a-ha moment

So... life has been pretty interesting. Confusing for sure, but it's definitely not been boring - also maybe due to my reflective/ruminating nature.

Looking back at my journals... how I have been struggling to let go of my old self and my old capabilities. To be exact, having to wrestle with letting go of what I felt was my identity as a clinical psychologist by leaving prospects of my talk therapy aside. It was a huge internal battle. But I realize as time passes and I'm learning more about who I am post-surgeries... I sense some acceptance in who I am right now. It's not full acceptance, but i'm liking myself abit more now and being ok with this person that emerged.

Weird thing is, it seems that therapy opportunities then start popping up. And i'm puzzled. What message is God trying to send me? Sometimes I haven't a clue to what His plans are. Naturally, I got upset - i struggled learning to let go and when I started doing so, then it seems like there are signs I shouldn't be giving it up?

HELP!

I think I received some answers last Sunday when I was sharing this predicament with a close friend and mentor. He said my experience seems similar to Abraham - Isaac. Abraham cherished Isaac, and God tested Abraham if he was willing to sacrifice Isaac. To let him go. Long story short, Abraham did trust the Lord and surrendered his beloved son to God and Isaac was "returned" to him.

I never saw this applicable to me until Sunday. My identity post-surgery has always been something I really liked and cherished. Sure, I had my insecurities back then but all in all, I liked who I was and post surgery, i felt like i had to prove i was the same person as before. My focus was on my own identity, something I worked hard to craft and shape. I was angry and upset that my identity felt taken away. But as I continued to process my grief and my fear of the unknown, I was slowly allowing myself to rediscover who I was and to let go of who I used to be. Believe me, I know I still have one hand clinging to my old self but my grip is loosening, I think... I hope.

My mentor and friend said that maybe God is giving my identity back, now that I am more rooted in Him instead of just being self-sufficient and controlling over my own life. This is something I really do need to pray about. I don't know what is going on still... but I pray that God will continue to work within me.

This was my a-ha moment. The parallel's of Abraham-Isaac and me-therapist identity.      

anticipated but not accepted

Ever had that experience when you are anticipating that things will change, but you didn't expect the change to be so drastic... and it becomes hard to accept these changes?

i'm not just talking about my health. I realize quite a few relationships I've had has changed. I feel distant to some people that I used to be close to. What happened? I used to put a lot of blame on myself that I didn't work hard to initiate conversations/meeting (which to be honest, isn't really true). But of late, i'm beginning to see that relationships goes both ways. I can't be the only one working to maintain the friendship. If I'm the one who is "responsible" to keep the friendship afloat, what is the other person doing? what is the other person's role? just take and that's it?

i've got enough on my plate these days. I'm just tired. maybe I should just focus on relationships that encourage me as I do them, then me just giving my all and not getting anything in return.

changes are hard... its tough to accept them.. but I really got to try moving on.

bridging the old and new

I think I've experienced a breakthrough in different aspects of my life. One is my struggle in clinging on to my old identity to learning to be ok with who I am now. Another is rediscovering my child-like faith and trust in God, and rebuilding my relationship with Him - seeing Him as my Loving and Gracious Father and me, His vulnerable daughter... instead of a Master-Servant relationship.

I feel free-er than I have been for some time. More at peace. It's funny how God works... Him reminding me of one of my favorite childhood Christian songs. so simple and yet so powerful.

I WILL LIE DOWN AND SLEEP (Psalm 4:8)

I will lie down and sleep

And sleep in peace

I will lie down and sleep in peace 

For You, O Lord, make me dwell in safety

I will lie down and sleep in peace

I've never really paid attention to what Steve Greene said as a kid.. but now, hearing what he says... brings tears to my eyes. It feels as though he is talking straight to me and assuring me of God's love to me.

My spiritual director spoke about the circumcision of the heart - setting myself apart to worship and love Him.

The parable of the mustard seed has been on my mind of late too.. I realize the do-er side of me has always been trying to prove my worth. The more I did made me feel more valuable. These past two years have been difficult because I can't do what I used to... but the mustard seed parable reminds me that even if I have something insignificant/small to offer, it can grow to something huge. I just need to offer it to the Lord and nurture it.

The image that comes to my mind, is me being lost in a jungle, with God being huge and looming above me looking down.. but I haven't been able to find Him though I know He is there. And He has been pushing trees apart for me to look up and gaze upon Him. I hope this mental picture stays.

But thank You, Father. I really needed your assurance..

adding to the list

Sometimes I wish I would get a break. Recently, I realize how weak I feel. It sucks. From being someone who has been rather physically strong. Noticing that my strength is weakening is definitely very humbling.

Anyway, my GP just added another diagnosis to my cocktail of illnesses. Osteochondritis. The doctor said it is an inflammation of the muscle. But i've looked it up in the web and it talks about necrosis of the cartilage lining. Something to do with lack of blood supply... and i wonder if this is related to my Moyamoya.

Sigh. Just give me a day free of pain. That's all I ask. I'm so drained.

Emotions... lots of them

I've been feeling rather emotional - envy, sadness, frustration, insecurity, helplessness... And it's due to many reasons. Yeah, a lot of negative vibe around me right now. I'm aware why I'm feeling them and what's contributing to them... but I'm ashamed to admit it. Sometimes I feel like my depression is setting back in again. Sometimes... I wonder why I even bother. Why do I feel so much? It sucks. I feel trapped in my wave of emotions, that seems to be attacking me and weighing me down.

