Act of Love

I just wanted to put this whatsapp message that I received, here to be reminded of the deep love I felt from my friends who gave so generously. I literally sobbed while reading the message, knowing that I am not alone and am supported by my dear friends. 

"Dear Frances, CNY is a time of prosperity and abundance. We would like to contribute a little angpow packet with a small amount of cash to support your wellness journey, and wishing you prosperity in divine health! Despite your many many visits to and fro the hospitals, you've never shown negativity or complained but always displayed strength, courage and so much hope/optimism. We admire your strength and tenacity and just felt the need to remind you that we as your friends are here to support you. This money may not be enough for anything significant really, but please receive our blessings to you and know that we are always here to support you through your journey. Gong xi fa cai! 🧧Love, Lilian Emma Puisan & LingWei"

Grappling with Time and Plans

With my ongoing battle with illnesses, my plans do get disrupted from time to time. Even time itself feels uncertain as I have a timebomb in my head. Within these few years, I've lost dear ones - Uncle Loi, Wai Sheng, Andrew, etc - people I never expected to die before me. I've been living with the knowledge that I am chronically ill for more than 10 years, some days harder than others... and yet I'm still here. 

Whenever a person dies after a (relatively) short battle with illness, I realize that I will be thrown into survival guilt as I question why God has chosen to keep me alive but not for these other people. I don't think I'll ever know the anwer till I do meet God one day but my resolve is to just live meaningfully till He does take me Home.

Sometimes, especially the days when I am unable to function due to my debilitating migraines/pains, I worry that I'm wasting my time. I end up with an internal struggle as a part of me knows that this is not what I'd wish for myself - being bedridden. Yet another part of me is frustrated because I am so limited in my energy and physical ability. While I am less hard on myself in recent years, this internal dilemma does pop up once a while. One of the biggest struggles I have is - where is Safe Haven going? We didn't have any projects last year because I was busy dealing with my health. This year, I've got even more medical appointments, even an upcoming surgery in March. Is it just an excuse I am giving myself when this in itself was my passion project? Do I even have the capacity to lead? 

As 2023 was nearing it's end, I've been meditating on these three verses a lot: 

~ Proverbs 16:9
"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps"

~ Proverbs 19:21
"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails"

~ Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path"

At the end of the day, the biggest lesson for me from these passages is that God is Sovereign and All-knowing. He sees the big picture - something a finite being like me would have difficulty comprehending. It also makes me realize that I can only plan so much, but He will be the one guiding and leading the way. Being a planner and perfectionist is hard as my need for control can be rather problematic. Sometimes I need to remind myself that I am not god and that I really don't know everything or what is best, and I need to trust in the One who does. Frankly, I still don't know what will happen to Safe Haven but I will try to trust that God will lead me to do what is needed and will equip and provide for the team as well. Maybe He will do something that is beyond what I can even imagine.
 
This reminds me of the passage in Isaiah 55:8-9

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts."

So the bigger question for me is - am I aligned to His Will? Do I strive to serve His purpose? Honestly, how does that even look like? How will I please Him? Am I doing things just for my own gratification? Can I be flexible and accept when things do not turn out the way I envision them to be but trust that whatever happens, God intends them to still turn out for good (Romans 8:28)

Dear Father, please help me to humble myself before You. You know there are many things I want to do but Lord, slow me down if necessary. Teach me to sit at Your feet, to know You more and more and not just get caught up with distractions that may pull me further from You. Please Lord, help me to be sensitive to Your nudging and that I will be faithful to the work You've set forth for me and that I will honor the time You have granted me here on earth. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

This hymn came to mind as I reflected on what I've written here. I pray that this too will be my prayer.

Open My Eyes That I May See

Open my eyes that I may see
Glimpses of truth Thou hast for me
Place in my hands the wonderful key
That hall unclasp and set me free

        Silently now I wait for Thee
        Ready, my God, Thy will to see
        Open my eyes, illumine me
        Spirit Divine

Open my ears that I may hear
Voices of truth Thou sendest clear
And while the wave notes fall on my ear
Everything false will disappear

Open my mouth and let me bear
Tidings of mercy everywhere
Open my heart and let me prepare
Love with Thy children thus to share

Open my mind that I may read
More of Thy love in word and deed
What shall I fear while yet Thou dost lead
Only for light from Thee I plead

Finding Footing Beneath the Cross of Jesus

 In church today, I noticed my emotions pulled in all directions.

