One Thing

Through the years I've observed the probable reason why Jesus was indignant when his disciples rebuked the little children that came to Jesus. 

Mark 10:14-15 ~ "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."  

Child-like wonder. Innocence of a child. These are common phrases in our vocabulary.

Unless traumatically-conditioned to be hypervigilant, kids have a willingness to trust in authority figure(s) that is/are significant to them. There is this curiosity in little children as well that is fascinating and oftentimes, amusing. But as they develop to tweenhood, adolescent and later young adults years, the battle for individuation and autonomy intensifies - wanting to do things their own way, the reluctance to be vulnerable, etc. I see this parallel with my spiritual life. As adults, we become habitual creatures set in our ways. We tend to complicate things. We believe we know better than others. 

In Scripture, there has been passages that describe the Christian walk to be a simple concept. I'm emphasizing that the concept seems straightforward enough, but as a grown person, I realize I tend to overthink things. and I admit I'm a ruminator.

To help with my meditation and reflection, I'm trying to compile these verse that have the similar theme of One Thing.  

Psalm 27:1, 4 - 5
"The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?... One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high upon a rock"

In this passage, King David's plea and sole focus, is that he will seek the Lord throughout his lifetime while resting on the intimate knowledge that God is his light, salvation and stronghold. In later psalms, he goes on to exclaim what can mere men do to him! What do I seek out for? Do I seek for my own (material) gain and pleasure? Do I seek for approval from mankind? 

Luke 10:38 - 42

Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me." But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

This is one of the Bible stories I hold dear to my heart because I see myself very much as Martha. I tend to put a lot of effort in DOING because that's where I place my sense of worth. But here, Jesus said that the one thing that was necessary was to actually sit at His feet, to listen to Him and to enjoy His presence. I know I still struggle with this because I do enjoy like to work but I need to get my priorities right - to ensure I'm rooted in Christ and His teachings. So a close friend suggested that instead of being fully Martha or fully Mary, its finding a balance (Martha + Mary = Marty). So from time to time, she asks if I am being a Marty.

John 9:25

He answered, "Whether he is a sinner I do not know. One thing I do know, that though I was blind, now I see."

This story looks at a man who was given his sight after so many years of being born blind. And the Pharisees were not satisfied with the answers he was giving them because it didn't serve their purpose/agenda/beliefs. This makes me think of the incidents of churches that argue amongst themselves and each other in regards to practices. Doctrine is definitely not something to be dismissed, but it saddens me when I hear instances of churches breaking up because of certain practices (i.e. the color of the veil women are to wear). And I wonder - is this really what God wants us to argue about? What is the essence of being a Christian? It is looking at the fruits that is borne, the lives we touch. When start being petty and legalistic, how different are we from the Pharisees of old? So what do I know as my belief as a Christian? That Jesus is the Son of God. He came to earth, born of a virgin mother, lived as fully man and fully God. He died to take away my sin and rose again on the 3rd day, conquering death and my bondage to sin. And with this belief, I want to follow Him, living my life as a testimony, with Him having modeled the Christian life for me. 

Philippians 3:12-14

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 

I think this very much ties in with the point above. So what do I want to do with the life that has been charged to me? What is my goal? How do I want to journey in this lifetime? I love how the ESV states that its about "straining forward". It's not a walk in the park but it's also about letting go of the things that would hinder us from striving towards God's call and His prize. Pain is inevitable but we can make it worthwhile. One of the things I used to struggle very much with was guilt. Guilt of the sins I've committed or things I could have done better as His servant and it would bog me down, even though I have prayed for forgiveness, repented of my actions and tried to be more mindful to follow His nudgings. And my spiritual director asked me if this guilt which I've carried for years was actually bringing me closer to God or driving me further away. This was a good question - because sometimes that guilt brought shame which made me feel disconnected from God, and I would not be able to come before God. So it was also me having to forgive myself and to not let these mistakes define who I am now because I am changing with His guidance and strength. 

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I don't claim to be a perfect Christian, far from in fact as I rely on Christ to sanctify me. But for me, the challenge is to go back to the essence of what it means to be a follower of Christ. What does it mean to be a Christian? Who am I modeling after? Why do I do what I do? What is my goal? How will I attain it? 

In Loving Memory

It's been more than a month since your passing, Aunty Aegile. 

I won't forget that you had gathered friends to pray for me as I was admitted to the hospital on March 4th for my PLDD surgery, only for me to find out from Kat that you were rushed to the hospital yourself in the wee hours of the morning on the day I was discharged. And on March 9th, you had gone home to be with our Lord. I wasn't even allowed to go for your funeral because it was so soon after my surgery. I found myself in tears today as I thought of you, a grief that I had tucked aside. 

