Giving thanks with a grateful heart

I've been having crazy migraines of late, but the post isn't about that today.

By the grace of God, I managed to conduct a guest lecture for the senior batch of the HELP Clin Psych program. Who would have thought I'd be speaking about neurological diseases. Praise God that He gave me the courage to be vulnerable, and to share my experience as a patient and also as a therapist.

I had an amazing time with the students as they were very engaging and forthcoming. I was deeply touched by their honesty in their sharing, and the affirmations they so generously gave me. To know that I have inspired them to look at life differently and to be better therapists for neuro clients - is one of the most fulfilling experiences in my life.

One of the questions posed to me was, what gives me hope in the midst of such a horrible disease?
The answer that popped straight in my head was God. God has given me hope in what seems to be a hopeless situation.

Sure, I have Moyamoya... but through this disease, I see how God works in my life and how He blesses me in the midst of pain and suffering.

Do I experience hardships and heartaches due to my disease? Definitely. But I also experience the comfort He gives me. There are days when I struggle more and there are days when things feel better. But He is always there.

A dear friend today came to support me at my talk today and she also shared her thoughts of how it was like, sitting in my lecture. Some of it, I never realized I had done, but upon reflection of her words, helped me see that I am beginning to accept the "new" me. That I am slowly moving towards being a "wounded healer".

Thank You, Father, for giving me the opportunity to impact young lives. I'm so blessed to still be able to serve You, what more in ways that I am passionate about.

As I was writing this blog, the song Give Thanks kept ringing in my ear. And it struck me... more often than not, we tend to be grateful when good things come our way.
Do we give thanks when we are struggling?
Do we give thanks for the light at the end of the tunnel?
Do we give thanks to God for being with us throughout our struggles?

Well, I'm guilty of not doing that for the most part. But today, it made me realize that God always deserves our praise and adoration because of His undying love for us. It is actually through His Love, His Grace and His Strength that we can have hope :)

GIVE THANKS

Give thanks with a grateful heart

Give thanks to the Holy One

Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son

And now, let the weak say "I am strong"

Let the poor say, "I am rich"

Because of what the Lord has done for us

Give thanks

Open My Eyes, Lord...

Of late, I have been struggling a lot with my poor health. Some days I'm OK with it, some days it's harder to pull through...

I sought a second opinion today about my condition. Let's just say that it's been overwhelming. But today, I don't want to focus on that. Instead, I'd like to reflect on what I learned from a dear brother on Sunday morning.

Brother Peng Kit's sharing on Sunday provided me with much-needed encouragement as he expounded on 2 Kings 6. To summarize the context of this chapter, the King of Aram had surrounded the city where Elisha was in hopes of capturing him. Naturally, Elisha's servant was terrified that the enemy's army was ready to strike, exclaiming, "what shall we do?"

And this was Elisha's reply (reading from 2 Kings 6:16-17):

16 “Don’t be afraid,” the prophet answered. “Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.”

17 And Elisha prayed, “Open his eyes, Lord, so that he may see.” Then the Lord opened the servant’s eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

These few sentences touched me:
"Don't be afraid"
"Those who are with us are more than those who are with them"
"Open his eyes, Lord, so that he may see"

More often than not, my journey with Moyamoya feels like a really lonely one. Few people understand the pain and the struggle this disease brings. To some, like me, it's an invisible disorder. I look healthy from the outside, but my brain and functioning is in chaos.

Verses 16 and 17 was a gentle reminder that I do not need to fear as God is on my side and is in control of this battle. He is watching over me and his angels are surrounding me.

Brother Peng Kit called on us to pray for God to open our eyes that we can see what He is doing in our lives. Sometimes, we can't see His work or we are clueless to what His will is for us. Sometimes, I don't know what this personal struggle is for. I don't know what I am to learn from this. I need to earnestly pray that God will reveal to me what He is doing and to help me reject the devious lies of the devil that I am suffering alone.

As I was meditating upon these verses, a hymn that I love to sing came to me. Upon reading the lyrics of this hymn, I found it so appropriate for it to be my prayer to God - not only to open my eyes to see His work in me, but for my ears to be open to His Truths, my mouth to openly share about His love for me, and my mind to be open to His Word, so that I am walking the right path with Him and continue to be a good testimony for Him.

After going through youtube, I found this slow rendition of the hymn, and the girl sings it so beautifully. Unfortunately, she does not sing all 4 verses of the hymn. But I still love it.

Open My Eyes

Open my eyes that I may see
Glimpses of truth Thou hast for me;
Place in my hands the wonderful key
That shall unclasp and set me free. 

Chorus:

Silently now I wait for Thee,
Ready, my God, Thy will to see;
Open my eyes, illumine me,
    Spirit Divine!

Open my ears that I may hear
Voices of truth Thou sendest clear;
And while Your whispers fall on my ear,
Everything false will disappear.

Open my mouth and let me bear
Tidings of mercy everywhere;
Open my heart and let me prepare
Love with Thy children thus to share.

Open my mind that I may read
More of Thy love in word and deed;
What shall I fear while yet Thou dost lead?
Only for light from Thee I plead.

Open my eyes, Lord... Teach me to be ready to see Your Will...