Sometimes I ask myself why I try so hard? Why do I set certain standards? Are they really too idealistic? Life feels so unfair. I've really tried really hard. Maybe it's because I'm indirect? I don't know. I'm feeling so drained, lost and alone. I know with me feeling depressed, my perceptions are tainted (hopefully). I just wish I could get out of this. It feels so debilitating.

I feel like I'm spiraling down to depths of despair. I cry so easily... but only behind closed doors. Sometimes when talking to people, it takes a lot for me to hold back tears. The person who has witnessed most of my crying now is my spiritual director. Lord, please help me...

sigh.

discouraged

In a blink of an eye, it's already March 2017... and I've yet to go back to work. Things I'm interested to do... and yet, doors seem to be closing. Are they even ajar? I don't know. It was tough making a decision to take a sabbatical, but it was much needed for my recovery.

Now that I'm thinking of going back to work, I'm drowning with mixed feelings - the drive to prove to myself that I can still be productive and work albeit part-time, but on the other hand I'm feeling nervous and afraid that I can't do it.  Also it doesn't help that I notice that people treat me differently, knowing that I have my disease. My condition will always create a barrier for me to work. It sucks to realize that there may be people who would not consider me to help with projects anymore since my surgeries... or that I'm sidelined because of my illness.

It really sucks... This is still something I've not learned to accept. It's a difficult road for me to take. I tear whenever I think of my current situation, my predicament of wanting to prove that I still have got what it takes, that I'm still capable... and yet, I have this overwhelming fear that I've lost my abilities. I can't even function a day without taking a long nap. And this is with me not even working.

I told my spiritual director (SD) that it feels like my self esteem has been chipping away slowly. I can see she feels for me. What is the lesson behind this, Lord? What am I supposed to learn? Have you been trying to teach me to be more reliant and dependent on You? From someone who was so strong, I have been brought to my knees... I realize even the seemingly simple things that I didn't need to think of much in the past, I have to think through carefully with much prayer.

It's hard for me to turn down work now, but sometimes I feel I need to because of my concern that I can't cope. I just wish God would take away my symptoms. I'm happy for those who had undergone surgery and are now fully functioning... why couldn't that be me?

My SD asked me if I felt that even in my limited being right now... is it enough for God? My head tells me yes. I know He loves unconditionally... but it's really hard to feel like a handicap, but not like like one. I'm jealous of opportunities that pass me by... opportunities that could have fallen to me if not for my condition. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for the people who get these opportunities, but I just wish I stood a chance to have them too.

I came across this article , "Lord, Prepare Me to End Well" which talks about me decreasing in order for Christ to increase and was in the case of John the Baptist. Is this what God is trying to teach me? That I need to reduce the reliance on myself so that I can focus more on Christ? Reading this article.. it touches on Ecclesiastes... and a "time to lose". It really feels as though I'm at that stage right now. So much of me has been lost. I think sometimes I don't know who I am anymore. What's my identity? So much has changed.

I read this paragraph and my eyes were glued to it. Maybe this is the prayer I need to pray...
"Whatever it takes, Lord, increase my love for your supremacy and my trust in your wise purposes so that, when it’s time for me to step out of something to which you had appointed me for a season, I will receive the decrease in personal influence with joyful faith"

It feels really lonely sometimes... I wish people understood how hard it is for me to struggle with this daily. Please help me, Lord. I really don't know what to do. I can only cry out to You for comfort, peace and guidance.

Sigh...

Looking forward to 2017

Yet another year whizzes past. It's the year 2017.

I spent the New Year sleeping most of it off due to my migraines. You know, you would think that with me having to take frequent breaks and sleeping when its too hard to function during my migraines, that I'd be used to it by now. Somehow, it still bugs me.

However, I can't seem to shake off the thought that maybe that's exactly what God is trying to teach me - that I need to take time to rest. To take time for myself. Being vulnerable and feeling weak is always difficult.

As this new year starts... well its already 4 days into the new year. And I'm trying to explore my choices in terms of work, I just pray that I will learn to have patience. Patience with myself, patient with my new pace, slow as it may seem.

So many challenges ahead really. But I think one thing that I've been meditating about is that I would continue to have hope. I pray that I will also continue to have faith that the Lord is in control, and that I will still love Him no matter what happens. May the Joy of the Lord always be my strength. I know I can be quite an anxious person as well... anxious about others more often sometimes.. so I pray that the Peace that passeth all understanding will envelope me.

Love. Joy. Faith. Love. Peace.

GCC 2016's camp theme song seems to be very apt as I look into living another year. Here is to the experiences of 2017. May the Lord be with me always.

There is A Hope

There is a hope that burns within my heart,

That gives me strength for every passing day;

A glimpse of glory now revealed in meagre part,

Yet drives all doubt away:

I stand in Christ, with sins forgiven;

And Christ in me, the hope of heaven!

My highest calling and my deepest joy,

To make His will my home.

There is a hope that lifts my weary head,

A consolation strong against despair,

That when the world has plunged me in its deepest pit,

I find the Saviour there!

Through present sufferings, future's fear,

He whispers 'courage' in my ear.

For I am safe in everlasting arms,

And they will lead me home.

There is a hope that stands the test of time,

That lifts my eyes beyond the beckoning grave,

To see the matchless beauty of a day divine

When I behold His face!

When sufferings cease and sorrows die,

And every longing satisfied.

Then joy unspeakable will flood my soul,

For I am truly home