Problem-solver

As a person who has a track record of constantly being on the go, me intentionally slowing down has helped slow down my body but in return, my mind buzzes with more observations than usual. And it makes me wonder if this has been my defense mechanism all this while - to drown out my thoughts as I am on automatic "do-mode". 

I had the privilege of recuperating at my colleague's home after my 2nd hospitalization. She gave me the space to recuperate as I wanted, and we would have meals together and have deep conversations. In one of those meal times, we spoke about the dynamics I had with people, specifically my family. It intrigued her that I seem to function as the problem-solver, tasked to keep the family running, even though I'm the youngest in my family. And I too wondered, how did this dynamic come to be.

With me being able to slow down while recuperating, I began noticing more and more of my personality and the dynamics that I tend to naturally ease into. Maybe my training as a therapist has also impacted my skills to problem-solve.

While staying with said colleague, she had very generously allowed me to use her Netflix account, and I decided to watch this reality show called Top Chef. I had actually watched this exact series when I was in the US (2006-2007), so I'm not sure what made me want to watch it again. But what intrigued me was the difference in my thought processes now. Watching Top Chef and seeing certain dynamics (i.e. contestants arguing, and their decisions), I realize I was observing their thought processes, and their problem-solving and conflict resolution abilities, and I was picturing what could have been done to do better or to resolve the issues that they faced. 

My mind really doesn't shut down, does it?

A day after, when my colleague had left for work and I was alone. To my horror, the flush handle had come off and was in my hand. And again, I went straight to problem-solving mode - trying to think of different ways to fix it. Looking at the flush handle from different angles. Identifying what are the possible steps of action. I decided to macgyver it. and then later I found a solution. In the end from my detective skills, I realize I didn't damage it, the screws had come off. Lo and behold, i fixed the flush. 

I was relieved that I managed to resolve this. Deep down, I didn't want to get into trouble or to inconvenience my colleague for damaging her property. But it made me recognize that I AM naturally a problem-solver. And I tend to take that role on so organically... that after a while, people just expect that of me. They no longer feel the need to problem-solve because they could just call on me to do it, and I would instinctively play that role, and have been busting my brains and energy to resolve things.

So with me learning to slow down now, I am trying to be more intentional with what I allow myself to do. Do I really need to be the problem-solver? So I too need to practice letting go. Me being a control freak doesn't help either, I know. One thing I'm trying to do now is to detach from doing. It's going to take some time to get used to this. And people will push boundaries too. but it's a learning curve.

Maybe I need to learn to detach my thoughts that keep running through my head too.