guard my heart, Lord

Dear Lord,

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be renewed in Bario. I thank You that I had done my MRI before leaving for Sarawak. It gave me time to process what may come next in my future. Lord, I thank You for granting me new-found friends who are so affirming and encouraging, who gave me space to grieve.

Lord, I want to pray about the people I come into contact with. There are times when I feel so discouraged by the people who are supposed to serve alongside me, but have conveniently dropped their responsibilities for their own interests. It pains me, Lord, to see people complain and yet to contribute to the issues we face.

I know I do not have the strength to carry this burden on my own. I am reminded how You invite me to come to You when I am weary and heavy-laden. Please give me the wisdom to handle these conflicts. May I do what pleases You and yet be reminded always that You love me because I am Your creation, not because of what I can do for You.. Lord, I thank You for reminding me that You are a Good and Gracious King.

Good and Gracious King

I approach the throne of glory

Nothing in my hands I bring

But the promise of acceptance

From a good and gracious King

I will give to You my burden

As You give to me Your strength

Come and fill me with Your Spirit

As I sing to You this praise

You deserve the greater glory

Overcome, I lift my voice

To the King in need of nothing

Empty handed I rejoice

You deserve the greater glory

Overcome with joy I sing

By Your love I am accepted

You’re a good and gracious King

O what grace that You would see me

As Your child and as Your friend

Safe, secure in You forever

I pour out my praise again

Holy, holy, Lord Almighty

Good and gracious

Good and gracious

Holy, holy, Lord Almighty

Good and gracious King

Two boxes

I have in my hands two boxes,
Which God gave me to hold.
He said, 'Put all your sorrows in the black box,
And all your joys in the gold.'
I heeded His words, and in the two boxes,
Both my joys and sorrows I stored,
But though the gold became heavier each day,
The black was as light as before.

With curiosity, I opened the black,
I wanted to find out why,
And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole,
Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused,
'I wonder where my sorrows could be! '
He smiled a gentle smile and said,
'My child, they're all here with me..'

I asked God, why He gave me the boxes,
Why the gold and the black with the hole?
'My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
The black is for you to let go.' 

Arielle Perkins

time to break the cycle

Again... the pattern goes another circle. another cut off.

Was I angry and upset when I had my suspicions? Yes... Did my heart break when my suspicions were confirmed? Yes. Do I grieve from time to time? Yes too... But what I realized was different this round was that I was able to pull myself out of the trap that I am an unlovable person who needs to push myself harder and make more sacrifices just to make people happy. I am disappointed that things have turned out this way, but all I can do now is to wish this person well and to pray that God will protect and guide this person to live more meaningfully.

I know sometimes the memories jerk me into sadness... but a recent conversation with a new-found friend affirmed how much I really do care for people, and how there are people who recognize and appreciate me for who I am. And for that, I am really grateful.

I am actually really thankful that I have been delving deeper into the Acceptance Commitment Therapy model. It has seriously helped me reflect and grow as a person. Life is far from perfect, I am weary most of these days due to the expectations placed on me... but I feel a sense of freedom of choice - from my discussions in my spiritual direction and even through ACT... as i learn to figure out my options that could lead me to living according to my values and Christ-likeness... it has helped me focus on what's important to me. There are so many distractions in life - pain and suffering, tiredness.. but being able to focus on what steps I could take really is very refreshing.

self awareness

The past few weeks, I've been trying to figure out if people hear themselves talk... or if they have any self awareness. It feels like I am facing quite a few people who have very "good" things to say, the "right" things to say... but they don't actually practice what they preach. 

It's been tough making a stand... sometimes I just want to give up and let things die because I'm so tired and discouraged... Am I doing what I do out of my unfreedom? my sense of duty? I'm trying to figure things out for myself too and be aware of my own motives when I do or am involved in certain things. 

My spiritual director told me to take a few days off for me to reprioritize what is important to me, and what I feel strongly about... but at the same time, do I feel free to make certain decisions, or are my decisions/choices driven by my sense of responsibility. She cautioned me (which i believe is true) that I will resent certain aspects if I am forced to make a decision.

Lord, help me. Sometimes instead of constantly playing the encourager role, I wish there were individuals who would encourage me too...

toxic relationships

sometimes I wonder why I seem to get sucked into toxic relationships both in family and friendships. It seems so easy for me to be made the scapegoat and target. It' so emotionally draining.

I am in desperate need for guidance... sometimes I just want to yell and tell people to wake up... but it's hard with my non-confrontational nature. And i always fear losing control... I pray really hard for guidance from God.. sometimes it's so hard to forgive.. so hard to walk in Christ's shoes..

In my desperation, i googled this...
http://www.sun-gazing.com/6-things-can-dealing-family-members-toxic/

I don't know.. I wish I know what to do that would be pleasing to God. sigh.

reflections of 2017

It's been a tough ride for 2017 as I discover the plans God has for me with this "new body". What I've learnt throughout this tumultuous journey is that God has always been with me through thick and thin and He has been slowly opening my eyes to His Will for me, and most importantly, opening my heart to deepen my relationship with Him.

