Monday, 29 November 2021

Sitting with the Discomfort

As a Christian I've been taught/brought up to give thanks and be joyful always. While I do subscribe to it, it makes me realize that this in turn doesn't allow me much space to recognize my pain, anxiety, anguish (depression) and suffering. And honestly, I've been feeling a lot of these emotions for some time. Just yesterday, my exhaustion and sense of being overwhelmed tipped me over to the point that I really wanted to just curl up into a fetal position and sob. Today, I feel rage and frustration - feeling like I'm having to problem-solve and care about everything while others just point fingers and conveniently give (unhelpful) suggestions. I'm beginning to have a migraine setting in after being on the constant go for the last few days. And I still have loads to do tomorrow. 

I was just discussing with my supervisee yesterday night about recognizing our discomfort, and providing space for them to just be there without having the immediate reaction to do something about it. And I find myself in this situation now, where I feel compelled to be grateful or to downplay the struggle... but I'm telling myself to just notice these emotions and to stay with them. be with them. 

I was reminded of these few questions:

Can I let these feelings stay without changing them?
Can I accept them and let them stay even as I am trying to function and are interacting with others?
Can I trust that these feelings will not harm me and others?
Can I not show up "confident and perfect"/unaffected?
Can I simply show up as I am in each moment, which in this moment, menas showing up with these unpleasant emotions?
 

Please let me just BE.

Tuesday, 16 November 2021

Providence and Pain Exists Together

I had dinner with a dear friend, LongLong, to catch up on how life has been the past few months of lockdown - the different challenges and life journeys we were on. And one overarching theme that came up was that our struggles were necessary for personal growth. Of course, the struggles are/were no fun and it really took a toll on us at some points but upon reflection, these difficult experiences were also our catalyst for change - to reevaluate and to reconsider what is important to us. 

Even in the midst of pain, we recognized God's Hand in providing for our needs. It was the assurance that while life is not easy, we can hope and cling to God who knows us and will attend to our needs, and a lot of times, we don't even know that may be our need. So truly, God knows us best since He is our
Creator.

It is no irony that I am writing this as I am trying to tahan this muscle pain at my neck, shoulder and back. I am feeling really exhausted today. My dreams have been very vivid and strange. To a point that I feel that a spiritual warfare is happening even during my REM sleep. I am thankful that God has provided the carer, S, so that I can be away for a much needed retreat. I need that time out to detach, and to just recuperate and to seek God. 


A much needed reminder to come to God with all my burdens. 

Sunday, 14 November 2021

mental health struggles

 I had a really topsy-turvy, exhausting day. I felt real lows and real highs, having to deal with the stress of managing mom who fell, but refusing to go to the hospital. Me noticing that she had a swelling but no bruising, but also it didn't seem to suggest any fractures. Trying to call for help, and receiving some support from mom's friends. And also having the chance to go for tea with college mates - was even driven by a dear friend, and she prayed with me while we were in the car, in hopes that I would have a clear and calm heart and mind to leave the house to take a break myself.

And here I am now... recognizing the good that I experienced. Getting to hug and a card from a child, a girl that I had been babysitting and caring for whenever her mom needed help. Getting a long embrace from Kat, one of my dearest friends... i had quite a few good laughs as well during our tea session...

and yet, here I am now, struggling to sleep... feeling alone and just at the verge of tears. I know this is irrational but I also know this is my depressive symptom sneaking in. I'm really trying hard to comfort myself - hugging Huggy and also feeling the texture of my flannel blanket, but i'm experiencing this nauseating headache and this sense of deep loneliness. I just... don't know what to do. I'm literally going through a checklist in my head, as a therapist, what coping skills I can use to manage this... but I'm blank. 

Lord, please help me rest. Help me feel comforted and secure... 

Hypervigilance

 Ever since my mom's falls became more frequent, with the fall she had on Deepavali - she remained on the floor for HOURS and refused to even hint that she was in need of help even when she had logged onto zoom with a few ladies from church, has really affected my mental state.

I only realized just now how hypervigilant I've been since that incident. Everytime I hear a thud or just something falling, I jump to check on my mom. This has led me to be on high alert for most of the time when I am at home, which has resulted in my poor sleep. I find it difficult to relax, also because my mom will NOT say anything even if she is in need of help. Just like today. Again, I found her on the floor, just there and not calling for help.

