Depleted

After three full on days of hospital visits, providing supervision - pretty much working till late at night.. I find myself feeling spent. I decided to allocate some me-time in between errands today. It was enjoyable for the most part, but during lunch, my anxiety just kept rising, to the point that I was noxious and the physical symptoms were really uncomfortable (i.e. chest pains, tingling, shortness of breath, headache). I couldn't even finish my to-do list and decided to head home.

And my phone beeped a lot throughout the day, with a lot of requests for help/advice, etc... and it just made me feel like I've been assuming this role of being a pillar for people. But this pillar is now cracking under immense pressure and stress, and it feels like it is going to collapse. Its times like these that I feel really alone. Honestly, I'm grateful that I've close friends who live halfway across the globe from me, because I am able to text them when it's too late to text local friends due to the time. 

I want to sleep... coz I am super exhausted... but I can imagine another anxiety-provoking nightmare is awaiting me. How much longer can I take this?

Sitting with the Discomfort

As a Christian I've been taught/brought up to give thanks and be joyful always. While I do subscribe to it, it makes me realize that this in turn doesn't allow me much space to recognize my pain, anxiety, anguish (depression) and suffering. And honestly, I've been feeling a lot of these emotions for some time. Just yesterday, my exhaustion and sense of being overwhelmed tipped me over to the point that I really wanted to just curl up into a fetal position and sob. Today, I feel rage and frustration - feeling like I'm having to problem-solve and care about everything while others just point fingers and conveniently give (unhelpful) suggestions. I'm beginning to have a migraine setting in after being on the constant go for the last few days. And I still have loads to do tomorrow. 

I was just discussing with my supervisee yesterday night about recognizing our discomfort, and providing space for them to just be there without having the immediate reaction to do something about it. And I find myself in this situation now, where I feel compelled to be grateful or to downplay the struggle... but I'm telling myself to just notice these emotions and to stay with them. be with them. 

I was reminded of these few questions:

Can I let these feelings stay without changing them?
Can I accept them and let them stay even as I am trying to function and are interacting with others?
Can I trust that these feelings will not harm me and others?
Can I not show up "confident and perfect"/unaffected?
Can I simply show up as I am in each moment, which in this moment, menas showing up with these unpleasant emotions? 

Please let me just BE.

Providence and Pain Exists Together

I had dinner with a dear friend, LongLong, to catch up on how life has been the past few months of lockdown - the different challenges and life journeys we were on. And one overarching theme that came up was that our struggles were necessary for personal growth. Of course, the struggles are/were no fun and it really took a toll on us at some points but upon reflection, these difficult experiences were also our catalyst for change - to reevaluate and to reconsider what is important to us. 

Even in the midst of pain, we recognized God's Hand in providing for our needs. It was the assurance that while life is not easy, we can hope and cling to God who knows us and will attend to our needs, and a lot of times, we don't even know that may be our need. So truly, God knows us best since He is our
Creator.

It is no irony that I am writing this as I am trying to tahan this muscle pain at my neck, shoulder and back. I am feeling really exhausted today. My dreams have been very vivid and strange. To a point that I feel that a spiritual warfare is happening even during my REM sleep. I am thankful that God has provided the carer, S, so that I can be away for a much needed retreat. I need that time out to detach, and to just recuperate and to seek God. 

A much needed reminder to come to God with all my burdens. 

mental health struggles

 I had a really topsy-turvy, exhausting day. I felt real lows and real highs, having to deal with the stress of managing mom who fell, but refusing to go to the hospital. Me noticing that she had a swelling but no bruising, but also it didn't seem to suggest any fractures. Trying to call for help, and receiving some support from mom's friends. And also having the chance to go for tea with college mates - was even driven by a dear friend, and she prayed with me while we were in the car, in hopes that I would have a clear and calm heart and mind to leave the house to take a break myself.

And here I am now... recognizing the good that I experienced. Getting to hug and a card from a child, a girl that I had been babysitting and caring for whenever her mom needed help. Getting a long embrace from Kat, one of my dearest friends... i had quite a few good laughs as well during our tea session...

and yet, here I am now, struggling to sleep... feeling alone and just at the verge of tears. I know this is irrational but I also know this is my depressive symptom sneaking in. I'm really trying hard to comfort myself - hugging Huggy and also feeling the texture of my flannel blanket, but i'm experiencing this nauseating headache and this sense of deep loneliness. I just... don't know what to do. I'm literally going through a checklist in my head, as a therapist, what coping skills I can use to manage this... but I'm blank. 

Lord, please help me rest. Help me feel comforted and secure... 

Hypervigilance

 Ever since my mom's falls became more frequent, with the fall she had on Deepavali - she remained on the floor for HOURS and refused to even hint that she was in need of help even when she had logged onto zoom with a few ladies from church, has really affected my mental state.

I only realized just now how hypervigilant I've been since that incident. Everytime I hear a thud or just something falling, I jump to check on my mom. This has led me to be on high alert for most of the time when I am at home, which has resulted in my poor sleep. I find it difficult to relax, also because my mom will NOT say anything even if she is in need of help. Just like today. Again, I found her on the floor, just there and not calling for help.

It really frustrates me. As I shared with a colleague, I can sorta understand the hesitance to ask for help - I have been shaped by the same mold. We do not like to be a burden to others and honestly, its a bruise to our ego to feel weak. But overtime, I've learnt to lower down my defenses and be ok with asking for help. But my parents still... not so much. 

But this has been taking a toll on me instead. Because with them not asking for help, and insisting that "I can take care of myself", it has actually been me that has been picking up the pieces and problem-solving. And this is on top of me being really busy and having a body that is also deteriorating. 

Anyway, I am now aware that my body is actually reacting towards the trauma I've been experiencing due to my mom's frequent falls, and the helplessness I feel whenever I can't get her to just speak up and ask for help. It's been worrying me a lot because it feels like I have to step up even more in terms of care-giving. and i'm the only one carrying this responsibility at home. It just feels too much. I am completely exhausted. Even if I do get to sleep, I end up having these dreams, that seem more like nightmares that is a mirror of my reality of just being overwhelmed.

