God's Timing Part 2

As mentioned in my prior post, "God's Timing Part 1", a friend and colleague had come in my time of sorrow while I was hospitalized. As we spoke and gave space for silence, two Bible stories came to her mind - the fall of Jericho and Peter walking on water. At the time that I reflected on these two stories, it was nearing Good Friday and Easter. And the dots began to connect. These two Bible stories, one from the Old Testament and the other from the New Testament helped enrich my appreciation of God's ultimate plan to save us, and helped me find my footing again.  

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Bible Story #1: The Fall of Jericho (Joshua 5:14 - 6:27)

This was a familiar Bible story to me, but I had not really considered it's practical applications for me as an adult now. As a child, it was just one of those amazing miracles that Bible is peppered with. But reading this passage again, as an adult, I placed myself in the shoes of Joshua and the fighting men, and I wondered what would have gone through their minds. How did they feel when God gave them His instructions. 

My realist mind had these questions:

"What? We're going to war but all we're supposed to do is to march round the city walls and have the priests blow the trumpets? And we're supposed to do this for 6 days? Oh, and you're telling me we're only supposed to shout and make all the noise we can on the 7th day? How are we going to win a war this way? This does not make ANY sense"

(I would have been one of the Israelites that would have been left in the desert to die before reaching the Promise land due to my doubting attitude and grumbling behaviours. and that is a wake up call on its own)

Really... If I'm truly honest with myself, if I were one of the men, I would have struggled with these instruction with God and probably would have tried to come up with other plans. But we read that Joshua, the priests and the men TRUSTED and OBEYED that God would fulfill His promise to them. What struck me was that God had used a past tense (according to the English Bible), "See, I have delivered Jericho into your hands, along with its king and its fighting men." Victory was already ensured. Jericho did not fall thanks to the effort of the Israelites. Jericho fell because God deemed it to be so. God had set His plan into motion already. What the Israelites needed to do was to BELIEVE and to FOLLOW God's command. 

Honestly, I have been feeling disheartened of late. I felt God was dangling a carrot in front of my face with the IJM position, something I likened to a dream job. A friend commented that the job description "fit like a glove" with my personality and my passion. And then my second hospitalization occured when already I was weighing in on my health status. Impulsively, I really just wanted to drop everything to take this job on. A later conversation with an activist friend helped to slow me down and process my thoughts - what attracted me to do this job? She also reminded me of the bureaucratic realities that come with this job, and the frustrations and stress I would encounter. In fact, because of my hospitalization, I had the chance to reconnect with a friend whom I could talk to that would help clear my thoughts on wether IJM is a feasible job option for me. Maybe God is preparing me for this work, so I am not just diving head first because it seems right, but to really know what I am signing myself up for. I realized that a lot of my prior thoughts were centered around what I could do to get things going. My control freak nature was taking its course.  

This Bible story reminded me of Ephesians 2:8-9 "For it is by Grace that you have been saved, through Faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the Gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast". 

It made me realize that God's leading may not make any earthly sense at times. God wants to show that we will only be saved and protected by His grace and mercy, not by anything we do. It is His GIFT, so I can't give props to my own ability and be prideful. 

The question is:

Do I have faith in God's power and promises? Do I believe in God's love for me? Do I think of God as a spiteful God who would dangle something I am passionate about only to take it away from me? Do I trust that God has plans for me? Will I surrender to His Will? Am I willing to listen and obey His directions even when I cannot grasp the fullness of it from my limited, human perspective? Will I trust His Timing? 

Bible passages that speak of God's promises and instructions began to flood my mind. There are so many more of these promises and declarations from God that I would not be able to finish noting down.  

Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord"

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God"

Romans 12:12 "Rejoice in Hope, be Patient in tribulation, be Constant in prayer"

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to Prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you Hope and a Future"

Numbers 6:24 - 26 "The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make His face shine on you and be Gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you Peace" 

When I reflect on the last passage, of Numbers 6:24-26, I am reminded of a song that God placed in my heart on the last day of year 2020. And the song was inspired by this passage. In hindsight, it feels as though God was preparing me, reminding me of His Presence and Peace before my health began showing the signs of deterioration I had sensed was coming. These passages that came to me was a reminder that God is ultimately in control and I can be assured of His Timing and His Plans for me. It made me realize again the importance of deepening my relationship with Him and to commune with Him - to be sensitive to His leading so I can take action when He wants me to.

