I am currently attempting to recover from 2 days of being "bedridden" due to pain. Not entirely sure what caused it, but am wondering if me trying to get back into my usual active mode is taking an even harder toll on my body...
it sucks that I feel so weak. it's disappointing that my fingers aren't as strong and quick in the past. Playing the guitar has been a challenge. Even during the CNY holidays, playing poker and mahjong with my relatives was difficult. I may have joked about "getting a stroke" due to playing, but deep down... I did have some fear that my brain wasn't able to take it, because the stabbing pain wouldn't stop whenever i tried to concentrate. My maths has never been good, but now that I have to take time to count basic numbers to make sure it's right... seems like my processing has deteriorated.
I realize its not only other people's expectations of me, but my own too... to get back on my feet quickly. Also, i'm struggling with my emotions. I have a lot of anger and frustration that is being built up.
I need therapy. But i don't have the confidence to drive yet. I feel stuck. I cry behind locked doors often. This is such a lonely journey....
When will this end?
Monday, 9 March 2015
Thursday, 12 February 2015
struggling
Dear Lord,
You know how much I am struggling, how much pain I'm experiencing. It feels so much harder this time. Sometimes I feel like I'm crumbling. trapped. alone. It seems like it's getting harder to pull myself together. I realize I'm trying so hard to recover, to be strong... that this mask that I've put on is suffocating me.
You know my deepest emotions, Lord. Please forgive me for my anger and frustration towards certain things that have happened in my life. But Father please grant me peace and forgiveness. It's so difficult. Even if my head doesn't explode, I feel like I'm going to implode.
I'm so exhausted. I really need relief and rest... I don't know what to do anymore... Please help me, Lord.
You know how much I am struggling, how much pain I'm experiencing. It feels so much harder this time. Sometimes I feel like I'm crumbling. trapped. alone. It seems like it's getting harder to pull myself together. I realize I'm trying so hard to recover, to be strong... that this mask that I've put on is suffocating me.
You know my deepest emotions, Lord. Please forgive me for my anger and frustration towards certain things that have happened in my life. But Father please grant me peace and forgiveness. It's so difficult. Even if my head doesn't explode, I feel like I'm going to implode.
I'm so exhausted. I really need relief and rest... I don't know what to do anymore... Please help me, Lord.
Thursday, 15 January 2015
Trying to make the most of it
This will probably be my last post before my surgery on Saturday. So here goes...
My head is shaved, I look like a "pretty boy" as some call me now. Am not looking forward to being called my parents' son, or "sir". You get my drift. And I digress. Anyway, I realized that it felt harder for me to go to the hairdresser this time round. Maybe it's because it makes me face the reality that I will be going for my next surgery REAL soon. And the other reason was cause I really did like my hairstyle at this time being.
I'm still trying to deal with my emotions. I teared up just TALKING to my mom about how to manage my stay in ICU again. Of course, I was at the back seat of the car, hence she didn't realize I was tearing.
But to be honest, I do feel slightly more at peace today. I'm not at Zen mode, but I don't feel as overwhelmed as I have been the past week. I pray that God will continue to grant me a peace of heart and mind. Hmm.. well, its actually nearly 3am now, and I have difficulty sleeping. I think my brain is just on overdrive.
Amidst my anxieties, I'm glad God sends me people who comfort me. Kharenee, now that I know that you do read my blog... I just want to thank you. Thank you for reminding me that I'm human. Thank you for pointing out that my training as a psychologist does not exempt me from experiencing fear and anxiety just like everyone else. I needed that. Sometimes I receive the exact opposite message from other people, and that makes me even more distressed.
As I said, I'm not in Zen mode, but neither am I frantic. I guess I just have to try to make the best out of this whole ordeal. You know how they say you can cheat your brain to think that you're happy just by smiling. Well, I think it works. And of course, to distract yourself and have fun. Like how I attempted a Mohawk style (again) before completely shaving off my hair. My sister reminded me later during dinner that I should have shaved from the middle, to the sides as per Jeremy's suggestion. Which I totally forgot! The horror!! That could have been totally HILARIOUS. well, who knows.. maybe I have another chance to be bald again.. but hopefully not for another surgery. Then I'll do that. HEH!
