adding to the list

Sometimes I wish I would get a break. Recently, I realize how weak I feel. It sucks. From being someone who has been rather physically strong. Noticing that my strength is weakening is definitely very humbling.

Anyway, my GP just added another diagnosis to my cocktail of illnesses. Osteochondritis. The doctor said it is an inflammation of the muscle. But i've looked it up in the web and it talks about necrosis of the cartilage lining. Something to do with lack of blood supply... and i wonder if this is related to my Moyamoya.

Sigh. Just give me a day free of pain. That's all I ask. I'm so drained.

Emotions... lots of them

I've been feeling rather emotional - envy, sadness, frustration, insecurity, helplessness... And it's due to many reasons. Yeah, a lot of negative vibe around me right now. I'm aware why I'm feeling them and what's contributing to them... but I'm ashamed to admit it. Sometimes I feel like my depression is setting back in again. Sometimes... I wonder why I even bother. Why do I feel so much? It sucks. I feel trapped in my wave of emotions, that seems to be attacking me and weighing me down.

Sometimes I ask myself why I try so hard? Why do I set certain standards? Are they really too idealistic? Life feels so unfair. I've really tried really hard. Maybe it's because I'm indirect? I don't know. I'm feeling so drained, lost and alone. I know with me feeling depressed, my perceptions are tainted (hopefully). I just wish I could get out of this. It feels so debilitating.

I feel like I'm spiraling down to depths of despair. I cry so easily... but only behind closed doors. Sometimes when talking to people, it takes a lot for me to hold back tears. The person who has witnessed most of my crying now is my spiritual director. Lord, please help me...

sigh.

discouraged

In a blink of an eye, it's already March 2017... and I've yet to go back to work. Things I'm interested to do... and yet, doors seem to be closing. Are they even ajar? I don't know. It was tough making a decision to take a sabbatical, but it was much needed for my recovery.

Now that I'm thinking of going back to work, I'm drowning with mixed feelings - the drive to prove to myself that I can still be productive and work albeit part-time, but on the other hand I'm feeling nervous and afraid that I can't do it.  Also it doesn't help that I notice that people treat me differently, knowing that I have my disease. My condition will always create a barrier for me to work. It sucks to realize that there may be people who would not consider me to help with projects anymore since my surgeries... or that I'm sidelined because of my illness.

It really sucks... This is still something I've not learned to accept. It's a difficult road for me to take. I tear whenever I think of my current situation, my predicament of wanting to prove that I still have got what it takes, that I'm still capable... and yet, I have this overwhelming fear that I've lost my abilities. I can't even function a day without taking a long nap. And this is with me not even working.

I told my spiritual director (SD) that it feels like my self esteem has been chipping away slowly. I can see she feels for me. What is the lesson behind this, Lord? What am I supposed to learn? Have you been trying to teach me to be more reliant and dependent on You? From someone who was so strong, I have been brought to my knees... I realize even the seemingly simple things that I didn't need to think of much in the past, I have to think through carefully with much prayer.

It's hard for me to turn down work now, but sometimes I feel I need to because of my concern that I can't cope. I just wish God would take away my symptoms. I'm happy for those who had undergone surgery and are now fully functioning... why couldn't that be me?

My SD asked me if I felt that even in my limited being right now... is it enough for God? My head tells me yes. I know He loves unconditionally... but it's really hard to feel like a handicap, but not like like one. I'm jealous of opportunities that pass me by... opportunities that could have fallen to me if not for my condition. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for the people who get these opportunities, but I just wish I stood a chance to have them too.

I came across this article , "Lord, Prepare Me to End Well" which talks about me decreasing in order for Christ to increase and was in the case of John the Baptist. Is this what God is trying to teach me? That I need to reduce the reliance on myself so that I can focus more on Christ? Reading this article.. it touches on Ecclesiastes... and a "time to lose". It really feels as though I'm at that stage right now. So much of me has been lost. I think sometimes I don't know who I am anymore. What's my identity? So much has changed.

I read this paragraph and my eyes were glued to it. Maybe this is the prayer I need to pray...
"Whatever it takes, Lord, increase my love for your supremacy and my trust in your wise purposes so that, when it’s time for me to step out of something to which you had appointed me for a season, I will receive the decrease in personal influence with joyful faith"

It feels really lonely sometimes... I wish people understood how hard it is for me to struggle with this daily. Please help me, Lord. I really don't know what to do. I can only cry out to You for comfort, peace and guidance.

Sigh...