It really frustrates me. As I shared with a colleague, I can sorta understand the hesitance to ask for help - I have been shaped by the same mold. We do not like to be a burden to others and honestly, its a bruise to our ego to feel weak. But overtime, I've learnt to lower down my defenses and be ok with asking for help. But my parents still... not so much. 

But this has been taking a toll on me instead. Because with them not asking for help, and insisting that "I can take care of myself", it has actually been me that has been picking up the pieces and problem-solving. And this is on top of me being really busy and having a body that is also deteriorating. 

Anyway, I am now aware that my body is actually reacting towards the trauma I've been experiencing due to my mom's frequent falls, and the helplessness I feel whenever I can't get her to just speak up and ask for help. It's been worrying me a lot because it feels like I have to step up even more in terms of care-giving. and i'm the only one carrying this responsibility at home. It just feels too much. I am completely exhausted. Even if I do get to sleep, I end up having these dreams, that seem more like nightmares that is a mirror of my reality of just being overwhelmed.

I can't wait for my retreat in Genting. I need to detach and rest and wait upon the Lord for peace, strength and direction.  I need to reset my boundaries for my own sake. 

Friday, 12 November 2021

Exhausting Dream

I tend to have vivid dreams that feel like reality. My dream yesterday was no different.

I remembered feeling overwhelmed, rushing from one place to another, running errands, doing things for other people with no breaks. I woke up, feeling exhausted. And as I pondered upon that dream, I realize there were some themes that popped up:

- my mind was really scattered which led to me being really inefficient as I went through the to-do list. 
- I lacked focus and was really frustrated with the chain of events that I had gotten myself into
- I was stretched-thin 

Sounds familiar, no? This is actually me, in real life, when I wake up too. And it is just seeping out in my dreams as well. I really need a break

Tuesday, 9 November 2021

The Art of Being Busy by Luke Hamilton

I've been feeling unsettled for sometime. In recent months, I've felt the invitation from God to reflect on and re-evaluate the busyness I am experiencing. Honestly, it's been so difficult to even pause as there are so many things on my plate. But I'm attempting to make space for myself to rest and ponder. I've been revisiting the story of Mary and Martha (Luke 10:39-42) - What is my priority? What is essential? What is needed? And today, I came across this article on "The Art of Being Busy". "Are you busy with all the things God has called you to? Are there some things you need to drop? Are you being fruitful in the areas you feel busy? Sometimes we need to be brave and say no or leave some things." https://fruitfulblog.org/the-art-of-being-busy/

THE ART OF BEING BUSY

by LUKE HAMILTON

Busy has become the new fine.

Casually ask someone how they’re doing today, and on autopilot, they might say they’re fine—but chances are they’ll add, “Fine, but busy. You?”

It’s strange to not be busy. No one answers that greeting with, “Fine—finished my to-do list yesterday and had time to leisurely work on my [insert hobby] before getting an early night”

We’ve decided to put this blog together just to begin the discussion around busyness. We’re no experts and we don’t have all the answers! In fact, we wondered whether to even write this as we’re yet to have kids, a mortgage and other adult responsibilities!!  But we figured if we were feeling like this, others would be too.

So let’s chat about the busyness of life while we’re all still figuring it out!

Worth and Identity

If you look up the meaning of the word busy, synonyms include: occupied, crowded, demanding, hectic and tiring. All pretty negative full on words. When someone is asked to describe a piece of art and they say it looks a little ‘busy’, they mean there’s far too much going on.

Would you say these are an accurate description of how you’re doing right now? Are you constantly bogged down and busy or constantly hectic?

I was once challenged that the next time someone asks, rather than saying ‘busy,’ tell them in more detail what’s going on.

I realised that I had for so long replied using the word busy, that I no longer knew how to describe my week, my day, my life. I started asking myself questions- if I wasn’t busy, would I still feel fulfilled? Would I still feel like I’m doing a good job? Would I still feel loved by God if the busyness is taken away?

This lead to the crucial starting place of busyness—busyness is not bad in and of itself.

Busyness can also be defined as “full of activity.” That activity can be full of meaning and joy. God calls us to work, Proverbs tells us not to be lazy, we are designed to find fulfillment in a job well done (Matthew 25:14). But it’s when our identity is in being busy that we start on a dangerous path. The busyness contest is a difficult one to climb out of.

