A Funny and Memorable Moment

So on Facebook, this memory popped up. And without fail, whenever I chance upon this video, I will laugh with tears streaming down my face because of the hilarity of it. I just thought of linking it here so that I can view it again with ease in the future. It definitely brightened my day.

Game of Taboo (2010)

It was fun to revisit my blurness which I still embody very much, 11 years later from the time of this video.  Technically, my answers were not wrong... just totally out of context HAHAHA. The two friends seated at my left and right were just shoving me from the nonsense amusement I was inadvertantly providing. Ahh.. the good ol' days. 

I watched it at least 10 times today, and the intensity of my laughing never decreased, resulting in me actually getting a headache due to the lack of oxygen in my brain. This typically happens when I laugh too much and too hard. It hurts but I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

Some kinds of pain is just worth it. 

Being A Supervisor

One of the things I enjoy most from my training in psychology is the practice of reflection. Sure, there are times when I ruminate and my thoughts spiral, which is not very healthy but being able to stop and review myself, namely my experiences, my thoughts, my feelings and to respond to them, helps me to discover parts of myself - whether its to acknowledge my limitations or to validate my strengths. 

One of the prevailing themes of late was the realization that I really do enjoy being a educator/mentor/supervisor. My journey as an educator started early, having taught tuition to children from underprivileged families as part of a church ministry. However, I recall having doubts about teaching as a career, feeling like I wouldn't be able to live up to expectations due to my mom having been a teacher herself. Looking back, I had really poor self esteem back then. But even then, I still ended up teaching for two years because my sister needed an English teacher because I was expected by my family to help her out at her centre. In fact, my motivation to do my masters was so that I could have a way out from bearing that expectation for the rest of my life. But I did enjoy the children and being maternal towards them. 

A few years later, I was offered the role as a tutor thanks to my ex-lecturer-cum-friend. Again, I had my doubts, even though I had already conducted workshops before as a trainer and had guest lectured several uni level classes. But this time, I took it as a challenge to grow as a person and professional. And honestly, it was a practical move - I needed a flexible but secure job to earn my keep. My private practice boss-cum-friend had also encouraged me to take on clinical supervisees because she felt I had the gift of mentoring others. It took some time for her to convince me to take the first step of supervising because I felt incompetent - I had only agreed after taking a course on how to be a supervisor to prepare myself.  

My university students, both the undergraduate and master-level students, and even my current supervisees have been very affirming of my interactions with them. One of my clinical interns had recently thanked me for being a good mentor to her after I had posed a few questions to her in response to a crossroad she was facing. My boss has been validating my efforts - stating that my approachable nature yet unwavering ethical/clinical standards make me a good supervisor. And just today, I received an unexpected email from an undergraduate student I taught last year, who decided to drop a random email just to let me know that she enjoyed my classes last year and ask if I taught any 3rd year subjects, reason being she wanted to take those classes. 

I have been thinking about my previous fear - noted in my recent postings - that I would be devastated in I wasn't selected for the international NGO job. Well... I won't lie, it would definitely hurt to be rejected but I'm realizing that I still have other avenues that I can shine in and actually, God has already provided these opportunities for me to grow in this particular field. In fact, if I do get that NGO role, I will miss being able to tutor and journey with my university students. 

With this in mind, the possibilities are endless. Again, God reveals hope, peace and contentment. 😊 

Counting My Blessings

 I had two nightmares that had similar themes last night. In both instances, I dreamt that my health status was a hinderance to getting my "dream job". The experience I had with the past NGO had really torched a fear in my mind that this could happen (again). 

But as I considered that possible reality, looking back, finding employment has not been too difficult for me, even post surgeries. My past work opportunities more or less came to me due to recommendations from others or the bosses knew me and wanted me to work - I didn't have much of an interview process for those times. The only other time that I had to put in more effort for it was for my IMH job in Singapore.

That's the human mind, isn't it? We do tend to have negative experiences stick with us more prominently. It's only when I allow myself to pause and to recollect my thoughts that I realize how blessed I have been. Doors have been opening, them being orchestrated by God, not by my own effort.  

Do I still have anxiety? Sure, that's a normal response but I recognize that its power over me has been reduced over the past week or so. It's been helpful to mindfully surrender control to God, to trust that He knows best, and to pray that I will be able to accept whatever outcome, positive or negative, because He has plans for me. In my previous posts, I mentioned the impact it would have on me if I did not get the job. Again, catastrophizing is such a normal occurence of thought distortion that can overtake so easily if left unchecked. It would be a lie if I said it wouldn't have any impact. But I know too that God will pick me up and I can move on, as I have in the past.  

Time and time again, He has shown His faithfulness, providence and mercy - stories gleaned from the Bible, and real personal experiences as well. 

