going in circles

Have you ever paused and wondered, "this seems all too familiar...?"

Have you ever gone through life experiences... it may not even necessarily be with the same people... but the feeling you get is that you just had a de javu?

Sometimes I think to myself...

"I've had this conversation before..."
"I've gone through this heartache before..."
"Why does this happen time and time again..?"
"Is this a pattern or some sort in my life that I won't get past until I manage to break the cycle... however that's supposed to be?"

For someone with a behavior therapy background, my functional analysis chart is left empty. I don't even know how to identify what is to change to make things better. Funny thing is, my actions have mostly been driven by my heart and not my head. My head would just tell me to give up, to walk away from the crap I experience/feel... but my heart won't allow me to let go. Always telling me to continue trying, to hang on for dear life.

It seems true that we will hurt more when we feel/love more. That seems like an ironic statement.

Is this a life lesson on love? on perseverance? on faith? All of the above? Do I follow my heart or my head? Could there be a compromise?

Questions with no answers (yet, I hope). How to find these answers? I can only pray for wisdom. Maybe the key is to keep going through these experiences until I find the answer. Sorta like trial and error, perhaps?

Talk is cheap

Recently, I went through a physical difficulty which magnified my emotional struggles. That trial made me realize that some things never change unless something drastic occurs. To know that I won't be taken seriously even though it is a cause for concern (for me, at least), sucks big time.

Unfortunately, I had the displeasure of having someone remind me of it, making me feel as though I was to be blamed for giving control to others, as though I was not making the effort to make things better for myself.

Of course, I ended up more hurt than I already was.

Anyway, as I reflect on this incident, I realize... talk is cheap. I think sometimes it is so easy to fall into the trap of giving our two cents about other people's lives - how they should live it, not knowing the difficulties, the struggles, or even their attempts of actually doing something about it. Sometimes people make comments without realizing how it affects others.

From my training as a mental health professional, I remember being taught time and time again how we may never fully understand what our clients go through or even the consequences of their actions, so we are not to give advice/solutions to solve their problems... and to avoid saying, "I know how you feel..." because really, unless you're in the same shoes, you don't know how it feels like. In fact, you may be in the same shoes, but still have different responses to it.

I think my own struggles and difficulties have allowed me to have a taste of what it is like to be seated in the other chair. As mentioned earlier, sometimes people are quick to give their opinions, like it-is-the-simplest-solution-ever-why-didn't-you-think-of-it? It's so easy to dismiss what other people go through - their pain, their suffering.

To be honest, I am quite put off when I tell certain individuals off for their faulty suggestions/advice, and they apologize by saying, "I'm sorry it came out wrong". That makes me wonder... so, you had something else to say but it came out wrongly... or was that your faulty perception of my experience all along (hence resulting in faulty advice/suggestions)? If you thought that that was what I was doing anyway, what you said didn't come out wrong... because that's what you believed it to be anyway... but your whole thought process was inaccurate. Another thing that irks me, which I know I'm guilty of as well, is saying, "I didn't mean it". If I were to be honest with myself too, I think at that point when I said it, I did mean it... if not, I wouldn't have said it.

Anyway, as much as these exchanges hurt, I realize that it makes me reflect on how I approach or respond to others, and not just limiting my interactions in my professional work. Do I just blab whatever that comes to mind or do I consider its consequences? Since my motto in life has been, "do unto others what you would have them do to you", I hope that I would be more careful with my words and to examine my perceptions when people talk to me about things they may be struggling with or when a scenario is presented to me.

This makes me realize that being an encourager/listener is never an easy task. But I think sometimes it's good to hold our tongue, when we aren't sure how things may be or may turn out to be.

Talk is cheap. But when it is given away, sometimes it may really cost us.

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

Today, I had the privilege to watch the show by Footstool Players, "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" again. And of course, this time I brought my bestfriend, Jessie, a friend who has stuck by me through thick and thin. As I watched the sketches, I noticed the different type of love that was highlighted.

Storge love - the parent-child love (and conflicts)

Eros love - romantic interests

I loved the show as it made me reflect. And I realized that Phileo love (platonic relationships) wasn't depicted. I guess sometimes it's hard to highlight platonic love in shows.

The show concluded with one of the most famous Bible Verses that tends to be recited at weddings.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a, 13 New International Version (NIV)

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. 

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

As I meditate upon every word, I realized..

Wow, to love someone is really difficult.

Due to our fallen/sinful nature, it's easy for us to be self-centered and self-serving. But what God has instructed us to do is a direct opposite. What I see here is a call to "active" love and also restraint. Seems like an oxymoron but it makes sense... well, at least to me.