Ultimately our identity needs to be first in Christ. When Jesus is baptised in Luke 3, God the father says to Jesus, ‘you are my dearly loved son, and you bring me great joy.’

Before Jesus had done anything, before his earthly ministry has begun, before he gets into the busyness of life, God affirms his identity in being his loved son whom he’s proud of simply for just being him.

Our identity isn’t in what we achieve or how busy we are, it’s in the fact that we’re sons and daughters of the king, loved by him for just being us—not for what we’re doing and how busy our calendar is.

What would it look like if we were a generation who broke the norm of the busyness culture? What would it look like to celebrate someone who is achieving all they set out to but also well rested, rather than celebrating those who just seem busy?

We have split our thoughts into two categories of busy:

  • The first we’ve named ‘unproductive busy—for those who feel in a constant state of busy but seem to find themselves rarely achieving all they wish to.
  • The second is ‘hectic busy—for those who by nature of your job or current circumstance you find yourself always busy but not finding joy in that busyness.

Unproductive Busy

The beauty of a List

Move away from feeling overwhelmed at one big task and break it down! Get creative with your lists! Use a list app, go old school and write it down or even get a white board, write down a list of everything you need to do, small things and the bigger tasks, and then work through it. Then once it’s done wipe it off. The great thing about getting it all down on paper is that you’re not constantly having to subconsciously remember everything and keep going over it in your mind. Often things can seem HUGE and scary and overwhelming in your head, but once you put them down in a list and you can see everything broken down into smaller tasks, it’s quickly a lot more manageable.

Pick n mix Priorities

Take a step back each day and set the priority for what you’re going to achieve. It’s so easy to tick off the fun little bits on your list that don’t matter as much, but often harder to tick off the big key things that take time and effort. Have a mix of them but once you have the priority set, you know what’s most important, rather than the most fun. The trick is don’t just think in terms of tasks, think in terms of everything.

For example, a priority for you today on your list might be to rest, spending some time in prayer or even catching up on a Netflix episode.

If you only see work related tasks as a priority then quickly you’re going to burn out and feel demotivated when you spend time ‘procrastinating.’ You need to have a pick n mix of tasks which are a priority for work and a priority for you. Once you have set the priorities make sure you achieve them. Don’t see it as an optional choice, be strict with yourself and make sure you get them done, then anything else on top is a bonus.

Grateful Heart

Each morning make the conscious effort to be positive and have a grateful heart. Psalm 136:26 says ‘Let your heart overflow with praise to the True God of heaven, for his faithful love lasts forever’ (author's paraphrase).

When we are grateful and thankful, our lives are shifted into perspective. We automatically gain a positive outlook on life. Each time something goes wrong it’s a choice to respond maturely and problem solve a positive solution. Having this kind of mindset is fundamental in combatting the feeling of being overwhelmed, but it also leads to being joyful in all things. No matter if you have a massive to-do list or if you have the day off, when we approach all things with a grateful heart, the weight of the responsibilities lessen, the heaviness lifts! Be positive and look on the bright side, sure you have a lot to do, but think of the good that will come from it.

A quite important question is …. is your lifestyle attractive?

Those who don’t yet know Jesus will be watching our lives and observing how we live, what we say and how we respond. We as Christians show people who don’t yet know Jesus, what a life looks like with him. When we complain we’re so busy, tired, exhausted and overworked, it isn’t necessarily an attractive lifestyle. That doesn’t mean we need to be fake, or not authentic, of course we need to be real! But we also need to be WISE. Wisdom is such a precious gift that we need to continually chase. Let’s be wise in our actions, what we say, how we act, around those who do and especially those who don’t know Jesus. We need to be modelling a life filled with his love, joy, peace, purpose and fulfilment … sure we go through tough and hectic seasons but our lives should look attractive to outsiders, why? Because Jesus gives us the peace, perseverance and joy that we need! A life lived with Jesus is an incredible one!! One we want everyone to have, modelling it is the most authentic starting point.

Stand Strong

Joshua 1:9 says ‘Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.’

God knows our limits. Sure it might be tough at times but rather than being afraid or discouraged in the busyness, we need to stand strong in the face of it. After all he’s going to be there alongside us every step of the way, maybe even teaching us a lesson in the busy seasons. Whenever I see things getting a little crazy or overwhelming, I remember this verse and it helps me to neither brag nor complain about it. Much like everything with Christ, when you remember that it all comes from Him. Rather than getting negative and worried, rejoice in it and see it as a joy to have been trusted with all of this incredible work. He is there in it all, hold on tight to that, no matter how long our list is!

