Grief

It is 2.30am and here I am writing another post.

I know it is ironic since my last entry was about rest, but felt like I needed to get this off my chest (and mind).

I think my grieving is settling in. I missed two good friends' wedding/engagement dinners last week. I was pretty discouraged for not being able to participate in other events as well. I feel left out. Not being able to share special events with loved ones or just being involved with things I love... it's pretty hard for me.

To top it off, I just had a chat with a dear friend who had asked if I could be her bridesmaid for her wedding next year which will be held in New Zealand. I was crushed. I don't know if I can even make it to her wedding since my next surgery will probably be scheduled sometime in January. Her wedding is in March. That isn't a lot of time for me to recuperate or to be fit to fly. Plus, i'm already giving myself the benefit that I won't suffer a stroke after my 2nd surgery. Actually.. my friend's engagement that I missed, I would most likely miss her wedding too, since it would be less than a month after my surgery.

I feel... limited. Honestly, I have a battle in my head. My brain is telling me that I should be thankful I survived my first surgery with little complications. But on the other hand, my heart is hurting. Strangely enough, after writing that my heart was hurting, I felt stabs on my head from my incision wound. Looks like both head and heart is in pain.

I guess why this hurts so much is that I am unable to share special experiences. Sometimes it doesn't help that my parents tell me to get back to "normal". I know these just seem to be one off things but I do grieve that I am sort of incapacitated at the moment. I think that's what's difficult. I look healthy, I seem to look like I can do whatever I used to do... but... I can't. To know I can't just be as carefree, sucks.

Sigh... Lord, You know my grieving heart. Please comfort me...