Living Life to the Fullest

Live life to the fullest. Carpe diem ("Seize the day"). YOLO (you only live once).

A few weeks ago, my surgeon encouraged me to live life to the fullest with the time I have. And this is something I agree with. But come to think of it, what does this entail? How does one live life to the fullest?  

What does it mean to live life to the fullest?

One of the concepts I'm hooked to is that, at the end of the day, I want my actions to be intentional and not leave room for regret. But is that putting a lot of pressure on myself? I mean... as a fallen person, there will be regrets. It doesn't help that I tend to be very hard on myself when I perceive I'm not living up to standards (whose standards? That's another big question). 

I catch myself feeling the urgency and intensity of doing things, maybe even risking myself when I think of the word "fullest". It may be the semantics of it but it does have an extreme connotation that is subconscious to me. Like the YOLO movement which encourages people to embrace behaviours even if they carry inherent risks. So in a sense, to live rather impulsively with no/less considerations for consequences. 

Is that how I want to live my life though? That would be a contradiction to my goal in being intentional and purposeful if I were to act impulsively and taking shortsighted risks.

In my previous posts, I've been pondering about giving myself space. Maybe I need to allot space, flexibility and self-compassion here too - for regrets... for failures... for missed opportunities - when they occur.

It's dawning on me that to "live life to the fullest" seems like a rather vague value. Maybe I need to break down this broad term.

How do I envision myself living life to the fullest?
What do I see myself doing, and being?
What are the flexible, life-enhancing behaviours I can engage in, both great and small?
How do I want to treat myself?
How do I want to treat others and the world around me?
What is God inviting me to do? What is God's calling for me?

I'm going to give myself time to think about this, while allowing myself to breathe and to slow down but I'm thankful I've got these questions out of my system. And I'll come back to it when I'm ready.

But something I'm taking away from this rambling is flexibility and self-compassion. (I realize it's partly answering the "how do I want to treat myself?" question). Again, it ties in to giving space to myself to live in the moment and not be too hooked/caught up with what may be or what may not be because that's the future, and I have no control over that. 

Slow Down, Pei Pei

 So... I've been able to slow down my body quite a bit to allow my muscles to heal. But one thing I struggle with, is slowing down my mind. In fact, due to me slowing down physically, I've been absorbing my surroundings a lot more, which in turn leads me to observe dynamics and my own thoughts and responses. 

Because my mind is so full and overwhelming, I've resorted to jotting down all my reflections as an outlet for my thoughts. Hence the influx of posts of late. But I need to slow my thoughts down too. While i'm trying to be intentional with my actions, I think I need to be mindful of the present as well. Taking one step at a time. I recognize I've been getting ahead of myself and my thoughts and questions tend to spiral. I literally have been having conversations with myself on a daily basis since my hospitalizations. Self-talk on its own is normal, but it feels like a very noisy/chaotic internal debate right now. 

The ACT approach that I practice, suggests this mindfulness training technique - allowing thoughts to just flow past. You can use the analogy of leaves on a stream or boats in a river. So happen I came across this joke and I can totally relate to it.

That's my mind right there. Totally cluttered and thoughts just bumping into each other. (talking about perfect timing, a therapist friend just shared this to our group whatsapp too. strange no?) 

But jokes aside, I think I need to be more purposeful in grounding myself to reality by using my senses. And i've been trying some of these strategies.

Smell: I've been applying my lavender oil and sniffing it (i'm now sounding like an addict, well... at least it's not glue). 

Touch: I've been clenching and unclenching my fists, wiggle my toes and just mindfully planting my feet on the ground. I've also been hugging my gigantic bear in my room (I named it Huggy for a reason).

I'm also taking deep breaths and focusing on inhaling and exhaling. I realize whenever I'm mindfully practising these grounding techniques, they do work but it is definitely a battle with my brain. Maybe I need to get out to nature again. That does tend to settle me down quite well. Lying in a river would be even better, but that's not an option at this time. Sad.

God, please help put a rest to my thoughts. I'm feeling worn out by them. Help me discern what is helpful and what isn't. It feels like I am behaving like Peter - being distracted by the winds and waves again, Please guide me to be rooted in Your wisdom and understanding.  

Update: While lying in bed yesterday with Huggy and mindfully doing deep breathing exercises, these bible verses came to mind.

Philippians 4:6-7 ~ "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus"

Psalm 46:10 ~ "Be still and know that I am God"

Exodus 14:14 ~ "The LORD will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace"

Not only my body needs to be still, my thoughts need to be decluttered. it's definitely still a work in progress, but Lord, please help me trust Your plan and process. Please grant me peace in You.