Thank you for being a role model in the way you fought for the rights of the marginalized. Thank you for your selflessness. Thank you for the impact you've had in my life, and for the reminder that the fight and advocacy continues. 

You Call Me Out Upon The Waters

(Image shared by a friend)

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown

Where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours

You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed

And You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours

And You are mine (You are mine)

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

Oh, Jesus, You're my God

I will call upon Your name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in Your embrace

I am Yours

And You are mine 

God's Timing Part 4

 Again, God's Timing really amazes me. 

The past week as I considered the possibility of pursuing the IJM role, my mind was overwhelmed with thoughts. I have been getting ahead of myself, and wrestling with what is deemed a "wise" decision. If I were to wholeheartedly pursue a full time job, am I testing God's grace and mercy for me? As a Christian, Phil 4:13 ("I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me") is very much drilled into me. But when does it become a testimony of trust.. and when does it become a test for God?

Today, it felt as though God was sending me His answer through different sources to trust in His plans, His timings and His providences. 

A friend shared her prayer for me and I was touched by it as it was a reminder for me to surrender to His outcomes.

And my friend from another NGO messaged me for my IJM updates, 2 hours before my phonecall with the headhunter - the last we spoke was before my 2nd hospitalization. And she was able to empathize with my health concerns, as she has her own health issues. She shared with me how things still get done on her part, and how she sees God providing for her every need. And of course, she shared with me the reality of her work - the difficult bits, the human failings, etc. Again... a reminder that life is not a bed of roses, sweet and soft. In those roses are sharp thorns. But the biggest reminder that is being drilled into me today, is that all will work out for good if it is truly my calling. (Romans 8:28) 

And my ex-pastor friend reminded me that there isn't one right answer, but the important thing is that I continue to honour God whatever the outcome is. She shared with me that it's perfectly fine to dream, but at what cost am I going to pursue it? The real danger is if I pursue this dream more than I pursue God. And perhaps, one of the ways to consider this is if I will still be satisfied in Christ if I do not get what I want.

Those were God's wisdom, coming from dear friends. 

During the phonecall, I still chose to be transparent with my health issues, because I did not want this to be a surprise to anyone. And if this unfortunately causes me to be dropped out of the running for this role, then maybe it is not meant for me. It will hurt for sure, and I will take time to heal and grieve, but I will eventually bounce back. 

But as of now. I don't know what the outcome is. I managed to secure a second phone call with the headhunter and my NGO friend told me to list her as a referee. At the end of the day, I'm reminded God has plans for me. I have no idea what they are and for a control freak, it is unnerving. But this is part and parcel of learning to trust. And I will continually struggle. But may these words come to me when I need them most. It's interesting how these are things i know but they so easily slip my mind. But I'm thankful that God sends reminders to help me refocus. In fact as I was going through my spotify list, I stumbled upon this recommended song I've never heard before. And it feels like another answered prayer to ground me deeper in God.

Peace Be Still by Hope Darst

I don't want to be afraid

Every time I face the waves

I don't want to be afraid

I don't want to be afraid

I don't want to fear the storm

Just because I hear it roar

I don't want to fear the storm

I don't want to fear the storm

Peace be still

Say the word and I will

Set my feet upon the sea

Till I'm dancing in the deep

Peace be still

You are here so it is well

Even when my eyes can't see

I will trust the voice that speaks

I'm not gonna be afraid

'Cause these waves are only waves

I'm not gonna be afraid

No, I'm not gonna be afraid

I'm not gonna fear the storm

You are greater than it's roar

I'm not gonna fear the storm

I'm not gonna fear at all

Peace be still

Say the word and I will

Set my feet upon the sea

Till I'm dancing in the deep

Peace be still

You are here so it is well

Even when my eyes can't see

I will trust the voice that speaks

Peace peace over me

Let faith rise up

Oh heart believe

Let faith rise up in me

Let faith rise up

Oh heart believe

Let faith rise up in me

Let faith rise up

Oh heart believe

Let faith rise up in me

Let faith rise up

Oh heart believe

Let faith rise up in me

Peace be still

Say the word and I will

Set my feet upon the sea

Till I'm dancing in the deep

Peace be still

You are here so it is well

Even when my eyes can't see

I will trust the voice that speaks

Peace peace over me

Peace peace over me

You speak peace

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Proverbs 16:9 ~ "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps".

Psalms 37:4 ~ "Take delight in the Lord , and he will give you the desires of your heart".

May my desires be aligned to His Heart.

Living Life to the Fullest

Live life to the fullest. Carpe diem ("Seize the day"). YOLO (you only live once).