I can't wait for my retreat in Genting. I need to detach and rest and wait upon the Lord for peace, strength and direction.  I need to reset my boundaries for my own sake. 

Exhausting Dream

I tend to have vivid dreams that feel like reality. My dream yesterday was no different.

I remembered feeling overwhelmed, rushing from one place to another, running errands, doing things for other people with no breaks. I woke up, feeling exhausted. And as I pondered upon that dream, I realize there were some themes that popped up:

- my mind was really scattered which led to me being really inefficient as I went through the to-do list. 
- I lacked focus and was really frustrated with the chain of events that I had gotten myself into
- I was stretched-thin 

Sounds familiar, no? This is actually me, in real life, when I wake up too. And it is just seeping out in my dreams as well. I really need a break

The Art of Being Busy by Luke Hamilton

I've been feeling unsettled for sometime. In recent months, I've felt the invitation from God to reflect on and re-evaluate the busyness I am experiencing. Honestly, it's been so difficult to even pause as there are so many things on my plate. But I'm attempting to make space for myself to rest and ponder. I've been revisiting the story of Mary and Martha (Luke 10:39-42) - What is my priority? What is essential? What is needed? And today, I came across this article on "The Art of Being Busy". "Are you busy with all the things God has called you to? Are there some things you need to drop? Are you being fruitful in the areas you feel busy? Sometimes we need to be brave and say no or leave some things." https://fruitfulblog.org/the-art-of-being-busy/

THE ART OF BEING BUSY

by LUKE HAMILTON

Busy has become the new fine.

Casually ask someone how they’re doing today, and on autopilot, they might say they’re fine—but chances are they’ll add, “Fine, but busy. You?”

It’s strange to not be busy. No one answers that greeting with, “Fine—finished my to-do list yesterday and had time to leisurely work on my [insert hobby] before getting an early night”

We’ve decided to put this blog together just to begin the discussion around busyness. We’re no experts and we don’t have all the answers! In fact, we wondered whether to even write this as we’re yet to have kids, a mortgage and other adult responsibilities!!  But we figured if we were feeling like this, others would be too.

So let’s chat about the busyness of life while we’re all still figuring it out!

Worth and Identity

If you look up the meaning of the word busy, synonyms include: occupied, crowded, demanding, hectic and tiring. All pretty negative full on words. When someone is asked to describe a piece of art and they say it looks a little ‘busy’, they mean there’s far too much going on.

Would you say these are an accurate description of how you’re doing right now? Are you constantly bogged down and busy or constantly hectic?

I was once challenged that the next time someone asks, rather than saying ‘busy,’ tell them in more detail what’s going on.

I realised that I had for so long replied using the word busy, that I no longer knew how to describe my week, my day, my life. I started asking myself questions- if I wasn’t busy, would I still feel fulfilled? Would I still feel like I’m doing a good job? Would I still feel loved by God if the busyness is taken away?

This lead to the crucial starting place of busyness—busyness is not bad in and of itself.

Busyness can also be defined as “full of activity.” That activity can be full of meaning and joy. God calls us to work, Proverbs tells us not to be lazy, we are designed to find fulfillment in a job well done (Matthew 25:14). But it’s when our identity is in being busy that we start on a dangerous path. The busyness contest is a difficult one to climb out of.

Ultimately our identity needs to be first in Christ. When Jesus is baptised in Luke 3, God the father says to Jesus, ‘you are my dearly loved son, and you bring me great joy.’

Before Jesus had done anything, before his earthly ministry has begun, before he gets into the busyness of life, God affirms his identity in being his loved son whom he’s proud of simply for just being him.

Our identity isn’t in what we achieve or how busy we are, it’s in the fact that we’re sons and daughters of the king, loved by him for just being us—not for what we’re doing and how busy our calendar is.

What would it look like if we were a generation who broke the norm of the busyness culture? What would it look like to celebrate someone who is achieving all they set out to but also well rested, rather than celebrating those who just seem busy?

We have split our thoughts into two categories of busy:

• The first we’ve named ‘unproductive busy’—for those who feel in a constant state of busy but seem to find themselves rarely achieving all they wish to.
• The second is ‘hectic busy’—for those who by nature of your job or current circumstance you find yourself always busy but not finding joy in that busyness.

Unproductive Busy

The beauty of a List

Move away from feeling overwhelmed at one big task and break it down! Get creative with your lists! Use a list app, go old school and write it down or even get a white board, write down a list of everything you need to do, small things and the bigger tasks, and then work through it. Then once it’s done wipe it off. The great thing about getting it all down on paper is that you’re not constantly having to subconsciously remember everything and keep going over it in your mind. Often things can seem HUGE and scary and overwhelming in your head, but once you put them down in a list and you can see everything broken down into smaller tasks, it’s quickly a lot more manageable.

Pick n mix Priorities

Take a step back each day and set the priority for what you’re going to achieve. It’s so easy to tick off the fun little bits on your list that don’t matter as much, but often harder to tick off the big key things that take time and effort. Have a mix of them but once you have the priority set, you know what’s most important, rather than the most fun. The trick is don’t just think in terms of tasks, think in terms of everything.

For example, a priority for you today on your list might be to rest, spending some time in prayer or even catching up on a Netflix episode.

If you only see work related tasks as a priority then quickly you’re going to burn out and feel demotivated when you spend time ‘procrastinating.’ You need to have a pick n mix of tasks which are a priority for work and a priority for you. Once you have set the priorities make sure you achieve them. Don’t see it as an optional choice, be strict with yourself and make sure you get them done, then anything else on top is a bonus.

Grateful Heart

Each morning make the conscious effort to be positive and have a grateful heart. Psalm 136:26 says ‘Let your heart overflow with praise to the True God of heaven, for his faithful love lasts forever’ (author's paraphrase).

When we are grateful and thankful, our lives are shifted into perspective. We automatically gain a positive outlook on life. Each time something goes wrong it’s a choice to respond maturely and problem solve a positive solution. Having this kind of mindset is fundamental in combatting the feeling of being overwhelmed, but it also leads to being joyful in all things. No matter if you have a massive to-do list or if you have the day off, when we approach all things with a grateful heart, the weight of the responsibilities lessen, the heaviness lifts! Be positive and look on the bright side, sure you have a lot to do, but think of the good that will come from it.

