adding to the list

Sometimes I wish I would get a break. Recently, I realize how weak I feel. It sucks. From being someone who has been rather physically strong. Noticing that my strength is weakening is definitely very humbling.

Anyway, my GP just added another diagnosis to my cocktail of illnesses. Osteochondritis. The doctor said it is an inflammation of the muscle. But i've looked it up in the web and it talks about necrosis of the cartilage lining. Something to do with lack of blood supply... and i wonder if this is related to my Moyamoya.

Sigh. Just give me a day free of pain. That's all I ask. I'm so drained.

Emotions... lots of them

I've been feeling rather emotional - envy, sadness, frustration, insecurity, helplessness... And it's due to many reasons. Yeah, a lot of negative vibe around me right now. I'm aware why I'm feeling them and what's contributing to them... but I'm ashamed to admit it. Sometimes I feel like my depression is setting back in again. Sometimes... I wonder why I even bother. Why do I feel so much? It sucks. I feel trapped in my wave of emotions, that seems to be attacking me and weighing me down.

Sometimes I ask myself why I try so hard? Why do I set certain standards? Are they really too idealistic? Life feels so unfair. I've really tried really hard. Maybe it's because I'm indirect? I don't know. I'm feeling so drained, lost and alone. I know with me feeling depressed, my perceptions are tainted (hopefully). I just wish I could get out of this. It feels so debilitating.

I feel like I'm spiraling down to depths of despair. I cry so easily... but only behind closed doors. Sometimes when talking to people, it takes a lot for me to hold back tears. The person who has witnessed most of my crying now is my spiritual director. Lord, please help me...

sigh.

discouraged

In a blink of an eye, it's already March 2017... and I've yet to go back to work. Things I'm interested to do... and yet, doors seem to be closing. Are they even ajar? I don't know. It was tough making a decision to take a sabbatical, but it was much needed for my recovery.

Now that I'm thinking of going back to work, I'm drowning with mixed feelings - the drive to prove to myself that I can still be productive and work albeit part-time, but on the other hand I'm feeling nervous and afraid that I can't do it.  Also it doesn't help that I notice that people treat me differently, knowing that I have my disease. My condition will always create a barrier for me to work. It sucks to realize that there may be people who would not consider me to help with projects anymore since my surgeries... or that I'm sidelined because of my illness.

It really sucks... This is still something I've not learned to accept. It's a difficult road for me to take. I tear whenever I think of my current situation, my predicament of wanting to prove that I still have got what it takes, that I'm still capable... and yet, I have this overwhelming fear that I've lost my abilities. I can't even function a day without taking a long nap. And this is with me not even working.

I told my spiritual director (SD) that it feels like my self esteem has been chipping away slowly. I can see she feels for me. What is the lesson behind this, Lord? What am I supposed to learn? Have you been trying to teach me to be more reliant and dependent on You? From someone who was so strong, I have been brought to my knees... I realize even the seemingly simple things that I didn't need to think of much in the past, I have to think through carefully with much prayer.

It's hard for me to turn down work now, but sometimes I feel I need to because of my concern that I can't cope. I just wish God would take away my symptoms. I'm happy for those who had undergone surgery and are now fully functioning... why couldn't that be me?

My SD asked me if I felt that even in my limited being right now... is it enough for God? My head tells me yes. I know He loves unconditionally... but it's really hard to feel like a handicap, but not like like one. I'm jealous of opportunities that pass me by... opportunities that could have fallen to me if not for my condition. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for the people who get these opportunities, but I just wish I stood a chance to have them too.

I came across this article , "Lord, Prepare Me to End Well" which talks about me decreasing in order for Christ to increase and was in the case of John the Baptist. Is this what God is trying to teach me? That I need to reduce the reliance on myself so that I can focus more on Christ? Reading this article.. it touches on Ecclesiastes... and a "time to lose". It really feels as though I'm at that stage right now. So much of me has been lost. I think sometimes I don't know who I am anymore. What's my identity? So much has changed.

I read this paragraph and my eyes were glued to it. Maybe this is the prayer I need to pray...
"Whatever it takes, Lord, increase my love for your supremacy and my trust in your wise purposes so that, when it’s time for me to step out of something to which you had appointed me for a season, I will receive the decrease in personal influence with joyful faith"

It feels really lonely sometimes... I wish people understood how hard it is for me to struggle with this daily. Please help me, Lord. I really don't know what to do. I can only cry out to You for comfort, peace and guidance.

Sigh...

Looking forward to 2017

Yet another year whizzes past. It's the year 2017.

I spent the New Year sleeping most of it off due to my migraines. You know, you would think that with me having to take frequent breaks and sleeping when its too hard to function during my migraines, that I'd be used to it by now. Somehow, it still bugs me.

However, I can't seem to shake off the thought that maybe that's exactly what God is trying to teach me - that I need to take time to rest. To take time for myself. Being vulnerable and feeling weak is always difficult.

As this new year starts... well its already 4 days into the new year. And I'm trying to explore my choices in terms of work, I just pray that I will learn to have patience. Patience with myself, patient with my new pace, slow as it may seem.

So many challenges ahead really. But I think one thing that I've been meditating about is that I would continue to have hope. I pray that I will also continue to have faith that the Lord is in control, and that I will still love Him no matter what happens. May the Joy of the Lord always be my strength. I know I can be quite an anxious person as well... anxious about others more often sometimes.. so I pray that the Peace that passeth all understanding will envelope me.

Love. Joy. Faith. Love. Peace.

GCC 2016's camp theme song seems to be very apt as I look into living another year. Here is to the experiences of 2017. May the Lord be with me always.

