It is only April 2021 but much has happened within the last few months. I'm breaking this reflection into two parts for me to be able to process and appreciate them more fully.
Safe Haven
This was a vision I had a decade ago - to set up an initiative spearheaded by a team of different professionals to provide holistic services to our marginalized communities. Just last year, it was my request to God that He would allow this to happen before He takes me Home. And soon after, things just started to fall into place. Seeing how Safe Haven came to be is a miracle as I observe Him at work, providing what my team needs, and directing me to people who will make this work. I've been blessed to have friends who are like-minded and are motivated to serve. I've often reflected on why it took 10 years for this initiative to materialize and the biggest factor that kept coming up was the perfection of God's Timing. I needed to be prepared beforehand before taking this on. Honestly, if I had forced my way years ago, this initiative would very much be led by my own strength and it would be a boost to my own pride, instead of it being God's work. Also, these years were needed for my team to develop and prepare themselves to be who they are now. Things now fell into place when they needed to be. Interactions occured and help came even at times when I did not realize I needed them. But God knew and provided. My challenge is to be sensitive to His nudging and direction, to trust His leading and to take action when I sensed His urging.
Trials and Opportunities
I entered the year experiencing alot of physical discomfort and pain. But me being me (later I realized that there was a general consensus between my friends and even my surgeon that I am a workaholic and with a very high pain threshold), I dismissed the severity of this issue. At the end, I discovered that my neck was degenerating and after several weeks, the plan was to undergo a surgery to resolve this pain. Remember how I am a workaholic with a high pain threshold? I also had a lot of responsibilities that I had to shoulder during my recuperation period which caused SEVERE pain. I ended up rushing to the emergency room, and later found out that I had torn a few muscles. And that resulted in a week's stay in the hospital for my surgeon and anesthetist to monitor my condition.
On the day that I was rushed to the hospital, I was supposed to have a video call with a headhunter for a job that very much attracted my attention. That position felt like one specifically fashioned for me. I was really excited at this prospect but what weighed heavily was my concern and fear - whether I could really do this work due to my unending list of chronic illnesses.
The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. This thought kept flashing in my mind as I considered this opportunity. And then, the unexpected happened - I was hospitalized. Again. The irony was this hospitalization was even longer than my hospitalizations for my brain surgeries.
This was my view when I sat in the chair next to my hospital bed and it was pretty much my only exposure to the world outside for the week that I was admitted. As I looked through the window, I noticed vehicles driving past and people were walking to their respective destinations. Looking further, there were luscious greens and trees, and as a person who loves nature, it was something I yearned to immerse myself in. But this magnificent sight was also being obstructed by this massive window pane.
And it hit me. This felt like a reflection of my life's horizon. Things were in motion and the world was passing by as per normal, but acutely, I felt stuck in the same place. The luscious green nature that I wanted to engage with was not within reach and even my view of it was blocked. I felt trapped by these obstacles. It was so painful and confusing - the hospital was a place designed to allow me to rest and recuperate, but it also reminded me of my physical limitations and hindered me from moving forward.
A day prior, I was feeling overwhelmed as I was getting messages from my family who still expected me to manage the responsibilities of home and my siblings weren't very helpful in taking over. A person I work with also attempted to engage in work-related conversations and it filled me with anger and frustration due to the insensitivity to my need to recuperate. I was also bogged down with guilt as I observed Safe Haven becoming stagnant due to my inactivity - this was my greatest fear I had anticipated and had tried to resolve by attempting to build up a core team. Unfortunately, my hospitalizations occured before this could be finalized.
With this, I broke down. My mind was flooded with questions and thoughts directed to God.
Father, You seem to have placed opportunities my way... but I don't understand what Your current plan is for me, Lord.
How much longer do I need to bear with this painful trial?
What am I to learn from this?
What am I to do? How do I resolve this?
I am so tired, Lord.
As a person living with chronic illnesses and a deteriorating body, the grief never ends.
I found myself glued to this last thought. No matter how much I've accepted my journey with illness... I realize the grieving will continue as my body deteriorates further. And the sense of urgency to do more intensified. So did my depression and helplessness.
Yet again, God's Timing was perfect as He sent a friend and colleague to be present with me while I mourned... and this provided me much comfort. This particular friend was also having her own recent health struggles and we could both relate and empathize with each other. Truly, God sent the person who had experienced the sense of loneliness a health struggle brings. Through her, God provided that safe space I needed to voice my pain and His Word was also shared to encourage me, which I will elaborate on in the 2nd part of my reflection. Later that same night, another friend share with me a song that spoke deeply to me. It is called "Even If" by MercyMe.
They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad
I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can't
It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now
I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul
I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
'Cause I know You're able
I know You can
I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honestly, I may not have alot of questions answered but what I do have is also the knowledge and experience that God has always been faithful and has pulled me through my darkest moments. God didn't promise us a bed of roses, instead He did say that we will endure hardships and pain. But I do not have to endure it alone. He will equip me and provide me the comfort and help I need to overcome them, according to His timing. Even if He chooses to remain silent at that moment, He is still the Rock I can cling to because He is the Almighty Father who knows me best.
And that gives me comfort.
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