It's so easy to blow our top. God tells us to be Patient.

It's so easy to utter cruel words or to mistreat others. God tells us to be Kind.

It's so easy to be jealous of other's good fortune (i'm not just talking about material fortune). God tells us to restrain from jealousy. So, if we refrain from jealousy, what are we to do? I think the call here is to share the joys of good fortune with the person. 

It's so easy to just focus and highlight on our own good fortune (again, not just material). God tells us to refrain from being snobs. Again, what are we to do, apart from refraining from boasting/being a snob? I think humility is the key here. 

The list goes on. As I continued to read about love keeping no record of wrongs... love protecting, trusting, hoping and persevering, I can't help but to feel overwhelmed. How do I even do that? Especially when I am in no way able to accomplish that.

While reflecting on this, another bible verse came to mind.

1 John 4:7-21

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God;but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

13 This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit.14 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15 If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. 16 And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. 17 This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

19 We love because he first loved us. 20 Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen,cannot love God, whom they have not seen. 21 And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.

Reading this, I was struck me by a few things:

1. Love originates from God. God has shown us how to love. And He gave us a perfect example - He sacrificed His Only Son to die for us, undeserving sinners. 

2. God has also given us His Spirit to teach us and enable us to love. 

3. We rely on God to make love complete.

4. We love because we have received unconditional love from Him. 

At the end of the day, only God is able to provide us the means to love others the way He wants us to. But we need to strive towards it. It takes effort and courage. And it also requires God's strength and grace.  

Where feet may fail

It's been weeks of ups and downs for me.
Struggling with physical pain (chest pain, numbing and pain on my right arm, stabbing pains from my incision area, etc).
Struggling with psychological battles.
Attempting to suppress my emotions when my "professional" side tells me to embrace them.

Sometimes it feels like I have plunged into the sea, bobbing up and down, spluttering, gasping for air. Trying to desperately wade and keep my head up from the waters. Sometimes it feels like I succeed to keep myself afloat, sometimes i feel like i'm sinking deeper.. today, it felt like I was pulled back into the strong current.

Had difficulty sleeping due to the numbing pain on my arm today, which caused me to miss church. That really sucked. But I decided that I would still want to devote my time to be with Him... and this song kept playing in my head. And it fit perfectly how I've been feeling... and it reminded me that I need to call upon God to save me from this.

OCEANS (WHERE FEET MAY FAIL)

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

As I was meditating on this song, my thoughts were directed to the story of Jesus walking on water. 

Matthew 14:22-33New International Version (NIV)

Jesus Walks on the Water

22 Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23 After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, 24 and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said,“why did you doubt?”

32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

What struck me this time was that Peter saw Jesus walking on the lake, and had requested that Jesus allow him to also walk on water. Peter had taken the initiative, wanting to come before Christ and be with Him. But at the sight of the wind, his fears grew and he began sinking, crying out to Jesus to be saved. "Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him". And Jesus said, "you of little faith, why did you doubt?"

This spoke to me very personally. My pain... my fears... my doubts of myself... are the wind that I see which causes me to tremble and sink deeper into my "depression". But here, Jesus reminds me that my focus should be on Him, not the stormy waves or the howling wind. Also that He will catch me whenever I fall, but I need to have faith that He is always there for me... And I realize what I said earlier in this post, that "sometimes... I succeed to keep myself afloat"... maybe that is why I'm still struggling, because I am trying to do this with my own strength, and not depending on Him to pull me back up.

Interestingly enough, the lyrics of this song also points to my previous post about rest. My soul will only be able to find "rest" if I were to call upon His name, to seek refuge in His embrace. I need to keep my eyes above the waves, and to fix them on Jesus...

Lord, please forgive me for forgetting Your abundant love for me, and that You would always watch over me. I'm sorry for always wanting to take control of my own life and destiny, instead of drawing upon Your strength. Unfortunately, I know this will not be the last time I struggle with this, but thank You for your ever faithfulness. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Grief

It is 2.30am and here I am writing another post.

I know it is ironic since my last entry was about rest, but felt like I needed to get this off my chest (and mind).

I think my grieving is settling in. I missed two good friends' wedding/engagement dinners last week. I was pretty discouraged for not being able to participate in other events as well. I feel left out. Not being able to share special events with loved ones or just being involved with things I love... it's pretty hard for me.

To top it off, I just had a chat with a dear friend who had asked if I could be her bridesmaid for her wedding next year which will be held in New Zealand. I was crushed. I don't know if I can even make it to her wedding since my next surgery will probably be scheduled sometime in January. Her wedding is in March. That isn't a lot of time for me to recuperate or to be fit to fly. Plus, i'm already giving myself the benefit that I won't suffer a stroke after my 2nd surgery. Actually.. my friend's engagement that I missed, I would most likely miss her wedding too, since it would be less than a month after my surgery.

