I've just recently recovered from a bout of diarrhea and vomiting (food poisoning? stomach flu?). Well, I don't know what exactly it was, but I've never experienced that in my life before. This bugged me for several reasons... One, because I can no longer say my stomach is made of steel and I've never had diarrhea before. And the other, due to my purging and vomiting, I lost a lot of water in my system, and that is a pretty big stroke risk there.. Even with me continuously replenishing water, I kept feeling dehydrated. I lived in fear at that point wondering if something bad was going to happen.
I spoke to a friend yesterday about my fears of going back into the OT the second time. Hearing a personal story from her, a struggle of a loved one going through something similar... nearly brought me to tears. Because it felt so real. And I know I will have to go through it in 10 days.
Sometimes I feel hopeful... sometimes I feel lost and afraid. Sometimes I feel like I'm bargaining with God, asking Him to spare me as there are so many things that I've not done yet here on earth... and there are days when I beg God to take me Home. It's been a crazy ride for me. And I realize I'm becoming edgier as my surgery date comes closer. I remember how calm I was, as I was wheeled from my ward to the OT. Sometimes I wonder, will I still feel at peace? Even writing this piece, my hands are trembling... and my eyes are welling up.
I think it doesn't help that I keep replaying in my head the discussion I had with my surgeon in regards to a possible third surgery. I feel overwhelmed. I feel exhausted. I feel... helpless. When will this stop? Will it EVER stop? Also, I've had people saying that "nah.. you won't need the 3rd surgery" or "just stay strong and you'll be OK!" or "you'll be totally fine". I know I've said this before, and till now it still annoys me. Sometimes, these words seem so easy to utter... but little do they know how difficult it is to be in my position. My fears and concerns... so easily dismissed.
My emotions are topsy-turvy right now. I'm trying to enjoy myself now before I go in... but sometimes these things just affect me and I no longer have the mood to do anything. I'm now trying to play my instruments, read a lot, meet up with people... things I'm afraid I can't do if something were to happen during/after surgery. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of dying. I'm quite sure I've mentioned this in a previous post. I'm not afraid of dying... I'm afraid something dreadful happens.. but I don't die... and I have to survive that. Not just me, my family too.
Lord... I'm at a loss now. You know how afraid I am. I don't know what to do. Please... help me.
Wednesday, 7 January 2015
Friday, 2 January 2015
The year that was...
In a blink of an eye, it's already the 3rd day of the new year. As I look back to the year 2014, I wonder what happened to time. 2014 was really eventful and things seem to be a blur.
Personally, it's been a challenging year for me. The struggles I had while staying in Singapore. The many times I felt lost and pushed to the edge due to my convictions about demonstrating God's love, especially to people who were hard to love. I now understand how it's like when people say that they felt their lives came crashing down, upon hearing my diagnosis over the phone. Many changes occurred and I had to force myself to adapt, and to adapt quick. I barely had time to grieve as I had to be on the "get go" to survive.
I've become more and more convinced that the unveiling of my disease was timed by God. If I was told of this disease back in 2011, I don't think I would have be mature enough to handle it. And who knows, if I have not been told yet, I may have already suffered a major stroke by now. God really does equip us to handle every situation that is thrown at us. To be honest, sometimes there are questions that I pose to God -
"Why am I still alive?"
"What is my purpose here?"
"What am I to learn from this disease? this trial?"
"Can I take this any longer?"
It's still surreal. Sometimes I take a step back and am reminded that I did go through a major brain surgery. I know my fear is that I lose my abilities (emotional, physical, psychological, cognitive). The year 2014 taught me that life is fragile and life should not be taken for granted. Looking outside my "box", 2014 was full of tragedy - the MH370, MH17 and even the recent QZ8501. The Sewol cruise ship in Korea that went down. The devastating floods in the east coast. Terrorist attacks all over. People dying for no good reason. My heart goes out to the families who are left behind... People suffering the aftermath of disasters.
