Restarting Spiritual Direction

I decided to take up my own suggestion to seek help and direction. I contacted my spiritual companion from the Journey, Jade. 

To be honest, I tried preparing for the session but I wasn't sure what to expect. I just knew that I have been unsettled. I also knew that part of  this unsettling feeling is that I want to DO a lot of things, but I feel I am not achieving them. And also recognizing that I haven't been giving myself time to just be. And it reminds me of the picture I drew when I was at my silent retreat.

I remember the peace I felt as I drew this picture then. The comfort I felt, knowing that He was beside me, recognizing where I was in my life - the struggles, the pain, the heartache... and yet, still accepting me and loving me unconditionally as His child.

I've been very distracted with wanting to do many things that are meaningful for me. I feel like there is this huge countdown clock behind me and I'm trying to pack as many things as possible to fulfill before time stops. I remember Ann telling me to prioritize - what is God's plan for me? and I immediately said, to establish Safe Haven. 

So why aren't you working on it like you were, before your surgery and subsequent muscle injury?   

Honestly. I don't know. What is preventing me from restarting the group? Is it because I'm so drained and exhausted from doing everything else? I also recognize that my energy level has plunged since my second hospitalization. 

Maybe this is what is causing my feelings of being unsettled. I'm not doing what I've been given time to do.  But on the otherhand, I realize I'm not giving myself space to be as well. Again, i'm leaning towards defining my existence by the amount of things I do. 

Jade asked me really good questions which i need time to ponder upon.

- How is God inviting me to be His child?

- Have I had moments when I've been surprised by God's presence in my life

- Where is the grace of God in my life?

- What can I draw from these lessons?

- What is the posture of my heart? Am I looking towards Him or am I turning away?

- When does a gift become corrupted? where is the line?

- What is my call to His obedience?

I don't just need to clear my brain/mind fog. I need to clear my fogged heart as well. She said something that stuck with me. I can choose to focus more on the grace moments I've experienced. 

Lord, I want to find rest in You. I want to learn to enjoy Your presence. Please help me slow down.