A few weeks ago, my surgeon encouraged me to live life to the fullest with the time I have. And this is something I agree with. But come to think of it, what does this entail? How does one live life to the fullest?  

What does it mean to live life to the fullest?

One of the concepts I'm hooked to is that, at the end of the day, I want my actions to be intentional and not leave room for regret. But is that putting a lot of pressure on myself? I mean... as a fallen person, there will be regrets. It doesn't help that I tend to be very hard on myself when I perceive I'm not living up to standards (whose standards? That's another big question). 

I catch myself feeling the urgency and intensity of doing things, maybe even risking myself when I think of the word "fullest". It may be the semantics of it but it does have an extreme connotation that is subconscious to me. Like the YOLO movement which encourages people to embrace behaviours even if they carry inherent risks. So in a sense, to live rather impulsively with no/less considerations for consequences. 

Is that how I want to live my life though? That would be a contradiction to my goal in being intentional and purposeful if I were to act impulsively and taking shortsighted risks.

In my previous posts, I've been pondering about giving myself space. Maybe I need to allot space, flexibility and self-compassion here too - for regrets... for failures... for missed opportunities - when they occur.

It's dawning on me that to "live life to the fullest" seems like a rather vague value. Maybe I need to break down this broad term.

How do I envision myself living life to the fullest?
What do I see myself doing, and being?
What are the flexible, life-enhancing behaviours I can engage in, both great and small?
How do I want to treat myself?
How do I want to treat others and the world around me?
What is God inviting me to do? What is God's calling for me?

I'm going to give myself time to think about this, while allowing myself to breathe and to slow down but I'm thankful I've got these questions out of my system. And I'll come back to it when I'm ready.

But something I'm taking away from this rambling is flexibility and self-compassion. (I realize it's partly answering the "how do I want to treat myself?" question). Again, it ties in to giving space to myself to live in the moment and not be too hooked/caught up with what may be or what may not be because that's the future, and I have no control over that. 

Slow Down, Pei Pei

 So... I've been able to slow down my body quite a bit to allow my muscles to heal. But one thing I struggle with, is slowing down my mind. In fact, due to me slowing down physically, I've been absorbing my surroundings a lot more, which in turn leads me to observe dynamics and my own thoughts and responses. 

Because my mind is so full and overwhelming, I've resorted to jotting down all my reflections as an outlet for my thoughts. Hence the influx of posts of late. But I need to slow my thoughts down too. While i'm trying to be intentional with my actions, I think I need to be mindful of the present as well. Taking one step at a time. I recognize I've been getting ahead of myself and my thoughts and questions tend to spiral. I literally have been having conversations with myself on a daily basis since my hospitalizations. Self-talk on its own is normal, but it feels like a very noisy/chaotic internal debate right now. 

The ACT approach that I practice, suggests this mindfulness training technique - allowing thoughts to just flow past. You can use the analogy of leaves on a stream or boats in a river. So happen I came across this joke and I can totally relate to it.

That's my mind right there. Totally cluttered and thoughts just bumping into each other. (talking about perfect timing, a therapist friend just shared this to our group whatsapp too. strange no?) 

But jokes aside, I think I need to be more purposeful in grounding myself to reality by using my senses. And i've been trying some of these strategies.

Smell: I've been applying my lavender oil and sniffing it (i'm now sounding like an addict, well... at least it's not glue). 

Touch: I've been clenching and unclenching my fists, wiggle my toes and just mindfully planting my feet on the ground. I've also been hugging my gigantic bear in my room (I named it Huggy for a reason).

I'm also taking deep breaths and focusing on inhaling and exhaling. I realize whenever I'm mindfully practising these grounding techniques, they do work but it is definitely a battle with my brain. Maybe I need to get out to nature again. That does tend to settle me down quite well. Lying in a river would be even better, but that's not an option at this time. Sad.

God, please help put a rest to my thoughts. I'm feeling worn out by them. Help me discern what is helpful and what isn't. It feels like I am behaving like Peter - being distracted by the winds and waves again, Please guide me to be rooted in Your wisdom and understanding.  

Update: While lying in bed yesterday with Huggy and mindfully doing deep breathing exercises, these bible verses came to mind.

Philippians 4:6-7 ~ "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus"

Psalm 46:10 ~ "Be still and know that I am God"

Exodus 14:14 ~ "The LORD will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace"

Not only my body needs to be still, my thoughts need to be decluttered. it's definitely still a work in progress, but Lord, please help me trust Your plan and process. Please grant me peace in You.

Problem-solver

As a person who has a track record of constantly being on the go, me intentionally slowing down has helped slow down my body but in return, my mind buzzes with more observations than usual. And it makes me wonder if this has been my defense mechanism all this while - to drown out my thoughts as I am on automatic "do-mode". 