I've had several people asking me how I'm coping, and how I'm feeling with the second surgery not too far from the horizon. For the first time in 29 years, I think I've been honest with my feelings. No longer just telling people, "I'm fine" or "I'm ok". I'm learning to share my fears, although I have to add that it is awkward. With my past experience of surgery, it doesn't make it easier for me to go through another one. Just knowing the pain I'll be subjected to, the possible risk of suffering a stroke, the knowledge that I'll be incapacitated for yet another month or so... scares me. With the understanding that my graft is weak and I could be due for a third surgery... depresses me. Well, these news aren't the most joyous, and sometimes I feel obliged to comfort others that I'll be OK. But more often than not, I can't because I don't know what will happen. And I'm afraid that if I keep telling myself that life will be fine, I'm setting myself up for disappointment if things were to go wrong. My realistic standpoint is battling my optimistic side.
At this point, I am meditating on the verses and perspective that my namesake, Mr Francis Dunn, shared during our Girls' Camp gospel night. He reminded us that as humans we fear THREE things.
1. The uncertainty of our future
2. The guilt of our past
3. The inadequacy of our present
BAM! That's me. Can't be anymore accurate than that. I fear for my future, what will happen? I fear for my past, the sins I've committed, the guilt I've been bearing for not doing my best for the Lord at all times. And also me feeling incompetent and inadequate, feeling like I am also unlovable.
To which, Francis Dunn read out a verse.
Psalm 27
In dealing with the uncertainty of my future:
God is my LIGHT at the end of a very dark tunnel. We don't know what is before us, but God will show me the way. I may have my moments of fear and doubt, but I am to trust Him to lead me home.. What more, God loves me and will not lead me astray.
In dealing with the guilt of my past:
God is my SALVATION. He has paid the price and has redeemed me in full. God has demonstrated unconditional love and mercy to me. If I repent of my sins, He wipes my slate clean. I am no longer blemished due to His ultimate sacrifice. And He has freed me from the slavery of sin. Without a doubt, keeping myself from sinning is extremely difficult, but God is here to help me through.
In dealing with the inadequacy of the present:
God is my STRONGHOLD, my STRENGTH of my life. This is definitely something I struggle with. Many a time, I keep depending on my own strength to carry on. But here, God wants me to cling on to Him. He will provide me with whatever I need to strive in challenging situations.
With all this in mind, whom shall I fear? Of whom shall I be afraid? This is definitely easier said than done, but it's a reminder that my God is an all-powerful, all-knowing and all-loving God, who will be with me through it all.
My mind is directed to a song by Chris Tomlin, "Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies)". This song was shared by a friend some time after my recent diagnosis surfaced.
Personally, it's been a challenging year for me. The struggles I had while staying in Singapore. The many times I felt lost and pushed to the edge due to my convictions about demonstrating God's love, especially to people who were hard to love. I now understand how it's like when people say that they felt their lives came crashing down, upon hearing my diagnosis over the phone. Many changes occurred and I had to force myself to adapt, and to adapt quick. I barely had time to grieve as I had to be on the "get go" to survive.
I've become more and more convinced that the unveiling of my disease was timed by God. If I was told of this disease back in 2011, I don't think I would have be mature enough to handle it. And who knows, if I have not been told yet, I may have already suffered a major stroke by now. God really does equip us to handle every situation that is thrown at us. To be honest, sometimes there are questions that I pose to God -
"Why am I still alive?"
"What is my purpose here?"
"What am I to learn from this disease? this trial?"
"Can I take this any longer?"
It's still surreal. Sometimes I take a step back and am reminded that I did go through a major brain surgery. I know my fear is that I lose my abilities (emotional, physical, psychological, cognitive). The year 2014 taught me that life is fragile and life should not be taken for granted. Looking outside my "box", 2014 was full of tragedy - the MH370, MH17 and even the recent QZ8501. The Sewol cruise ship in Korea that went down. The devastating floods in the east coast. Terrorist attacks all over. People dying for no good reason. My heart goes out to the families who are left behind... People suffering the aftermath of disasters.