I feel... limited. Honestly, I have a battle in my head. My brain is telling me that I should be thankful I survived my first surgery with little complications. But on the other hand, my heart is hurting. Strangely enough, after writing that my heart was hurting, I felt stabs on my head from my incision wound. Looks like both head and heart is in pain.

I guess why this hurts so much is that I am unable to share special experiences. Sometimes it doesn't help that my parents tell me to get back to "normal". I know these just seem to be one off things but I do grieve that I am sort of incapacitated at the moment. I think that's what's difficult. I look healthy, I seem to look like I can do whatever I used to do... but... I can't. To know I can't just be as carefree, sucks.

Sigh... Lord, You know my grieving heart. Please comfort me...

Rest

Surprisingly... rest isn't easy to do.

I think my family would contest this... saying that I'm resting too much now. Sure, I may not seem to be doing a lot... but somehow I feel "unrested". I realize my thoughts are always on how I can be "normal" again.

Interestingly enough, this topic of rest has come up several times in conversations with different friends. Friends who know me to be the workaholic/constantly-on-the-go. They suggest that maybe this Time has been presented to me so that I can recuperate, rejuvenate and reflect. Something like taking a (forced, mind you) sabbatical.

I always thought that "rest" is a passive action. But it has become clear to me now that I have to make an active decision to rest. Honestly, I associate rest with sleep... and that was pretty much it. In fact, when my accountability partner, Ee Ling, asked me how I was going to rest, I couldn't give her an answer.

Conclusion: I don't know how to rest! *gasp*

That to me was pretty telling about myself. I've been going on and on like some energizer bunny that I have no clue how to recharge.

A friend of mine shared with me that she had a dry work season for 3 months, but she used that time to reflect and to create awareness about herself. So it really is doable.

But I think what really struck me was why it is so difficult for me to actively rest. I think more often than not, I find my worth through things that I do. Ee Ling, spoke to me about the law God had given to the Jews in regards to observing the Sabbath year and Jubilee.

Leviticus 25 New International Version (NIV)

The Sabbath Year

25 The Lord said to Moses at Mount Sinai, 2 “Speak to the Israelites and say to them: ‘When you enter the land I am going to give you, the land itself must observe a sabbath to the Lord. 3 For six years sow your fields, and for six years prune your vineyards and gather their crops. 4 But in the seventh year the land is to have a year of sabbath rest, a sabbath to the Lord. Do not sow your fields or prune your vineyards. 5 Do not reap what grows of itself or harvest the grapes of your untended vines. The land is to have a year of rest. 6 Whatever the land yields during the sabbath year will be food for you—for yourself, your male and female servants, and the hired worker and temporary resident who live among you, 7 as well as for your livestock and the wild animals in your land. Whatever the land produces may be eaten.

The Year of Jubilee

8 “‘Count off seven sabbath years—seven times seven years—so that the seven sabbath years amount to a period of forty-nine years. 9 Then have the trumpet sounded everywhere on the tenth day of the seventh month; on the Day of Atonement sound the trumpet throughout your land. 10 Consecrate the fiftieth year and proclaim liberty throughout the land to all its inhabitants. It shall be a jubilee for you; each of you is to return to your family property and to your own clan. 11 The fiftieth year shall be a jubilee for you; do not sow and do not reap what grows of itself or harvest the untended vines.12 For it is a jubilee and is to be holy for you; eat only what is taken directly from the fields.

13 “‘In this Year of Jubilee everyone is to return to their own property.

14 “‘If you sell land to any of your own people or buy land from them, do not take advantage of each other. 15 You are to buy from your own people on the basis of the number of years since the Jubilee. And they are to sell to you on the basis of the number of years left for harvesting crops. 16 When the years are many, you are to increase the price, and when the years are few, you are to decrease the price, because what is really being sold to you is the number of crops. 17 Do not take advantage of each other, but fear your God. I am the Lord your God.

18 “‘Follow my decrees and be careful to obey my laws, and you will live safely in the land.19 Then the land will yield its fruit, and you will eat your fill and live there in safety. 20 You may ask, “What will we eat in the seventh year if we do not plant or harvest our crops?”21 I will send you such a blessing in the sixth year that the land will yield enough for three years. 22 While you plant during the eighth year, you will eat from the old crop and will continue to eat from it until the harvest of the ninth year comes in.

23 “‘The land must not be sold permanently, because the land is mine and you reside in my land as foreigners and strangers. 24 Throughout the land that you hold as a possession, you must provide for the redemption of the land.

