Again, God's Timing really amazes me.
The past week as I considered the possibility of pursuing the IJM role, my mind was overwhelmed with thoughts. I have been getting ahead of myself, and wrestling with what is deemed a "wise" decision. If I were to wholeheartedly pursue a full time job, am I testing God's grace and mercy for me? As a Christian, Phil 4:13 ("I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me") is very much drilled into me. But when does it become a testimony of trust.. and when does it become a test for God?
Today, it felt as though God was sending me His answer through different sources to trust in His plans, His timings and His providences.
A friend shared her prayer for me and I was touched by it as it was a reminder for me to surrender to His outcomes.
And my friend from another NGO messaged me for my IJM updates, 2 hours before my phonecall with the headhunter - the last we spoke was before my 2nd hospitalization. And she was able to empathize with my health concerns, as she has her own health issues. She shared with me how things still get done on her part, and how she sees God providing for her every need. And of course, she shared with me the reality of her work - the difficult bits, the human failings, etc. Again... a reminder that life is not a bed of roses, sweet and soft. In those roses are sharp thorns. But the biggest reminder that is being drilled into me today, is that all will work out for good if it is truly my calling. (Romans 8:28)
And my ex-pastor friend reminded me that there isn't one right answer, but the important thing is that I continue to honour God whatever the outcome is. She shared with me that it's perfectly fine to dream, but at what cost am I going to pursue it? The real danger is if I pursue this dream more than I pursue God. And perhaps, one of the ways to consider this is if I will still be satisfied in Christ if I do not get what I want.
Those were God's wisdom, coming from dear friends.
During the phonecall, I still chose to be transparent with my health issues, because I did not want this to be a surprise to anyone. And if this unfortunately causes me to be dropped out of the running for this role, then maybe it is not meant for me. It will hurt for sure, and I will take time to heal and grieve, but I will eventually bounce back.
But as of now. I don't know what the outcome is. I managed to secure a second phone call with the headhunter and my NGO friend told me to list her as a referee. At the end of the day, I'm reminded God has plans for me. I have no idea what they are and for a control freak, it is unnerving. But this is part and parcel of learning to trust. And I will continually struggle. But may these words come to me when I need them most. It's interesting how these are things i know but they so easily slip my mind. But I'm thankful that God sends reminders to help me refocus. In fact as I was going through my spotify list, I stumbled upon this recommended song I've never heard before. And it feels like another answered prayer to ground me deeper in God.
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