Got to watch this fascinating movie with Kat recently, titled "Everything Everywhere All at Once", starring our very own Michelle Yeoh who did an awesome job, I have to say. After the movie, it got me thinking about how life would have been different if I made different choices, or if my circumstances were altered, even just the slightest bit.
Sometimes I teether between the reality of my deteriorating body and being hopeful that my determination to live will help me conquer this "battle". But then I'm grounded by news of the passing of people who have my condition. And it makes me appreciate how life is really so precious. I know that many will say that being 37, i'm still young - my mind agrees but my body, not so much. But to compare myself with, say, an 8 year old child who lost his life to this disease, I've have the opportunity to experience life more than him. Both the good and the bad experiences, of course..
It got me to think, what if I was diagnosed earlier or if my illness progressed much faster when I was a child? I believe I would have very drastically different life experiences if that were the case. My life would have headed to very different tangents. My friends that I cherish with my life, may not even be present as I may not have had met them.
That said, this could go on to an endless spiral of unhelpful "what ifs". But I'm thankful for the life experiences I've had so far. It's not been an easy journey, but again... I wouldn't trade the connections I've made with people I care deeply for. Sure, there are some relationships that have faded, some experiences that were painful. But that's the reality of being human.
I know I have the tendency to fall into bouts of low moods, and to see things from a bleak perspective, especially when times get really difficult. And i'm OK with that. I know that I need that space to grief. But I do worry that I may end up depressing others and contributing to their sense of helplessness. Something switched in me this week though. After listening to the song, "Almost Home", I really did get a second wind in some ways, when I wanted to try to persevere and press on albeit the exhaustion and literal physical pain i'm experiencing 24/7. But I hope that I can continue to be authentic with myself and others. To take in every experience as a God-given gift, and to continue to make memories and make meaning in life.
Lord, please grant me strength and wisdom to live each day as my last - that I won't take my life for granted and that I will appreciate the little things.
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