Problem-solver

As a person who has a track record of constantly being on the go, me intentionally slowing down has helped slow down my body but in return, my mind buzzes with more observations than usual. And it makes me wonder if this has been my defense mechanism all this while - to drown out my thoughts as I am on automatic "do-mode". 

I had the privilege of recuperating at my colleague's home after my 2nd hospitalization. She gave me the space to recuperate as I wanted, and we would have meals together and have deep conversations. In one of those meal times, we spoke about the dynamics I had with people, specifically my family. It intrigued her that I seem to function as the problem-solver, tasked to keep the family running, even though I'm the youngest in my family. And I too wondered, how did this dynamic come to be.

With me being able to slow down while recuperating, I began noticing more and more of my personality and the dynamics that I tend to naturally ease into. Maybe my training as a therapist has also impacted my skills to problem-solve.

While staying with said colleague, she had very generously allowed me to use her Netflix account, and I decided to watch this reality show called Top Chef. I had actually watched this exact series when I was in the US (2006-2007), so I'm not sure what made me want to watch it again. But what intrigued me was the difference in my thought processes now. Watching Top Chef and seeing certain dynamics (i.e. contestants arguing, and their decisions), I realize I was observing their thought processes, and their problem-solving and conflict resolution abilities, and I was picturing what could have been done to do better or to resolve the issues that they faced. 

My mind really doesn't shut down, does it?

A day after, when my colleague had left for work and I was alone. To my horror, the flush handle had come off and was in my hand. And again, I went straight to problem-solving mode - trying to think of different ways to fix it. Looking at the flush handle from different angles. Identifying what are the possible steps of action. I decided to macgyver it. and then later I found a solution. In the end from my detective skills, I realize I didn't damage it, the screws had come off. Lo and behold, i fixed the flush. 

I was relieved that I managed to resolve this. Deep down, I didn't want to get into trouble or to inconvenience my colleague for damaging her property. But it made me recognize that I AM naturally a problem-solver. And I tend to take that role on so organically... that after a while, people just expect that of me. They no longer feel the need to problem-solve because they could just call on me to do it, and I would instinctively play that role, and have been busting my brains and energy to resolve things.

So with me learning to slow down now, I am trying to be more intentional with what I allow myself to do. Do I really need to be the problem-solver? So I too need to practice letting go. Me being a control freak doesn't help either, I know. One thing I'm trying to do now is to detach from doing. It's going to take some time to get used to this. And people will push boundaries too. but it's a learning curve.

Maybe I need to learn to detach my thoughts that keep running through my head too. 

Finding Space

Recently, especially during my hospitalizations and the week or so that I was discharged... I was overwhelmed with frustration and resentment as I was still held responsible to play certain active roles and I felt that my need to rest and recuperate was dismissed and disrespected. I'll be honest and admit that I was rather reactive towards these frequent reminders that I still needed to look into work and home stuff, and my stress intensified. It was so bad that my torn muscle area had actually worsened and swelled up, causing much concern from both my surgeon and physiotherapist. 

Then one day as I was reading Lori Gottlieb's Maybe You Should Talk To Someone, she recalled jotting down this on her notebook, "reacting vs. responding = reflexive vs chosen", which in turn was inspired by two quotes by Viktor Frankl, author of Man's Search for Meaning.

"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances"

and

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom"

I recall a similar conversation I had just short of a month prior, when I noticed myself experiencing mixed emotions at one particular time. And how I allowed myself to feel both emotions, but also at the end choosing to focus more energy on the emotion that gave me peace and was life-giving. In fact, just the night before I read this chapter, another dear friend had suggested that I ignore all the expectations dumped on me during my healing period.

I needed to give myself SPACE. 

To pause.

To ponder what a helpful response (to me) would be, instead of just immediately reacting. 

Unfortunately, there will always be people who are really poor at respecting boundaries and I have no control over that. What I do have control over is my response. It's really hard to practice this, believe me. But I have been attempting to be more intentional to allow myself space when something comes my way, and I can already notice the difference it makes. I am more at peace and better able to regulate my emotions. I feel less powerless as well since it is my choice to respond the way I do now.

A byproduct of me practicing this, I realize, was me developing a deeper compassion for those who were stressing me out. Because, now I wasn't just focused on how I felt misunderstood and taken for granted... but I was giving room for myself to better understand the possible underlying factors that contributed to that communication. 