What is my focus then? Do I place all my energy to focus on my disappointments? Or do I fix my gaze on the One who is sovereign and is in control overall. The plus point is that He knows my heart. The question I ask myself is if my heart is aligned to His? 

One Thing

Through the years I've observed the probable reason why Jesus was indignant when his disciples rebuked the little children that came to Jesus. 

Mark 10:14-15 ~ "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."  

Child-like wonder. Innocence of a child. These are common phrases in our vocabulary.

Unless traumatically-conditioned to be hypervigilant, kids have a willingness to trust in authority figure(s) that is/are significant to them. There is this curiosity in little children as well that is fascinating and oftentimes, amusing. But as they develop to tweenhood, adolescent and later young adults years, the battle for individuation and autonomy intensifies - wanting to do things their own way, the reluctance to be vulnerable, etc. I see this parallel with my spiritual life. As adults, we become habitual creatures set in our ways. We tend to complicate things. We believe we know better than others. 

In Scripture, there has been passages that describe the Christian walk to be a simple concept. I'm emphasizing that the concept seems straightforward enough, but as a grown person, I realize I tend to overthink things. and I admit I'm a ruminator.

To help with my meditation and reflection, I'm trying to compile these verse that have the similar theme of One Thing.  

Psalm 27:1, 4 - 5
"The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?... One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high upon a rock"

In this passage, King David's plea and sole focus, is that he will seek the Lord throughout his lifetime while resting on the intimate knowledge that God is his light, salvation and stronghold. In later psalms, he goes on to exclaim what can mere men do to him! What do I seek out for? Do I seek for my own (material) gain and pleasure? Do I seek for approval from mankind? 

Luke 10:38 - 42

Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me." But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

This is one of the Bible stories I hold dear to my heart because I see myself very much as Martha. I tend to put a lot of effort in DOING because that's where I place my sense of worth. But here, Jesus said that the one thing that was necessary was to actually sit at His feet, to listen to Him and to enjoy His presence. I know I still struggle with this because I do enjoy like to work but I need to get my priorities right - to ensure I'm rooted in Christ and His teachings. So a close friend suggested that instead of being fully Martha or fully Mary, its finding a balance (Martha + Mary = Marty). So from time to time, she asks if I am being a Marty.

John 9:25

He answered, "Whether he is a sinner I do not know. One thing I do know, that though I was blind, now I see."

This story looks at a man who was given his sight after so many years of being born blind. And the Pharisees were not satisfied with the answers he was giving them because it didn't serve their purpose/agenda/beliefs. This makes me think of the incidents of churches that argue amongst themselves and each other in regards to practices. Doctrine is definitely not something to be dismissed, but it saddens me when I hear instances of churches breaking up because of certain practices (i.e. the color of the veil women are to wear). And I wonder - is this really what God wants us to argue about? What is the essence of being a Christian? It is looking at the fruits that is borne, the lives we touch. When start being petty and legalistic, how different are we from the Pharisees of old? So what do I know as my belief as a Christian? That Jesus is the Son of God. He came to earth, born of a virgin mother, lived as fully man and fully God. He died to take away my sin and rose again on the 3rd day, conquering death and my bondage to sin. And with this belief, I want to follow Him, living my life as a testimony, with Him having modeled the Christian life for me. 

Philippians 3:12-14

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 

I think this very much ties in with the point above. So what do I want to do with the life that has been charged to me? What is my goal? How do I want to journey in this lifetime? I love how the ESV states that its about "straining forward". It's not a walk in the park but it's also about letting go of the things that would hinder us from striving towards God's call and His prize. Pain is inevitable but we can make it worthwhile. One of the things I used to struggle very much with was guilt. Guilt of the sins I've committed or things I could have done better as His servant and it would bog me down, even though I have prayed for forgiveness, repented of my actions and tried to be more mindful to follow His nudgings. And my spiritual director asked me if this guilt which I've carried for years was actually bringing me closer to God or driving me further away. This was a good question - because sometimes that guilt brought shame which made me feel disconnected from God, and I would not be able to come before God. So it was also me having to forgive myself and to not let these mistakes define who I am now because I am changing with His guidance and strength. 

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I don't claim to be a perfect Christian, far from in fact as I rely on Christ to sanctify me. But for me, the challenge is to go back to the essence of what it means to be a follower of Christ. What does it mean to be a Christian? Who am I modeling after? Why do I do what I do? What is my goal? How will I attain it? 

In Loving Memory

It's been more than a month since your passing, Aunty Aegile. 