Anyway, I've been meditating on a few verses from the Bible, and I would like to share it here. They are well known verses, but still very personal to me at this point.
Isaiah 40:28-31; 41:10
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
As I ponder upon His Love, His Guidance and the Strength He grants me, I shed tears, amazed at the wonders of His Grace. It may seem odd, but my love for God has increased due to my sickness, as I am made aware of how much I need God in my life. I've been singing this hymn today. It's one of my favorites, and I realized that there are a few versions. One of my favorite covers of this hymn is by Selah. The words remind me of our 2014 CU Camp theme - I love Him because He first loved me, and had redeemed me 2000 years ago. What more, He continues to be my Rock and my Security, especially in times of trouble. I pray that I will continue to praise God no matter what the circumstance... and I look forward to being with God one day.
If ever I love You, My dear Lord Jesus, it is now. Thank You, Lord.
My head is shaved, I look like a "pretty boy" as some call me now. Am not looking forward to being called my parents' son, or "sir". You get my drift. And I digress. Anyway, I realized that it felt harder for me to go to the hairdresser this time round. Maybe it's because it makes me face the reality that I will be going for my next surgery REAL soon. And the other reason was cause I really did like my hairstyle at this time being.
I'm still trying to deal with my emotions. I teared up just TALKING to my mom about how to manage my stay in ICU again. Of course, I was at the back seat of the car, hence she didn't realize I was tearing.
But to be honest, I do feel slightly more at peace today. I'm not at Zen mode, but I don't feel as overwhelmed as I have been the past week. I pray that God will continue to grant me a peace of heart and mind. Hmm.. well, its actually nearly 3am now, and I have difficulty sleeping. I think my brain is just on overdrive.
Amidst my anxieties, I'm glad God sends me people who comfort me. Kharenee, now that I know that you do read my blog... I just want to thank you. Thank you for reminding me that I'm human. Thank you for pointing out that my training as a psychologist does not exempt me from experiencing fear and anxiety just like everyone else. I needed that. Sometimes I receive the exact opposite message from other people, and that makes me even more distressed.
As I said, I'm not in Zen mode, but neither am I frantic. I guess I just have to try to make the best out of this whole ordeal. You know how they say you can cheat your brain to think that you're happy just by smiling. Well, I think it works. And of course, to distract yourself and have fun. Like how I attempted a Mohawk style (again) before completely shaving off my hair. My sister reminded me later during dinner that I should have shaved from the middle, to the sides as per Jeremy's suggestion. Which I totally forgot! The horror!! That could have been totally HILARIOUS. well, who knows.. maybe I have another chance to be bald again.. but hopefully not for another surgery. Then I'll do that. HEH!
Anyway, I've been meditating on a few verses from the Bible, and I would like to share it here. They are well known verses, but still very personal to me at this point.
Isaiah 40:28-31; 41:10
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
As I ponder upon His Love, His Guidance and the Strength He grants me, I shed tears, amazed at the wonders of His Grace. It may seem odd, but my love for God has increased due to my sickness, as I am made aware of how much I need God in my life. I've been singing this hymn today. It's one of my favorites, and I realized that there are a few versions. One of my favorite covers of this hymn is by Selah. The words remind me of our 2014 CU Camp theme - I love Him because He first loved me, and had redeemed me 2000 years ago. What more, He continues to be my Rock and my Security, especially in times of trouble. I pray that I will continue to praise God no matter what the circumstance... and I look forward to being with God one day.
My Jesus, I love Thee, I know Thou art mine
For Thee all the follies of sin I resign
(My Rock and my Fortress. My Surety Divine) - different version
(My Rock and my Fortress. My Surety Divine) - different version
My Gracious Redeemer, My Saviour art Thou
If ever I love Thee, My Jesus, tis' now.
I love Thee because Thou hast first loved me
And purchased my pardon on Calvary's Tree
I love Thee for wearing the thorns on Thy brow
If ever I love Thee, My Jesus, tis' now.
