God's Timing Part 1

It is only April 2021 but much has happened within the last few months. I'm breaking this reflection into two parts for me to be able to process and appreciate them more fully.

Safe Haven

This was a vision I had a decade ago - to set up an initiative spearheaded by a team of different professionals to provide holistic services to our marginalized communities. Just last year, it was my request to God that He would allow this to happen before He takes me Home. And soon after, things just started to fall into place. Seeing how Safe Haven came to be is a miracle as I observe Him at work, providing what my team needs, and directing me to people who will make this work. I've been blessed to have friends who are like-minded and are motivated to serve. I've often reflected on why it took 10 years for this initiative to materialize and the biggest factor that kept coming up was the perfection of God's Timing. I needed to be prepared beforehand before taking this on. Honestly, if I had forced my way years ago, this initiative would very much be led by my own strength and it would be a boost to my own pride, instead of it being God's work. Also, these years were needed for my team to develop and prepare themselves to be who they are now. Things now fell into place when they needed to be. Interactions occured and help came even at times when I did not realize I needed them. But God knew and provided. My challenge is to be sensitive to His nudging and direction, to trust His leading and to take action when I sensed His urging. 

Trials and Opportunities

 I entered the year experiencing alot of physical discomfort and pain. But me being me (later I realized that there was a general consensus between my friends and even my surgeon that I am a workaholic and with a very high pain threshold), I dismissed the severity of this issue. At the end, I discovered that my neck was degenerating and after several weeks, the plan was to undergo a surgery to resolve this pain. Remember how I am a workaholic with a high pain threshold? I also had a lot of responsibilities that I had to shoulder during my recuperation period which caused SEVERE pain. I ended up rushing to the emergency room, and later found out that I had torn a few muscles. And that resulted in a week's stay in the hospital for my surgeon and anesthetist to monitor my condition.

On the day that I was rushed to the hospital, I was supposed to have a video call with a headhunter for a job that very much attracted my attention. That position felt like one specifically fashioned for me. I was really excited at this prospect but what weighed heavily was my concern and fear - whether I could really do this work due to my unending list of chronic illnesses. 

The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. This thought kept flashing in my mind as I considered this opportunity. And then, the unexpected happened - I was hospitalized. Again. The irony was this hospitalization was even longer than my hospitalizations for my brain surgeries.

  

This was my view when I sat in the chair next to my hospital bed and it was pretty much my only exposure to the world outside for the week that I was admitted. As I looked through the window, I noticed vehicles driving past and people were walking to their respective destinations. Looking further, there were luscious greens and trees, and as a person who loves nature, it was something I yearned to immerse myself in. But this magnificent sight was also being obstructed by this massive window pane. 

And it hit me. This felt like a reflection of my life's horizon. Things were in motion and the world was passing by as per normal, but acutely, I felt stuck in the same place. The luscious green nature that I wanted to engage with was not within reach and even my view of it was blocked. I felt trapped by these obstacles. It was so painful and confusing - the hospital was a place designed to allow me to rest and recuperate, but it also reminded me of my physical limitations and hindered me from moving forward. 

A day prior, I was feeling overwhelmed as I was getting messages from my family who still expected me to manage the responsibilities of home and my siblings weren't very helpful in taking over. A person I work with also attempted to engage in work-related conversations and it filled me with anger and frustration due to the insensitivity to my need to recuperate. I was also bogged down with guilt as I observed Safe Haven becoming stagnant due to my inactivity - this was my greatest fear I had anticipated and had tried to resolve by attempting to build up a core team. Unfortunately, my hospitalizations occured before this could be finalized.  

With this, I broke down. My mind was flooded with questions and thoughts directed to God. 

Father, You seem to have placed opportunities my way... but I don't understand what Your current plan is for me, Lord.
How much longer do I need to bear with this painful trial?
What am I to learn from this?
What am I to do? How do I resolve this?
I am so tired, Lord. 
As a person living with chronic illnesses and a deteriorating body, the grief never ends. 

I found myself glued to this last thought. No matter how much I've accepted my journey with illness... I realize the grieving will continue as my body deteriorates further. And the sense of urgency to do more intensified. So did my depression and helplessness. 

Yet again, God's Timing was perfect as He sent a friend and colleague to be present with me while I mourned... and this provided me much comfort. This particular friend was also having her own recent health struggles and we could both relate and empathize with each other. Truly, God sent the person who had experienced the sense of loneliness a health struggle brings. Through her, God provided that safe space I needed to voice my pain and His Word was also shared to encourage me, which I will elaborate on in the 2nd part of my reflection. Later that same night, another friend share with me a song that spoke deeply to me. It is called "Even If" by MercyMe.