‘Let your yes be yes and your no be no’ (Matthew 5:37)

Jesus says in Matthew 21:28-31 “But what do you think about this? A man with two sons told the older boy, ‘Son, go out and work in the vineyard today.’ The son answered, ‘No, I won’t go,’ but later he changed his mind and went anyway. Then the father told the other son, ‘You go,’ and he said, ‘Yes, sir, I will.’ But he didn’t go. “Which of the two obeyed his father?” They replied, “The first.”

Let’s be a generation who don’t shy away from commitment. If we agree to do something, let’s crack on and get it done to the best of our ability. If we can’t do something, let’s be honest and say! Chances are there is someone else out there best suited for that job. Sometimes saying no is better for everyone involved. Don’t shy away from saying no, stewarding your time, energy and skills for the Kingdom is key.

Hectic Busy

Don’t live on 'power through' mode!

If you find yourself drowning in the busyness it might be time to reassess...

Are you busy with all the things God has called you to? Are there some things you need to drop? Are you being fruitful in the areas you feel busy? Sometimes we need to be brave and say no or leave some things. Seth Godin's book has great advice on this, The Dip: The extraordinary benefits of knowing when to quit (and when to stick)

Things will calm down after that next big event right? But what if the current season you are in is full of big event after big event? It’s here that it’s easy to slip into ‘power through, push through the season’ mode.

Do you tell yourself it’s okay to overwork and be exhausted because it’s just ‘this season’? Sometimes the reality is that, it isn’t just a season. It’s life.

You can easily form bad habits of never resting or only feeling like you can rest when all the work is done…which rarely is the case!! So quit the ‘power through’ mode and plan in regular rest! Don’t feel guilty when you rest. Learn how to switch off and rest well. Rest looks different for everyone—for some it’s having dinner with friends, for others it’s time alone reading a book, for others it’s time in the gym—whatever it is, do it! Don’t put off rest.

Look at the bigger picture

It’s easy to get caught up in the small tasks, the things you have to do, the long list in front of you.

But what about the bigger picture, what’s the reason you’re doing these things?

The things you’re struggling to do right now, what might they lead to? This is where things get really exciting! Not many incredible things happen for the Kingdom without a long list of actions happening first. The thing you need to do which you’ve been putting off and don’t really want to do, what might it lead to? For example that friend who doesn’t know Jesus but you know that scheduling in a coffee will make all the difference. Those late nights planning the Christmas party with your office staff, a church event or meeting up with old school mates because you know that may lead to a ‘yes’ when you invite them to Alpha. What might these things lead to?

You are the hands and feet of Christ here on planet earth today, or to put it differently, He doesn’t have any hands or feet on this planet apart from ours. What is He going to do through us with these small tasks we’re faced with today? Always look at the bigger picture. This is when things become a joy and really exciting rather than a huge overwhelming list of tasks.

Be accountable in the Busy!

Accountability is so important to every area of our lives. From our prayer lives to our personal lives, we’re told to be a community of believers supporting, guiding and walking alongside one another. This should be the exact same when it comes to trying to thrive in the busy. As we mentioned at the start, the often undetected race to seam and look busy to others, to feel a sense of worth and importance, means we rarely let others know when we’re struggling with the busyness.

What would it look like if you had a few people around you to continually call you up on this and ensure you thrive in the busy and don’t burn out. Who around you could you help encourage and bring advice when they are struggling? Be accountable in the busy.

Final Thoughts

Ultimately in all seasons busy or not, we need to devote our everything to Jesus.

Know that it is only the Holy Spirit who gives joy, peace and patience. So if you want joy and peace in the busyness, it will only come through Him.

Spending time with Jesus, reading our Bibles, praying and worshiping should always be an absolute pleasure and never a chore or an item on our todo list or a ‘I really should do it.’

So let’s make the time for it! Yes we’re busy, but we still manage to scroll through Facebook, tweet a quote, Instagram our dinner and Snapchat that funny office prank!

Let’s carve out time in our day to spend time with Jesus.

30 minutes each day for Jesus is really not that much considering we have 23 and a half hours left for other activities!