25 “‘If one of your fellow Israelites becomes poor and sells some of their property, their nearest relative is to come and redeem what they have sold. 26 If, however, there is no one to redeem it for them but later on they prosper and acquire sufficient means to redeem it themselves, 27 they are to determine the value for the years since they sold it and refund the balance to the one to whom they sold it; they can then go back to their own property. 28 But if they do not acquire the means to repay, what was sold will remain in the possession of the buyer until the Year of Jubilee. It will be returned in the Jubilee, and they can then go back to their property.

29 “‘Anyone who sells a house in a walled city retains the right of redemption a full year after its sale. During that time the seller may redeem it. 30 If it is not redeemed before a full year has passed, the house in the walled city shall belong permanently to the buyer and the buyer’s descendants. It is not to be returned in the Jubilee. 31 But houses in villages without walls around them are to be considered as belonging to the open country. They can be redeemed, and they are to be returned in the Jubilee.

32 “‘The Levites always have the right to redeem their houses in the Levitical towns, which they possess. 33 So the property of the Levites is redeemable—that is, a house sold in any town they hold—and is to be returned in the Jubilee, because the houses in the towns of the Levites are their property among the Israelites. 34 But the pastureland belonging to their towns must not be sold; it is their permanent possession.

35 “‘If any of your fellow Israelites become poor and are unable to support themselves among you, help them as you would a foreigner and stranger, so they can continue to live among you. 36 Do not take interest or any profit from them, but fear your God, so that they may continue to live among you. 37 You must not lend them money at interest or sell them food at a profit. 38 I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt to give you the land of Canaan and to be your God.

39 “‘If any of your fellow Israelites become poor and sell themselves to you, do not make them work as slaves. 40 They are to be treated as hired workers or temporary residents among you; they are to work for you until the Year of Jubilee. 41 Then they and their children are to be released, and they will go back to their own clans and to the propertyof their ancestors. 42 Because the Israelites are my servants, whom I brought out of Egypt, they must not be sold as slaves. 43 Do not rule over them ruthlessly, but fear your God.

44 “‘Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. 45 You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property. 46 You can bequeath them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life, but you must not rule over your fellow Israelites ruthlessly.

47 “‘If a foreigner residing among you becomes rich and any of your fellow Israelites become poor and sell themselves to the foreigner or to a member of the foreigner’s clan,48 they retain the right of redemption after they have sold themselves. One of their relatives may redeem them: 49 An uncle or a cousin or any blood relative in their clan may redeem them. Or if they prosper, they may redeem themselves. 50 They and their buyer are to count the time from the year they sold themselves up to the Year of Jubilee. The price for their release is to be based on the rate paid to a hired worker for that number of years. 51 If many years remain, they must pay for their redemption a larger share of the price paid for them. 52 If only a few years remain until the Year of Jubilee, they are to compute that and pay for their redemption accordingly. 53 They are to be treated as workers hired from year to year; you must see to it that those to whom they owe service do not rule over them ruthlessly.

54 “‘Even if someone is not redeemed in any of these ways, they and their children are to be released in the Year of Jubilee, 55 for the Israelites belong to me as servants. They are my servants, whom I brought out of Egypt. I am the Lord your God.

Ee Ling pointed out that on those Sabbath years and the year of Jubilee, God gave the Jews the assurance (verses 18-22) that He would provide for them if they were to follow His commands. Sometimes it's difficult to let go of work because I fear I won't be able to take care of myself, but this reminds me that God will always provide sufficiently for me. In this chapter, God had used the phrase, "I am the LORD your God" several times. That gave me comfort, knowing that God is a personal God who would not forsake His people.

While reading the first few verses which spoke about toiling for 6 years, but the 7th year to be offered to the Lord as a Sabbath year, it struck me. I started my working life in late 2007... and this year is 2014. It's been 7 years. I have to say, I had chills run down my spine with that realization. Is God trying to tell me to pause and to focus on resting in Him? I think this is definitely something I need to meditate upon... because honestly, I still don't know what it means to "rest in Him".

While writing this post, this song began playing and I find it so appropriate with this struggle that I have - to find rest in Him and to trust Him wholly to meet my needs... and to lift my burdens to my precious God, in prayer...

SELAH - BE STILL MY SOUL/WHAT A FRIEND WE HAVE

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on your side.

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain
Be still, my soul: Thy best, Thy heavenly friend
Through stormy ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul:
The waves and winds still know (still know)
His voice who ruled them
While He dwelt below

Oh, what peace we often forfeit, oh, what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

Be still my soul.