seems like a dejavu, but it isn't.

It didn't feel too long ago when I blogged about my first diagnosis in July 18, 2011. I received that diagnosis after doing an MRI because I suffered severe migraines that lasted for a month consecutively. I still remember sitting in the doctor's room in Selayang Hospital when the doctor told me I had "Multifocal Lacunar Infarcts".

"What?"

That was my response.

~Fastforward~
3 years later, on June 12, 2014, I find myself working IN a hospital - the Institute of Mental Health, Singapore, and with more frequent and intense migraines. I went to do another MRI, and that's when I received a phonecall the next day, while waiting to see a patient in the community setting.

"Did the neurologist back in 2011 tell you about any other diagnosis?"

"No" - was my answer.

"You have Moyamoya syndrome."

"What?"

Another neurological condition. But this time, a more severe one. One that required me to run back and forth the hospital at least once a week after that phonecall in June to run tests (blood tests, carotid ultrasound, angiogram, SPECT scan with diamox) and to see the stroke specialist and surgeon. One that will require brain surgery. Not just one, but two brain surgeries in order for me to hope for a life without seizures, cognitive decline, dementia, stroke or death.

It's been one of the most difficult trial of my life - having to juggle work, while going to the hospital to run further investigations, to finding more info about my disease and treatment, prognosis, surgery. To finding out how my personal insurance could cover me, how my workplace could cover me. To making decisions about where to do the surgery and to recuperate - in Malaysia or Singapore. Who will my surgeon be? Who do I trust to have the skills to work on my brain? I still have not decided. Many a time, I had nightmares. I had difficulty sleeping. I felt stretched. I still feel stretched. Sometimes the feeling of being overwhelmed never really leaves.

I coped by listening to hymns, to contemporary Christian music, reading the Bible. I realized I also coped by trying to take control of whatever I could, and things that didn't exactly go as planned made me break down in tears (something that wouldn't have bothered me in the past). I coped by making myself DO things, finding it difficult to wholly surrender my situation to God.

The dam broke on July 16th - in other words, I shed buckets of tears - the day the surgeon told me that I had a 1 in 3 chance to suffer a stroke within the next 6 months. I didn't cry immediately, but after a month of me holding back tears and filling my head with knowledge in regards to my disease, it had finally hit me hard that this was really happening. This is real. I had intermittent bouts of crying as I watched my parents leave for KL... As I arrived back home. Feeling so alone and afraid. Tears continued to stream down my face as I listened to hymns to comfort me.

I'm slowly accepting the reality of this overwhelming experience. To be honest, it's still daunting as my future is unknown. But what keeps coming back to me is Romans 8:28 - that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. This pain... has a purpose. Ironically, I had actually bought a book in 2012, which I had decided not to continue reading because I felt my earlier diagnosis wasn't severe enough for me to think it was such "bad news". I picked it up again after receiving my 2nd diagnosis. This particular sentence struck me - "God brings purpose to illness and injury, where otherwise there might be only tragedy. It may not be clear to you what good can come of an injury or illness when you first receive the doctor's bad news, but it is always clear to God. He will not waste your suffering. Some good will come from it."

Also, this trial has shown me how loved I am as messages of encouragement have been streaming in, prayers have been said, hymns and bible passages have been shared. Even in the midst of this terrible disease, I feel blessed.

Taking a step back... I see how God has put things into place for me as this trial began unfolding. But this would be another post. Till next time :)

Daily Bread - TOO HELPFUL?