I had the privilege of recuperating at my colleague's home after my 2nd hospitalization. She gave me the space to recuperate as I wanted, and we would have meals together and have deep conversations. In one of those meal times, we spoke about the dynamics I had with people, specifically my family. It intrigued her that I seem to function as the problem-solver, tasked to keep the family running, even though I'm the youngest in my family. And I too wondered, how did this dynamic come to be.

With me being able to slow down while recuperating, I began noticing more and more of my personality and the dynamics that I tend to naturally ease into. Maybe my training as a therapist has also impacted my skills to problem-solve.

While staying with said colleague, she had very generously allowed me to use her Netflix account, and I decided to watch this reality show called Top Chef. I had actually watched this exact series when I was in the US (2006-2007), so I'm not sure what made me want to watch it again. But what intrigued me was the difference in my thought processes now. Watching Top Chef and seeing certain dynamics (i.e. contestants arguing, and their decisions), I realize I was observing their thought processes, and their problem-solving and conflict resolution abilities, and I was picturing what could have been done to do better or to resolve the issues that they faced. 

My mind really doesn't shut down, does it?

A day after, when my colleague had left for work and I was alone. To my horror, the flush handle had come off and was in my hand. And again, I went straight to problem-solving mode - trying to think of different ways to fix it. Looking at the flush handle from different angles. Identifying what are the possible steps of action. I decided to macgyver it. and then later I found a solution. In the end from my detective skills, I realize I didn't damage it, the screws had come off. Lo and behold, i fixed the flush. 

I was relieved that I managed to resolve this. Deep down, I didn't want to get into trouble or to inconvenience my colleague for damaging her property. But it made me recognize that I AM naturally a problem-solver. And I tend to take that role on so organically... that after a while, people just expect that of me. They no longer feel the need to problem-solve because they could just call on me to do it, and I would instinctively play that role, and have been busting my brains and energy to resolve things.

So with me learning to slow down now, I am trying to be more intentional with what I allow myself to do. Do I really need to be the problem-solver? So I too need to practice letting go. Me being a control freak doesn't help either, I know. One thing I'm trying to do now is to detach from doing. It's going to take some time to get used to this. And people will push boundaries too. but it's a learning curve.

Maybe I need to learn to detach my thoughts that keep running through my head too. 

Finding Space

Recently, especially during my hospitalizations and the week or so that I was discharged... I was overwhelmed with frustration and resentment as I was still held responsible to play certain active roles and I felt that my need to rest and recuperate was dismissed and disrespected. I'll be honest and admit that I was rather reactive towards these frequent reminders that I still needed to look into work and home stuff, and my stress intensified. It was so bad that my torn muscle area had actually worsened and swelled up, causing much concern from both my surgeon and physiotherapist. 

Then one day as I was reading Lori Gottlieb's Maybe You Should Talk To Someone, she recalled jotting down this on her notebook, "reacting vs. responding = reflexive vs chosen", which in turn was inspired by two quotes by Viktor Frankl, author of Man's Search for Meaning.

"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances"

and

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom"

I recall a similar conversation I had just short of a month prior, when I noticed myself experiencing mixed emotions at one particular time. And how I allowed myself to feel both emotions, but also at the end choosing to focus more energy on the emotion that gave me peace and was life-giving. In fact, just the night before I read this chapter, another dear friend had suggested that I ignore all the expectations dumped on me during my healing period.

I needed to give myself SPACE. 

To pause.

To ponder what a helpful response (to me) would be, instead of just immediately reacting. 

Unfortunately, there will always be people who are really poor at respecting boundaries and I have no control over that. What I do have control over is my response. It's really hard to practice this, believe me. But I have been attempting to be more intentional to allow myself space when something comes my way, and I can already notice the difference it makes. I am more at peace and better able to regulate my emotions. I feel less powerless as well since it is my choice to respond the way I do now.

A byproduct of me practicing this, I realize, was me developing a deeper compassion for those who were stressing me out. Because, now I wasn't just focused on how I felt misunderstood and taken for granted... but I was giving room for myself to better understand the possible underlying factors that contributed to that communication. 

For example, I began to recognize that my mom's overreliance on me was also a method for her to connect with me because she missed me while I was in the hospital (this was corroborated by a church member). And I then understood - with me being away, she was left lonely as I tend to engage with her if I were home. Isolated with little engagement. And being an Asian family, we don't talk about feelings. Asking me to do things was one of her attempts to communicate with me.   

Honestly, when I had this realization, I also noticed guilt beginning to creep into me. 

Maybe I shouldn't have been so harsh... I feel bad.