A quite important question is …. is your lifestyle attractive?

Those who don’t yet know Jesus will be watching our lives and observing how we live, what we say and how we respond. We as Christians show people who don’t yet know Jesus, what a life looks like with him. When we complain we’re so busy, tired, exhausted and overworked, it isn’t necessarily an attractive lifestyle. That doesn’t mean we need to be fake, or not authentic, of course we need to be real! But we also need to be WISE. Wisdom is such a precious gift that we need to continually chase. Let’s be wise in our actions, what we say, how we act, around those who do and especially those who don’t know Jesus. We need to be modelling a life filled with his love, joy, peace, purpose and fulfilment … sure we go through tough and hectic seasons but our lives should look attractive to outsiders, why? Because Jesus gives us the peace, perseverance and joy that we need! A life lived with Jesus is an incredible one!! One we want everyone to have, modelling it is the most authentic starting point.

Stand Strong

Joshua 1:9 says ‘Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.’

God knows our limits. Sure it might be tough at times but rather than being afraid or discouraged in the busyness, we need to stand strong in the face of it. After all he’s going to be there alongside us every step of the way, maybe even teaching us a lesson in the busy seasons. Whenever I see things getting a little crazy or overwhelming, I remember this verse and it helps me to neither brag nor complain about it. Much like everything with Christ, when you remember that it all comes from Him. Rather than getting negative and worried, rejoice in it and see it as a joy to have been trusted with all of this incredible work. He is there in it all, hold on tight to that, no matter how long our list is!

‘Let your yes be yes and your no be no’ (Matthew 5:37)

Jesus says in Matthew 21:28-31 “But what do you think about this? A man with two sons told the older boy, ‘Son, go out and work in the vineyard today.’ The son answered, ‘No, I won’t go,’ but later he changed his mind and went anyway. Then the father told the other son, ‘You go,’ and he said, ‘Yes, sir, I will.’ But he didn’t go. “Which of the two obeyed his father?” They replied, “The first.”

Let’s be a generation who don’t shy away from commitment. If we agree to do something, let’s crack on and get it done to the best of our ability. If we can’t do something, let’s be honest and say! Chances are there is someone else out there best suited for that job. Sometimes saying no is better for everyone involved. Don’t shy away from saying no, stewarding your time, energy and skills for the Kingdom is key.

Hectic Busy

Don’t live on 'power through' mode!

If you find yourself drowning in the busyness it might be time to reassess...

Are you busy with all the things God has called you to? Are there some things you need to drop? Are you being fruitful in the areas you feel busy? Sometimes we need to be brave and say no or leave some things. Seth Godin's book has great advice on this, The Dip: The extraordinary benefits of knowing when to quit (and when to stick)

Things will calm down after that next big event right? But what if the current season you are in is full of big event after big event? It’s here that it’s easy to slip into ‘power through, push through the season’ mode.

Do you tell yourself it’s okay to overwork and be exhausted because it’s just ‘this season’? Sometimes the reality is that, it isn’t just a season. It’s life.

You can easily form bad habits of never resting or only feeling like you can rest when all the work is done…which rarely is the case!! So quit the ‘power through’ mode and plan in regular rest! Don’t feel guilty when you rest. Learn how to switch off and rest well. Rest looks different for everyone—for some it’s having dinner with friends, for others it’s time alone reading a book, for others it’s time in the gym—whatever it is, do it! Don’t put off rest.

Look at the bigger picture

It’s easy to get caught up in the small tasks, the things you have to do, the long list in front of you.

But what about the bigger picture, what’s the reason you’re doing these things?

The things you’re struggling to do right now, what might they lead to? This is where things get really exciting! Not many incredible things happen for the Kingdom without a long list of actions happening first. The thing you need to do which you’ve been putting off and don’t really want to do, what might it lead to? For example that friend who doesn’t know Jesus but you know that scheduling in a coffee will make all the difference. Those late nights planning the Christmas party with your office staff, a church event or meeting up with old school mates because you know that may lead to a ‘yes’ when you invite them to Alpha. What might these things lead to?

You are the hands and feet of Christ here on planet earth today, or to put it differently, He doesn’t have any hands or feet on this planet apart from ours. What is He going to do through us with these small tasks we’re faced with today? Always look at the bigger picture. This is when things become a joy and really exciting rather than a huge overwhelming list of tasks.

Be accountable in the Busy!

Accountability is so important to every area of our lives. From our prayer lives to our personal lives, we’re told to be a community of believers supporting, guiding and walking alongside one another. This should be the exact same when it comes to trying to thrive in the busy. As we mentioned at the start, the often undetected race to seam and look busy to others, to feel a sense of worth and importance, means we rarely let others know when we’re struggling with the busyness.

What would it look like if you had a few people around you to continually call you up on this and ensure you thrive in the busy and don’t burn out. Who around you could you help encourage and bring advice when they are struggling? Be accountable in the busy.

Final Thoughts

Ultimately in all seasons busy or not, we need to devote our everything to Jesus.

Know that it is only the Holy Spirit who gives joy, peace and patience. So if you want joy and peace in the busyness, it will only come through Him.

Spending time with Jesus, reading our Bibles, praying and worshiping should always be an absolute pleasure and never a chore or an item on our todo list or a ‘I really should do it.’

So let’s make the time for it! Yes we’re busy, but we still manage to scroll through Facebook, tweet a quote, Instagram our dinner and Snapchat that funny office prank!

Let’s carve out time in our day to spend time with Jesus.

30 minutes each day for Jesus is really not that much considering we have 23 and a half hours left for other activities!

The more we give over to God, the less overwhelmed in the busy we will feel. Something which helped me with this is that I actually scheduled ‘coffee with Jesus.’ If I had ‘coffee with Abbey’ in my diary, I wouldn’t stand her up, I wouldn’t miss out on coffee and use the excuse ‘I just got too busy,’ I also wouldn’t sit with Abbey for an hour chatting for ten minutes and then scrolling through Facebook. So diary in Jesus time, and actually go for a coffee, a walk, find a comfy sofa and spend some quality time with Him.