For example, I began to recognize that my mom's overreliance on me was also a method for her to connect with me because she missed me while I was in the hospital (this was corroborated by a church member). And I then understood - with me being away, she was left lonely as I tend to engage with her if I were home. Isolated with little engagement. And being an Asian family, we don't talk about feelings. Asking me to do things was one of her attempts to communicate with me.   

Honestly, when I had this realization, I also noticed guilt beginning to creep into me. 

Maybe I shouldn't have been so harsh... I feel bad.

But then again, I did need that uninterrupted time for my body to heal. The challenge now was to accept both realities and to consider what are my options for a healthy response - to recognize that my mom felt lonely, and yet not be wrecked with guilt that I said no countless times to my mom when she asked me to help her with things, and also attempt to practice kindness while maintaining my boundaries.

I know this is something I will struggle with (and forget) time and time again. But hopefully with more practice, it will become more natural.

I'm also thankful that I've giving myself space to reflect on this so that I can keep it close to heart.   

God's Timing Part 3

Honestly, this is an unexpected follow-up of my recent two posts on God's Timing. 

For context sake, during my first recovery period, a dear colleague of mine had informed me that her family was leaving Malaysia for good in a few months. They were supposed to have left last year but plans were stalled due to Covid. Because of this, a few of us decided to make a trip to the river restaurant that I'd recommended before. My colleague wanted to have this experience before leaving. This was also going to be my first outing since my hospitalizations, so I was very excited to get out of the house and enjoy quality time with my dear friends.

But while we were making our way to the destination, I observed how beautiful and blue the skies were. It was practically cloudless - makes me regret not snapping a picture of this scene. And when we got to the restaurant, I very quickly got myself comfortable in the river (of course). And I looked around me and I felt this deep sense of appreciation. I was surrounded by trees. I was practically IN the river, enjoying the cool waters as it continued on it's path. 

I was in nature. 

And automatically my first post on God's Timing came to mind, where I lamented on how difficult it was to venture to the luscious greens that was partly hidden from my sight. But now. I was face-to-face with it. In fact, I was literally IN it. I was doing the very thing I felt was kept from me two plus weeks ago. 

(the view I was grieved by during my hospitalization)

(today's view of nature)

This realization brought a lot of joy to my heart. Sure, there were more people this time, making it more crowded and noisier, but I was just so thankful of this opportunity to do what I yearned to do, that is to commune with nature, that it was not much of a setback. I was just happy to be there. 

God had yet again blessed me and gave me the desire of my heart. I had waited 3 weeks for it. 

But it was worth it.    

In Reverance of God, Who Was and Is and Is to Come.

In my previous post, I was challenged to consider who God is, and how that would help strengthen my trust in Him, and be obedient to His leading. I was also led to remember the work on the cross that brought me back in fellowship with Him. And this song came to mind. It reminds me of God's holiness, beauty, faithfulness and permanence. With all this in mind, what is our response? 

So this has been playing in my Spotify playlist, but I also received an opportunity to sing this with a total stranger who had recorded her parts online. I felt really blessed to praise and exalt God alongside this person. I typically do not post songs I've sung but I felt the urging to keep this song and its lyrics close to heart.

Revelation Song

Worthy is the Lamb who was slain

Holy, holy is He

Sing a new song to Him who sits on

Heaven's mercy seat

Worthy is the Lamb who was slain

Holy, holy is He

Sing a new song to Him who sits on

Heaven's mercy seat

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty

Who was and is and is to come

With all creation I sing praise to the King of kings

You are my everything and I will adore You

Clothed in rainbows of living color

Flashes of lightning rolls of thunder

Blessing and honor strength and glory and power be

To You the only one wise King

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty

Who was and is and is to come

With all creation I sing praise to the King of kings

You are my everything and I will adore You

Filled with wonder awestruck wonder

At the mention of Your name

Jesus Your name is power, breath and living water

Such a marvelous mystery

Oh

Oh, You're worthy, God

You are worthy

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty

Who was and is and is to come

With all creation I sing praise to the King of kings

You are my everything and I will adore You

I will adore You 

God's Timing Part 2

As mentioned in my prior post, "God's Timing Part 1", a friend and colleague had come in my time of sorrow while I was hospitalized. As we spoke and gave space for silence, two Bible stories came to her mind - the fall of Jericho and Peter walking on water. At the time that I reflected on these two stories, it was nearing Good Friday and Easter. And the dots began to connect. These two Bible stories, one from the Old Testament and the other from the New Testament helped enrich my appreciation of God's ultimate plan to save us, and helped me find my footing again.  

