Open My Eyes, Lord...

Of late, I have been struggling a lot with my poor health. Some days I'm OK with it, some days it's harder to pull through...

I sought a second opinion today about my condition. Let's just say that it's been overwhelming. But today, I don't want to focus on that. Instead, I'd like to reflect on what I learned from a dear brother on Sunday morning.

Brother Peng Kit's sharing on Sunday provided me with much-needed encouragement as he expounded on 2 Kings 6. To summarize the context of this chapter, the King of Aram had surrounded the city where Elisha was in hopes of capturing him. Naturally, Elisha's servant was terrified that the enemy's army was ready to strike, exclaiming, "what shall we do?"

And this was Elisha's reply (reading from 2 Kings 6:16-17):

16 “Don’t be afraid,” the prophet answered. “Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.”

17 And Elisha prayed, “Open his eyes, Lord, so that he may see.” Then the Lord opened the servant’s eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

These few sentences touched me:
"Don't be afraid"
"Those who are with us are more than those who are with them"
"Open his eyes, Lord, so that he may see"

More often than not, my journey with Moyamoya feels like a really lonely one. Few people understand the pain and the struggle this disease brings. To some, like me, it's an invisible disorder. I look healthy from the outside, but my brain and functioning is in chaos.

Verses 16 and 17 was a gentle reminder that I do not need to fear as God is on my side and is in control of this battle. He is watching over me and his angels are surrounding me.

Brother Peng Kit called on us to pray for God to open our eyes that we can see what He is doing in our lives. Sometimes, we can't see His work or we are clueless to what His will is for us. Sometimes, I don't know what this personal struggle is for. I don't know what I am to learn from this. I need to earnestly pray that God will reveal to me what He is doing and to help me reject the devious lies of the devil that I am suffering alone.

As I was meditating upon these verses, a hymn that I love to sing came to me. Upon reading the lyrics of this hymn, I found it so appropriate for it to be my prayer to God - not only to open my eyes to see His work in me, but for my ears to be open to His Truths, my mouth to openly share about His love for me, and my mind to be open to His Word, so that I am walking the right path with Him and continue to be a good testimony for Him.

After going through youtube, I found this slow rendition of the hymn, and the girl sings it so beautifully. Unfortunately, she does not sing all 4 verses of the hymn. But I still love it.

Open My Eyes

Open my eyes that I may see
Glimpses of truth Thou hast for me;
Place in my hands the wonderful key
That shall unclasp and set me free. 

Chorus:

Silently now I wait for Thee,
Ready, my God, Thy will to see;
Open my eyes, illumine me,
    Spirit Divine!

Open my ears that I may hear
Voices of truth Thou sendest clear;
And while Your whispers fall on my ear,
Everything false will disappear.

Open my mouth and let me bear
Tidings of mercy everywhere;
Open my heart and let me prepare
Love with Thy children thus to share.

Open my mind that I may read
More of Thy love in word and deed;
What shall I fear while yet Thou dost lead?
Only for light from Thee I plead.

Open my eyes, Lord... Teach me to be ready to see Your Will...

Remembering 2015

I can't believe today is the last day of 2015. It's been a year of mixed feelings. An eventful year, and yet... I feel like I did not do much. Many times I had to sit back instead of joining joyous occasions because my health wouldn't permit me to participate.

As I attempt to quieten myself and be more aware of how I treated myself, I realize I'm rather unforgiving towards myself. I tend to hold high expectations of myself... And I'm slowly uncovering how this pattern came about. I can't wait to start my spiritual direction sessions.

One question that has been popping up in my head is "am I OK?"

To be honest. I don't know what is the answer to that question. I seem to have been going with the flow, at times feeling helpless. I've been exhausted. Even reflecting and pondering while writing this blog, mentally drains me and I feel I need a nap to recover from the exhaustion.

One thing I want to remind myself is that my journey is still unpredictable and uncertain, but I hope I will never forget that God is holding my hand and He is in control. Please Lord, I pray that You will continue to guide me and to comfort me when I'm discouraged. Your mercies are new every morning.

When words escape me

Today, I experienced a breakdown... After struggling for quite some time, and having held back frustration and anger, I was going to explode.

I'm feeling drained... Discouraged...

As I cried, this song came to my head.. It has become my prayer..

La La La

If a picture's worth a thousand words, what are they?
And since Your spirit intercedes for me
What do You hear when I pray?

'Cause I'm finding it hard to find the words
To let You know how my heart can hurt
So I'll sing a tune and let You fill in the words

La la la
La la la
La la la

It's comforting to know my words aren't all You hear
I can talk to You with laughter
And I can talk to You in tears

And I don't have to know just what to say
For You to hear me when I pray
So I'll sing a part and let you read my heart

La la la
La la la
La la la

'Cause I'm finding it hard to find the words
To let You know how my heart can hurt
So I'll sing a tune and let You fill in the words

La la la
La la la
La la la

A reminder from God

Going to church last Sunday was not easy as I was in a lot of pain... my head felt like exploding and my body ached. It was difficult to keep myself together then and I was wondering how I was going to last with such pain..

A brother in church shared one of my favorite hymns to sing to the Lord. and the words reminded me that God had created the world and is aware of every single thing that is happening. He had also orchestrated and carried out a plan to save us all from our sin. 

It was a reminder that God knows my pain, that God knows my troubles. Yes, I'm struggling.. I'm suffering... but He is still in control. I don't know what is going on... there are so many uncertainties... but the certainty that I can have is that God is in control and that He cares. 

HOW GREAT THOU ART

O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.