This song really resonated with me today. I've been on survival mode, feeling weary and yet I've also experienced small blessings and moments of joy scattered here and there. While I give room for these mixed feelings to exist together, it's a needed reminder to continue fixing my eyes on Jesus - the One who provides a safe haven for me, and have cleansed me from my sin from His finished work on the cross.

This song brought tears to my eyes as we sang it during service:

Beneath the cross of Jesus

I fain would take my stand

the shadow of a mighty Rock

within a weary land

a home within the wilderness

a rest upon the way

from the burning of the noontide heat

and the burden of the day

O safe and happy shelter

O refuge tried and sweet

O trysting place, where Heaven's love

and Heaven's justice meet

As to the holy patriach

that wondrous dream was given

So seems my Saviour's cross to me

a ladder up to Heaven

There lies beneath it's shadow

But on the farther side

The darkness of an awful grave

that gapes both deep and wide

and there between us stands the cross

two arms outstretched to save

like a watchman set to guard the way

from that eternal grave

Upon the cross of Jesus

mine eyes at times can see

the very dying form of One

who suffered therefor me

and from my stricken heart with tears

two wonders I confess

the wonders of His glorious love

and my unworthiness

I take, O cross, thy shadow

for my abiding place

I ask no other sunshine than

the sunshin of His face

content to let the world go by

to know no gain nor loss

my sinful self my only shame

my glory all the cross

Sitting with Emotions

 In a blink of an eye, we're in the middle of April 2023. 

In the past few months:

- we hired an amazing helper that has very much become part of our family

- we managed to get SHA registered which is a HUGE win

- I've been trying to go back to work a little bit more now that I am not caregiving alone

- I'm reconnecting with some friends from the past while maintaining the close relationships I currently have, and also trying to let go of some friendships that have fizzled out 

- despite our best efforts of keeping mom active (physically and mentally) and exposing her to social interactions, mom seems to be deteriorating. 

- my own health has been topsy-turvy as I experience all kinds of symptoms on a daily basis that it has pretty much become my "new normal".

Suffice to say, it's been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I find myself just focusing on a day to day basis. It's also forced me to be very intentional and very self-aware of my limitations and capabilities. Really counting my spoons. 

Expectations of Self

As I was listening and observing conversations during a committee meeting I was in, I realized how much I tend to push myself - and I hardly question my frequent disregard of my own needs. My body has been literally throwing signals left, right and center at me, but I have been choosing to ignore them, pushing myself as hard as possible - especially when my to-do list seems unending. My symptoms have been flaring up more often, and the pain is getting more intense. I often have this sharp pain where my muscle tear used to be. Literally, i feel like my back is breaking from the strain. 

I feel helpless with my own situation... while i notice that i'm doing other stuff to feel some sense of control. I've barely been earning an income, but i've been busy with my initiative. Don't get me wrong, I love what i'm doing.. but i recognize that this is not sustainable for the long run. But sometimes I ask myself - how much time do I have left? And with the way I'm doing things, I may just be quickening my death. 

I notice that I'm quick to put on a facade. That's just me, really. I've been avoiding telling people about how I'm really doing, at times just oversimplifying what's happening or just sidestepping the question about my wellbeing entirely. 

The cracks in my system is becoming more apparent. It's getting harder to cope. :( 

The Beauty and Complexity of Life

Got to watch this fascinating movie with Kat recently, titled "Everything Everywhere All at Once", starring our very own Michelle Yeoh who did an awesome job, I have to say. After the movie, it got me thinking about how life would have been different if I made different choices, or if my circumstances were altered, even just the slightest bit. 

Sometimes I teether between the reality of my deteriorating body and being hopeful that my determination to live will help me conquer this "battle". But then I'm grounded by news of the passing of people who have my condition. And it makes me appreciate how life is really so precious. I know that many will say that being 37, i'm still young - my mind agrees but my body, not so much. But to compare myself with, say, an 8 year old child who lost his life to this disease, I've have the opportunity to experience life more than him. Both the good and the bad experiences, of course..