After all, everything else is meaningless. Ecclesiastes is sometimes a helpful book for someone who can’t prevent the busy—everything is meaningless without God.

Unless our whole lives, every action, every word, every thought, every step is devoted to Jesus, it is all meaningless. We can easily find ourselves filling our lives with busy for what?

A point worth mentioning is that sometimes we might not understand why we’re so busy right now, why we’re slogging away at a certain job or project; but that’s okay, because life has been given to us by the King and sometimes that’s all we need to know.

Ecclesiastes 11:7-8 reads: ‘Oh, how sweet the light of the day, and how wonderful to live in the sunshine! Even if you live a long time, don’t take a single day for granted. Take Delight in each light-filled hour.’

Yes you’re crazy busy, tired and maybe a little overwhelmed—but let’s remember to try and take delight in each light filled hour—it has been given to us both by the King and for the King.

There isn’t a top secret formula to thriving in the art of busy, the answer is and always will be ‘through Christ.’

Over to You

Now it’s over to you, here are three challenges from us to you so that you can find the art of busy:

• The Easy Challenge - Ban yourself from using the word ‘busy’ for a whole 24 hours. Describe your day, in another way and actually tell people how you are.
• The Medium Challenge - Whatever your current ‘devotional time’ is for Jesus each day - double it! So if you spend 10 minutes a day praying and reading your bible, spend 20, if it’s 30 minutes spend an hour! If it’s 0, well then start somewhere and get cracking making time for Jesus.
• The Hard Challenge - Go that one step further and hold someone else accountable in their busyness. Make sure they are thriving and supported in the busy times and not struggling through the hectic day to day.

In Awe of God's Prompting and Providence

I've had a really trying and exhausting week. To the point that I understood why people would want to end their lives because they just want the pain and suffering to end. And yet, on the flipside, I have experienced God's grace and providence tremendously. This is truly what it means, that my cup overflows with God's blessings and goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life. 

In my darkest moment this week, God had sent a myriad of different support to nourish me - prayers, financial blessings, listening ears, etc. Some, I would never have expected or were considering to contact, but they emerged without my initiation. 

A pattern that kept repeating was, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8

I felt God's confirmation today to fix my eyes on Him. I recognize that I have been very, VERY distracted by many things and it had caused a lot of unsettled feelings on my part. Tonight, plans were made to encourage mom. Unexpectedly, God had sent encouragement my way as well. Even the ladies who came recognized that this was not their initial plan but as conversations began, they felt the nudging to speak to me. It was exactly what I needed to hear:

The need to be still and to pause, to ponder. To inquire of the Lord what His Will is for me. 

What is this ONE thing that God has called/invited me to do? What is God's destiny for me?
As the End Times draw nearer, how am I contributing to His Kingdom?

I was reminded of that in preparation of the End Days, God will situate each of His children at specific and strategic places/locations/areas for the work and furtherance of His Kingdom. This spiritual warfare that is taking place even now.
So where is my place? Where is God directing me to be? What is my role? God has planted this dream  of setting up Safe Haven in me, developing and preparing me for the last 10 years... He has granted me this heart and passion, and the ability to think differently/outside the box. How will I use these gifts?

What is my next step? What is holding me back from working on this/pursuing this dream now that He is helping me make it a reality? Have I been too focused on the time I have left that I am being distracted by the wrong things? 

In my impromptu conversations with Aunty HF and HB today, they equated me to Joseph, the dreamer - the person with the vision... and she asked if I had people who could help me realize the plan and draw it out.. and I realized that I do. Quite a few, in fact.   

Now I am fully convicted. And I want to take this step of faith. There are so many unanswered questions, so many gaps... but I trust that God will reveal each step as I search and seek for these answers. True enough, tonight I was already introduced to a couple that could collaborate in my Safe Haven efforts. 

My responsibility is to pray, to trust, to be sensitive to His nudging and to act with courage when He tells me to. And to repent of my sins, the things that I am withholding, that is stumbling me. 

More Lessons from Martha and Mary

 Gospel • Luke 10:38-42

Jesus entered a village 

where a woman whose name was Martha welcomed him.

She had a sister named Mary

who sat beside the Lord at his feet listening to him speak. 

Martha, burdened with much serving, came to him and said,

“Lord, do you not care

that my sister has left me by myself to do the serving? 

Tell her to help me.” 

The Lord said to her in reply,

“Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things. 

There is need of only one thing. 

Mary has chosen the better part

and it will not be taken from her.”

***

Commentary

Today we find Jesus in the home of the sisters, Mary and Martha. We know that they have a brother named Lazarus.  We meet the sisters again, showing the same characteristics as in this story, in John’s account of the raising from death of their brother (John 11:1-44).  They lived in Bethany, a village about 3-4 km from Jerusalem and it seems that Jesus was a familiar visitor to the house for at the time of Lazarus’ illness Jesus is told: “Your friend Lazarus is sick.”

The story of Martha and Mary is, in a way, a contrast to the previous story about the Good Samaritan. It restores a balance in our following of Christ. The story about being a neighbour could lead us to think that only if we are doing things are we loving God.

Martha was a doer to the point of being a fusspot. Martha, we are told, was “burdened with much serving”. Serving is something that Jesus himself did constantly and he urged his followers to do the same. But it should not be a burden. And, after Martha had complained about her sister, Jesus told her that she was “anxious and worried about many things”. A true servant does not experience anxiety and worry. It signifies a lack of peace.

Because Mary seemed to be doing nothing, Martha saw her as idling and even selfish. Martha must have been somewhat surprised when Jesus said that Mary had “chosen the better part” which would “not be taken from her”.

What was that better part? Was Mary just sitting at the feet of Jesus and doing nothing? No. We are told that she was “listening to him speak”. Listening to his message is something Jesus tells his disciples and the crowd they need to be doing all the time. And we have mentioned before that listening involves understanding, accepting and assimilating that message so that it becomes part of our very selves.

If we do not spend time listening to him, how can we know that our activity is properly directed? It is easy for us Christians to be very busy but are we busy about the right things?