Refrain:
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

Refrain

When through the woods, and forest glades I wander,
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees.
When I look down, from lofty mountain grandeur
And see the brook, and feel the gentle breeze.

Refrain

And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.

Refrain

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"

 

confusion

I haven't been well the past month, with the terrible haze looming over KL, it's intensifying my health issues. This has made me feel a general weakness that seems pretty hard to shake off. 

Sometimes it feels like I'm slipping back into a low mood. Trying to persevere and allow myself to be in the present with my emotions. Not easy.

Another thing that has been bothering is how my mind is preoccupied with the past. Some friendships seem to puzzle me. Sometimes my weakness is that I care too much. How do I separate myself from people's emotions and their experiences? Tired of being taken advantage of but I can't seem to stop caring for people. 

Boy, I need help. 

A Birthday Wish

Well, it's official. I have turned 30. Friends of mine joke about how I'm aging. Sometimes it doesn't feel that way though.. not mentally at least.

However, a dear friend of mine, Katrina, commented that it took a lot for us to get here. And you know what, I totally agree with her. We managed to survive and get to the age of 30, even with all our health problems and struggles. It's an achievement, getting to where we are right now. It may not be much to some people, but it means a lot to us.

To be honest, I did have some concerns turning 30... it wasn't about the age factor, but I have a fear that I would suffer a major stroke at this age. I know it's no use worrying about it, and I don't have much thought about it. But once a while it surfaces... and then it goes away.

I think I have changed somewhat since my surgeries. But I guess it's also me just taking in my life experiences. Trying to take things one at a time. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful I survived both brain surgeries... but sometimes I'm exhausted. And I thank God that He gives me reminders from time to time not to pressure myself so much. That I should take things slowly. I admit it's not easy though. It is still something I need to be consciously aware of.

Of late, I've been retreating into my shell a lot more. Sometimes I feel detached from others. I find that I don't really have strong attachments with others. Sometimes I yearn for connection, but more often than not, I'm afraid that I'd be rejected, so I just withdraw. I guess this is just me at this time. I'm still trying to adapt to the changes in my life. And finding someone who understands my situation isn't easy. I notice that I may slip in and out of my low moods at times.. feeling helpless and isolated from others. Sometimes I feel better, and that I can move on.

My birthday wish as I turn 30, is that...
I will be more at peace. With God, myself and with my relationships.
I will not be so hard on myself, and to let my healing process take its course at its own timing.
I will be able to make sense of my life experiences and to support others who are feeling the way I do.
I will find rest and relief in God.
I will continue to trust that God is in control and will watch over me.

Psalms 121 is still my favorite Psalm and I'd like to share it again here. This Psalm is my birthday prayer for myself.

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

7 The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.

My Heart is Grieving...

My heart grieves as the US Supreme Court rules that gay marriages are legal nationwide.

I'm sad that the world has come to this. What pains me even more is that there are Christians who support this. What scares me are articles that are being churned, grossly misquoting or taking the Bible out of context in regards to how God views homosexuality... and these articles are read and accepting by young Christians who are taking these articles at face value.

The Bible had already spoken that this is the sinful nature that is in us, human beings.

Romans 1:18-27

18 The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of people, who suppress the truth by their wickedness, 19 since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. 20 For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.

21 For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22 Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools 23 and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like a mortal human being and birds and animals and reptiles.

24 Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25 They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.

26 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. 27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error. 

To be clear, the Bible does indicate that God is against homosexuality. I am referring to:
Leviticus 18:22 - "You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination".
Leviticus 20:13 - "If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death".
1 Corinthians 6:9-10 - "Or do you not know that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, shall inherit the kingdom of God".

Both Old and New Testament have spoken about the evils of homosexuality. Furthermore, God's initial design for marriage is for one man and one woman. Anything other than that deviates from His original plan.

I will admit that some Christians go overboard with hating such individuals. I look at Jesus for guidance in this respect. In John 8, from the story of Jesus and the woman caught in adultery... He did not throw the first stone. He did not publicly humiliate or condemn her. He still loved her, BUT the big difference is... neither did he condone her actions. Jesus forgave her, and his last words to her was, "go and sin no more".

As Christians, I don't think we are called to be extreme - from either just hating or totally accepting. It isn't about hating the individual who is homosexual but to detest the ACT of homosexuality. As they say, love the sinner but hate the sin. Jesus didn't hate the woman who was an adulterer. But he didn't want her to continue on her sinful ways. I think this is how we are to behave as well.

To be honest, I would normally just keep quiet about these issues due to my personality as a people-pleaser and I don't like to offend people. However, it was my recent personal Bible study on the book of Daniel that woke me up.

Based on what I've learned on chapters 1 and 3, many a time we may not be called to renounce our faith... but opportunities to just follow the crowd is very real, and in this case, eating food offered to idols and bowing down to worship a statue. In this present day and keeping to my topic, it's going with the flow of the masses saying that homosexuality is OK. What struck me is Daniel 1:8, "But Daniel resolved not to defile himself...". That is making a stand even when it is an unpopular view, or even a view that could get himself killed for it.

As Christians, are we making a stand for what we believe in? Are we going to keep silent and agree that homosexuality is not a sin when the Bible clearly states otherwise? I came across a quote which said that we are all so careful about offending people, except God. And I feel that is so true even for me. I've been so careful not to hurt people's feelings so I may not speak up at times... but does that please my Father in Heaven?

Sometimes I wonder, what can i do? Definitely I will not go out to the streets and burn people alive for their orientation, because then I would be no better. But what can I do as a Christian who wants to love as Christ has loved us? How can I better rebuke and restore, but rebuke and restore with love?

Something for me to think about.