctor because i had all these strange symptoms but tests would show i'm fine. It wasn't an easy time for me as my pain would be dismissed... However, i'm was blessed to have friends and a lecturer who took me seriously - taking me to see doctors, but of course... tests would again reveal that nothing was wrong with me.

The Lord had protected me through my 2 years of work after I graduated with my bachelor's degree. I had my pain but I was so used to it, it became part of my life that I had accepted.

It was when I was in the middle of my Masters program when my migraines occurred with such intensity that it was difficult to function. A coursemate suggested that I see a specialist at the hospital she was interning at. I did, and a brain scan was ordered. Next thing I knew - i was diagnosed with multifocal lacunar infarcts in 2011. I'd have to say that was THE most difficult time for me as I juggled my internship, my studies, and going for more tests to investigate my condition. With God's grace, I managed to graduate with a Master of Clinical Psychology. Deterioration of IQ, not quite so. But I noticed that my stamina to play sports for hours had dwindled a lot more. Unfortunately, even with the existence of this condition, "mind over matter" was the advice given to me to deal with the pain. Sometimes I felt judged too, that I couldn't control my pain better because i was a clinical psychologist. I guess sometimes people forget that clinical psychologists experience life and pain just like everyone else.

After graduation in 2012, I had turned down a job offer as I felt it wasn't for me... and that unemployment lasted several months until I was asked to work with a dear ex-lecturer, who later supported and encouraged me while i considered to move to Singapore in 2013 to work.

Strangely enough, I ended up doing something slightly different from what I was hired to do in Singapore - instead of conducting training, I was able to see patients in the inpatient and outpatient setting. Sometimes I do wonder if God's Hand was a part of this. A year later in early 2014, I had struggled with myself to extend my work contract as I wanted to return to Malaysia to serve my people. However, after much prayer, I decided to stay on for another year. At the same time, my migraines came back with a vengeance and off I went to the hospital in Singapore to get another MRI done in June 2014. This time... an even more serious condition was uncovered - I had Moyamoya Syndrome. As written in my previous post, this became like a de javu experience. 2 people had told me that it was a good thing that I had stayed on in Singapore, as I was then given this diagnosis...

At this time, my head of dept tells me that she knows a Malaysian lady who used to work at IMH as a Clinical Psychologist, she had also suffered from Moyamoya syndrome, which is a very RARE disease, and she could connect us both if I would like to speak to her. What were the odds of this happening? Coincidence? I truly do not believe so. Connecting with Winifred was what I needed and my Father in Heaven knew that. What is more, she had her surgery done just about the age that I am right now - she was 28 then. Knowing that someone really understood and empathized with my fears, my questions, my feelings, my thoughts... that comforted me.

Now, my struggle was to decide between seeking treatment in Singapore or Malaysia. The Singapore surgeon looked very promising but Malaysia seemed like a dead end as we did not know of any surgeons who could perform my surgery. Through networks, we were recommended a surgeon whom I have now decided to stick with - a surgeon who is careful, meticulous and patient-centered. The discussions with the insurance agent also bore fruit, and I realized that all my hospitalization and surgery expenses could be covered by my insurance! God had yet again provided for my needs, not lacking anything.

Reflecting on these events, all I can say is that my God is in control, He knows my needs and He provides with abundance! I'm a ticking time bomb to suffer a stroke but He has kept me safe throughout all these years. As my birthday approaches, I am learning to accept that I will be undergoing 2 major surgeries soon. I do not know if these surgeries would affect my functioning and that scares me. The fear of the unknown is one of my greatest fears. Yes, there are times when I cry and I am fearful of the upcoming surgeries but the Lord assures me through Christian songs, Bible verses and family/friends who have been so supportive. That being said, I am allowing myself space and time to grieve over my pain, the loss of opportunity to do things that I would love to experience - skydiving, bungee jumping, etc.

I remember tearing during one of the singing sessions of my church camp. Many times the songs that were chosen were hymns that I have been meditating upon. This is a hymn that I've sung again and again during my sunday school days. A very simple and classic song.. but upon singing the words, tears began to fall as I felt God was reminding me that He is with me all the way, and that from my weakest point, He will grant strength.

Jesus loves me—this I know,
For the Bible tells me so;
Little ones to Him belong—
They are weak, but He is strong.

Refrain
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me—He who died
Heaven’s gate to open wide;
He will wash away my sin,
Let His little child come in.

Jesus loves me—loves me still,
Though I’m very weak and ill;
From His shining throne on high
Comes to watch me where I lie.

Jesus loves me—He will stay
Close beside me all the way,
Then His little child will take
Up to Heaven for His dear sake

I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but I know who holds my hand...

pain post

As I was sorting out my belongings, I came across a folded paper - questions that I posed to myself this year when I was struggling with my intense migraines, before I was diagnosed with moyamoya. I will just transfer what I had written that time.

What happens when a person feels pain all the time?
How does it feel like NOT to experience any pain, just for ONE day?
Is the person able to be aware of his/her own "space"... "mortality"?... because you don't feel yourself in relation to your surroundings.
What needs to be done to remove this pain?
Is this the thorn in my flesh that I will never be able to remove till the day my body gives up?

As I look at this... It reminds me the depths of my desperation, wishing that my pain will be taken away. Praying for relief.

Maybe the Lord has given me the answer - by revealing to me that I have moyamoya through my 2014 MRI. I don't know if my pain will be entirely taken away after my surgeries but I can hope.

seems like a dejavu, but it isn't.

It didn't feel too long ago when I blogged about my first diagnosis in July 18, 2011. I received that diagnosis after doing an MRI because I suffered severe migraines that lasted for a month consecutively. I still remember sitting in the doctor's room in Selayang Hospital when the doctor told me I had "Multifocal Lacunar Infarcts".

