Fragility of Life

 I'm still very much in shock as I try to grasp with a death that occurred so swiftly. Uncle Loi has been such a great help to me and my family the past months, as I struggled to be the sole caregiver of my parents, and as I grappled with my health issues. Even though I've been accumulating more and more diagnoses, I'm still here and for the most part, I don't look sick (or I try to not look sick). Uncle Loi was diagnosed with 4th stage pancreatic cancer mid February - he didn't have any symptoms prior to his blood test cancer marker suggesting that he had cancer,, later it had spread to his lungs. And it went downhill from there. And today, we received news that he had gone home to be with the Lord in the early morning. All this happened within a month. 

I'm filled with grief - for a Christian brother/uncle who has been generous of his time with my family. On one hand, I'm glad that his suffering was not prolonged, but on the otherhand, I wonder why he was taken so quickly. I can only imagine the heartache of his family. This loss felt so abrupt.

What is God's Will in these matters of terminal illness? I know I will never comprehend God's big picture in its fullness. I wonder why I'm spared from death at this point in time when my so many parts of my body is just going haywire. To some extent, I recognize that I'm experiencing survivor's guilt. The same guilt I felt when aunty SY passed away. Again, someone who was praying hard for my recovery, and she passed on from cancer as well. "It could have been me" is something that pops up in my mind. 

Again, I don't know why these things happen but I pray that I won't take life for granted and that I can live it to the full while I can. This recent hospitalization, current bleeding, poor memory and word recall i'm experiencing has made me realize that i'm on a decline myself. I take much longer to recover from activities while my body feels heavy and drained all the time. How do I function in such cases? Do I try to push myself to engage? Or do I just rest? But how much rest is needed? Even with 3 weeks of rest, I am still feeling like i'm at square one. It doesn't help that I don't look sick and my pain threshold is high.