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Bible Story #2: Peter Walking on Water (Matthew 14:22 - 33)

What resonated with me the most while reflecting on this Bible story this time was Jesus' responses to His disciples. When He had initially appeared to them, they were terrified and His immediate response was to assure them, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid" (verse 27). When Paul began sinking and cried out to Jesus to save him, Jesus "immediately reached out his hand and caught him" (verse 31).
The question that followed felt like a question presented to me, "You of little faith... why did you doubt?" 
Whenever I read this in the past, I had always imagined Jesus being angry, the tone loaded with accusation. But this time, I imagined Jesus expressing sadness. Peter was one of His disciples, in fact, Peter had the privilege of being part of the "inner circle", one of the three disciples closest to Jesus. He was a first-hand eyewitness to all the miracles performed by Jesus. Jesus had even healed his mother-in-law. So why would he doubt Jesus' power? This struck me hard. While I may not see Jesus in the flesh, I have seen how He provides for me. Countless prayers of mine have been answered. While I've experienced deep sorrow, I've also experienced peace that passes all human understanding in the face of earthly struggles.

I, like Peter, had become distracted by the howling winds and the crashing waves that surround me. And it caused me to start sinking. Jesus had meant for Peter to focus on Him. Jesus means for me to fix my eyes upon Him.
This reminded me of the Scriptural passage of Hebrews 12:1 - 3
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." 

What are the thoughts and things that have been hindering me from trusting God's plan? If I pay attention only to my fears, limitations and own capacity, I will sink. I can't go through this hurdle on my own. Only God can lead me to green pastures. God's call for me is to surrender myself to Him and to place my focus on Him, so that I can finish running the race He intended me to. Jesus too, experienced much sorrow while on earth. He too endured much opposition. He isn't detached from our human, painful experience. And because of this shared experience, I know He can truly empathize with me. 

The same questions pop up:

Do I have faith in God's power and promises? Do I believe in God's love for me? Do I think of God as a spiteful God who would dangle something I am passionate about only to take it away from me? Do I trust that God has plans for me? Will I surrender to His Will? Am I willing to listen and obey His directions even when I cannot grasp the fullness of it from my limited, human perspective? Will I trust His Timing? 

Honestly, the waiting, while I surrender to God's Plan and Will, is painful. A friend reminded me that the waiting between Jesus' death and resurrection was scary for the disciples. Their Lord was murdered in the most brutal way. They were grieving. They did not know what was going to happen next and they hid themselves. 

In parallel, my waiting has been painful - whether I am waiting for healing, for new job opportunities, or even for something different than my illnesses.

In Jesus' time, no one except God knew that it would take 3 days for God's promise of victory over sin and death would come to pass. But when the time came, Jesus' resurrection was in accordance to God's perfect timing. He had foretold this for thousands of years, with every single prophecy fulfilled. And the resurrection was glorious.  

In my case, I have been gifted the Word of God that tells of His Love and Goodness. For me, I am to recognize Him for who He is, and the promises He has proclaimed. The only thing that I can cling to and hope for, that will never waver or fail me, is God. 

My friend, Su-Hwei, had very succinctly summarized my thoughts when she said, 
"there is the promise (God's job),

 and there is obedience (our job),

and the promise is the hope that compels our obedience"

In line with God's perfect timing, I came across an article, "They Did Not Break His Legs: Daring to Hope on Holy Saturday", and what stayed with me was this paragraph:
"Note well, the promise of resurrection does not mean a promise of no death. In fact, he promise of resurrection assumes death. You must first die to be brought back to life. Psalm 34:20 does not promise the righteous man will not suffer in the flesh, and even suffer to death. But it does promise that God will raise him. God will put him back together and give him flesh again and breath again. And affliction, even if it kills him, could not defeat the righteous in the end. Which is not only true, figuratively, for Jsus, but literally. And that first ray of resurrection hope."

The grave was necessary for resurrection. Suffering and pain is hard to bear. And again, God does not promise that things will be smooth sailing. But what He has promised is His Presence amidst the pain. 