I've had several people asking me how I'm coping, and how I'm feeling with the second surgery not too far from the horizon. For the first time in 29 years, I think I've been honest with my feelings. No longer just telling people, "I'm fine" or "I'm ok". I'm learning to share my fears, although I have to add that it is awkward. With my past experience of surgery, it doesn't make it easier for me to go through another one. Just knowing the pain I'll be subjected to, the possible risk of suffering a stroke, the knowledge that I'll be incapacitated for yet another month or so... scares me. With the understanding that my graft is weak and I could be due for a third surgery... depresses me. Well, these news aren't the most joyous, and sometimes I feel obliged to comfort others that I'll be OK. But more often than not, I can't because I don't know what will happen. And I'm afraid that if I keep telling myself that life will be fine, I'm setting myself up for disappointment if things were to go wrong. My realistic standpoint is battling my optimistic side.
At this point, I am meditating on the verses and perspective that my namesake, Mr Francis Dunn, shared during our Girls' Camp gospel night. He reminded us that as humans we fear THREE things.
1. The uncertainty of our future
2. The guilt of our past
3. The inadequacy of our present
BAM! That's me. Can't be anymore accurate than that. I fear for my future, what will happen? I fear for my past, the sins I've committed, the guilt I've been bearing for not doing my best for the Lord at all times. And also me feeling incompetent and inadequate, feeling like I am also unlovable.
To which, Francis Dunn read out a verse.
Psalm 27
1 The Lord is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
In dealing with the uncertainty of my future:
God is my LIGHT at the end of a very dark tunnel. We don't know what is before us, but God will show me the way. I may have my moments of fear and doubt, but I am to trust Him to lead me home.. What more, God loves me and will not lead me astray.
In dealing with the guilt of my past:
God is my SALVATION. He has paid the price and has redeemed me in full. God has demonstrated unconditional love and mercy to me. If I repent of my sins, He wipes my slate clean. I am no longer blemished due to His ultimate sacrifice. And He has freed me from the slavery of sin. Without a doubt, keeping myself from sinning is extremely difficult, but God is here to help me through.
In dealing with the inadequacy of the present:
God is my STRONGHOLD, my STRENGTH of my life. This is definitely something I struggle with. Many a time, I keep depending on my own strength to carry on. But here, God wants me to cling on to Him. He will provide me with whatever I need to strive in challenging situations.
With all this in mind, whom shall I fear? Of whom shall I be afraid? This is definitely easier said than done, but it's a reminder that my God is an all-powerful, all-knowing and all-loving God, who will be with me through it all.
My mind is directed to a song by Chris Tomlin, "Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies)". This song was shared by a friend some time after my recent diagnosis surfaced.
You hear me when I call
You are my morning song
Though darkness fills the night
It cannot hide the light
Whom shall I fear?
You crush the enemy
Underneath my feet
You are my Sword and Shield
Though troubles linger still
Whom shall I fear?
Chorus:
I know Who goes before me
I know Who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The One who reigns forever
He is a Friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
My strength is in Your name
For You alone can save
You will deliver me
Yours is the victory
Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
Bridge:
And nothing formed against me shall stand
You hold the whole world in your hands
I'm holding onto Your promises
You are faithful
You are faithful
And nothing formed against me shall stand
You hold the whole world in your hands
I'm holding onto Your promises
You are faithful
You are faithful
You are faithful
Outro:
The God of angel armies is always by my side
As I look forward to year 2015, I am reminded that being a child of God does not mean that I will not go through any suffering, but He will journey alongside me during my trials. I pray that I will never forget that my Father in Heaven is always beside me, going before me and also standing behind me. He is my Friend and will deliver me from my troubles.
As I look forward to year 2015, I am reminded that being a child of God does not mean that I will not go through any suffering, but He will journey alongside me during my trials. I pray that I will never forget that my Father in Heaven is always beside me, going before me and also standing behind me. He is my Friend and will deliver me from my troubles.