To answer that question we have to stop to listen, to discern and to pray. And, ultimately, the highest form of activity in our lives is contemplation, being in conscious contact with God and his Word. If I find myself saying that I do not have time to give some time to prayer or contemplation each day, then there is a serious imbalance in my priorities and in my understanding of what it means to love and serve my God.

This story blends nicely with the parable of the Good Samaritan which went before it. Taken together they express what should be the essence of Christian living – action for others that is guided by what we learn in contemplation. This was the pattern of Jesus’ own life – he spent long hours bringing healing to people’s lives (being a neighbour) but also retired to quiet places to be alone in communion with his Father. The same pattern must be ours too. We call it being “contemplatives in action”.

Only Jesus

 This is a song that I heard last year when the ball started rolling, and when I felt the countdown started. But it's a song I can resonate with and is my prayer.

"Only Jesus"

Make it count, leave a mark, build a name for yourself

Dream your dreams, chase your heart, above all else

Make a name the world remembers

But all an empty world can sell is empty dreams

I got lost in the light when it was up to me

To make a name the world remembers

But Jesus is the only name to remember

And I, I don't want to leave a legacy

I don't care if they remember me

Only Jesus

And I, I've only got one life to live

I'll let every second point to Him

Only Jesus

All the kingdoms built, all the trophies won

Will crumble into dust when it's said and done

'Cause all that really mattered

Did I live the truth to the ones I love?

Was my life the proof that there is only One

Whose name will last forever?

And I, I don't want to leave a legacy

I don't care if they remember me

Only Jesus

And I, I've only got one life to live

I'll let every second point to Him

Only Jesus

Jesus is the only name

Jesus is the only name

Jesus is the only name to remember, oh

Jesus is the only name

Jesus is the only name

Jesus is the only name to remember

And I, I don't want to leave a legacy

I don't care if they remember me

Only Jesus

And I, I've only got one life to live

I'll let every second point to Him

Only Jesus

I don't want to leave a legacy

I don't care if they remember me

Only Jesus

Restarting Spiritual Direction

I decided to take up my own suggestion to seek help and direction. I contacted my spiritual companion from the Journey, Jade. 

To be honest, I tried preparing for the session but I wasn't sure what to expect. I just knew that I have been unsettled. I also knew that part of  this unsettling feeling is that I want to DO a lot of things, but I feel I am not achieving them. And also recognizing that I haven't been giving myself time to just be. And it reminds me of the picture I drew when I was at my silent retreat.

I remember the peace I felt as I drew this picture then. The comfort I felt, knowing that He was beside me, recognizing where I was in my life - the struggles, the pain, the heartache... and yet, still accepting me and loving me unconditionally as His child.

I've been very distracted with wanting to do many things that are meaningful for me. I feel like there is this huge countdown clock behind me and I'm trying to pack as many things as possible to fulfill before time stops. I remember Ann telling me to prioritize - what is God's plan for me? and I immediately said, to establish Safe Haven. 

So why aren't you working on it like you were, before your surgery and subsequent muscle injury?   

Honestly. I don't know. What is preventing me from restarting the group? Is it because I'm so drained and exhausted from doing everything else? I also recognize that my energy level has plunged since my second hospitalization. 

Maybe this is what is causing my feelings of being unsettled. I'm not doing what I've been given time to do.  But on the otherhand, I realize I'm not giving myself space to be as well. Again, i'm leaning towards defining my existence by the amount of things I do. 

Jade asked me really good questions which i need time to ponder upon.

- How is God inviting me to be His child?

- Have I had moments when I've been surprised by God's presence in my life

- Where is the grace of God in my life?

- What can I draw from these lessons?

- What is the posture of my heart? Am I looking towards Him or am I turning away?

- When does a gift become corrupted? where is the line?

- What is my call to His obedience?

I don't just need to clear my brain/mind fog. I need to clear my fogged heart as well. She said something that stuck with me. I can choose to focus more on the grace moments I've experienced. 

Lord, I want to find rest in You. I want to learn to enjoy Your presence. Please help me slow down. 

Burnt Out

I've been feeling on edge and more irritable the past few weeks. It's just the culmination of my frustration having to juggle so many things and being expected to be on top of things, and to care for everyone else. Sometimes I wish people will stop and ask how am *I* doing. I'm human and in need of support too. I'm thankful for the handful of people who do demonstrate care to me.

Honestly, I wonder if my burnout is also worsening my depression, or vice-versa.  Just overall, feeling more demotivated and low mood. And just wanting to withdraw from the world. My exhaustion is also definitely impacting my health and physical state coz I've been experiencing a lot more nausea and migraines. And with the stress and tension, my muscles are really a pain to deal with. 

One of the best reminders I received recently, "______________ can wait". The understanding was that I needed to put myself and my needs first. Again, it's something I keep having to mindfully drill into my mind - I can't serve from an empty cup. 

Feels like I need my love tank to be recharged. 

Thankfully, I'm heading for a day trip with a colleague. Hopefully that helps. Looking forward to some quality time, good scenery and yummy food along the way. 

Countdown

I posted this on my Moyamoya blog on "The Journey of Ups and Downs". But I feel like expanding it more here, in this personal space. 

Ever since the start of this year... my mind has just shifted into countdown mode. While I recognize where the source came from... it just felt like an automatic transition, which surprises me. The problem is... I don't know when this countdown ends. 

I find myself no longer thinking of my future. Maybe that is a good thing. To just focus on the present, the here-and-now. But I realize that because the thought of my mortality is so in-my-face, I find my perspective shifting to "will I be around to witness" certain things. 

But my ever-wise colleague reminded me that it's pretty much the same for all of us. It's just that I do not have the illusion that I am invincible or that I will live forever. No one knows when we will go, but I am just more alert to the possibility of death due to my current condition. 

What is stopping you from doing what is important to you - Whether or not you die tomorrow? And are you too busy that you can't do what you are meant to do?

She reminded me that I have a dream that I wanted to accomplish but I recognize I'm too tired to pursue it because I find meaning in so many things and I overload myself. I need to refocus and to prioritize - what is mine alone that I want to do, so I will not regret it. I need to retrace my steps and to get back on my path, and live according to my values again. I think I have been living according to my values, I just need to be mindful that I don't have much gas in me and I can't do EVERYTHING. 