Honestly, my reflections here do not mean that I have all the answers. I am still uncertain of what lies ahead. But what has shifted is that instead of despair, I feel His Peace that things will happen according to His Will. And it is my role to trust in His leading. If it is God's blessing for me to take on IJM, He will prepare me for it and will provide the way.

It feels timely to close my current thoughts with a song that had just popped into my mind, and its lyrics are very appropriate to what I've been reflecting on.

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus (Look Up!)

Oh weary mind, oh troubled soul
All the broken pieces that You hold
Turn them over, give them up
And then watch what Jesus does

Oh heavy heart, oh heavy load
Lay it down and let it go
Leave your broken yesterdays
In the open arms of grace

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And watch the world grow dim
Standing next to Him
In the light of His glory and grace

Oh frozen hope, oh broken dreams
Just like a boat tossed on the raging seas
You will walk on waves again
When you have set your gaze on Him

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And watch the world grow dim
Standing next to Him
In the light of His glory and grace

So look up, look up
This is a song about the morning
After a long night
So look up, look up
This is a song about believing
It's gonna be alright, when you

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
I wanna grow dim
Standing next to Him
In the light of His glory and grace

So look up, look up
So look up, look up

God's Timing Part 1

It is only April 2021 but much has happened within the last few months. I'm breaking this reflection into two parts for me to be able to process and appreciate them more fully.

Safe Haven

This was a vision I had a decade ago - to set up an initiative spearheaded by a team of different professionals to provide holistic services to our marginalized communities. Just last year, it was my request to God that He would allow this to happen before He takes me Home. And soon after, things just started to fall into place. Seeing how Safe Haven came to be is a miracle as I observe Him at work, providing what my team needs, and directing me to people who will make this work. I've been blessed to have friends who are like-minded and are motivated to serve. I've often reflected on why it took 10 years for this initiative to materialize and the biggest factor that kept coming up was the perfection of God's Timing. I needed to be prepared beforehand before taking this on. Honestly, if I had forced my way years ago, this initiative would very much be led by my own strength and it would be a boost to my own pride, instead of it being God's work. Also, these years were needed for my team to develop and prepare themselves to be who they are now. Things now fell into place when they needed to be. Interactions occured and help came even at times when I did not realize I needed them. But God knew and provided. My challenge is to be sensitive to His nudging and direction, to trust His leading and to take action when I sensed His urging. 

Trials and Opportunities

 I entered the year experiencing alot of physical discomfort and pain. But me being me (later I realized that there was a general consensus between my friends and even my surgeon that I am a workaholic and with a very high pain threshold), I dismissed the severity of this issue. At the end, I discovered that my neck was degenerating and after several weeks, the plan was to undergo a surgery to resolve this pain. Remember how I am a workaholic with a high pain threshold? I also had a lot of responsibilities that I had to shoulder during my recuperation period which caused SEVERE pain. I ended up rushing to the emergency room, and later found out that I had torn a few muscles. And that resulted in a week's stay in the hospital for my surgeon and anesthetist to monitor my condition.

On the day that I was rushed to the hospital, I was supposed to have a video call with a headhunter for a job that very much attracted my attention. That position felt like one specifically fashioned for me. I was really excited at this prospect but what weighed heavily was my concern and fear - whether I could really do this work due to my unending list of chronic illnesses. 

The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. This thought kept flashing in my mind as I considered this opportunity. And then, the unexpected happened - I was hospitalized. Again. The irony was this hospitalization was even longer than my hospitalizations for my brain surgeries.

  

This was my view when I sat in the chair next to my hospital bed and it was pretty much my only exposure to the world outside for the week that I was admitted. As I looked through the window, I noticed vehicles driving past and people were walking to their respective destinations. Looking further, there were luscious greens and trees, and as a person who loves nature, it was something I yearned to immerse myself in. But this magnificent sight was also being obstructed by this massive window pane. 

And it hit me. This felt like a reflection of my life's horizon. Things were in motion and the world was passing by as per normal, but acutely, I felt stuck in the same place. The luscious green nature that I wanted to engage with was not within reach and even my view of it was blocked. I felt trapped by these obstacles. It was so painful and confusing - the hospital was a place designed to allow me to rest and recuperate, but it also reminded me of my physical limitations and hindered me from moving forward. 