It got me to think, what if I was diagnosed earlier or if my illness progressed much faster when I was a child? I believe I would have very drastically different life experiences if that were the case. My life would have headed to very different tangents. My friends that I cherish with my life, may not even be present as I may not have had met them. 

That said, this could go on to an endless spiral of unhelpful "what ifs". But I'm thankful for the life experiences I've had so far. It's not been an easy journey, but again... I wouldn't trade the connections I've made with people I care deeply for. Sure, there are some relationships that have faded, some experiences that were painful. But that's the reality of being human. 

I know I have the tendency to fall into bouts of low moods, and to see things from a bleak perspective, especially when times get really difficult. And i'm OK with that. I know that I need that space to grief. But I do worry that I may end up depressing others and contributing to their sense of helplessness. Something switched in me this week though. After listening to the song, "Almost Home", I really did get a second wind in some ways, when I wanted to try to persevere and press on albeit the exhaustion and literal physical pain i'm experiencing 24/7. But I hope that I can continue to be authentic with myself and others. To take in every experience as a God-given gift, and to continue to make memories and make meaning in life. 

Lord, please grant me strength and wisdom to live each day as my last - that I won't take my life for granted and that I will appreciate the little things.  

Conversations with Myself & God

I tend to be really hard on myself while being compassionate and more understanding towards other people who may be in similar predicaments as I am. 

These few months have been challenging. I have been wrestling with God and myself as I try to make sense of what's happening to me, particularly my physical health. And I see the impact it has on my mental and emotional health as well. Its times like these, that makes me glad that I'm a psychologist as my training has taught me to be reflective. 

To counter my unrealistic expectations of myself, I have recently started this practice of writing notes to myself - words of affirmation, and to normalize and empathize with myself the grief I have been feeling. I'm giving myself the safe space to grieve and mourn with myself, as I recognize my ability to function seems to be chipping away, and more things going wrong for my body, and not to mention the more frequent hospital trips - whether its the ER or my follow-up appointments. 

I was in a dark place yesterday, as I noticed that I'm not able to do as much as I would like to due to my constant exhaustion. Not gonna lie, but the days have been getting hard to get by. Time is zooming past but I feel stuck. And the pain is becoming more intense. At times, I sense that I'm losing the determination to fight, to stay alive, and to make meaning amidst all these difficulties. In the past, I would be riddled with guilt and shame but thanks to my self-talk, I was able to regulate my emotions a little better. Don't get me wrong, I do still feel the negative emotions, they just don't feel as overwhelming as they would be in the past. And I feel that God has been reaching out to me too. I was comforted yesterday and was brought to tears as I listened to Mercy Me's "Almost Home". I've shared it here before. But I just felt that the lyrics resonated so deeply within me.

Are you disappointed?
Are you desperate for help?
You know what it's like to be tired
And only a shell of yourself
Well, you start to believe
You don't have what it takes
'Cause it's all you can do
Just to move, much less finish the race
But don't forget what lies ahead

Almost home
Brother, it won't be long
Soon all your burdens will be gone
With all your strength
Sister, run wild, run free
Hold up your head, keep pressing on
We are almost home

Well, this road will be hard
But we win in the end
Simply because of Jesus in us
It's not if, but when
So take joy in the journey
Even when it feels long
Oh, find strength in each step
Knowing Heaven is cheering you on

I know that the cross has brought Heaven to us
Make no mistake, there's still more to come
When our flesh and our bone are no longer between
Where we are right now and where we're meant to be
When all that's been lost is made whole again
When these tears and this pain no longer exist
No more walking, we're running as fast as we can
Consider this our second wind

Almost home
Brother, it won't be long
Soon all your burdens will be gone
With all your strength
Sister, run wild, run free
Hold up your head, keep pressing on
We are almost home

I felt as if God acknowledged my struggle and wanted to grant me hope to persevere, and that He would be right beside me. He has blessed me with amazing friends who have been supportive of me in their own unique ways too. This helps tremendously. 

One thing I've noticed throughout this journey is that I have been learning to balance my thoughts, so that they aren't just flooded by negativity. But its also about recognizing the blessings I've received. I've also been giving space for myself to feel. To accept the emotions that course through my system, and to hold space for me to experience the many emotions I have, at any given time.