But then again, I did need that uninterrupted time for my body to heal. The challenge now was to accept both realities and to consider what are my options for a healthy response - to recognize that my mom felt lonely, and yet not be wrecked with guilt that I said no countless times to my mom when she asked me to help her with things, and also attempt to practice kindness while maintaining my boundaries.

I know this is something I will struggle with (and forget) time and time again. But hopefully with more practice, it will become more natural.

I'm also thankful that I've giving myself space to reflect on this so that I can keep it close to heart.   

God's Timing Part 3

Honestly, this is an unexpected follow-up of my recent two posts on God's Timing. 

For context sake, during my first recovery period, a dear colleague of mine had informed me that her family was leaving Malaysia for good in a few months. They were supposed to have left last year but plans were stalled due to Covid. Because of this, a few of us decided to make a trip to the river restaurant that I'd recommended before. My colleague wanted to have this experience before leaving. This was also going to be my first outing since my hospitalizations, so I was very excited to get out of the house and enjoy quality time with my dear friends.

But while we were making our way to the destination, I observed how beautiful and blue the skies were. It was practically cloudless - makes me regret not snapping a picture of this scene. And when we got to the restaurant, I very quickly got myself comfortable in the river (of course). And I looked around me and I felt this deep sense of appreciation. I was surrounded by trees. I was practically IN the river, enjoying the cool waters as it continued on it's path. 

I was in nature. 

And automatically my first post on God's Timing came to mind, where I lamented on how difficult it was to venture to the luscious greens that was partly hidden from my sight. But now. I was face-to-face with it. In fact, I was literally IN it. I was doing the very thing I felt was kept from me two plus weeks ago. 

(the view I was grieved by during my hospitalization)

(today's view of nature)

This realization brought a lot of joy to my heart. Sure, there were more people this time, making it more crowded and noisier, but I was just so thankful of this opportunity to do what I yearned to do, that is to commune with nature, that it was not much of a setback. I was just happy to be there. 

God had yet again blessed me and gave me the desire of my heart. I had waited 3 weeks for it. 

But it was worth it.    

In Reverance of God, Who Was and Is and Is to Come.

In my previous post, I was challenged to consider who God is, and how that would help strengthen my trust in Him, and be obedient to His leading. I was also led to remember the work on the cross that brought me back in fellowship with Him. And this song came to mind. It reminds me of God's holiness, beauty, faithfulness and permanence. With all this in mind, what is our response? 

So this has been playing in my Spotify playlist, but I also received an opportunity to sing this with a total stranger who had recorded her parts online. I felt really blessed to praise and exalt God alongside this person. I typically do not post songs I've sung but I felt the urging to keep this song and its lyrics close to heart.

Revelation Song

Worthy is the Lamb who was slain

Holy, holy is He

Sing a new song to Him who sits on

Heaven's mercy seat

Worthy is the Lamb who was slain

Holy, holy is He

Sing a new song to Him who sits on

Heaven's mercy seat

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty

Who was and is and is to come

With all creation I sing praise to the King of kings

You are my everything and I will adore You

Clothed in rainbows of living color

Flashes of lightning rolls of thunder

Blessing and honor strength and glory and power be

To You the only one wise King

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty

Who was and is and is to come

With all creation I sing praise to the King of kings

You are my everything and I will adore You

Filled with wonder awestruck wonder

At the mention of Your name

Jesus Your name is power, breath and living water

Such a marvelous mystery

Oh

Oh, You're worthy, God

You are worthy

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty

Who was and is and is to come

With all creation I sing praise to the King of kings

You are my everything and I will adore You

I will adore You 

God's Timing Part 2

As mentioned in my prior post, "God's Timing Part 1", a friend and colleague had come in my time of sorrow while I was hospitalized. As we spoke and gave space for silence, two Bible stories came to her mind - the fall of Jericho and Peter walking on water. At the time that I reflected on these two stories, it was nearing Good Friday and Easter. And the dots began to connect. These two Bible stories, one from the Old Testament and the other from the New Testament helped enrich my appreciation of God's ultimate plan to save us, and helped me find my footing again.  

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Bible Story #1: The Fall of Jericho (Joshua 5:14 - 6:27)

This was a familiar Bible story to me, but I had not really considered it's practical applications for me as an adult now. As a child, it was just one of those amazing miracles that Bible is peppered with. But reading this passage again, as an adult, I placed myself in the shoes of Joshua and the fighting men, and I wondered what would have gone through their minds. How did they feel when God gave them His instructions. 