The more we give over to God, the less overwhelmed in the busy we will feel. Something which helped me with this is that I actually scheduled ‘coffee with Jesus.’ If I had ‘coffee with Abbey’ in my diary, I wouldn’t stand her up, I wouldn’t miss out on coffee and use the excuse ‘I just got too busy,’ I also wouldn’t sit with Abbey for an hour chatting for ten minutes and then scrolling through Facebook. So diary in Jesus time, and actually go for a coffee, a walk, find a comfy sofa and spend some quality time with Him.

After all, everything else is meaningless. Ecclesiastes is sometimes a helpful book for someone who can’t prevent the busy—everything is meaningless without God.

Unless our whole lives, every action, every word, every thought, every step is devoted to Jesus, it is all meaningless. We can easily find ourselves filling our lives with busy for what?

A point worth mentioning is that sometimes we might not understand why we’re so busy right now, why we’re slogging away at a certain job or project; but that’s okay, because life has been given to us by the King and sometimes that’s all we need to know.

Ecclesiastes 11:7-8 reads: ‘Oh, how sweet the light of the day, and how wonderful to live in the sunshine! Even if you live a long time, don’t take a single day for granted. Take Delight in each light-filled hour.’

Yes you’re crazy busy, tired and maybe a little overwhelmed—but let’s remember to try and take delight in each light filled hour—it has been given to us both by the King and for the King.

There isn’t a top secret formula to thriving in the art of busy, the answer is and always will be ‘through Christ.

Over to You

Now it’s over to you, here are three challenges from us to you so that you can find the art of busy:

  • The Easy Challenge - Ban yourself from using the word ‘busy’ for a whole 24 hours. Describe your day, in another way and actually tell people how you are.
  • The Medium Challenge - Whatever your current ‘devotional time’ is for Jesus each day - double it! So if you spend 10 minutes a day praying and reading your bible, spend 20, if it’s 30 minutes spend an hour! If it’s 0, well then start somewhere and get cracking making time for Jesus.
  • The Hard Challenge - Go that one step further and hold someone else accountable in their busyness. Make sure they are thriving and supported in the busy times and not struggling through the hectic day to day.

Sunday, 7 November 2021

In Awe of God's Prompting and Providence

I've had a really trying and exhausting week. To the point that I understood why people would want to end their lives because they just want the pain and suffering to end. And yet, on the flipside, I have experienced God's grace and providence tremendously. This is truly what it means, that my cup overflows with God's blessings and goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life. 

In my darkest moment this week, God had sent a myriad of different support to nourish me - prayers, financial blessings, listening ears, etc. Some, I would never have expected or were considering to contact, but they emerged without my initiation. 

A pattern that kept repeating was, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8

I felt God's confirmation today to fix my eyes on Him. I recognize that I have been very, VERY distracted by many things and it had caused a lot of unsettled feelings on my part. Tonight, plans were made to encourage mom. Unexpectedly, God had sent encouragement my way as well. Even the ladies who came recognized that this was not their initial plan but as conversations began, they felt the nudging to speak to me. It was exactly what I needed to hear:

The need to be still and to pause, to ponder. To inquire of the Lord what His Will is for me. 

What is this ONE thing that God has called/invited me to do? What is God's destiny for me?
As the End Times draw nearer, how am I contributing to His Kingdom?

I was reminded of that in preparation of the End Days, God will situate each of His children at specific and strategic places/locations/areas for the work and furtherance of His Kingdom. This spiritual warfare that is taking place even now.
So where is my place? Where is God directing me to be? What is my role? God has planted this dream  of setting up Safe Haven in me, developing and preparing me for the last 10 years... He has granted me this heart and passion, and the ability to think differently/outside the box. How will I use these gifts?

What is my next step? What is holding me back from working on this/pursuing this dream now that He is helping me make it a reality? Have I been too focused on the time I have left that I am being distracted by the wrong things? 

In my impromptu conversations with Aunty HF and HB today, they equated me to Joseph, the dreamer - the person with the vision... and she asked if I had people who could help me realize the plan and draw it out.. and I realized that I do. Quite a few, in fact.   

Now I am fully convicted. And I want to take this step of faith. There are so many unanswered questions, so many gaps... but I trust that God will reveal each step as I search and seek for these answers. True enough, tonight I was already introduced to a couple that could collaborate in my Safe Haven efforts. 

My responsibility is to pray, to trust, to be sensitive to His nudging and to act with courage when He tells me to. And to repent of my sins, the things that I am withholding, that is stumbling me.