A day prior, I was feeling overwhelmed as I was getting messages from my family who still expected me to manage the responsibilities of home and my siblings weren't very helpful in taking over. A person I work with also attempted to engage in work-related conversations and it filled me with anger and frustration due to the insensitivity to my need to recuperate. I was also bogged down with guilt as I observed Safe Haven becoming stagnant due to my inactivity - this was my greatest fear I had anticipated and had tried to resolve by attempting to build up a core team. Unfortunately, my hospitalizations occured before this could be finalized.  

With this, I broke down. My mind was flooded with questions and thoughts directed to God. 

Father, You seem to have placed opportunities my way... but I don't understand what Your current plan is for me, Lord.
How much longer do I need to bear with this painful trial?
What am I to learn from this?
What am I to do? How do I resolve this?
I am so tired, Lord. 
As a person living with chronic illnesses and a deteriorating body, the grief never ends. 

I found myself glued to this last thought. No matter how much I've accepted my journey with illness... I realize the grieving will continue as my body deteriorates further. And the sense of urgency to do more intensified. So did my depression and helplessness. 

Yet again, God's Timing was perfect as He sent a friend and colleague to be present with me while I mourned... and this provided me much comfort. This particular friend was also having her own recent health struggles and we could both relate and empathize with each other. Truly, God sent the person who had experienced the sense of loneliness a health struggle brings. Through her, God provided that safe space I needed to voice my pain and His Word was also shared to encourage me, which I will elaborate on in the 2nd part of my reflection. Later that same night, another friend share with me a song that spoke deeply to me. It is called "Even If" by MercyMe.

Even If

They say sometimes you win some

Sometimes you lose some

And right now, right now I'm losing bad

I've stood on this stage night after night

Reminding the broken it'll be alright

But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing

When there's nothing to bring me down

But what will I say

When I'm held to the flame

Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith

To move a mountain

Well good thing

A little faith is all I have, right now

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmovable

Oh give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

'Cause I know You're able

I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

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Honestly, I may not have alot of questions answered but what I do have is also the knowledge and experience that God has always been faithful and has pulled me through my darkest moments. God didn't promise us a bed of roses, instead He did say that we will endure hardships and pain. But I do not have to endure it alone. He will equip me and provide me the comfort and help I need to overcome them, according to His timing. Even if He chooses to remain silent at that moment, He is still the Rock I can cling to because He is the Almighty Father who knows me best.

And that gives me comfort. 

 My Journey of 2020

To say that the year 2020 has been challenging would be an understatement. I’ve felt stretched, pushed, battered and burdened. I experienced anxiety, depression, burnout, and grief. Some significant events that pop into my mind - my mom had a fall that rendered her bed-bound for more than a month and I was the sole caregiver because my sisters were all overseas, I was hospitalized for 5 days due to a lung infection, I worried about finances, I fell back into depression for a period of time, I unfortunately gained back the weight I lost even though I am still sick, I wrestled with yet another diagnosis and grieved over an anticipatory loss of a bodily function… and yet, I also experienced God’s love and witnessed His faithful providence in the midst of these struggles. Whenever I came before the Lord, broken and bruised, He assured me of His Love; that He would never abandon me in my pain, and His grace will always be sufficient for me.

In the chaos of a global pandemic, God has kept my family and I safe from the virus so far.
When my mom was bedbound, church members and college friends banded together to come up with meal plans so that the burden of cooking could be relieved from me. I had people reach out to provide me the support I needed while I juggled between managing the house, tending to my parents and also working from home.

While I worried about my ability to pay for my numerous medical treatments, God reminded me that I do not need to be anxious about tomorrow because He is in control and He will provide for me. And that came in the form of friends who have so generously offered to contribute money if I so need it, and I managed to retain a job even when the economy was bad due to the pandemic. 

While I struggled with my health and realized that my body will continue to deteriorate, God reminded me that this earthly damage is inevitable but I have a beautiful hope in Him, and one day this body will be replaced with a perfect, eternal body when I return Home. While this life is difficult, it will one day pass away and I have much to look forward to and He is my foundation that I can stand firm in, regardless of my current circumstances.