I will love Thee in life, I will love Thee in death
And praise Thee as long as Thou lendest me breath
And say if the death-dew lie cold on my brow
If ever I love Thee, My Jesus, tis' now.
In mansions of glory and endless delight
I'll ever adore Thee in heaven so bright
I'll sing with the glittering crown on my brow
If ever I love Thee, My Jesus, tis' now.
If ever I love You, My dear Lord Jesus, it is now. Thank You, Lord.
Tuesday, 13 January 2015
waves of emotion
It's 2 days before I am admitted to the hospital yet again for my second surgery. As the days draw nearer, I find myself struggling with my emotions. At times, I feel like I can do this... at times, I break down and cry. Sometimes, when responding to people's questions about how I'm feeling with the upcoming surgery, it triggers flashbacks, making me more fearful and anxious. And I have to do deep breathing exercises and take time to shake it out of my system.
Well, reading this... it's obvious I'm afraid. I think in the past, I would never have admitted to that. Guess I'm beginning to accept my vulnerability more.
In light of my impending surgery, I have been blessed by the people around me - friends who are reminding me that I am not alone, church members and friends who are fasting, praying for me and also sharing Bible Verses to encourage me, and are keeping me in their thoughts, and even a friend and mentor who had me in his thoughts when he was preparing his sermon for Sunday.
To give the gist of the sermon, this whole experience has been my "wilderness experience". An experience that I had no choice but to face, but has drawn me nearer to God. Throughout this wilderness experience, God has also blessed me with little "oases" to refresh my faith and to give me hope.
I had recently attended a funeral of a friend's parent. Hearing the testimony of the mom really inspired me. The songs we sang during the service brought tears to my eyes, as it reminded me of the faithfulness of God in all circumstances - through happiness, heartaches and even in grief.
To be honest, I'm still afraid... but knowing that God is overseeing all things just gives me hope. I just pray that God will equip me for whatever plans He has for me... and to think of it, not just me... but for my loved ones as well. He will prepare all of us for what is to come. I just pray that I will be faithful to follow Him.
This song, "Through It All" spoke to me during the funeral service and it also tied in with what my friend said during the sermon on Sunday itself, which I will personalize now for myself.
My safety isn't dependent on how far away I am from the dangers I face, but on how close I am to God.
I'd like to repost this cartoon (click on the link), as it encouraged me deeply - reminding me that God is the one who is holding on to me, not the other way round. I will fail God more often than not.. but God is forever Faithful to me. And His Arms will carry me through all of time.
Well, reading this... it's obvious I'm afraid. I think in the past, I would never have admitted to that. Guess I'm beginning to accept my vulnerability more.
In light of my impending surgery, I have been blessed by the people around me - friends who are reminding me that I am not alone, church members and friends who are fasting, praying for me and also sharing Bible Verses to encourage me, and are keeping me in their thoughts, and even a friend and mentor who had me in his thoughts when he was preparing his sermon for Sunday.
To give the gist of the sermon, this whole experience has been my "wilderness experience". An experience that I had no choice but to face, but has drawn me nearer to God. Throughout this wilderness experience, God has also blessed me with little "oases" to refresh my faith and to give me hope.
I had recently attended a funeral of a friend's parent. Hearing the testimony of the mom really inspired me. The songs we sang during the service brought tears to my eyes, as it reminded me of the faithfulness of God in all circumstances - through happiness, heartaches and even in grief.
To be honest, I'm still afraid... but knowing that God is overseeing all things just gives me hope. I just pray that God will equip me for whatever plans He has for me... and to think of it, not just me... but for my loved ones as well. He will prepare all of us for what is to come. I just pray that I will be faithful to follow Him.
This song, "Through It All" spoke to me during the funeral service and it also tied in with what my friend said during the sermon on Sunday itself, which I will personalize now for myself.
My safety isn't dependent on how far away I am from the dangers I face, but on how close I am to God.