Sunday, 28 December 2014
something I just noticed
From my recent post, I spoke about having "group therapy" with my batchmates, and I was suddenly reminded of a question that was directed to me.
"If you could change something in your life, what would it be and why?" (I'm sorta paraphrasing here, i think but that's the gist of the question).
I remember my mind went blank when this question was posed and I had to take sometime to ponder before answering that I wished to be more assertive due to the tendency that I get pushed around. (and now I wonder why my memory for this particular event is so clear..)
I just realized... I didn't wish that I wouldn't have Moyamoya disease. But as I thought of that, a still small voice told me that suffering this disease had taught me to cling on to God tighter, and I had experienced God's love and love from others more than I've ever believed to have been loved. And it had taught me lessons of life and death, compassion and grief, resilience, brokenness, joy, anger, hope, etc.
Things do happen for a reason. I think something I need to remind myself is that I can sit, pout and sulk throughout all my life experiences, but there is always something to learn from it. I admit, sometimes I want to pull all my hair out (not that I have much now anyway) from my frustrations and feelings of hopelessness, and I don't know what God is teaching me. But that's the thing... maybe we may find out one day.. maybe we won't... but am I willing to submit to God's Timing and Will for me.
Life isn't a bed of roses. I don't think it was ever meant to be. Being God's Child doesn't mean I won't suffer. I will still have countless days where I will struggle and feel helpless. But I must never forget that He is in control.
"If you could change something in your life, what would it be and why?" (I'm sorta paraphrasing here, i think but that's the gist of the question).
I remember my mind went blank when this question was posed and I had to take sometime to ponder before answering that I wished to be more assertive due to the tendency that I get pushed around. (and now I wonder why my memory for this particular event is so clear..)
I just realized... I didn't wish that I wouldn't have Moyamoya disease. But as I thought of that, a still small voice told me that suffering this disease had taught me to cling on to God tighter, and I had experienced God's love and love from others more than I've ever believed to have been loved. And it had taught me lessons of life and death, compassion and grief, resilience, brokenness, joy, anger, hope, etc.
Things do happen for a reason. I think something I need to remind myself is that I can sit, pout and sulk throughout all my life experiences, but there is always something to learn from it. I admit, sometimes I want to pull all my hair out (not that I have much now anyway) from my frustrations and feelings of hopelessness, and I don't know what God is teaching me. But that's the thing... maybe we may find out one day.. maybe we won't... but am I willing to submit to God's Timing and Will for me.
Life isn't a bed of roses. I don't think it was ever meant to be. Being God's Child doesn't mean I won't suffer. I will still have countless days where I will struggle and feel helpless. But I must never forget that He is in control.
contemplation
I've just returned from a fun-filled trip to Penang with my batch of Clinical Psychology coursemates, to attend the wedding lunch of one of our peers.
Although it was a short 3 days and it was crammed with laughter, eating and getting caught in massive holiday jams... I did learn a thing or two along the way.
1. I learned (or was reminded, more like) that I had actually undergone a major brain surgery just 2 months ago, and flying wasn't as easy as I expected it to be.
I actually felt pressure inside my head and had stabbing pains coming on and off during and after the flight (both ways). And I started having numbing/pins and needle sensations on my arm/leg as well. I realize that I've been pushing myself to "recover" that sometimes I forget that I did go through a rather major operation. I can be pretty hard on myself, feeling the need to let myself know that I'm OK... instead of allowing my body to recuperate on its own time. I fear displaying weakness and vulnerability. Something I've been talking about more recently but still struggle a lot with.