 He has also shown me that even in my depths of grief and sadness, I can be a vessel of compassion and comfort to others because I have experienced and endured much pain. While this process has thrown me way out of my comfort zone, it has also shaped me to be a more genuine person, and has taught me to trust God and not depend on my own strength. I have learnt that I do not need to appear strong in order to serve or help others, but being real and authentic means so much more. I have also learnt that many a time, I just need to be present for others in their moments of fear and anxiety, instead of jumping straight into my doer/fixer self.

 I was given a very special gift from God this year when I was able to participate in a medical study that if proven, could help people receive early intervention before a major stroke occurs. I had lamented before that I would never be a blood donor due to my Moyamoya disease, but it was because I was a Moyamoya patient that I was selected to be part of this study.  

 Another loss I had experienced in the recent years was that I would never be able to adopt a child as I am chronically ill and hence will not be able to support the child. But I was reminded this year that I have actually developed many dear friendships over time, and many are of varying ages and yet we are able to bless and encourage one another in our life journey. It made me realize that I am still able to care for others even if it isn’t in the shape of an adopted child, but rather much like having younger siblings.

 While I had withdrawn myself from socializing at a point when my depression was setting in again, God renewed and deepened other relationships – our conversations and support for one another have been meaningful, personal and encouraging. I also found joy and meaning in connecting with my students while we had to learn to adapt to online classes.

 This year felt stagnant and to be honest, I was initially in denial that the year 2020 was coming to an end as I was wondering what I had done this year. It felt as though the year whizzed past and I was not really a part of it. But now that I am reflecting, many things have happened and I’ve learnt a lot. While the uncertainty of a new year is still true, in the recent months, God has reignited a dream that I’ve shelved since my surgeries and friends who share this dream have also shared in my joy and excitement to plan for this dream to come true.

As the clock continues to tick towards midnight that will indicate a new year, I find myself listening to this song on loop – The Malaysia Blessing, while I reflect on how the year 2020 has been. This song truly encourages me as it reminds me of God’s Love for me. The fact that it is sung in the many different languages of my beautiful Malaysia drives home for me that every tongue will confess that Christ is Lord. I teared and had goosebumps as I listened and sang along. I am so touched by the promises of God stated in this song that He will always be there for me. And this song’s message will continue to ring true that The Lord is for me and that He will bless me and keep me, and be gracious to me and He will give me peace even in the midst of trials and tribulations. As I usher in the new year, the Lord is with me and will continue to journey with me through my highs and lows. With His assurances in mind, I step forward to the new year with hope and anticipation. Thank you, Father. J


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9vJw3tZ7E0

Verse:
The Lord bless you and keep you
Make his face shine upon you 
And be gracious to you
The Lord turn His face toward you
And give you peace

Barakatan (Be blessed) - Dusun
Lalu ngintu (and protected) - Iban
使祂的脸光照你 (The Lord make His face shine upon you) - Mandarin
也赐恩给你 (and be gracious to you) - Mandarin
Karthar unakku samathanam (The Lord give you peace) - Tamil
Mare senang (Give you peace) - Kelabit

Chorus:
Amen, Amen, Amen

Tuhan s’lalu berkati 
Wajah-Nya menyinari mu
Dengan kasih kurnia
Memandang mu,
Tuhan beri
Kedamaian

Bridge:
May His favor be upon you
And a thousand generations
And your family and your children
And their children, and their children

May His presence go before you
And behind you, and beside you
All around you, and within you
He is with you, He is with you

In the morning, in the evening
In your coming, and your going
In your weeping, and rejoicing
He is for you, He is for you

Rahmat Tuhan bersama mu
Tuk seribu generasi
Keluarga, anak kamu
Cucu cicit, anak m'reka

Ke hadapan bersama mu
Belakang mu, sebelah mu
Sekeliling dan dalaman
Tuhan ada dengan kamu

Waktu siang, waktu petang
Waktu pergi, waktu datang
Susah hati, senang hati
Dia ada untuk kamu, Dia ada untuk kamu

annoyance

Matthew 6:2 - So when you give to the needy, do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be praised by men. Truly I tell you, they already have their full reward.