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness
And I look to You
And I wait on You
I will sing to You, Lord
A hymn of love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness
And I look to You
And I wait on You
I will sing to You, Lord
A hymn of love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Wednesday, 7 January 2015
rollercoaster ride
I've just recently recovered from a bout of diarrhea and vomiting (food poisoning? stomach flu?). Well, I don't know what exactly it was, but I've never experienced that in my life before. This bugged me for several reasons... One, because I can no longer say my stomach is made of steel and I've never had diarrhea before. And the other, due to my purging and vomiting, I lost a lot of water in my system, and that is a pretty big stroke risk there.. Even with me continuously replenishing water, I kept feeling dehydrated. I lived in fear at that point wondering if something bad was going to happen.
I spoke to a friend yesterday about my fears of going back into the OT the second time. Hearing a personal story from her, a struggle of a loved one going through something similar... nearly brought me to tears. Because it felt so real. And I know I will have to go through it in 10 days.
Sometimes I feel hopeful... sometimes I feel lost and afraid. Sometimes I feel like I'm bargaining with God, asking Him to spare me as there are so many things that I've not done yet here on earth... and there are days when I beg God to take me Home. It's been a crazy ride for me. And I realize I'm becoming edgier as my surgery date comes closer. I remember how calm I was, as I was wheeled from my ward to the OT. Sometimes I wonder, will I still feel at peace? Even writing this piece, my hands are trembling... and my eyes are welling up.
I think it doesn't help that I keep replaying in my head the discussion I had with my surgeon in regards to a possible third surgery. I feel overwhelmed. I feel exhausted. I feel... helpless. When will this stop? Will it EVER stop? Also, I've had people saying that "nah.. you won't need the 3rd surgery" or "just stay strong and you'll be OK!" or "you'll be totally fine". I know I've said this before, and till now it still annoys me. Sometimes, these words seem so easy to utter... but little do they know how difficult it is to be in my position. My fears and concerns... so easily dismissed.
My emotions are topsy-turvy right now. I'm trying to enjoy myself now before I go in... but sometimes these things just affect me and I no longer have the mood to do anything. I'm now trying to play my instruments, read a lot, meet up with people... things I'm afraid I can't do if something were to happen during/after surgery. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of dying. I'm quite sure I've mentioned this in a previous post. I'm not afraid of dying... I'm afraid something dreadful happens.. but I don't die... and I have to survive that. Not just me, my family too.
Lord... I'm at a loss now. You know how afraid I am. I don't know what to do. Please... help me.
I spoke to a friend yesterday about my fears of going back into the OT the second time. Hearing a personal story from her, a struggle of a loved one going through something similar... nearly brought me to tears. Because it felt so real. And I know I will have to go through it in 10 days.
Sometimes I feel hopeful... sometimes I feel lost and afraid. Sometimes I feel like I'm bargaining with God, asking Him to spare me as there are so many things that I've not done yet here on earth... and there are days when I beg God to take me Home. It's been a crazy ride for me. And I realize I'm becoming edgier as my surgery date comes closer. I remember how calm I was, as I was wheeled from my ward to the OT. Sometimes I wonder, will I still feel at peace? Even writing this piece, my hands are trembling... and my eyes are welling up.
I think it doesn't help that I keep replaying in my head the discussion I had with my surgeon in regards to a possible third surgery. I feel overwhelmed. I feel exhausted. I feel... helpless. When will this stop? Will it EVER stop? Also, I've had people saying that "nah.. you won't need the 3rd surgery" or "just stay strong and you'll be OK!" or "you'll be totally fine". I know I've said this before, and till now it still annoys me. Sometimes, these words seem so easy to utter... but little do they know how difficult it is to be in my position. My fears and concerns... so easily dismissed.
My emotions are topsy-turvy right now. I'm trying to enjoy myself now before I go in... but sometimes these things just affect me and I no longer have the mood to do anything. I'm now trying to play my instruments, read a lot, meet up with people... things I'm afraid I can't do if something were to happen during/after surgery. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of dying. I'm quite sure I've mentioned this in a previous post. I'm not afraid of dying... I'm afraid something dreadful happens.. but I don't die... and I have to survive that. Not just me, my family too.
Lord... I'm at a loss now. You know how afraid I am. I don't know what to do. Please... help me.