There is A Hope

There is a hope that burns within my heart,

That gives me strength for every passing day;

A glimpse of glory now revealed in meagre part,

Yet drives all doubt away:

I stand in Christ, with sins forgiven;

And Christ in me, the hope of heaven!

My highest calling and my deepest joy,

To make His will my home.

There is a hope that lifts my weary head,

A consolation strong against despair,

That when the world has plunged me in its deepest pit,

I find the Saviour there!

Through present sufferings, future's fear,

He whispers 'courage' in my ear.

For I am safe in everlasting arms,

And they will lead me home.

There is a hope that stands the test of time,

That lifts my eyes beyond the beckoning grave,

To see the matchless beauty of a day divine

When I behold His face!

When sufferings cease and sorrows die,

And every longing satisfied.

Then joy unspeakable will flood my soul,

For I am truly home

Breathe, Just Breathe...

In a blink of an eye, it's now December 2016. The year is wrapping up. I have not been working (officially) for 9 months. I realize that my inability to work has really messed me up internally. Many nights I cry and plead to God, wondering why He would allow this to happen. There are so many things that I want to do. I want to serve Him! If He gave me a heart of compassion, why didn't He give me an able body to go with it?

Looking back, I think it was His plan for me to have my sessions with my Spiritual Director. I remember a session when I told her about this, and she asked me how I saw God in the event of me seemingly not doing anything. My response, "surely God doesn't want me to just sit around and not do anything". I saw God as the disciplinarian, the taskmaster who would be angry and disappointed at me for not working.

This year, the story of Mary and Martha has been coming back to me over and over again. And I've always related with Martha more than Mary. Martha the Do-er, in my perspective, was just trying to do things to please the Lord. So why shouldn't Mary join her in service? This year, I had to slowly learn and understand that Jesus was actually more pleased that Mary decided to sit at His feet, to commune with Him. The relationship was more important.

With my second sister returning from her CrossConnect training, she shared that we tend to be bogged down by all the things we have to do, how many lives we need to transform.

"Come, follow Me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." (Matthew 4:19)

Jesus didn't say that we were to be fishers of men on our own. Jesus told the men he approached to join and follow Him. Over the next three years, apart from equipping them as His disciples, He showed them love and had a close relationship with his disciples. Never in the Bible did Jesus tell them to just do and get busy... but to BE. To BE his disciples. To LIVE as His disciples. To have that relationship with Him.

My sister shared this song which made me want to tear because it had the words, "to rest at His feet". I related with the song because it sang about feeling left behind and that there are so many things to do. Just the feeling of being overwhelmed...Truly, God has been speaking to me. That I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I've been pushing myself hard, to prove my worth, to make myself feel better by getting busy. It's still a struggle but I'm really trying to work on being OK with my current limitations.

I'd like to share the song here. The lyrics are in the video itself. May whoever who reads this find peace and comfort through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Chorus:

Breathe, just breathe
Come and rest at My feet
And be, just BE
Chaos calls but all you really need
Is to just breathe

Need a hole

it's been a long time since I wrote anything. Quite a lot of things seem to have happened recently. In a nutshell, I am planning a trip to Nepal, I have been asked to do music gigantic and I was asked to hone back my clinical skills by seeing someone.

I've had a lot of self doubt - whether going back to therapy is something I can even do. Was persuaded by someone I really respect to take on a case. Things didn't turn out so well. At the back of my head, I know that I shouldn't be feeling guilty because my client would be making their own decisions, but I do wonder if I could have done things differently. Feeling inadequate and incompetent right now. Maybe I should have declined and not give it a go when I was already doubting myself.

It's like my nightmare coming true. My failings are happening now. Just dealing with this setback too has given me intense migraines. Sigh.. I really don't know what to do. I feel so lost and alone.

Making A Choice

For quite a long time, I've been feeling disempowered by my current condition. I've been focusing on how things were like in the past and missing my old self. I'm still grieving the loss of my past talents - being able to read deep/insightful books, playing my musical instruments with ease, being able to work long hours, etc.

A friend recently reminded me that I have choices. I can choose to dwell in my sadness, to hold on to my past.... or I can choose to embrace my new self and be happy, joyful even. She reminded me that it may be more difficult now for me to enjoy the things that came to me easily, but nonetheless, I can still enjoy them... I just need to pace myself and be patient with myself.

We have no obligations, only opportunities.

This sentence is filling my mind. I can make a choice to make things different. My life can still be fulfilling even with my limitations. There are a lot of things I need to adapt to, but I can do it. I just need to give myself ample time and to be nice to myself.

I know I tend to be really hard on myself... it doesn't help when people add the stress on to me. But I think I need to be ok with myself. That's most important. It's not an easy road to travel... but I need to do this. I need to move on.  It's OK to grieve, but I need to look ahead.

Just last weekend, I attended a funeral and a wedding, one after another. What intrigued me was that both chose the same song... One song that was appropriate for both a mournful and joyful event. That song was "10000 Reasons" by Matt Redman. The title of the song made me realize... really, in all situations... we can praise our God for being our comforter and friend, as He is forever faithful in whatever circumstances we find ourselves in. As I grieve my own circumstances... He is with me. As I try to look ahead and move on, He is still with me...

10,000 REASONS

Bless the Lord O my soul

O my soul

Worship His Holy name

Sing like never before

O my soul

I’ll worship Your Holy name

The sun comes up

It’s a new day dawning

It’s time to sing Your song again

Whatever may pass

And whatever lies before me

Let me be singing

When the evening comes

You’re rich in love

And You’re slow to anger

Your name is great

And Your heart is kind

For all Your goodness

I will keep on singing

Ten thousand reasons

For my heart to find

And on that day

When my strength is failing

The end draws near

And my time has come

Still my soul will

Sing Your praise unending

Ten thousand years

And then forevermore