2. Be thankful for what you've been blessed with, and forgive and move on from things that have hurt you.
To cut it short, I was given an opportunity to appreciate someone in public, and without a doubt, my mind went straight to my bestfriend, Jessie, who has been a great comfort and help to me especially this rather difficult year. A person that I hope in all honest truth that I will never take for granted or advantage of. Also, I had witnessed an ironic situation which made me realize that sometimes biases/prejudices do occur. I may be angry about it, but the anger leads me nowhere. I think it's time for me to take care of myself and not kill myself to be the "good guy". Sometimes, people may just abuse you countless times. Jesus has taught us about faith and grace, but sometimes I wonder... would God want me to be in this same situation over and over again? So walk away after you have had enough.
3. It's always beneficial to have "group therapy".
Or in this case, i'm thankful for Jaws who always took the lead to facilitate our noisy group into having more meaningful conversations - to get to know one another better and to encourage one another. Amidst our often crazy interactions, I'm glad we do take some time to be serious and to listen to one another, to share our own thoughts, goals, etc. I'm truly thankful for my batch of MCPers. They are one of a kind.
4. Take time to really experience life.
This year has taught me to appreciate life more in the light of a potentially dangerous disease. To create memories with loved ones. To forgive and forget painful events. To be thankful for the littlest things that we so casually take for granted (i.e. good weather, arriving at our destination, having my blood flow properly in my body/brain, etc). To experience and enjoy things with a child-like wonder. To let yourself go and have a great time with people around you without being too self-conscious (by the way, it came to a point we were laughing SO hard we were kinda afraid others would complain about our boisterous volume).
To sum up everything, a rather appropriate quote came to my attention as I was writing this post. It reads:
I couldn't agree more.
Although it was a short 3 days and it was crammed with laughter, eating and getting caught in massive holiday jams... I did learn a thing or two along the way.
1. I learned (or was reminded, more like) that I had actually undergone a major brain surgery just 2 months ago, and flying wasn't as easy as I expected it to be.
I actually felt pressure inside my head and had stabbing pains coming on and off during and after the flight (both ways). And I started having numbing/pins and needle sensations on my arm/leg as well. I realize that I've been pushing myself to "recover" that sometimes I forget that I did go through a rather major operation. I can be pretty hard on myself, feeling the need to let myself know that I'm OK... instead of allowing my body to recuperate on its own time. I fear displaying weakness and vulnerability. Something I've been talking about more recently but still struggle a lot with.
2. Be thankful for what you've been blessed with, and forgive and move on from things that have hurt you.
To cut it short, I was given an opportunity to appreciate someone in public, and without a doubt, my mind went straight to my bestfriend, Jessie, who has been a great comfort and help to me especially this rather difficult year. A person that I hope in all honest truth that I will never take for granted or advantage of. Also, I had witnessed an ironic situation which made me realize that sometimes biases/prejudices do occur. I may be angry about it, but the anger leads me nowhere. I think it's time for me to take care of myself and not kill myself to be the "good guy". Sometimes, people may just abuse you countless times. Jesus has taught us about faith and grace, but sometimes I wonder... would God want me to be in this same situation over and over again? So walk away after you have had enough.
3. It's always beneficial to have "group therapy".
Or in this case, i'm thankful for Jaws who always took the lead to facilitate our noisy group into having more meaningful conversations - to get to know one another better and to encourage one another. Amidst our often crazy interactions, I'm glad we do take some time to be serious and to listen to one another, to share our own thoughts, goals, etc. I'm truly thankful for my batch of MCPers. They are one of a kind.
4. Take time to really experience life.
This year has taught me to appreciate life more in the light of a potentially dangerous disease. To create memories with loved ones. To forgive and forget painful events. To be thankful for the littlest things that we so casually take for granted (i.e. good weather, arriving at our destination, having my blood flow properly in my body/brain, etc). To experience and enjoy things with a child-like wonder. To let yourself go and have a great time with people around you without being too self-conscious (by the way, it came to a point we were laughing SO hard we were kinda afraid others would complain about our boisterous volume).
To sum up everything, a rather appropriate quote came to my attention as I was writing this post. It reads:
Accept what is,
Let go of what was,
And have faith in what will be.