Even If

They say sometimes you win some

Sometimes you lose some

And right now, right now I'm losing bad

I've stood on this stage night after night

Reminding the broken it'll be alright

But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing

When there's nothing to bring me down

But what will I say

When I'm held to the flame

Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith

To move a mountain

Well good thing

A little faith is all I have, right now

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmovable

Oh give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

'Cause I know You're able

I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Honestly, I may not have alot of questions answered but what I do have is also the knowledge and experience that God has always been faithful and has pulled me through my darkest moments. God didn't promise us a bed of roses, instead He did say that we will endure hardships and pain. But I do not have to endure it alone. He will equip me and provide me the comfort and help I need to overcome them, according to His timing. Even if He chooses to remain silent at that moment, He is still the Rock I can cling to because He is the Almighty Father who knows me best.

And that gives me comfort. 

 My Journey of 2020

To say that the year 2020 has been challenging would be an understatement. I’ve felt stretched, pushed, battered and burdened. I experienced anxiety, depression, burnout, and grief. Some significant events that pop into my mind - my mom had a fall that rendered her bed-bound for more than a month and I was the sole caregiver because my sisters were all overseas, I was hospitalized for 5 days due to a lung infection, I worried about finances, I fell back into depression for a period of time, I unfortunately gained back the weight I lost even though I am still sick, I wrestled with yet another diagnosis and grieved over an anticipatory loss of a bodily function… and yet, I also experienced God’s love and witnessed His faithful providence in the midst of these struggles. Whenever I came before the Lord, broken and bruised, He assured me of His Love; that He would never abandon me in my pain, and His grace will always be sufficient for me.

In the chaos of a global pandemic, God has kept my family and I safe from the virus so far.
When my mom was bedbound, church members and college friends banded together to come up with meal plans so that the burden of cooking could be relieved from me. I had people reach out to provide me the support I needed while I juggled between managing the house, tending to my parents and also working from home.

While I worried about my ability to pay for my numerous medical treatments, God reminded me that I do not need to be anxious about tomorrow because He is in control and He will provide for me. And that came in the form of friends who have so generously offered to contribute money if I so need it, and I managed to retain a job even when the economy was bad due to the pandemic. 

While I struggled with my health and realized that my body will continue to deteriorate, God reminded me that this earthly damage is inevitable but I have a beautiful hope in Him, and one day this body will be replaced with a perfect, eternal body when I return Home. While this life is difficult, it will one day pass away and I have much to look forward to and He is my foundation that I can stand firm in, regardless of my current circumstances.

 He has also shown me that even in my depths of grief and sadness, I can be a vessel of compassion and comfort to others because I have experienced and endured much pain. While this process has thrown me way out of my comfort zone, it has also shaped me to be a more genuine person, and has taught me to trust God and not depend on my own strength. I have learnt that I do not need to appear strong in order to serve or help others, but being real and authentic means so much more. I have also learnt that many a time, I just need to be present for others in their moments of fear and anxiety, instead of jumping straight into my doer/fixer self.

 I was given a very special gift from God this year when I was able to participate in a medical study that if proven, could help people receive early intervention before a major stroke occurs. I had lamented before that I would never be a blood donor due to my Moyamoya disease, but it was because I was a Moyamoya patient that I was selected to be part of this study.  

 Another loss I had experienced in the recent years was that I would never be able to adopt a child as I am chronically ill and hence will not be able to support the child. But I was reminded this year that I have actually developed many dear friendships over time, and many are of varying ages and yet we are able to bless and encourage one another in our life journey. It made me realize that I am still able to care for others even if it isn’t in the shape of an adopted child, but rather much like having younger siblings.

 While I had withdrawn myself from socializing at a point when my depression was setting in again, God renewed and deepened other relationships – our conversations and support for one another have been meaningful, personal and encouraging. I also found joy and meaning in connecting with my students while we had to learn to adapt to online classes.

 This year felt stagnant and to be honest, I was initially in denial that the year 2020 was coming to an end as I was wondering what I had done this year. It felt as though the year whizzed past and I was not really a part of it. But now that I am reflecting, many things have happened and I’ve learnt a lot. While the uncertainty of a new year is still true, in the recent months, God has reignited a dream that I’ve shelved since my surgeries and friends who share this dream have also shared in my joy and excitement to plan for this dream to come true.