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Bible Story #1: The Fall of Jericho (Joshua 5:14 - 6:27)

This was a familiar Bible story to me, but I had not really considered it's practical applications for me as an adult now. As a child, it was just one of those amazing miracles that Bible is peppered with. But reading this passage again, as an adult, I placed myself in the shoes of Joshua and the fighting men, and I wondered what would have gone through their minds. How did they feel when God gave them His instructions. 

My realist mind had these questions:

"What? We're going to war but all we're supposed to do is to march round the city walls and have the priests blow the trumpets? And we're supposed to do this for 6 days? Oh, and you're telling me we're only supposed to shout and make all the noise we can on the 7th day? How are we going to win a war this way? This does not make ANY sense"

(I would have been one of the Israelites that would have been left in the desert to die before reaching the Promise land due to my doubting attitude and grumbling behaviours. and that is a wake up call on its own)

Really... If I'm truly honest with myself, if I were one of the men, I would have struggled with these instruction with God and probably would have tried to come up with other plans. But we read that Joshua, the priests and the men TRUSTED and OBEYED that God would fulfill His promise to them. What struck me was that God had used a past tense (according to the English Bible), "See, I have delivered Jericho into your hands, along with its king and its fighting men." Victory was already ensured. Jericho did not fall thanks to the effort of the Israelites. Jericho fell because God deemed it to be so. God had set His plan into motion already. What the Israelites needed to do was to BELIEVE and to FOLLOW God's command. 

Honestly, I have been feeling disheartened of late. I felt God was dangling a carrot in front of my face with the IJM position, something I likened to a dream job. A friend commented that the job description "fit like a glove" with my personality and my passion. And then my second hospitalization occured when already I was weighing in on my health status. Impulsively, I really just wanted to drop everything to take this job on. A later conversation with an activist friend helped to slow me down and process my thoughts - what attracted me to do this job? She also reminded me of the bureaucratic realities that come with this job, and the frustrations and stress I would encounter. In fact, because of my hospitalization, I had the chance to reconnect with a friend whom I could talk to that would help clear my thoughts on wether IJM is a feasible job option for me. Maybe God is preparing me for this work, so I am not just diving head first because it seems right, but to really know what I am signing myself up for. I realized that a lot of my prior thoughts were centered around what I could do to get things going. My control freak nature was taking its course.  

This Bible story reminded me of Ephesians 2:8-9 "For it is by Grace that you have been saved, through Faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the Gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast". 

It made me realize that God's leading may not make any earthly sense at times. God wants to show that we will only be saved and protected by His grace and mercy, not by anything we do. It is His GIFT, so I can't give props to my own ability and be prideful. 

The question is:

Do I have faith in God's power and promises? Do I believe in God's love for me? Do I think of God as a spiteful God who would dangle something I am passionate about only to take it away from me? Do I trust that God has plans for me? Will I surrender to His Will? Am I willing to listen and obey His directions even when I cannot grasp the fullness of it from my limited, human perspective? Will I trust His Timing? 

Bible passages that speak of God's promises and instructions began to flood my mind. There are so many more of these promises and declarations from God that I would not be able to finish noting down.  

Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord"

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God"

Romans 12:12 "Rejoice in Hope, be Patient in tribulation, be Constant in prayer"

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to Prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you Hope and a Future"

Numbers 6:24 - 26 "The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make His face shine on you and be Gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you Peace" 

When I reflect on the last passage, of Numbers 6:24-26, I am reminded of a song that God placed in my heart on the last day of year 2020. And the song was inspired by this passage. In hindsight, it feels as though God was preparing me, reminding me of His Presence and Peace before my health began showing the signs of deterioration I had sensed was coming. These passages that came to me was a reminder that God is ultimately in control and I can be assured of His Timing and His Plans for me. It made me realize again the importance of deepening my relationship with Him and to commune with Him - to be sensitive to His leading so I can take action when He wants me to.

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Bible Story #2: Peter Walking on Water (Matthew 14:22 - 33)

What resonated with me the most while reflecting on this Bible story this time was Jesus' responses to His disciples. When He had initially appeared to them, they were terrified and His immediate response was to assure them, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid" (verse 27). When Paul began sinking and cried out to Jesus to save him, Jesus "immediately reached out his hand and caught him" (verse 31).
The question that followed felt like a question presented to me, "You of little faith... why did you doubt?" 
Whenever I read this in the past, I had always imagined Jesus being angry, the tone loaded with accusation. But this time, I imagined Jesus expressing sadness. Peter was one of His disciples, in fact, Peter had the privilege of being part of the "inner circle", one of the three disciples closest to Jesus. He was a first-hand eyewitness to all the miracles performed by Jesus. Jesus had even healed his mother-in-law. So why would he doubt Jesus' power? This struck me hard. While I may not see Jesus in the flesh, I have seen how He provides for me. Countless prayers of mine have been answered. While I've experienced deep sorrow, I've also experienced peace that passes all human understanding in the face of earthly struggles.