Thursday, 18 December 2014
CU Camp, your warm welcome beckons me!
Actually, I'm back from CU Camp, or Girls' Christian Camp as it is now known.
I've got so much to update - so many memories were created, so much nostalgia stirred. In all my years of camp (20 years by now), I have never stopped enjoying the fellowship of the young and old, and learning God's Word through the talks and through acts of service. It's so amazing. I'm not sure where to begin.
Instead of talking about too many things at the same time, I think I'll write this current post about my reflections of the entire camp. I'll dedicate my next post to an important lesson I learnt during gospel night.
To be honest, I had some hesitation going for camp as I knew that my friends would be very concerned about my well-being (bless them). Plus, I was at a low state at that time, feeling vulnerable and inadequate - making me wonder if I would be a burden at camp, instead of being helpful.
It was quite an eventful camp this year, with 153 campers to look after. Not to mention the emergency that we had on gospel night. But throughout it all, it really demonstrated that God is in control of everything, protecting us from harm and even providing us a place to evacuate and still continue on with our program. It is such an assurance knowing that we serve an Almighty God who looks after our needs.
Working with all my friends was a blessing too. To know that I could count on them, as we humbly serve each other without any grumbling or complaint was something I really appreciated. Although sometimes I felt they were overly protective of me, I knew their intentions were good. They were also gracious, allowing me lots of time to rest.
Although I wasn't a kitchen helper, I managed to sneak in to help out once a while, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Aunty Catherine and Aunty Wendy are truly blessings from God. So approachable and motherly. I really enjoyed the fellowship of all kitchen helpers. It was like being in a family.
Seeing the young girls develop into fine leaders is something that is dear to me too. I realize I've got a soft spot for these girls. And i'm so proud of them as they take on responsibilities to lead the campers. As I mentioned to one girl, I'd be more than happy to have someone take over my record of attending camp the most, as that would mean that others have the same passion as I have for this very special camp.
The performances for candle light service this year were very meaningful. I'm so encouraged by the group leaders who really took the effort to come up with profound messages in their skits. I've never teared so much watching skits before. And I was deeply moved when I found out that there were girls who cried during practice as they really took in the roles they played.
That being said, there were many challenges at camp. And I hope that we can improve on things so that it won't be a discouragement, especially group leaders to take on leadership roles. Looking forward to many more camps in years to come.
Thank You, Lord, for granting us such a fun camp, and yet we get to learn Your Word without distraction. Missing everyone..
I've got so much to update - so many memories were created, so much nostalgia stirred. In all my years of camp (20 years by now), I have never stopped enjoying the fellowship of the young and old, and learning God's Word through the talks and through acts of service. It's so amazing. I'm not sure where to begin.
Instead of talking about too many things at the same time, I think I'll write this current post about my reflections of the entire camp. I'll dedicate my next post to an important lesson I learnt during gospel night.
To be honest, I had some hesitation going for camp as I knew that my friends would be very concerned about my well-being (bless them). Plus, I was at a low state at that time, feeling vulnerable and inadequate - making me wonder if I would be a burden at camp, instead of being helpful.
It was quite an eventful camp this year, with 153 campers to look after. Not to mention the emergency that we had on gospel night. But throughout it all, it really demonstrated that God is in control of everything, protecting us from harm and even providing us a place to evacuate and still continue on with our program. It is such an assurance knowing that we serve an Almighty God who looks after our needs.
Working with all my friends was a blessing too. To know that I could count on them, as we humbly serve each other without any grumbling or complaint was something I really appreciated. Although sometimes I felt they were overly protective of me, I knew their intentions were good. They were also gracious, allowing me lots of time to rest.
Although I wasn't a kitchen helper, I managed to sneak in to help out once a while, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Aunty Catherine and Aunty Wendy are truly blessings from God. So approachable and motherly. I really enjoyed the fellowship of all kitchen helpers. It was like being in a family.