I think I need to breathe too. I'm really glad I've set a date to have a retreat. Even though that's a month away, it is something to look forward to. 

Declutter My Mind

 "What gave you joy today?"

This was a question posed to me by my partner-in-crime who just wanted to hear some good news, after experiencing days/weeks of stress, due to her role as the main caregiver of her elderly family. Something I can relate very much to.

And I found that question had rendered me speechless.

Don't get me wrong, I had an enjoyable day yesterday as I was treated to a zoom lunch with a dear friend. I had a difficult session after but all things considered, it sorta balanced out. 

But I found myself feeling really bleh today. I'm just thinking I need to take into consideration mental health days off. My to-do list seems never-ending. And it doesn't help that I have someone at home who constantly complains, points fingers and finds fault while I am already trying my best to manage the household.  

I realize I get so triggered. I need to detach myself more and just ignore these idiotic/unhelpful comments that really spoil my mood.  I need to tune out from this negativity that really sucks the life out of me and to declutter my chaotic and overstretched mind. 

Lord help me, please. I really need quality rest. And please take away these darn chest pains, muscle aches and migraines that plague me. 

Remembering Ah Gong

It's the 24th anniversary of your death, Ah Gong. Who knew that I would still feel such heavy loss even after 24 years. Maybe it's also because I turned 36. You passed on my milestone year.. two cycles later, I still wish you were around so that we could make new memories.  Maybe it's also because I had gone for the family genogram workshop, and that really made me reflect on our family dynamics, relationships and how the family has shaped me to be who I am.

From the eyes of a child, I remember you to be a wise man - caring, generous and a person who likes to put himself to work. Never an idle moment. I have vivid memories of us sleeping on the floor watching football. You were a Liverpool fan - something I didn't share. But even after your passing, I continued to watch football. You would take public transport from PJ to our house in cheras, to see what you could help with. I remember painting our gate, our walls outside the house, together. And we would walk down to the mamak for teh tarik and roti canai. And I would be mesmerized, as I hear you conversing in Tamil with the Aneh. And sometimes, we would walk slightly further and you would treat me to KFC and I would boldly request for the three piece platter, only to eat the skin, then passing you the meat for your consumption. You allowed that cheeky behaviour of mine. When KFC introduced the KFC chicken skin last month, you were the first person I thought of. If only we had that option when I was a child. 

I remember that you taught yourself how to play the violin. It was pretty basic but still impressive considering that the violin is not an easy instrument. And to this date, the violin is still something I want to learn. I feel like you have passed down the gift and appreciation of music to me. 

Ah Gong, you were also the person that influenced my love for pingpong. I don't know why I never played with you, maybe because you were SO good at it. I just remember tagging along when you would go to a community center to play with another uncle. I can still picture myself seated at the back of the car, excited at the prospect of seeing you in action. After you passed, I regretted for not learning to play from you, and I vowed to remember you through the game. Soon after, I started representing my school for tounaments and the medals I won were always dedicated to you. 

I remember when you were diagnosed with stomach cancer. The doctor has misdiagnosed you prior, stating that you had stomach ulcers. By the time we realized what the real diagnosis was, you were already on a steady decline. You moved in and I continued to see you deteriorate. And I saw the pain in your eyes as you felt that you were a burden to my family. I have this vivid memory of my mom, sisters and I at the dining table on the 29th of August, 1997. Dad was in the hospital with you. We were eating when we got the phonecall that you had slipped away. I remember us just quietly processing this news while eating. I can still remember spooning rice into my mouth, not tasting anything. And one by one, we began to tear and sob. And we then decided to just go to the hospital to see you. 

I remember bawling my eyes out during your funeral. And some random aunty hugging me sideways, saying that you were at a better place. I knew that but it didn't make my loss any lesser. I hated that sentence. I remember walking behind your coffin as the hearse made its round in the neighborhood. I remember the men opening the coffin for us to see you for the last time. Chin Mi had reached out to touch your face, and she immediately shrunk back saying that your face was hard and cold.

Days later, I would be praying to God, likening it to a telephone line - wanting to find out how you were doing and if you were doing alright in Heaven. That was my daily prayer everynight before I went to bed until Chin Mi stopped me one day. "Stop praying for AhGong". And I did. I learnt that I had to stop grieving.     

During my 2nd hospitalization this year, It got me to thinking that I am the opposite of my parents. My character and motivations are rather different from them. But recently, as I stared at my family genogram and I tried to recollect my impressions of you, I realized that you may have influenced me without me realizing it. Sometimes I wonder whether its also because I saw you through the eyes of a child and I had so much admiration for you, for the positive characteristics that you had. I idealized you. While I may have consciously tried to be different from my parents - who were not really present with me during my childhood (I have more memories being with the Moey family) and they broke many promises. And right now, seeing how they just expect to be served and not having the motivation to do things... its a direct opposite of who I am. And I find myself comparing dad (your eldest son) with you in recent years. You were highly motivated to make use of yourself and to engage with people, even though you were a quiet old. Something that is very much in me as well. You had an exercise book that had your writen musings. Something that was passed down to us after your death. And my dad had conveniently lost it a few years later. And that really broke me because it was something I treasured.  

I have mixed feelings as I write this tribute to you, Ah Gong. I am bereaved and yet, I feel reconnected to you again, and that provides a sense of warmth. You would have been a 100 years old this year. I do wish that you got to see me grow into a teenager and an adult. I hope I have made you proud. I look forward to the day when we meet in Heaven. I really do miss and love you so much, Ah Gong. 

From your beloved granddaughter, Pei Pei. 

Between The Lines

 I had a magnificent and meaningful birthday. I didn't get to really celebrate it physically with friends and family but I was totally enveloped and showered with love through various ways. 

It is rather amusing, but this MCO birthday feels like one of the best birthdays I've ever experienced. It is also, in Chinese tradition, a milestone year for me as it is the year of the Ox. It's my 3rd cycle, having turned 36. 