Friday, 2 January 2015
The year that was...
In a blink of an eye, it's already the 3rd day of the new year. As I look back to the year 2014, I wonder what happened to time. 2014 was really eventful and things seem to be a blur.
Personally, it's been a challenging year for me. The struggles I had while staying in Singapore. The many times I felt lost and pushed to the edge due to my convictions about demonstrating God's love, especially to people who were hard to love. I now understand how it's like when people say that they felt their lives came crashing down, upon hearing my diagnosis over the phone. Many changes occurred and I had to force myself to adapt, and to adapt quick. I barely had time to grieve as I had to be on the "get go" to survive.
I've become more and more convinced that the unveiling of my disease was timed by God. If I was told of this disease back in 2011, I don't think I would have be mature enough to handle it. And who knows, if I have not been told yet, I may have already suffered a major stroke by now. God really does equip us to handle every situation that is thrown at us. To be honest, sometimes there are questions that I pose to God -
"Why am I still alive?"
"What is my purpose here?"
"What am I to learn from this disease? this trial?"
"Can I take this any longer?"
It's still surreal. Sometimes I take a step back and am reminded that I did go through a major brain surgery. I know my fear is that I lose my abilities (emotional, physical, psychological, cognitive). The year 2014 taught me that life is fragile and life should not be taken for granted. Looking outside my "box", 2014 was full of tragedy - the MH370, MH17 and even the recent QZ8501. The Sewol cruise ship in Korea that went down. The devastating floods in the east coast. Terrorist attacks all over. People dying for no good reason. My heart goes out to the families who are left behind... People suffering the aftermath of disasters.
I've had several people asking me how I'm coping, and how I'm feeling with the second surgery not too far from the horizon. For the first time in 29 years, I think I've been honest with my feelings. No longer just telling people, "I'm fine" or "I'm ok". I'm learning to share my fears, although I have to add that it is awkward. With my past experience of surgery, it doesn't make it easier for me to go through another one. Just knowing the pain I'll be subjected to, the possible risk of suffering a stroke, the knowledge that I'll be incapacitated for yet another month or so... scares me. With the understanding that my graft is weak and I could be due for a third surgery... depresses me. Well, these news aren't the most joyous, and sometimes I feel obliged to comfort others that I'll be OK. But more often than not, I can't because I don't know what will happen. And I'm afraid that if I keep telling myself that life will be fine, I'm setting myself up for disappointment if things were to go wrong. My realistic standpoint is battling my optimistic side.
At this point, I am meditating on the verses and perspective that my namesake, Mr Francis Dunn, shared during our Girls' Camp gospel night. He reminded us that as humans we fear THREE things.
1. The uncertainty of our future
2. The guilt of our past
3. The inadequacy of our present
BAM! That's me. Can't be anymore accurate than that. I fear for my future, what will happen? I fear for my past, the sins I've committed, the guilt I've been bearing for not doing my best for the Lord at all times. And also me feeling incompetent and inadequate, feeling like I am also unlovable.
To which, Francis Dunn read out a verse.
Psalm 27
In dealing with the uncertainty of my future:
God is my LIGHT at the end of a very dark tunnel. We don't know what is before us, but God will show me the way. I may have my moments of fear and doubt, but I am to trust Him to lead me home.. What more, God loves me and will not lead me astray.
In dealing with the guilt of my past:
God is my SALVATION. He has paid the price and has redeemed me in full. God has demonstrated unconditional love and mercy to me. If I repent of my sins, He wipes my slate clean. I am no longer blemished due to His ultimate sacrifice. And He has freed me from the slavery of sin. Without a doubt, keeping myself from sinning is extremely difficult, but God is here to help me through.
In dealing with the inadequacy of the present:
God is my STRONGHOLD, my STRENGTH of my life. This is definitely something I struggle with. Many a time, I keep depending on my own strength to carry on. But here, God wants me to cling on to Him. He will provide me with whatever I need to strive in challenging situations.
With all this in mind, whom shall I fear? Of whom shall I be afraid? This is definitely easier said than done, but it's a reminder that my God is an all-powerful, all-knowing and all-loving God, who will be with me through it all.