"What?"

That was my response.

~Fastforward~
3 years later, on June 12, 2014, I find myself working IN a hospital - the Institute of Mental Health, Singapore, and with more frequent and intense migraines. I went to do another MRI, and that's when I received a phonecall the next day, while waiting to see a patient in the community setting.

"Did the neurologist back in 2011 tell you about any other diagnosis?"

"No" - was my answer.

"You have Moyamoya syndrome."

"What?"

Another neurological condition. But this time, a more severe one. One that required me to run back and forth the hospital at least once a week after that phonecall in June to run tests (blood tests, carotid ultrasound, angiogram, SPECT scan with diamox) and to see the stroke specialist and surgeon. One that will require brain surgery. Not just one, but two brain surgeries in order for me to hope for a life without seizures, cognitive decline, dementia, stroke or death.

It's been one of the most difficult trial of my life - having to juggle work, while going to the hospital to run further investigations, to finding more info about my disease and treatment, prognosis, surgery. To finding out how my personal insurance could cover me, how my workplace could cover me. To making decisions about where to do the surgery and to recuperate - in Malaysia or Singapore. Who will my surgeon be? Who do I trust to have the skills to work on my brain? I still have not decided. Many a time, I had nightmares. I had difficulty sleeping. I felt stretched. I still feel stretched. Sometimes the feeling of being overwhelmed never really leaves.

I coped by listening to hymns, to contemporary Christian music, reading the Bible. I realized I also coped by trying to take control of whatever I could, and things that didn't exactly go as planned made me break down in tears (something that wouldn't have bothered me in the past). I coped by making myself DO things, finding it difficult to wholly surrender my situation to God.

The dam broke on July 16th - in other words, I shed buckets of tears - the day the surgeon told me that I had a 1 in 3 chance to suffer a stroke within the next 6 months. I didn't cry immediately, but after a month of me holding back tears and filling my head with knowledge in regards to my disease, it had finally hit me hard that this was really happening. This is real. I had intermittent bouts of crying as I watched my parents leave for KL... As I arrived back home. Feeling so alone and afraid. Tears continued to stream down my face as I listened to hymns to comfort me.

I'm slowly accepting the reality of this overwhelming experience. To be honest, it's still daunting as my future is unknown. But what keeps coming back to me is Romans 8:28 - that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. This pain... has a purpose. Ironically, I had actually bought a book in 2012, which I had decided not to continue reading because I felt my earlier diagnosis wasn't severe enough for me to think it was such "bad news". I picked it up again after receiving my 2nd diagnosis. This particular sentence struck me - "God brings purpose to illness and injury, where otherwise there might be only tragedy. It may not be clear to you what good can come of an injury or illness when you first receive the doctor's bad news, but it is always clear to God. He will not waste your suffering. Some good will come from it."

Also, this trial has shown me how loved I am as messages of encouragement have been streaming in, prayers have been said, hymns and bible passages have been shared. Even in the midst of this terrible disease, I feel blessed.

Taking a step back... I see how God has put things into place for me as this trial began unfolding. But this would be another post. Till next time :)

Daily Bread - TOO HELPFUL?

Too Helpful? April 7, 2012 Our Daily Bread is hosted by Les Lamborn READ: 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me. —Psalm 139:23-24 Is it possible to be too helpful? Can our helpfulness actually make life more difficult for others? Yes, if we’re being bothersome, intrusive, smothering, manipulative, or controlling. If the help we are giving is driven only by our own anxiety, we may be just trying to help ourselves. How then can we know if our heart and acts of service are truly symbolic of God’s unconditional love? How can we love from pure motives? (Prov. 16:2; 21:2; 1 Cor. 4:5). In prayer we can ask God to show us any way we are hurting or hindering others (Ps. 139:23-24). We can ask God to help us show love that “suffers long and is kind; . . . is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil” (1 Cor. 13:4-5). Our efforts to help others, especially those we love the most, will never be completely free from anxiety. But we can, by God’s grace, begin to love freely with no strings attached, as God Himself loves. The test, of course, and the measure of our progress, is the way we react when our “helpfulness” is unrecognized or goes unrewarded (see Luke 14:12-14). Lord, help us to love with pure motives and for the good of others. Help us to love unconditionally, expecting nothing in return. —David Roper Please help me, Lord, in all I do To act and think with motives true; And by Your love reveal to me Those sins that only You can see. —D. De Haan In our desire to help, let’s love with pure motives.

disillusioned

sometimes i wonder... why do people criticize others so much... i know we're supposed to have our sights set on heaven.. but then, why do we sometimes turn around and do things that are similar to the world's standards?

when we try to stand up for what is right... we end up being called "naive" and "inexperienced". hmmm.. i'm not sure whether i want to be "experienced" in dealing with the world, where selfishness reign supreme.

"Let your yes be yes, and your no be no"

shouldn't we honor our words? even when circumstances may alter? does this mean that my promise before that is annulled because, "it isn't the same". but what had i promised? shouldn't i stick to that?

moreover, i hold dearly to "do unto others what you would have them do to you". would i want someone to turn their back on me? to break their promise? to give excuses that its a different scenario altogether? NO!

why do people take words so lightly? do they not know the power of words? we've all realized that "sticks and stones may break my bones but words would not hurt me" was coined by a person trying to console him/herself. there is hardly any truth in that saying. so why do we tear people down so easily, without a thought for the person we've directed hurtful words to. its always so much easier to break someone down than to encourage... to build up.

Its so difficult to be a Barnabas.. i guess, sometimes people don't see the need to.. thus, there is no effort put in doing so...