As the clock continues to tick towards midnight that will indicate a new year, I find myself listening to this song on loop – The Malaysia Blessing, while I reflect on how the year 2020 has been. This song truly encourages me as it reminds me of God’s Love for me. The fact that it is sung in the many different languages of my beautiful Malaysia drives home for me that every tongue will confess that Christ is Lord. I teared and had goosebumps as I listened and sang along. I am so touched by the promises of God stated in this song that He will always be there for me. And this song’s message will continue to ring true that The Lord is for me and that He will bless me and keep me, and be gracious to me and He will give me peace even in the midst of trials and tribulations. As I usher in the new year, the Lord is with me and will continue to journey with me through my highs and lows. With His assurances in mind, I step forward to the new year with hope and anticipation. Thank you, Father. J


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9vJw3tZ7E0

Verse:
The Lord bless you and keep you
Make his face shine upon you 
And be gracious to you
The Lord turn His face toward you
And give you peace

Barakatan (Be blessed) - Dusun
Lalu ngintu (and protected) - Iban
使祂的脸光照你 (The Lord make His face shine upon you) - Mandarin
也赐恩给你 (and be gracious to you) - Mandarin
Karthar unakku samathanam (The Lord give you peace) - Tamil
Mare senang (Give you peace) - Kelabit

Chorus:
Amen, Amen, Amen

Tuhan s’lalu berkati 
Wajah-Nya menyinari mu
Dengan kasih kurnia
Memandang mu,
Tuhan beri
Kedamaian

Bridge:
May His favor be upon you
And a thousand generations
And your family and your children
And their children, and their children

May His presence go before you
And behind you, and beside you
All around you, and within you
He is with you, He is with you

In the morning, in the evening
In your coming, and your going
In your weeping, and rejoicing
He is for you, He is for you

Rahmat Tuhan bersama mu
Tuk seribu generasi
Keluarga, anak kamu
Cucu cicit, anak m'reka

Ke hadapan bersama mu
Belakang mu, sebelah mu
Sekeliling dan dalaman
Tuhan ada dengan kamu

Waktu siang, waktu petang
Waktu pergi, waktu datang
Susah hati, senang hati
Dia ada untuk kamu, Dia ada untuk kamu

annoyance

Matthew 6:2 - So when you give to the needy, do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be praised by men. Truly I tell you, they already have their full reward.

i don't understand why men (i know i'm generalizing, but i tend to see this pattern more often than not) tend to make such a big fuss over the LITTLE they do. it's as though the little asked of them is a huge sacrifice of their life. I see this happen alot with my dad. He expects to be served. and when he does do a little bit for someone else, it needs to be publicized like he should receive the nobel prize or something. 

my dad's personality and behaviours truly irk me. I help around the house not making a scene about what i do at all. and he takes it as me not having done a thing. because i didn't announce it to the world. it's just stupid and idiotic and shallow

i'm just so pissed at idiocy and fakeness. 

hypocrisy

I am feeling weary and disappointed. Seeing a father who is supposedly the elder of a church be hypocritical (all my life), is a disappointment. To actually realize our interactions throughout my life has been rather emotionally abusive, is also disappointing. I think for all my years, I've been in denial, not expecting that a father who supposedly preaches God's Love and service does the exact opposite at home, but puts on a facade for others. A hypocrite, that's what it is. 

It makes me wonder how I am supposed to honor or obey this particular parent. But the Bible states that obedience needs to be in obedience in the Lord. and right now, whatever is happening is not Christ-like. Insults being hurled at me is not at all what the Father in Heaven would do. Ironically Screaming and shouting, stating I am rude, is not godly. Saying I should just keep doing everything by myself and kill myself doing it, while he just sits and idles, is not what a Christian should act.

I realize that I have rejected the very being of my dad. So much so, that it has shaped me as a different person (except for my stubbornness). My dad is egotistical, self-serving and entitled. He isn't present when others are trying to have conversations with others. He feels it is beneath him to learn from others. like wow.

anyway, i am just processing my thoughts here.. 

How Can I Keep From Singing

It' been a year since I posted anything. A lot has happened, but I have been journaling using a book instead. But I feel maybe I should post something here.

I had a rather upsetting encounter with my father a few hours ago. He is someone who is emotionally abusive when he doesn't get his way. Rude and condescending when his ego is bruised, he has the ability to make me question my worth as a person. This has been true of my younger days.. I am grateful for my deepened relationship with God... who has comforted me in my times of hurt. And it has helped me feel more secure. It still hurts, but I am thankful knowing that my Heavenly Father loves me and is faithful. I was introduced to this song that has been a way for me to meditate and praise God amidst the tumult in my heart...

