Finding Space

Recently, especially during my hospitalizations and the week or so that I was discharged... I was overwhelmed with frustration and resentment as I was still held responsible to play certain active roles and I felt that my need to rest and recuperate was dismissed and disrespected. I'll be honest and admit that I was rather reactive towards these frequent reminders that I still needed to look into work and home stuff, and my stress intensified. It was so bad that my torn muscle area had actually worsened and swelled up, causing much concern from both my surgeon and physiotherapist. 

Then one day as I was reading Lori Gottlieb's Maybe You Should Talk To Someone, she recalled jotting down this on her notebook, "reacting vs. responding = reflexive vs chosen", which in turn was inspired by two quotes by Viktor Frankl, author of Man's Search for Meaning.

"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances"

and

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom"

I recall a similar conversation I had just short of a month prior, when I noticed myself experiencing mixed emotions at one particular time. And how I allowed myself to feel both emotions, but also at the end choosing to focus more energy on the emotion that gave me peace and was life-giving. In fact, just the night before I read this chapter, another dear friend had suggested that I ignore all the expectations dumped on me during my healing period.

I needed to give myself SPACE. 

To pause.

To ponder what a helpful response (to me) would be, instead of just immediately reacting. 

Unfortunately, there will always be people who are really poor at respecting boundaries and I have no control over that. What I do have control over is my response. It's really hard to practice this, believe me. But I have been attempting to be more intentional to allow myself space when something comes my way, and I can already notice the difference it makes. I am more at peace and better able to regulate my emotions. I feel less powerless as well since it is my choice to respond the way I do now.

A byproduct of me practicing this, I realize, was me developing a deeper compassion for those who were stressing me out. Because, now I wasn't just focused on how I felt misunderstood and taken for granted... but I was giving room for myself to better understand the possible underlying factors that contributed to that communication. 

For example, I began to recognize that my mom's overreliance on me was also a method for her to connect with me because she missed me while I was in the hospital (this was corroborated by a church member). And I then understood - with me being away, she was left lonely as I tend to engage with her if I were home. Isolated with little engagement. And being an Asian family, we don't talk about feelings. Asking me to do things was one of her attempts to communicate with me.   

Honestly, when I had this realization, I also noticed guilt beginning to creep into me. 

Maybe I shouldn't have been so harsh... I feel bad.

But then again, I did need that uninterrupted time for my body to heal. The challenge now was to accept both realities and to consider what are my options for a healthy response - to recognize that my mom felt lonely, and yet not be wrecked with guilt that I said no countless times to my mom when she asked me to help her with things, and also attempt to practice kindness while maintaining my boundaries.

I know this is something I will struggle with (and forget) time and time again. But hopefully with more practice, it will become more natural.

I'm also thankful that I've giving myself space to reflect on this so that I can keep it close to heart.