I'm really thankful for the different people whom He has set in place to encourage me and to enlighten me during my times of confusion and grief. One of the biggest questions that I wrestled with God was, "why did He give me a heart to serve but not the body to go with it". It was a struggle for me because in my mind I expected God to give me the ideal body/health for me to be able to serve Him "effectively". But as I continued to grapple with this dilemma as the year progressed, I realized that this current broken body is the BEST body to serve Him in because I am better able to comfort and reach out to others who are suffering/hurting. Yes, God did give me the heart to serve... and He did give me the body to go with it... just not the body I expected it to be.

Another BIG lesson that I've learnt this year is to just be present and to BE. Being a do-er, it's been really tough to just slow down and take a step back. But time and time again, I have been reminded to "sit at Jesus' feet" and to get to know Him better. I admit that I have a lot of head knowledge about God but it's truly been a time for me this year to experience and deepen my relationship with Him from the heart.

This song, "Breathe" by Jonny Diaz has been a God-given gift to me this year.
"Just breathe... come and rest at my feet... and BE..."
"Let your weary spirit rest..."
"Lay down what's good and find what's BEST..."

I've been hanging on to my previous identity and refusing to see what God had install for me, because I was already comfortable with my then identity, thinking it was already good. Maybe this broken body that experiences pain and disease is best when we look at the big picture of things. If not for my disease, I will not be able to empathize with people who have chronic illness.

Truly I understand now what Paul meant when he spoke about the thorn in his flesh.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 ~ "three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 

Only when I acknowledge my weakness and my dependence on God, He is able to strengthen me with His Power and for me to see His deep love for me manifested. Although life is not going to be easy, but I am rest assured that He knows best and will guide me through life's ups and downs.

Year 2018, here I come! I don't know what life has in store for me but I know whom I am journeying with :)

quiet growth

It's nearing the end of the year 2017. I remember coming into the year with a lot of anxiety and uncertainty about who I am as a person. I felt lost, having to rediscover my identity post-surgeries. I cried buckets and I wrestled HARD with God. Being a do-er, one of the things I struggled with A LOT was not being able to do what I used to do. What I saw were the limitations my health condition had forced itself on me. And I really disliked who this new "person" was. I felt I was weak, useless... and needless to say, my self-esteem took a huge blow.

Throughout this time, I felt like I was stuck and that I was at a stagnant point in my life. I wasn't going anywhere. I could barely do anything without feeling the drain my body had to put up with. I had no clue what life was in store for me. It was as though I was at the sidelines watching people progress in their own lives while I struggled with just functioning on a daily basis. One of the challenges I felt God placed in my way was to learn to BE - being present, appreciating being in His presence and also drawing close to Him, trusting on His Love and faithfulness to me. That didn't sit well with me because I've come to realize that my sense of worth was tied to things I could do, to prove my value/worth.

 But the Lord HAS been faithful and has been enveloping me in His Love and assurances that He understands my struggle. One of the biggest changes that has happened is the way I viewed my Father in Heaven. I've always pictured God to be just a disciplinarian -someone who would punish me if I didn't live up to expectations. But my spiritual director has been helping me process my experience with God and I realize Abba Father is a God of Mercy and Grace who loves me unconditionally. He doesn't love me more because of what I can do... but for who I am.

As I began to unravel this... I became aware of how hard I am on myself. This helped me to process who I'd like to be now too and it gave me the freedom to approach God in my most vulnerable state and know that He still loves me. This journey has helped me learn to accept my limitations and be ok with them as I surrender them to God to help me work through them.

I realize that as I began to let go of my need of control over my life, God began to open more doors for me to explore. I notice the way I perceive things are different now as I no longer feel like I have something to prove but what I do comes from my passion to serve the God I really love. Recently, someone told me that I have become more confident, which came to me as a surprise - bearing in mind that I struggled with my self-esteem earlier on. That person also noted that it was apparent that I've processed through many things that I struggled with and I am more comfortable with myself now.  And it hit me that what was said is true. I do feel more authentic as a person. I no longer feel the need to constantly portray a strong side of myself. I can now be more honest and open with my struggles. I'm learning to be more focused and to draw better boundaries with myself and others so I won't do things out of obligation and duty, but out of love.

When did this progress happen? It definitely wasn't a sudden transformation. And I can't actually pinpoint when it happened exactly but as I look back on my journey this year... I do see the small changes that have occurred which continued to help me to be who I am now. Is there still a lot of personal work to be done? No doubt. I know I am far from perfect and I know that there are things that I will still struggle with. But I am very thankful knowing God will never give up on me. In the uncertainties in life, I can be rest assured that God will always guide me and help me through the challenges I will face. Truly, knowing this... how can I not love Him more and more, and want to serve Him for His Glory? Thank You, Abba Father for Your undying love.