Lord, please give me the heart to forgive my father. Please give me the wisdom to deal with the emotional abuse.. Thank you for providing me my inmost calm that can only come from You..

How Can I Keep From Singing

My life flows on in endless song;

Above earth's lamentation,

I hear the sweet, though far-off hymn

That hails a new creation

Through all the tumult and the strife,

I hear that music ringing

It finds an echo in my soul

How can I keep from singing?

What though my joys and comforts die?

I know my Savior liveth

What though the darkness gather round?

Songs in the night he giveth

No storm can shake my inmost calm

While to that refuge clinging

Since Christ is Lord of heaven and earth

How can I keep from singing?

I lift my eyes, the cloud grows thin

I see the blue above it

And day by day this pathway smooths,

Since first I learned to love it,

The peace of Christ makes fresh my heart

A fountain ever springing

For all things are mine since I am his

How can I keep from singing?

No storm can shake my inmost calm

While to that refuge clinging

Since Christ is Lord of heaven and earth

How can I keep from singing?

Lord, help me understand

I've been wrestling with the Lord again. wrestling on what I hear people say we need to practice, and yet not seeing it being practiced.

I've been feeling overwhelmed with all my responsibilities. and someone commented that, the things i do are not life or death, and that God is Sovereign. but that really just made me really angry.

I do acknowledge that God is sovereign. But how do I apply that to me rushing deadlines, and being delayed because I've just been doing damage control in different areas of my life? i'm really tired of hearing these words from people. It's so easily spoken, yet.. how do I apply it?

Lord, do I really not believe that you are Sovereign? how then shall I behave, knowing you are Sovereign? Do i just forget deadlines? Do I put aside responsibilities?

I don't know.. i'm frustrated. and i'm tired. Lord, please grant me wisdom, grant me rest, grant me peace...

as the year 2018 draws to a close...

Yet another year is coming to an end.

This year has been a challenge and yet I see God's Hand in whatever I am doing. My Father in Heaven has provided for my needs. My Father in Heaven has helped grant me peace for the turmoil my earthly father inflicts on me.

Lord, there are many times I want to tell others about my sacrifices I have done for the family... but I feel that God has held me back from doing so... with the constant reminder that God sees my deeds. I struggle, Lord. I struggle, feeling taken for granted. But I am comforted that God sees and He knows.

This year was a reminder that God is with me, that He is in control. And He is Enough. Many times I've yearned for more. Yearned to be able to do more. Dreamed to do things that are on my bucket list, such as sky diving, diving and bungee jumping, etc. I've had to give that up due to my condition that doesn't seem to be improving. God in His Grace has opened my heart to consider the losses I will continue to experience as my disease progresses overtime. I grieved when I realized this possibility. But the biggest thing that came out of that reflection was that God will always be there and He WILL be enough for me.

God has brought to me spiritual and emotional healing. My physical body may deteriorate but what joy to know that God is true always and forever! The Lord has given me the freedom to be true to my emotions and to be assertive. Others will pull me down but I pray that the Lord will keep me afloat.

Father, as the new year comes... I pray that You will be my Focus. Help me embrace a life that is meaningful to You. Teach me Your ways. Strengthen me for whatever that is ahead. Grant me the wisdom to live according to Your Will. Walk with me....

My Father, I surrender the year 2019 to You... I can resonate with the words of Paul.. coming Home would be a joy and gain... but if you grant me another year of life, please guide me to live a life worthy of Your gospel.

This song is a reminder of my security in Christ... may this be a prayer that brings me to and through 2019...

Christ Is Mine FOREVERMORE

Mine are days that God has numbered

I was made to walk with Him

Yet I look for worldly treasure

And forsake the King of kings

But mine is hope in my Redeemer

Though I fall, His love is sure

For Christ has paid for every failing

I am His forevermore

Mine are tears in times of sorrow

Darkness not yet understood

Through the valley I must travel

Where I see no earthly good

But mine is peace that flows from heaven

And the strength in times of need

I know my pain will not be wasted

Christ completes his work in me

Mine are days here as a stranger

Pilgrim on a narrow way

One with Christ I will encounter

Harm and hatred for His name

But mine is armour for this battle

Strong enough to last the war

And He has said He will deliver

Safely to the golden shore

And mine are keys to Zion city

Where beside the King I walk

For there my heart has found its treasure

Christ is mine forevermore

Come rejoice now, O my soul

For His love is my reward

Fear is gone and hope is sure

Christ is mine forevermore!