My realist mind had these questions:

"What? We're going to war but all we're supposed to do is to march round the city walls and have the priests blow the trumpets? And we're supposed to do this for 6 days? Oh, and you're telling me we're only supposed to shout and make all the noise we can on the 7th day? How are we going to win a war this way? This does not make ANY sense"

(I would have been one of the Israelites that would have been left in the desert to die before reaching the Promise land due to my doubting attitude and grumbling behaviours. and that is a wake up call on its own)

Really... If I'm truly honest with myself, if I were one of the men, I would have struggled with these instruction with God and probably would have tried to come up with other plans. But we read that Joshua, the priests and the men TRUSTED and OBEYED that God would fulfill His promise to them. What struck me was that God had used a past tense (according to the English Bible), "See, I have delivered Jericho into your hands, along with its king and its fighting men." Victory was already ensured. Jericho did not fall thanks to the effort of the Israelites. Jericho fell because God deemed it to be so. God had set His plan into motion already. What the Israelites needed to do was to BELIEVE and to FOLLOW God's command. 

Honestly, I have been feeling disheartened of late. I felt God was dangling a carrot in front of my face with the IJM position, something I likened to a dream job. A friend commented that the job description "fit like a glove" with my personality and my passion. And then my second hospitalization occured when already I was weighing in on my health status. Impulsively, I really just wanted to drop everything to take this job on. A later conversation with an activist friend helped to slow me down and process my thoughts - what attracted me to do this job? She also reminded me of the bureaucratic realities that come with this job, and the frustrations and stress I would encounter. In fact, because of my hospitalization, I had the chance to reconnect with a friend whom I could talk to that would help clear my thoughts on wether IJM is a feasible job option for me. Maybe God is preparing me for this work, so I am not just diving head first because it seems right, but to really know what I am signing myself up for. I realized that a lot of my prior thoughts were centered around what I could do to get things going. My control freak nature was taking its course.  

This Bible story reminded me of Ephesians 2:8-9 "For it is by Grace that you have been saved, through Faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the Gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast". 

It made me realize that God's leading may not make any earthly sense at times. God wants to show that we will only be saved and protected by His grace and mercy, not by anything we do. It is His GIFT, so I can't give props to my own ability and be prideful. 

The question is:

Do I have faith in God's power and promises? Do I believe in God's love for me? Do I think of God as a spiteful God who would dangle something I am passionate about only to take it away from me? Do I trust that God has plans for me? Will I surrender to His Will? Am I willing to listen and obey His directions even when I cannot grasp the fullness of it from my limited, human perspective? Will I trust His Timing? 

Bible passages that speak of God's promises and instructions began to flood my mind. There are so many more of these promises and declarations from God that I would not be able to finish noting down.  

Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord"

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God"

Romans 12:12 "Rejoice in Hope, be Patient in tribulation, be Constant in prayer"

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to Prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you Hope and a Future"

Numbers 6:24 - 26 "The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make His face shine on you and be Gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you Peace" 

When I reflect on the last passage, of Numbers 6:24-26, I am reminded of a song that God placed in my heart on the last day of year 2020. And the song was inspired by this passage. In hindsight, it feels as though God was preparing me, reminding me of His Presence and Peace before my health began showing the signs of deterioration I had sensed was coming. These passages that came to me was a reminder that God is ultimately in control and I can be assured of His Timing and His Plans for me. It made me realize again the importance of deepening my relationship with Him and to commune with Him - to be sensitive to His leading so I can take action when He wants me to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bible Story #2: Peter Walking on Water (Matthew 14:22 - 33)

What resonated with me the most while reflecting on this Bible story this time was Jesus' responses to His disciples. When He had initially appeared to them, they were terrified and His immediate response was to assure them, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid" (verse 27). When Paul began sinking and cried out to Jesus to save him, Jesus "immediately reached out his hand and caught him" (verse 31).
The question that followed felt like a question presented to me, "You of little faith... why did you doubt?" 
Whenever I read this in the past, I had always imagined Jesus being angry, the tone loaded with accusation. But this time, I imagined Jesus expressing sadness. Peter was one of His disciples, in fact, Peter had the privilege of being part of the "inner circle", one of the three disciples closest to Jesus. He was a first-hand eyewitness to all the miracles performed by Jesus. Jesus had even healed his mother-in-law. So why would he doubt Jesus' power? This struck me hard. While I may not see Jesus in the flesh, I have seen how He provides for me. Countless prayers of mine have been answered. While I've experienced deep sorrow, I've also experienced peace that passes all human understanding in the face of earthly struggles.

I, like Peter, had become distracted by the howling winds and the crashing waves that surround me. And it caused me to start sinking. Jesus had meant for Peter to focus on Him. Jesus means for me to fix my eyes upon Him.
This reminded me of the Scriptural passage of Hebrews 12:1 - 3
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." 