My mind is directed to a song by Chris Tomlin, "Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies)". This song was shared by a friend some time after my recent diagnosis surfaced.
Personally, it's been a challenging year for me. The struggles I had while staying in Singapore. The many times I felt lost and pushed to the edge due to my convictions about demonstrating God's love, especially to people who were hard to love. I now understand how it's like when people say that they felt their lives came crashing down, upon hearing my diagnosis over the phone. Many changes occurred and I had to force myself to adapt, and to adapt quick. I barely had time to grieve as I had to be on the "get go" to survive.
I've become more and more convinced that the unveiling of my disease was timed by God. If I was told of this disease back in 2011, I don't think I would have be mature enough to handle it. And who knows, if I have not been told yet, I may have already suffered a major stroke by now. God really does equip us to handle every situation that is thrown at us. To be honest, sometimes there are questions that I pose to God -
"Why am I still alive?"
"What is my purpose here?"
"What am I to learn from this disease? this trial?"
"Can I take this any longer?"
It's still surreal. Sometimes I take a step back and am reminded that I did go through a major brain surgery. I know my fear is that I lose my abilities (emotional, physical, psychological, cognitive). The year 2014 taught me that life is fragile and life should not be taken for granted. Looking outside my "box", 2014 was full of tragedy - the MH370, MH17 and even the recent QZ8501. The Sewol cruise ship in Korea that went down. The devastating floods in the east coast. Terrorist attacks all over. People dying for no good reason. My heart goes out to the families who are left behind... People suffering the aftermath of disasters.
I've had several people asking me how I'm coping, and how I'm feeling with the second surgery not too far from the horizon. For the first time in 29 years, I think I've been honest with my feelings. No longer just telling people, "I'm fine" or "I'm ok". I'm learning to share my fears, although I have to add that it is awkward. With my past experience of surgery, it doesn't make it easier for me to go through another one. Just knowing the pain I'll be subjected to, the possible risk of suffering a stroke, the knowledge that I'll be incapacitated for yet another month or so... scares me. With the understanding that my graft is weak and I could be due for a third surgery... depresses me. Well, these news aren't the most joyous, and sometimes I feel obliged to comfort others that I'll be OK. But more often than not, I can't because I don't know what will happen. And I'm afraid that if I keep telling myself that life will be fine, I'm setting myself up for disappointment if things were to go wrong. My realistic standpoint is battling my optimistic side.
At this point, I am meditating on the verses and perspective that my namesake, Mr Francis Dunn, shared during our Girls' Camp gospel night. He reminded us that as humans we fear THREE things.
1. The uncertainty of our future
2. The guilt of our past
3. The inadequacy of our present
BAM! That's me. Can't be anymore accurate than that. I fear for my future, what will happen? I fear for my past, the sins I've committed, the guilt I've been bearing for not doing my best for the Lord at all times. And also me feeling incompetent and inadequate, feeling like I am also unlovable.
To which, Francis Dunn read out a verse.
Psalm 27
1 The Lord is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
In dealing with the uncertainty of my future:
God is my LIGHT at the end of a very dark tunnel. We don't know what is before us, but God will show me the way. I may have my moments of fear and doubt, but I am to trust Him to lead me home.. What more, God loves me and will not lead me astray.
In dealing with the guilt of my past:
God is my SALVATION. He has paid the price and has redeemed me in full. God has demonstrated unconditional love and mercy to me. If I repent of my sins, He wipes my slate clean. I am no longer blemished due to His ultimate sacrifice. And He has freed me from the slavery of sin. Without a doubt, keeping myself from sinning is extremely difficult, but God is here to help me through.
In dealing with the inadequacy of the present:
God is my STRONGHOLD, my STRENGTH of my life. This is definitely something I struggle with. Many a time, I keep depending on my own strength to carry on. But here, God wants me to cling on to Him. He will provide me with whatever I need to strive in challenging situations.
With all this in mind, whom shall I fear? Of whom shall I be afraid? This is definitely easier said than done, but it's a reminder that my God is an all-powerful, all-knowing and all-loving God, who will be with me through it all.