Too Helpful? April 7, 2012 Our Daily Bread is hosted by Les Lamborn READ: 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me. —Psalm 139:23-24 Is it possible to be too helpful? Can our helpfulness actually make life more difficult for others? Yes, if we’re being bothersome, intrusive, smothering, manipulative, or controlling. If the help we are giving is driven only by our own anxiety, we may be just trying to help ourselves. How then can we know if our heart and acts of service are truly symbolic of God’s unconditional love? How can we love from pure motives? (Prov. 16:2; 21:2; 1 Cor. 4:5). In prayer we can ask God to show us any way we are hurting or hindering others (Ps. 139:23-24). We can ask God to help us show love that “suffers long and is kind; . . . is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil” (1 Cor. 13:4-5). Our efforts to help others, especially those we love the most, will never be completely free from anxiety. But we can, by God’s grace, begin to love freely with no strings attached, as God Himself loves. The test, of course, and the measure of our progress, is the way we react when our “helpfulness” is unrecognized or goes unrewarded (see Luke 14:12-14). Lord, help us to love with pure motives and for the good of others. Help us to love unconditionally, expecting nothing in return. —David Roper Please help me, Lord, in all I do To act and think with motives true; And by Your love reveal to me Those sins that only You can see. —D. De Haan In our desire to help, let’s love with pure motives.

disillusioned

sometimes i wonder... why do people criticize others so much... i know we're supposed to have our sights set on heaven.. but then, why do we sometimes turn around and do things that are similar to the world's standards?

when we try to stand up for what is right... we end up being called "naive" and "inexperienced". hmmm.. i'm not sure whether i want to be "experienced" in dealing with the world, where selfishness reign supreme.

"Let your yes be yes, and your no be no"

shouldn't we honor our words? even when circumstances may alter? does this mean that my promise before that is annulled because, "it isn't the same". but what had i promised? shouldn't i stick to that?

moreover, i hold dearly to "do unto others what you would have them do to you". would i want someone to turn their back on me? to break their promise? to give excuses that its a different scenario altogether? NO!

why do people take words so lightly? do they not know the power of words? we've all realized that "sticks and stones may break my bones but words would not hurt me" was coined by a person trying to console him/herself. there is hardly any truth in that saying. so why do we tear people down so easily, without a thought for the person we've directed hurtful words to. its always so much easier to break someone down than to encourage... to build up.

Its so difficult to be a Barnabas.. i guess, sometimes people don't see the need to.. thus, there is no effort put in doing so...

what do you do...

when you feel stuck at a corner... struggling to breathe... the pain is getting overwhelming. and there's just little that you can do... taking meds... Lord please help me.. i've been praying that You help me through this pain... i really need comfort, i need relief...

i feel like throwing up. i feel like crying... i'm feeling weak. what can i do. who can i turn to?

i read this passage and i cling to it's promise, that You will watch over me...

Psalms 121

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
² My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

⁷ The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

in pain...

Dear Lord,

my chest feels compressed, my arm feels numb AND it tingles at the same time. i feel light-headed and dizzy. the pain makes me want to throw up... what can i do?

i don't feel energized to do anything. the only thing that i can to do is put a smile on my face and pray hard that You would protect me and bring me through this tough time..

even breathing is difficult. What can I do, Lord? please help....

Psalm 38:21-22

LORD, do not forsake me;
do not be far from me, my God.
Come quickly to help me,
my Lord and my Savior.

to my dearest friend

I'm really so sorry... i know i can't turn back time.. but i really want to be there for you...

being and doing

my temper has not been good the past two days... due to the "flood" that occurred in my room. there was so much anger and disappointment, when my family members didn't come to my rescue. i think this year... my sense of loneliness within the family has escalated. i feel disconnected. i feel as though i can't reach out to them, nor are they reaching out to me.

it's been a tough year.. when mom said that it was no point that they came back coz they couldn't DO anything... i realized... getting them to DO something, wasn't my top priority. I just needed them to BE there...

which makes me think and reflect... more often than not, we all think that we can only be effective if we DO something... we forget to BE ourselves. i remember DN reminding me... i am already God's blessing. I don't need to DO something... as though i need to prove my worth. I just need to BE who i am... and that's good enough.

i think sometimes we focus so much on what we can do, that when we, in our finite minds think that nothing can be done... we just surrender... or we don't do anything... but the best gift that we could offer could actually just be BEING there... the presence of someone who understands... who empathizes... is so much more powerful...

going for the Psychological First Aid course made me realize... this is exactly it. Our goal isn't to go there to SAVE them... to MAKE a difference... it's to hold those in pain... to accept and to share the experience of the disaster... it's to BE there...

need to learn to be there...