This is the first time that I am putting this reflection in writing. I had brought this up with several close friends but I have never penned them down. But here goes. Before the year 2021 was even ushered in, I had this conversation (for a lack of a better word) with God and I had this sense that I am on "borrowed time". I had asked God for permission to start Safe Haven (which unfortunately is stalled at the moment but I will resurrect it soon) and He allowed it to happen. When CNY came, I had this sense that I would not live to experience the next Ox cycle - that this was my last. (This probably gives me a timeline of 1-11 years more of life, who knows). One would think that such thoughts would come with anxiety and panic. But there was this sense of peace that it will be alright and that it's ok. What I did feel instead was the sense of urgency to put things in order and to do what I want to do before returning Home.  

And after CNY, my health just started deteriorating. I have a high threshold for pain but I had experienced excruciating pain in the lead up of my unexpected neck surgery in March, and the muscle tear after. Things began to feel real. That maybe its not just in my head that my body is slowly giving way, and that it is now pushing itself to function as best it could until the time comes.

Then, comes my birthday. It truly is one of the more meaningful birthdays I've had. I can go on and on about the love I experienced from my loved ones. Friends who demonstrated such effort and thoughtfulness. The precious words that were said to me. Friends who reflected on how much I meant to them, how I have been there for them. I literally tear when I reflect on these beautiful, heartfelt words. And then I can't help but wonder if this is God's gift for me. This, if I am not being delusional or dramatic, is my last Ox year and I will not see/experience the next. This will be a milestone memory I will cherish, and will literally take with me to my grave, whenever that will be. I spent some time going through pictures of my first birthday. That cheeky baby just staring back at me. That baby who many did not think would survive. There were many risks but she made it. She grew to become a restless person, always wanting to do stuff. She grew not realizing how God had been protecting her all these years, as a time bomb continued to tick in her brain. She would be challenged to no end, as she wrestled with her own sense of worthlessness but with His Grace, emerge more determined than ever to live true to her Calling while recognizing that on the days that she fell, her Father would catch, embrace and comfort her.

Am I reading too much into this? I honestly don't know. But what I do know is that I am truly blessed. The past week has been one of the happiest that I've been. This just makes me cherish these moments more when I am aware of my mortality. And I would aim to continue on serving and being a friend/fellow traveller, and to share God's Love until the day my Father tells me that it is time to go. 

A blessed birthday

 When the 12th of August was drawing closer and closer, I felt that this year it wouldn't be impactful. It would just be another day. The one thing that I was looking forward to was finding out if my friend was actually giving birth on my birthday. That was it. I had to teach that day anyway. So nothing much to look forward to. My bestfriend and I couldn't even celebrate our birthdays together. All in all, I was just hoping to have a restful, quiet day. 

In fact, I confess that I was quite irritable in the morning and afternoon as my phone rang constantly and no matter how many times I cancelled the calls, they would still call again. 

But my mood drastically changed when I went downstairs and found a whole lot of surprised deliveries meant for me. Only two friends had notified beforehand that they wanted to buy lunch and dinner for my birthday and I was looking forward to that. 

I had all kinds of food awaiting me. It was pretty overwhelming - my dining table was full of packages. My fridge is now packed with leftovers. Even after my birthday had ended, I still continued receiving food deliveries, with my mom constantly commenting in surprise, that I have so many good friends.

I was very touched by the personal messages that came. Messages sent from friends in different parts of the world - that spoke of our close friendships, and what I meant to them, and what they appreciated about me. I was stunned when my friend who DID give birth on my birthday, had expressed to me that she prayed for me while she was delivering her baby, because she believed that her prayers would be answered. 

The food deliveries - many were thoughtful, indicating that they knew me well. Everyone avoided sending me caffeine/chocolate-based foods because it triggers my migraines. Some chose to send deliveries after my birthday ended because they had guessed that I would have many parcels coming my way. I was sent food I enjoy eating. Another baked a cake for me that was so beautiful that it took me a long time and a hard resolve to cut into it. It was so delicious too.

I had meaningful conversations with different people as well. One shared a short story she was writing and wanted my feedback, and that conversation led to something deep and personal about our own experiences. 

This year is my milestone year. My ox year. It started off pretty rough and painful. But as always, hope and love always reveals itself. I am touched beyond measure the love that has been showered upon me these few days. I am just so grateful for these people in my life. They have brought so much joy to me. 

Thank You, Lord, for these blessings...

Anger

 Of late, I realize I've been more and more irritable and angry. I'm feeling a lot of frustration and it's pretty pent up. In the past I used to go a few rounds on my punching bag for catharsis but with my muscle recovery already being rather slow I do not want to make it worse.

I am WELL aware what's upsetting me, and I know that part of my frustration is my sense of helplessness. I look around and I see incompetence and stubbornness that is damaging. Not just in the political scene but even at home. I feel dismissed and invisible at home, while also being expected to do more while the others just laze and expected to be treated like kings. I feel the need to fight or escape nearly everyday but feel trapped. 

I realize that I tend to weigh options and will make decisions based on whats best for my surroundings but one thing I realize is that many are not as thoughtful. There is so much selfishness around me that it really irks me. 

I'm exasperated. It's come to a point where there is really no love lost. 

I desperately want to dig a hole to hide and recuperate or just disappear for a while just to give space for myself.

Questions to Consider

I received this in my email, and I felt it important to post it here for my meditation and consideration.

Dear Friends,

I wonder what are some questions that you are asking in this season as we see all that is happening around us – the current pandemic situation, hardships and poverty, an increase in suicide cases and other mental health issues, political chaos, among others.
 

We sometimes feel bad for asking God: “Where are you in this situation?” or “Why did this happen?” or “What are you doing?” because it shows a lack of faith or trust. Turns out, we’re not the only ones asking these kinds of things. David, a man known to be after God's own heart asked, “Why, LORD, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?” (Psalm 10:1). Moses asked, “Why have you brought this trouble on your servant?” (Numbers 11:11). Even Jesus asked, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”. The question, “Why?” has been echoing throughout history, especially in times when things aren't making sense. 
 