I won't forget that you had gathered friends to pray for me as I was admitted to the hospital on March 4th for my PLDD surgery, only for me to find out from Kat that you were rushed to the hospital yourself in the wee hours of the morning on the day I was discharged. And on March 9th, you had gone home to be with our Lord. I wasn't even allowed to go for your funeral because it was so soon after my surgery. I found myself in tears today as I thought of you, a grief that I had tucked aside. 

Thank you for being a role model in the way you fought for the rights of the marginalized. Thank you for your selflessness. Thank you for the impact you've had in my life, and for the reminder that the fight and advocacy continues. 

You Call Me Out Upon The Waters

(Image shared by a friend)

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown

Where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours

You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed

And You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours

And You are mine (You are mine)

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

Oh, Jesus, You're my God

I will call upon Your name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in Your embrace

I am Yours

And You are mine 

God's Timing Part 4

 Again, God's Timing really amazes me. 

The past week as I considered the possibility of pursuing the IJM role, my mind was overwhelmed with thoughts. I have been getting ahead of myself, and wrestling with what is deemed a "wise" decision. If I were to wholeheartedly pursue a full time job, am I testing God's grace and mercy for me? As a Christian, Phil 4:13 ("I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me") is very much drilled into me. But when does it become a testimony of trust.. and when does it become a test for God?

Today, it felt as though God was sending me His answer through different sources to trust in His plans, His timings and His providences. 

A friend shared her prayer for me and I was touched by it as it was a reminder for me to surrender to His outcomes.

And my friend from another NGO messaged me for my IJM updates, 2 hours before my phonecall with the headhunter - the last we spoke was before my 2nd hospitalization. And she was able to empathize with my health concerns, as she has her own health issues. She shared with me how things still get done on her part, and how she sees God providing for her every need. And of course, she shared with me the reality of her work - the difficult bits, the human failings, etc. Again... a reminder that life is not a bed of roses, sweet and soft. In those roses are sharp thorns. But the biggest reminder that is being drilled into me today, is that all will work out for good if it is truly my calling. (Romans 8:28) 

And my ex-pastor friend reminded me that there isn't one right answer, but the important thing is that I continue to honour God whatever the outcome is. She shared with me that it's perfectly fine to dream, but at what cost am I going to pursue it? The real danger is if I pursue this dream more than I pursue God. And perhaps, one of the ways to consider this is if I will still be satisfied in Christ if I do not get what I want.

Those were God's wisdom, coming from dear friends. 

During the phonecall, I still chose to be transparent with my health issues, because I did not want this to be a surprise to anyone. And if this unfortunately causes me to be dropped out of the running for this role, then maybe it is not meant for me. It will hurt for sure, and I will take time to heal and grieve, but I will eventually bounce back. 

But as of now. I don't know what the outcome is. I managed to secure a second phone call with the headhunter and my NGO friend told me to list her as a referee. At the end of the day, I'm reminded God has plans for me. I have no idea what they are and for a control freak, it is unnerving. But this is part and parcel of learning to trust. And I will continually struggle. But may these words come to me when I need them most. It's interesting how these are things i know but they so easily slip my mind. But I'm thankful that God sends reminders to help me refocus. In fact as I was going through my spotify list, I stumbled upon this recommended song I've never heard before. And it feels like another answered prayer to ground me deeper in God.

Peace Be Still by Hope Darst

I don't want to be afraid

Every time I face the waves

I don't want to be afraid

I don't want to be afraid

I don't want to fear the storm

Just because I hear it roar

I don't want to fear the storm

I don't want to fear the storm

Peace be still

Say the word and I will

Set my feet upon the sea

Till I'm dancing in the deep

Peace be still

You are here so it is well

Even when my eyes can't see

I will trust the voice that speaks

I'm not gonna be afraid

'Cause these waves are only waves

I'm not gonna be afraid

No, I'm not gonna be afraid

I'm not gonna fear the storm

You are greater than it's roar

I'm not gonna fear the storm

I'm not gonna fear at all

Peace be still

Say the word and I will

Set my feet upon the sea

Till I'm dancing in the deep

Peace be still

You are here so it is well

Even when my eyes can't see

I will trust the voice that speaks

Peace peace over me

Let faith rise up

Oh heart believe

Let faith rise up in me

Let faith rise up

Oh heart believe

Let faith rise up in me

Let faith rise up

Oh heart believe

Let faith rise up in me

Let faith rise up

Oh heart believe

Let faith rise up in me

Peace be still

Say the word and I will

Set my feet upon the sea

Till I'm dancing in the deep

Peace be still

You are here so it is well

Even when my eyes can't see

I will trust the voice that speaks

Peace peace over me

Peace peace over me

You speak peace

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Proverbs 16:9 ~ "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps".

Psalms 37:4 ~ "Take delight in the Lord , and he will give you the desires of your heart".

May my desires be aligned to His Heart.