My mind is directed to a song by Chris Tomlin, "Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies)". This song was shared by a friend some time after my recent diagnosis surfaced.
You hear me when I call
You are my morning song
Though darkness fills the night
It cannot hide the light
Whom shall I fear?
You crush the enemy
Underneath my feet
You are my Sword and Shield
Though troubles linger still
Whom shall I fear?
Chorus:
I know Who goes before me
I know Who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The One who reigns forever
He is a Friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
My strength is in Your name
For You alone can save
You will deliver me
Yours is the victory
Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
Bridge:
And nothing formed against me shall stand
You hold the whole world in your hands
I'm holding onto Your promises
You are faithful
You are faithful
And nothing formed against me shall stand
You hold the whole world in your hands
I'm holding onto Your promises
You are faithful
You are faithful
You are faithful
Outro:
The God of angel armies is always by my side
As I look forward to year 2015, I am reminded that being a child of God does not mean that I will not go through any suffering, but He will journey alongside me during my trials. I pray that I will never forget that my Father in Heaven is always beside me, going before me and also standing behind me. He is my Friend and will deliver me from my troubles.
As I look forward to year 2015, I am reminded that being a child of God does not mean that I will not go through any suffering, but He will journey alongside me during my trials. I pray that I will never forget that my Father in Heaven is always beside me, going before me and also standing behind me. He is my Friend and will deliver me from my troubles.
Sunday, 28 December 2014
something I just noticed
From my recent post, I spoke about having "group therapy" with my batchmates, and I was suddenly reminded of a question that was directed to me.
"If you could change something in your life, what would it be and why?" (I'm sorta paraphrasing here, i think but that's the gist of the question).
I remember my mind went blank when this question was posed and I had to take sometime to ponder before answering that I wished to be more assertive due to the tendency that I get pushed around. (and now I wonder why my memory for this particular event is so clear..)
I just realized... I didn't wish that I wouldn't have Moyamoya disease. But as I thought of that, a still small voice told me that suffering this disease had taught me to cling on to God tighter, and I had experienced God's love and love from others more than I've ever believed to have been loved. And it had taught me lessons of life and death, compassion and grief, resilience, brokenness, joy, anger, hope, etc.
Things do happen for a reason. I think something I need to remind myself is that I can sit, pout and sulk throughout all my life experiences, but there is always something to learn from it. I admit, sometimes I want to pull all my hair out (not that I have much now anyway) from my frustrations and feelings of hopelessness, and I don't know what God is teaching me. But that's the thing... maybe we may find out one day.. maybe we won't... but am I willing to submit to God's Timing and Will for me.
Life isn't a bed of roses. I don't think it was ever meant to be. Being God's Child doesn't mean I won't suffer. I will still have countless days where I will struggle and feel helpless. But I must never forget that He is in control.
"If you could change something in your life, what would it be and why?" (I'm sorta paraphrasing here, i think but that's the gist of the question).
I remember my mind went blank when this question was posed and I had to take sometime to ponder before answering that I wished to be more assertive due to the tendency that I get pushed around. (and now I wonder why my memory for this particular event is so clear..)
I just realized... I didn't wish that I wouldn't have Moyamoya disease. But as I thought of that, a still small voice told me that suffering this disease had taught me to cling on to God tighter, and I had experienced God's love and love from others more than I've ever believed to have been loved. And it had taught me lessons of life and death, compassion and grief, resilience, brokenness, joy, anger, hope, etc.
Things do happen for a reason. I think something I need to remind myself is that I can sit, pout and sulk throughout all my life experiences, but there is always something to learn from it. I admit, sometimes I want to pull all my hair out (not that I have much now anyway) from my frustrations and feelings of hopelessness, and I don't know what God is teaching me. But that's the thing... maybe we may find out one day.. maybe we won't... but am I willing to submit to God's Timing and Will for me.
Life isn't a bed of roses. I don't think it was ever meant to be. Being God's Child doesn't mean I won't suffer. I will still have countless days where I will struggle and feel helpless. But I must never forget that He is in control.
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