Sometimes we see “questioning” as an unfaithful response to a faithful God. Our tendency is to shut these questions down or to skip past them moving quickly towards a resolution to just "trust" (usually in our effort to avoid the discomfort of not knowing). But what if God is in the questions? What if these questions are places where God encounters us because we refuse to allow “easy” answers to shut down the honesty of this place of searching? Even though our questions might sometimes sound like challenges or even accusations, God is with us there. God doesn’t pull away when we’re angry or confused, in fact he comes closer and draws nearer. God welcomes all of our questions. 

Take a few minutes for this simple prayer exercise: 
- Take a few breaths and let the questions that your heart has been asking surface. 
- Notice what’s coming up for you. Are there things that have been nagging you, but you’ve been afraid to give them attention?
- God’s ear bends towards us, listening to our questions and the pain in our hearts, “I love the Lord because He hears and answers my prayers. Because He bends down and listens, I will pray as long as I have breath!” (Ps 116:1-2 NLT). God is listening, what do you want to say to him?
- Hold these questions before God and listen for his response.

May you find God with you in the questions that you're asking in this season.

Blessings,
ICM Team

Milestones

 So... I wasn't able to secure the position of my "dream job". Oddly enough, I thought I would be more distraught and devastated by the rejection. But its been a little over a week or so since I got rejected but I'm actually dealing with it rather well. Of course, I was sad that I didn't get the job but I didn't feel the self-esteem plunge I had half-expected myself to experience if this scenario were to present itself.

The reason why they rejected me was unclear though they did say I was a very strong candidate, and my email requesting for feedback was left unanswered. It was amusing that I ended up comforting a friend who was even more upset about this outcome than I was. 

I think what helped me accept was that from the get-go, although it did seem as though I was a shoo-in for this job due to my work experience and expertise, I knew that God was in control and He would either open or close this door. Of course I struggled with that too, because I'm a control freak. My friend had said that it was 99.999% possibility of me getting the job, but all it takes is that 0.001% for God to shut the door, if it is not according to His Will. 

Also, even after being rejected... this whole process made it clear to me where my heart lies - which is to advocate for the voiceless and vulnerable. I may not be able to do that with this particular organization but there are other avenues available. And that's what matters - that I will still aim to do what is meaningful to me. 

Something another friend said piqued my interest - the words we use can unconsciously cause us to put more pressure on ourselves. The whole "dream job" prospect. So what happens if we don't get our dream job? Does that mean life is not meaningful anymore. Are our hopes and dreams utterly dashed then? After experiencing this rejection, I realize - yes this job does seem ideal and matches my personality and passion, but I can live without it. I can still intentionally engage in meaningful behaviours that are aligned with my personality and passion/interests. It's not the end. Now, it is to explore ways I can do that.
Where? How? When? With Who? These are the questions that are left for me to consider.     

One of the possible hypothesis that has come up as to why I was rejected for the job is my health status. Again, I thought I would be really upset if that was the case but again, to my surprise... I have come to accept that (if that is truly the reason. I don't know as I wasn't given any clear indication). Being a person with chronic illness is just who I am. It can be seen as a huge limitation from the outside. And honestly, sometimes I see it as one too. But being a person with chronic illness has also taught me to be more empathic, to slow down, to be more humble, to rely more on God's strength and guidance, and to be kinder to myself... I guess what it takes is a paradigm shift - to acknowledge the limitations but also to recognize the strengths that have been developed due to this very experience, and to continue finding meaning and being intentional in what I do (because I don't have the luxury to waste my spoons). 

It's still a journey and it won't end until I am on my deathbed. But I'm just thankful that through all these challenges and hiccups, I have God on my side, watching over me and providing for my needs. And I have friends cheering me on as well. 

I'd say i'm very blessed 😊 

Reminscing the Memory of My Moyamoya Diagnosis

On this day, 7 years ago, I had received THE phonecall from Tan Tock Seng Hospital that shook me - the MRI I did the day before confirmed a diagnosis of Moyamoya Disease. I was actually on my way to do a home visit. I remember having to just shelve my confusion and questions, so I could focus on attending to my patient after that. And on the bus on the way home, I was just stunned throughout but my rational mind urged me to call my then-supervisor to let her know and then I messaged my bestfriend asking if I could skype with her at night. I also texted my cousin, who had suffered a stroke himself when he was 30. I remember telling him not to tell anyone in our family until I had a better understanding of what this disease was. 

The next day, my cousin, endearingly called Yee Boy, accompanied me to the hospital to see the neurologist. We have always been close, even now. He experienced a stroke just a few years prior and he is someone who would ask good questions. I needed him with me. 

So happened, I was to return to Malaysia for the weekend. And I did. When I got home, my bestfriend was waiting for me at my house. She wanted to stay the night to accompany me, and to be my emotional support when I broke the news to my parents. I still remember her telling me that she was surprised by how emotionally detached I was when I shared my diagnosis with my parents. I had showed my parents my MRI scans and told them matter-of-factly about what Moyamoya was and what were the possible treatments needed. I knew I did what I did because I wanted to be strong for my parents. If I broke down, who is going to hold the emotional fort? And honestly, I was afraid that I would not get the comfort I needed from my family if I broke down. And as cliched as this may sound, my life was never the same from then on. Mortality was a very present topic and the fight for my life began but it also made me see how God has preserved me all those earlier years.  

Now that its been 7 years, I still see God's Hand in my life. I feel I've grown much as a person because of my chronic illness journey. I definitely have my share of struggles but I've also learnt to identify what is important to me, that brings meaning. And it has helped me be more mindful and intentional whenever I engage in certain behaviors/interactions. 

Today I was drawn to meditate on Psalms 27.

The Lord is my light and my salvation—
    whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
    of whom shall I be afraid?

When the wicked advance against me
    to devour[a] me,
it is my enemies and my foes
    who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
    my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
    even then I will be confident.

4 One thing I ask from the Lord,
    this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
    all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
    and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
    he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
    and set me high upon a rock.

6 Then my head will be exalted
    above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
    I will sing and make music to the Lord.

7 Hear my voice when I call, Lord;
    be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
    Your face, Lord, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
    do not turn your servant away in anger;
    you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
    God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
    the Lord will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, Lord;
    lead me in a straight path
    because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
    for false witnesses rise up against me,
    spouting malicious accusations.

13 I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord.

AMEN.