What are the thoughts and things that have been hindering me from trusting God's plan? If I pay attention only to my fears, limitations and own capacity, I will sink. I can't go through this hurdle on my own. Only God can lead me to green pastures. God's call for me is to surrender myself to Him and to place my focus on Him, so that I can finish running the race He intended me to. Jesus too, experienced much sorrow while on earth. He too endured much opposition. He isn't detached from our human, painful experience. And because of this shared experience, I know He can truly empathize with me. 

The same questions pop up:

Do I have faith in God's power and promises? Do I believe in God's love for me? Do I think of God as a spiteful God who would dangle something I am passionate about only to take it away from me? Do I trust that God has plans for me? Will I surrender to His Will? Am I willing to listen and obey His directions even when I cannot grasp the fullness of it from my limited, human perspective? Will I trust His Timing? 

Honestly, the waiting, while I surrender to God's Plan and Will, is painful. A friend reminded me that the waiting between Jesus' death and resurrection was scary for the disciples. Their Lord was murdered in the most brutal way. They were grieving. They did not know what was going to happen next and they hid themselves. 

In parallel, my waiting has been painful - whether I am waiting for healing, for new job opportunities, or even for something different than my illnesses.

In Jesus' time, no one except God knew that it would take 3 days for God's promise of victory over sin and death would come to pass. But when the time came, Jesus' resurrection was in accordance to God's perfect timing. He had foretold this for thousands of years, with every single prophecy fulfilled. And the resurrection was glorious.  

In my case, I have been gifted the Word of God that tells of His Love and Goodness. For me, I am to recognize Him for who He is, and the promises He has proclaimed. The only thing that I can cling to and hope for, that will never waver or fail me, is God. 

My friend, Su-Hwei, had very succinctly summarized my thoughts when she said, 
"there is the promise (God's job),

 and there is obedience (our job),

and the promise is the hope that compels our obedience"

In line with God's perfect timing, I came across an article, "They Did Not Break His Legs: Daring to Hope on Holy Saturday", and what stayed with me was this paragraph:
"Note well, the promise of resurrection does not mean a promise of no death. In fact, he promise of resurrection assumes death. You must first die to be brought back to life. Psalm 34:20 does not promise the righteous man will not suffer in the flesh, and even suffer to death. But it does promise that God will raise him. God will put him back together and give him flesh again and breath again. And affliction, even if it kills him, could not defeat the righteous in the end. Which is not only true, figuratively, for Jsus, but literally. And that first ray of resurrection hope."

The grave was necessary for resurrection. Suffering and pain is hard to bear. And again, God does not promise that things will be smooth sailing. But what He has promised is His Presence amidst the pain. 

Honestly, my reflections here do not mean that I have all the answers. I am still uncertain of what lies ahead. But what has shifted is that instead of despair, I feel His Peace that things will happen according to His Will. And it is my role to trust in His leading. If it is God's blessing for me to take on IJM, He will prepare me for it and will provide the way.

It feels timely to close my current thoughts with a song that had just popped into my mind, and its lyrics are very appropriate to what I've been reflecting on.

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus (Look Up!)

Oh weary mind, oh troubled soul
All the broken pieces that You hold
Turn them over, give them up
And then watch what Jesus does

Oh heavy heart, oh heavy load
Lay it down and let it go
Leave your broken yesterdays
In the open arms of grace

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And watch the world grow dim
Standing next to Him
In the light of His glory and grace

Oh frozen hope, oh broken dreams
Just like a boat tossed on the raging seas
You will walk on waves again
When you have set your gaze on Him

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And watch the world grow dim
Standing next to Him
In the light of His glory and grace

So look up, look up
This is a song about the morning
After a long night
So look up, look up
This is a song about believing
It's gonna be alright, when you

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
I wanna grow dim
Standing next to Him
In the light of His glory and grace

So look up, look up
So look up, look up

God's Timing Part 1

It is only April 2021 but much has happened within the last few months. I'm breaking this reflection into two parts for me to be able to process and appreciate them more fully.

Safe Haven

This was a vision I had a decade ago - to set up an initiative spearheaded by a team of different professionals to provide holistic services to our marginalized communities. Just last year, it was my request to God that He would allow this to happen before He takes me Home. And soon after, things just started to fall into place. Seeing how Safe Haven came to be is a miracle as I observe Him at work, providing what my team needs, and directing me to people who will make this work. I've been blessed to have friends who are like-minded and are motivated to serve. I've often reflected on why it took 10 years for this initiative to materialize and the biggest factor that kept coming up was the perfection of God's Timing. I needed to be prepared beforehand before taking this on. Honestly, if I had forced my way years ago, this initiative would very much be led by my own strength and it would be a boost to my own pride, instead of it being God's work. Also, these years were needed for my team to develop and prepare themselves to be who they are now. Things now fell into place when they needed to be. Interactions occured and help came even at times when I did not realize I needed them. But God knew and provided. My challenge is to be sensitive to His nudging and direction, to trust His leading and to take action when I sensed His urging. 