I, like Peter, had become distracted by the howling winds and the crashing waves that surround me. And it caused me to start sinking. Jesus had meant for Peter to focus on Him. Jesus means for me to fix my eyes upon Him.
This reminded me of the Scriptural passage of Hebrews 12:1 - 3
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." 

What are the thoughts and things that have been hindering me from trusting God's plan? If I pay attention only to my fears, limitations and own capacity, I will sink. I can't go through this hurdle on my own. Only God can lead me to green pastures. God's call for me is to surrender myself to Him and to place my focus on Him, so that I can finish running the race He intended me to. Jesus too, experienced much sorrow while on earth. He too endured much opposition. He isn't detached from our human, painful experience. And because of this shared experience, I know He can truly empathize with me. 

The same questions pop up:

Do I have faith in God's power and promises? Do I believe in God's love for me? Do I think of God as a spiteful God who would dangle something I am passionate about only to take it away from me? Do I trust that God has plans for me? Will I surrender to His Will? Am I willing to listen and obey His directions even when I cannot grasp the fullness of it from my limited, human perspective? Will I trust His Timing? 

Honestly, the waiting, while I surrender to God's Plan and Will, is painful. A friend reminded me that the waiting between Jesus' death and resurrection was scary for the disciples. Their Lord was murdered in the most brutal way. They were grieving. They did not know what was going to happen next and they hid themselves. 

In parallel, my waiting has been painful - whether I am waiting for healing, for new job opportunities, or even for something different than my illnesses.

In Jesus' time, no one except God knew that it would take 3 days for God's promise of victory over sin and death would come to pass. But when the time came, Jesus' resurrection was in accordance to God's perfect timing. He had foretold this for thousands of years, with every single prophecy fulfilled. And the resurrection was glorious.  

In my case, I have been gifted the Word of God that tells of His Love and Goodness. For me, I am to recognize Him for who He is, and the promises He has proclaimed. The only thing that I can cling to and hope for, that will never waver or fail me, is God. 

My friend, Su-Hwei, had very succinctly summarized my thoughts when she said, 
"there is the promise (God's job),

 and there is obedience (our job),

and the promise is the hope that compels our obedience"

In line with God's perfect timing, I came across an article, "They Did Not Break His Legs: Daring to Hope on Holy Saturday", and what stayed with me was this paragraph:
"Note well, the promise of resurrection does not mean a promise of no death. In fact, he promise of resurrection assumes death. You must first die to be brought back to life. Psalm 34:20 does not promise the righteous man will not suffer in the flesh, and even suffer to death. But it does promise that God will raise him. God will put him back together and give him flesh again and breath again. And affliction, even if it kills him, could not defeat the righteous in the end. Which is not only true, figuratively, for Jsus, but literally. And that first ray of resurrection hope."

The grave was necessary for resurrection. Suffering and pain is hard to bear. And again, God does not promise that things will be smooth sailing. But what He has promised is His Presence amidst the pain. 

Honestly, my reflections here do not mean that I have all the answers. I am still uncertain of what lies ahead. But what has shifted is that instead of despair, I feel His Peace that things will happen according to His Will. And it is my role to trust in His leading. If it is God's blessing for me to take on IJM, He will prepare me for it and will provide the way.

It feels timely to close my current thoughts with a song that had just popped into my mind, and its lyrics are very appropriate to what I've been reflecting on.

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus (Look Up!)

Oh weary mind, oh troubled soul
All the broken pieces that You hold
Turn them over, give them up
And then watch what Jesus does

Oh heavy heart, oh heavy load
Lay it down and let it go
Leave your broken yesterdays
In the open arms of grace

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And watch the world grow dim
Standing next to Him
In the light of His glory and grace

Oh frozen hope, oh broken dreams
Just like a boat tossed on the raging seas
You will walk on waves again
When you have set your gaze on Him

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And watch the world grow dim
Standing next to Him
In the light of His glory and grace

So look up, look up
This is a song about the morning
After a long night
So look up, look up
This is a song about believing
It's gonna be alright, when you

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
I wanna grow dim
Standing next to Him
In the light of His glory and grace

So look up, look up
So look up, look up