Seeing the young girls develop into fine leaders is something that is dear to me too. I realize I've got a soft spot for these girls. And i'm so proud of them as they take on responsibilities to lead the campers. As I mentioned to one girl, I'd be more than happy to have someone take over my record of attending camp the most, as that would mean that others have the same passion as I have for this very special camp.
The performances for candle light service this year were very meaningful. I'm so encouraged by the group leaders who really took the effort to come up with profound messages in their skits. I've never teared so much watching skits before. And I was deeply moved when I found out that there were girls who cried during practice as they really took in the roles they played.
That being said, there were many challenges at camp. And I hope that we can improve on things so that it won't be a discouragement, especially group leaders to take on leadership roles. Looking forward to many more camps in years to come.
Thank You, Lord, for granting us such a fun camp, and yet we get to learn Your Word without distraction. Missing everyone..
Thursday, 11 December 2014
I'm human
Today marks the 2nd month since my revascularization surgery.
My incision site has been healing pretty well with slight hiccups along the way, due to my internal suture sticking out a couple of times but on the whole... I have been OK on the physical side. I've been struggling emotionally and psychologically though.
As I withdrew the money I was given by my "critical illness policy", I couldn't help but stare in disbelief that I had to take that sum of money out at the age of 29. In my mind, I thought, "this wasn't supposed to be withdrawn till i'm at least 50!"
I've had my post-surgery SPECT scans and CT scans done recently. To be honest, I dreaded doing it. I dreaded lying down and subjecting myself to being jabbed numerous times because my veins were too small. This coming from someone who has a fear of needles. It was also an awful waiting game - waiting literally for hours just to be sent in for my scans.
I've always regarded myself as a pretty optimistic person but this has been a really tough experience for me. Maybe my optimism gave me so much hope that it ended up disappointing me when the results weren't as I had hoped. The good news is that my brain blood flow has improved in comparison to pre-surgery. However, my surgeon has noted that "it could have been better". My blood circulation is still inadequate. Moreover, my CT scans have indicated that my graft seems pretty weak and it's uncertain if my graft is closing up. If my 2nd surgery doesn't compensate for the inadequate blood flow, I may have to undergo a 3rd surgery - multiple burr hole surgery to release pressure from my brain and to facilitate blood vessel growth. The potential areas for my skull to be punctured for that particular surgery has already been pointed out. My surgeon wants me to be more active but also warns me to be careful not to exert myself too much as I may collapse.
Sigh..
If my graft closes up... does this mean I'll be back to square one? Would I have gone through the pain and "trauma" of surgery for nothing?
I cried myself to sleep on the day I received news about my brain scan results. Truth be told, I still struggle with accepting my emotions. I feel guilty whenever I feel overwhelmed or upset about what has been happening, knowing that other people may have it worst than me. It doesn't help that there may be people who dismiss my emotions, reinforcing the idea that I shouldn't be feeling this way. I feel awful whenever I am feeling low as it seems as though I'm not trusting God with His plans for me.
Being vulnerable has never been easy for me, especially when I'm used to having people tell me to buck up, or to be strong for other people. I feel responsible to be more optimistic, more hopeful... when I've been placed in a position where it's like I'm a symbol of hope amidst my struggles.
But... I'm already dreading my second surgery. I feel low as I realize that the days are falling past and my next surgery is drawing closer, causing my fears to increase.
A friend reminded me today that I'm human - that what i'm feeling is a natural response and it is OK to be vulnerable, to allow my emotions to emerge and surrender them to God. She spoke of a Bible verse that has been stuck in my mind ever since my brain scan results came out.
John 11:35 ~ Jesus wept.
That's it. The shortest verse in the Bible. But this simple verse showed the humanity of Christ. In that context, Christ grieved over the death of a friend. God gave us the ability to experience emotions, not just happy ones... but sad ones too. Not only that, in the passage it clearly demonstrates that God isn't an unfeeling deity who is detached from the human experience. He himself understands and shares our pain.
