annoyance

Matthew 6:2 - So when you give to the needy, do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be praised by men. Truly I tell you, they already have their full reward.

i don't understand why men (i know i'm generalizing, but i tend to see this pattern more often than not) tend to make such a big fuss over the LITTLE they do. it's as though the little asked of them is a huge sacrifice of their life. I see this happen alot with my dad. He expects to be served. and when he does do a little bit for someone else, it needs to be publicized like he should receive the nobel prize or something. 

my dad's personality and behaviours truly irk me. I help around the house not making a scene about what i do at all. and he takes it as me not having done a thing. because i didn't announce it to the world. it's just stupid and idiotic and shallow

i'm just so pissed at idiocy and fakeness. 

hypocrisy

I am feeling weary and disappointed. Seeing a father who is supposedly the elder of a church be hypocritical (all my life), is a disappointment. To actually realize our interactions throughout my life has been rather emotionally abusive, is also disappointing. I think for all my years, I've been in denial, not expecting that a father who supposedly preaches God's Love and service does the exact opposite at home, but puts on a facade for others. A hypocrite, that's what it is. 

It makes me wonder how I am supposed to honor or obey this particular parent. But the Bible states that obedience needs to be in obedience in the Lord. and right now, whatever is happening is not Christ-like. Insults being hurled at me is not at all what the Father in Heaven would do. Ironically Screaming and shouting, stating I am rude, is not godly. Saying I should just keep doing everything by myself and kill myself doing it, while he just sits and idles, is not what a Christian should act.

I realize that I have rejected the very being of my dad. So much so, that it has shaped me as a different person (except for my stubbornness). My dad is egotistical, self-serving and entitled. He isn't present when others are trying to have conversations with others. He feels it is beneath him to learn from others. like wow.

anyway, i am just processing my thoughts here..