i don't understand why men (i know i'm generalizing, but i tend to see this pattern more often than not) tend to make such a big fuss over the LITTLE they do. it's as though the little asked of them is a huge sacrifice of their life. I see this happen alot with my dad. He expects to be served. and when he does do a little bit for someone else, it needs to be publicized like he should receive the nobel prize or something. 

my dad's personality and behaviours truly irk me. I help around the house not making a scene about what i do at all. and he takes it as me not having done a thing. because i didn't announce it to the world. it's just stupid and idiotic and shallow

i'm just so pissed at idiocy and fakeness. 

hypocrisy

I am feeling weary and disappointed. Seeing a father who is supposedly the elder of a church be hypocritical (all my life), is a disappointment. To actually realize our interactions throughout my life has been rather emotionally abusive, is also disappointing. I think for all my years, I've been in denial, not expecting that a father who supposedly preaches God's Love and service does the exact opposite at home, but puts on a facade for others. A hypocrite, that's what it is. 

It makes me wonder how I am supposed to honor or obey this particular parent. But the Bible states that obedience needs to be in obedience in the Lord. and right now, whatever is happening is not Christ-like. Insults being hurled at me is not at all what the Father in Heaven would do. Ironically Screaming and shouting, stating I am rude, is not godly. Saying I should just keep doing everything by myself and kill myself doing it, while he just sits and idles, is not what a Christian should act.

I realize that I have rejected the very being of my dad. So much so, that it has shaped me as a different person (except for my stubbornness). My dad is egotistical, self-serving and entitled. He isn't present when others are trying to have conversations with others. He feels it is beneath him to learn from others. like wow.

anyway, i am just processing my thoughts here.. 

How Can I Keep From Singing

It' been a year since I posted anything. A lot has happened, but I have been journaling using a book instead. But I feel maybe I should post something here.

I had a rather upsetting encounter with my father a few hours ago. He is someone who is emotionally abusive when he doesn't get his way. Rude and condescending when his ego is bruised, he has the ability to make me question my worth as a person. This has been true of my younger days.. I am grateful for my deepened relationship with God... who has comforted me in my times of hurt. And it has helped me feel more secure. It still hurts, but I am thankful knowing that my Heavenly Father loves me and is faithful. I was introduced to this song that has been a way for me to meditate and praise God amidst the tumult in my heart...

Lord, please give me the heart to forgive my father. Please give me the wisdom to deal with the emotional abuse.. Thank you for providing me my inmost calm that can only come from You..

How Can I Keep From Singing

My life flows on in endless song;

Above earth's lamentation,

I hear the sweet, though far-off hymn

That hails a new creation

Through all the tumult and the strife,

I hear that music ringing

It finds an echo in my soul

How can I keep from singing?

What though my joys and comforts die?

I know my Savior liveth

What though the darkness gather round?

Songs in the night he giveth

No storm can shake my inmost calm

While to that refuge clinging

Since Christ is Lord of heaven and earth

How can I keep from singing?

I lift my eyes, the cloud grows thin

I see the blue above it

And day by day this pathway smooths,

Since first I learned to love it,

The peace of Christ makes fresh my heart

A fountain ever springing

For all things are mine since I am his

How can I keep from singing?

No storm can shake my inmost calm

While to that refuge clinging

Since Christ is Lord of heaven and earth

How can I keep from singing?

Lord, help me understand

I've been wrestling with the Lord again. wrestling on what I hear people say we need to practice, and yet not seeing it being practiced.

I've been feeling overwhelmed with all my responsibilities. and someone commented that, the things i do are not life or death, and that God is Sovereign. but that really just made me really angry.

I do acknowledge that God is sovereign. But how do I apply that to me rushing deadlines, and being delayed because I've just been doing damage control in different areas of my life? i'm really tired of hearing these words from people. It's so easily spoken, yet.. how do I apply it?

Lord, do I really not believe that you are Sovereign? how then shall I behave, knowing you are Sovereign? Do i just forget deadlines? Do I put aside responsibilities?

I don't know.. i'm frustrated. and i'm tired. Lord, please grant me wisdom, grant me rest, grant me peace...