Sometimes it's just so tempting to paint a well and dandy picture of myself, to show that I'm fine. But no, I'm not THAT fine. I'm struggling. I'm afraid. I'm grieving. I'm feeling overwhelmed.
And I need to remind myself that it is OK to feel that way. It's only normal that I will feel like this given my circumstance. I need to allow myself time to process all my emotions and thoughts. I need to remind myself that God will comfort me and grieve beside me when I'm at my lowest, not judge me for the less-than-happy feelings I have been experiencing.
I've been looping this song for a while now. It's a song I've always loved but the chorus and bridge part of the song (indicated in bold and italics) bears a more personal meaning to me now.
Our brother is gone - Her words cut like a knife
into the heart of the Lord
into the heart of the Lord
If you had been here than he wouldn’t have died
She cried to the Light of the World
So they went to where Lazarus slept - and realized as Jesus wept
Chorus:
That He shares every heartache -
He bears every grief
He is there when your heart breaks and you can’t find relief
When the pain is relentless - The darkness so deep
He is right there beside you - The Savior who weeps
What can you say when the prayers have been prayed
and no miracle comes along?
How can you comfort a mother & dad
now that their baby is gone?
And there in the darkest of hours
the tears of God mingles with ours
Cause He shares every heartache - He bears every grief
He is there when your heart breaks and you can’t find relief
When the pain is relentless - the darkness so deep
He is right there beside you - the Savior who weeps
Bridge:
One day every tear shall be dried
but till that day He cries when we cry.
Cause He shares every heartache - He bears every grief
He is there when your heart breaks and you can’t find relief
When the pain is relentless - the darkness so deep
He is right there beside you - the Savior who weeps
Crying beside you - the Savior who weeps
Sunday, 23 November 2014
going in circles
Have you ever paused and wondered, "this seems all too familiar...?"
Have you ever gone through life experiences... it may not even necessarily be with the same people... but the feeling you get is that you just had a de javu?
Sometimes I think to myself...
"I've had this conversation before..."
"I've gone through this heartache before..."
"Why does this happen time and time again..?"
"Is this a pattern or some sort in my life that I won't get past until I manage to break the cycle... however that's supposed to be?"
For someone with a behavior therapy background, my functional analysis chart is left empty. I don't even know how to identify what is to change to make things better. Funny thing is, my actions have mostly been driven by my heart and not my head. My head would just tell me to give up, to walk away from the crap I experience/feel... but my heart won't allow me to let go. Always telling me to continue trying, to hang on for dear life.
It seems true that we will hurt more when we feel/love more. That seems like an ironic statement.
Is this a life lesson on love? on perseverance? on faith? All of the above? Do I follow my heart or my head? Could there be a compromise?
Questions with no answers (yet, I hope). How to find these answers? I can only pray for wisdom. Maybe the key is to keep going through these experiences until I find the answer. Sorta like trial and error, perhaps?
Have you ever gone through life experiences... it may not even necessarily be with the same people... but the feeling you get is that you just had a de javu?
Sometimes I think to myself...
"I've had this conversation before..."
"I've gone through this heartache before..."
"Why does this happen time and time again..?"
"Is this a pattern or some sort in my life that I won't get past until I manage to break the cycle... however that's supposed to be?"
For someone with a behavior therapy background, my functional analysis chart is left empty. I don't even know how to identify what is to change to make things better. Funny thing is, my actions have mostly been driven by my heart and not my head. My head would just tell me to give up, to walk away from the crap I experience/feel... but my heart won't allow me to let go. Always telling me to continue trying, to hang on for dear life.
It seems true that we will hurt more when we feel/love more. That seems like an ironic statement.
Is this a life lesson on love? on perseverance? on faith? All of the above? Do I follow my heart or my head? Could there be a compromise?
Questions with no answers (yet, I hope). How to find these answers? I can only pray for wisdom. Maybe the key is to keep going through these experiences until I find the answer. Sorta like trial and error, perhaps?
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