Remembering 2015

I can't believe today is the last day of 2015. It's been a year of mixed feelings. An eventful year, and yet... I feel like I did not do much. Many times I had to sit back instead of joining joyous occasions because my health wouldn't permit me to participate.

As I attempt to quieten myself and be more aware of how I treated myself, I realize I'm rather unforgiving towards myself. I tend to hold high expectations of myself... And I'm slowly uncovering how this pattern came about. I can't wait to start my spiritual direction sessions.

One question that has been popping up in my head is "am I OK?"

To be honest. I don't know what is the answer to that question. I seem to have been going with the flow, at times feeling helpless. I've been exhausted. Even reflecting and pondering while writing this blog, mentally drains me and I feel I need a nap to recover from the exhaustion.

One thing I want to remind myself is that my journey is still unpredictable and uncertain, but I hope I will never forget that God is holding my hand and He is in control. Please Lord, I pray that You will continue to guide me and to comfort me when I'm discouraged. Your mercies are new every morning.

When words escape me

Today, I experienced a breakdown... After struggling for quite some time, and having held back frustration and anger, I was going to explode.

I'm feeling drained... Discouraged...

As I cried, this song came to my head.. It has become my prayer..

La La La

If a picture's worth a thousand words, what are they?
And since Your spirit intercedes for me
What do You hear when I pray?

'Cause I'm finding it hard to find the words
To let You know how my heart can hurt
So I'll sing a tune and let You fill in the words

La la la
La la la
La la la

It's comforting to know my words aren't all You hear
I can talk to You with laughter
And I can talk to You in tears

And I don't have to know just what to say
For You to hear me when I pray
So I'll sing a part and let you read my heart

La la la
La la la
La la la

'Cause I'm finding it hard to find the words
To let You know how my heart can hurt
So I'll sing a tune and let You fill in the words

La la la
La la la
La la la

A reminder from God

Going to church last Sunday was not easy as I was in a lot of pain... my head felt like exploding and my body ached. It was difficult to keep myself together then and I was wondering how I was going to last with such pain..

A brother in church shared one of my favorite hymns to sing to the Lord. and the words reminded me that God had created the world and is aware of every single thing that is happening. He had also orchestrated and carried out a plan to save us all from our sin. 

It was a reminder that God knows my pain, that God knows my troubles. Yes, I'm struggling.. I'm suffering... but He is still in control. I don't know what is going on... there are so many uncertainties... but the certainty that I can have is that God is in control and that He cares. 

HOW GREAT THOU ART

O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.

Refrain:
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

Refrain

When through the woods, and forest glades I wander,
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees.
When I look down, from lofty mountain grandeur
And see the brook, and feel the gentle breeze.

Refrain

And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.

Refrain

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"

 

confusion

I haven't been well the past month, with the terrible haze looming over KL, it's intensifying my health issues. This has made me feel a general weakness that seems pretty hard to shake off. 

Sometimes it feels like I'm slipping back into a low mood. Trying to persevere and allow myself to be in the present with my emotions. Not easy.

Another thing that has been bothering is how my mind is preoccupied with the past. Some friendships seem to puzzle me. Sometimes my weakness is that I care too much. How do I separate myself from people's emotions and their experiences? Tired of being taken advantage of but I can't seem to stop caring for people. 

Boy, I need help. 

A Birthday Wish

Well, it's official. I have turned 30. Friends of mine joke about how I'm aging. Sometimes it doesn't feel that way though.. not mentally at least.

However, a dear friend of mine, Katrina, commented that it took a lot for us to get here. And you know what, I totally agree with her. We managed to survive and get to the age of 30, even with all our health problems and struggles. It's an achievement, getting to where we are right now. It may not be much to some people, but it means a lot to us.

To be honest, I did have some concerns turning 30... it wasn't about the age factor, but I have a fear that I would suffer a major stroke at this age. I know it's no use worrying about it, and I don't have much thought about it. But once a while it surfaces... and then it goes away.

I think I have changed somewhat since my surgeries. But I guess it's also me just taking in my life experiences. Trying to take things one at a time. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful I survived both brain surgeries... but sometimes I'm exhausted. And I thank God that He gives me reminders from time to time not to pressure myself so much. That I should take things slowly. I admit it's not easy though. It is still something I need to be consciously aware of.

Of late, I've been retreating into my shell a lot more. Sometimes I feel detached from others. I find that I don't really have strong attachments with others. Sometimes I yearn for connection, but more often than not, I'm afraid that I'd be rejected, so I just withdraw. I guess this is just me at this time. I'm still trying to adapt to the changes in my life. And finding someone who understands my situation isn't easy. I notice that I may slip in and out of my low moods at times.. feeling helpless and isolated from others. Sometimes I feel better, and that I can move on.

My birthday wish as I turn 30, is that...
I will be more at peace. With God, myself and with my relationships.
I will not be so hard on myself, and to let my healing process take its course at its own timing.
I will be able to make sense of my life experiences and to support others who are feeling the way I do.
I will find rest and relief in God.
I will continue to trust that God is in control and will watch over me.

Psalms 121 is still my favorite Psalm and I'd like to share it again here. This Psalm is my birthday prayer for myself.

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

7 The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.