Trials and Opportunities

 I entered the year experiencing alot of physical discomfort and pain. But me being me (later I realized that there was a general consensus between my friends and even my surgeon that I am a workaholic and with a very high pain threshold), I dismissed the severity of this issue. At the end, I discovered that my neck was degenerating and after several weeks, the plan was to undergo a surgery to resolve this pain. Remember how I am a workaholic with a high pain threshold? I also had a lot of responsibilities that I had to shoulder during my recuperation period which caused SEVERE pain. I ended up rushing to the emergency room, and later found out that I had torn a few muscles. And that resulted in a week's stay in the hospital for my surgeon and anesthetist to monitor my condition.

On the day that I was rushed to the hospital, I was supposed to have a video call with a headhunter for a job that very much attracted my attention. That position felt like one specifically fashioned for me. I was really excited at this prospect but what weighed heavily was my concern and fear - whether I could really do this work due to my unending list of chronic illnesses. 

The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. This thought kept flashing in my mind as I considered this opportunity. And then, the unexpected happened - I was hospitalized. Again. The irony was this hospitalization was even longer than my hospitalizations for my brain surgeries.

  

This was my view when I sat in the chair next to my hospital bed and it was pretty much my only exposure to the world outside for the week that I was admitted. As I looked through the window, I noticed vehicles driving past and people were walking to their respective destinations. Looking further, there were luscious greens and trees, and as a person who loves nature, it was something I yearned to immerse myself in. But this magnificent sight was also being obstructed by this massive window pane. 

And it hit me. This felt like a reflection of my life's horizon. Things were in motion and the world was passing by as per normal, but acutely, I felt stuck in the same place. The luscious green nature that I wanted to engage with was not within reach and even my view of it was blocked. I felt trapped by these obstacles. It was so painful and confusing - the hospital was a place designed to allow me to rest and recuperate, but it also reminded me of my physical limitations and hindered me from moving forward. 

A day prior, I was feeling overwhelmed as I was getting messages from my family who still expected me to manage the responsibilities of home and my siblings weren't very helpful in taking over. A person I work with also attempted to engage in work-related conversations and it filled me with anger and frustration due to the insensitivity to my need to recuperate. I was also bogged down with guilt as I observed Safe Haven becoming stagnant due to my inactivity - this was my greatest fear I had anticipated and had tried to resolve by attempting to build up a core team. Unfortunately, my hospitalizations occured before this could be finalized.  

With this, I broke down. My mind was flooded with questions and thoughts directed to God. 

Father, You seem to have placed opportunities my way... but I don't understand what Your current plan is for me, Lord.
How much longer do I need to bear with this painful trial?
What am I to learn from this?
What am I to do? How do I resolve this?
I am so tired, Lord. 
As a person living with chronic illnesses and a deteriorating body, the grief never ends. 

I found myself glued to this last thought. No matter how much I've accepted my journey with illness... I realize the grieving will continue as my body deteriorates further. And the sense of urgency to do more intensified. So did my depression and helplessness. 

Yet again, God's Timing was perfect as He sent a friend and colleague to be present with me while I mourned... and this provided me much comfort. This particular friend was also having her own recent health struggles and we could both relate and empathize with each other. Truly, God sent the person who had experienced the sense of loneliness a health struggle brings. Through her, God provided that safe space I needed to voice my pain and His Word was also shared to encourage me, which I will elaborate on in the 2nd part of my reflection. Later that same night, another friend share with me a song that spoke deeply to me. It is called "Even If" by MercyMe.

Even If

They say sometimes you win some

Sometimes you lose some

And right now, right now I'm losing bad

I've stood on this stage night after night

Reminding the broken it'll be alright

But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing

When there's nothing to bring me down

But what will I say

When I'm held to the flame

Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith

To move a mountain

Well good thing

A little faith is all I have, right now

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmovable

Oh give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

'Cause I know You're able

I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Honestly, I may not have alot of questions answered but what I do have is also the knowledge and experience that God has always been faithful and has pulled me through my darkest moments. God didn't promise us a bed of roses, instead He did say that we will endure hardships and pain. But I do not have to endure it alone. He will equip me and provide me the comfort and help I need to overcome them, according to His timing. Even if He chooses to remain silent at that moment, He is still the Rock I can cling to because He is the Almighty Father who knows me best.

And that gives me comfort.