I had a magnificent and meaningful birthday. I didn't get to really celebrate it physically with friends and family but I was totally enveloped and showered with love through various ways.
It is rather amusing, but this MCO birthday feels like one of the best birthdays I've ever experienced. It is also, in Chinese tradition, a milestone year for me as it is the year of the Ox. It's my 3rd cycle, having turned 36.
This is the first time that I am putting this reflection in writing. I had brought this up with several close friends but I have never penned them down. But here goes. Before the year 2021 was even ushered in, I had this conversation (for a lack of a better word) with God and I had this sense that I am on "borrowed time". I had asked God for permission to start Safe Haven (which unfortunately is stalled at the moment but I will resurrect it soon) and He allowed it to happen. When CNY came, I had this sense that I would not live to experience the next Ox cycle - that this was my last. (This probably gives me a timeline of 1-11 years more of life, who knows). One would think that such thoughts would come with anxiety and panic. But there was this sense of peace that it will be alright and that it's ok. What I did feel instead was the sense of urgency to put things in order and to do what I want to do before returning Home.
And after CNY, my health just started deteriorating. I have a high threshold for pain but I had experienced excruciating pain in the lead up of my unexpected neck surgery in March, and the muscle tear after. Things began to feel real. That maybe its not just in my head that my body is slowly giving way, and that it is now pushing itself to function as best it could until the time comes.
Then, comes my birthday. It truly is one of the more meaningful birthdays I've had. I can go on and on about the love I experienced from my loved ones. Friends who demonstrated such effort and thoughtfulness. The precious words that were said to me. Friends who reflected on how much I meant to them, how I have been there for them. I literally tear when I reflect on these beautiful, heartfelt words. And then I can't help but wonder if this is God's gift for me. This, if I am not being delusional or dramatic, is my last Ox year and I will not see/experience the next. This will be a milestone memory I will cherish, and will literally take with me to my grave, whenever that will be. I spent some time going through pictures of my first birthday. That cheeky baby just staring back at me. That baby who many did not think would survive. There were many risks but she made it. She grew to become a restless person, always wanting to do stuff. She grew not realizing how God had been protecting her all these years, as a time bomb continued to tick in her brain. She would be challenged to no end, as she wrestled with her own sense of worthlessness but with His Grace, emerge more determined than ever to live true to her Calling while recognizing that on the days that she fell, her Father would catch, embrace and comfort her.
Am I reading too much into this? I honestly don't know. But what I do know is that I am truly blessed. The past week has been one of the happiest that I've been. This just makes me cherish these moments more when I am aware of my mortality. And I would aim to continue on serving and being a friend/fellow traveller, and to share God's Love until the day my Father tells me that it is time to go.
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